Exo as Insults

Chen: every time i see your face my middle finger gets a boner

Kai: If I wanted a b*tch as a friend, I would’ve brought a dog

Suho: If your going to be a smartass, first you have to be smart, otherwise your just an ass.

Lay: You’re so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you

Tao: Roses are red violets are blue, God made me pretty, what happened to you?

D.O: You inspire my inner serial killer

Sehun: I’d slap you but shit stains.

Baekhyun: I’ll never forget that first time we met, although I’ll keep trying

Xiumin: Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Chanyeol: If you can’t laugh at yourself I’d be happy to do it for you.

Kris: What language are you speaking? Cause it sounds like bullshit.

Luhan: You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.

Your (darker) horoscope

Aries: Aggressive, tactless jock who cannot accept that other people might ever succeed, and other people might be more fit for leadership. Instead, they ram their head against anything that opposes them, even if it’s just their illusion. Also control your fucking sex adiction.
Taurus: A lazy hedonist who cannot see further than 2 inches from their nose, thus talking about anything further than 1 inch in the water of deepness will result in failure. All about the physical, no theory. Incomprehensable when it comes to the metaphysical. Won’t stop eating. Won’t stop sleeping. Physical pleasure is their God.
Gemini: An impatient brat that cannot sit for two seconds until they reach age 14/15. Once they reach that age, they become annoyed by pretty much everyone and everything. Highly critical of everyone’s behavior, though not realizing how much of a filthy sinner they are. They are interested in many fields, but never too deeply. Deemed useless, then. Also control your fucking sex drive.
Cancer: Momma’s boy crybaby that cries on any form of criticism given to them, even if it’s formulated in the nicest way possible. Then their fucking mother comes here and whines to you about waking their precious baby, yeah, fuck you too, Virgo. Will make you believe that they’re this innocent, naive, oblivious child while manipulating the living fuck out of you.
Leo: Where do I start? Arrogant, self-righteous, disloyal, melodramatic, stubborn, lazy, superiority complex, self-centered. Always about them and what they can get from you, or someone else, then throw you away like a used tissue. Oh, but brothers, they call this leadership. To use every quality and virtue you have for their own benefit then throw you away.
Virgo: And here we come to the mother complex. You really like nurturing that crybaby over there huh. Anyway, this is a sign that can never, ever be wrong! Perfectionistically perfect. Always right. Eat. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Work. Eat. Sleep. Work… Highly critical of other people in any way but will refuse to admit their own faults. Fashion, as if status was to lie on fashion.. A perfect office monkey, perhaps.
Libra: There isn’t much that can be added to your glorious reputation… Other than that you are a pathalogical liar, a (miserable) manipulator, disloyal, obsessed with your first ex, submissive, indecisive, authoritarian, pseudo-intellectual, and oh my, a ppeople pleaser! As if happiness sits on other people! Often dirt sits on other people, and other people on dirt as well. A perfect balance huh, yeah, a perfect balance between a submissive slave and a hedonist party animal. You got Taurus jealous, you douche. Oh, but you can never be alone either, I wonder why you think other people can stand you, then.
Scorpio: Some would say that everything until now would describe Scorpio, but no. Arrogant of other people’s feelings, but when their own are hurt, will loose months of sleep in orde to prepare the perfect revenge on their supposed aggressor. We had perfect (office monkey) perfection until now, a perfect (slave) balance, and now we have a perfect (vengeful nymphomaniac) passionate person. A very hypocritical sign. Will lie and manipulate you, but will see right through your attempts and hate you for doing the same thing. Will have sex every hour of every week, but will shake their head when you follow them. Will most likely shoot up heroin but will punch you in the face if you do as well. This is what they call a good person, a hypocrite. Also a cult leader.
Also calm your fucking penis.
Sagittarius: And here we have a cry baby of another type. Whenever you dare criticize them, they will be transformed into a radioactive atom bomb and explode like little children that they are. Give them acceptance into your cul- I mean political ideology, and you will see the most loyal fucking member out there. Will go to such expenses to even backstab their own family for whatever ideology you decided to put into their minds. Though, nevr cut down on their “freedom”. And by freedom they mean bloodshed of anarchy that they will most likely support. Every critic is personal with there people, so don’t even bother. An undying flame of umbrage is here. Oh, but they seem to like helping other people, I guess they feel useful for once in their lives when they do that.
Capricorn: Not much can be said about this sign, none of them are even reading this, too busy becoming billionares (PSSSHH). Let’s add our list to what we know about this workaholic; obsessive, compulsive, try-hard, smartass, superiority complex, like to think they’re better than Leo when they’re a hard-working version of them, arrogant, inconsiderate, follower of social norms (Still more acceptable than Virgo, Libra and Sagi). This is another sign that CAN NEVER EVER be wrong. Informed about everything. Take it slowly, you say, follow the great plan, you say, follow the rules as they work, you say. Just stick witht he conservative norm and you’ll be fine. Though for some reason you seem to be absolutely broke later in life, despite so many savings and years of hard work.
Also increase your sex drive.
Aquarius: Zodiac equivalent of an edgy teen that tried weed this morning and already this afternoon is posting statuses such as “420 blaze it faggot”, “legalize”, “listening to lil wayne, nigga”. They’re the type that will read Christiane F. and be fascinated, even idolaze her to a point. Smoking at age 10, smoking weed at age 11, doing heroin at age 13, prostitution at age 14. Yes, similar to Taurus, but quite a different type of hedonism. While other children are buying their power ranger toys, Aquarius here will be saving money for tattoos. A liberal and progressive minded person, though a destructive one as well. All about being unique and different. Also edgy. Also cults. Also black metal. Also atheist as fuck.
Pisces: So as mentioned before by thousands of astrologists, pisces is a combination of all the previous signs. So there you have it, Pisces, you’re all of these and more!

Just kidding, that would be really stupid.
Don’t think that just because you have an amazing reputation I can’t get some shots on you, you little shit. Why do you dwell into your own mind so much? Are you scared of the outside world? And even when you do interact with people, you talk about things that make you escape from reality, such as art and music. You really like singing huh, please don’t sing though… Unlike Virgo, you are perfectly fine with being (a loser) wrong (every single time someone tells you you are) sometimes. Whether it’s your lack of confidence or the fact that you don’t give a shit, really doesn’t concern me, Alice. Maybe you should ask edgy guy over there (^) for some heroin, and you can go back to your wonderland.

New Insults to Call the Signs...

Aries: Crusty bowl of oatmeal

Taurus: Left over candle wax

Gemini: Dusty ceiling fan

Cancer: Used Q-Tip

Leo: Flattened packing peanut

Virgo: Wrinkly candy wrapper

Libra: Dirty pizza box

Scorpio: Sticky doorknob

Sagittarius: Bent thumbtack 

Capricorn: Rusty coffee can 

Aquarius: Useless Tupperware lid

Pisces: Ripped trash-bag