Messy Faith

I can’t eat chicken wings without 50 napkins at my immediate disposal. Even then, after I am through, it looks like I’ve eaten approximately two people (because restaurants are never prepared for someone like me so they usually run out napkins by the fourth wing).

Please don’t think I’m comparing Christianity to chicken wings (delicious, crunchy, a little spicy sometimes)… however, that does sound like a pretty rock-start concept… maybe I’ll revisit that idea…

Anyway (chicken wing faith aside), what I’m actually trying to say is sometimes faith is messy.

I respect people who are constantly prim and proper big time - I admire the way they are steadfast with the hymns, how they can spit out a Bible verse for any occasion (and make it almost sound like a rap), and who can break glass with the soprano choir voices (even the grown men). What’s even more impressive is their ability fully, absolutely, blindly hang on to every word spoken by a spiritual leader. I have a lot of respect for those people.
But I am not those people.

My faith is sloppy. It is messy. It is a lot of shaking hands and shakier questions. Some days I flip through the Bible as if it is a lifeline, a secret cove with all of the answers I yearn for. There are highlights and inspired scribbles bleeding through the pages.
And sometimes it sits there, waiting and hungry for my attention. Because I haven’t opened it in weeks. Because I am sad or lonely or angry. Because I am “too busy” or just so, so tired.

Sometimes I drink spiritual leaders’ words like they are my life blood - my radio is constantly buzzing with recorded sermons and live devotionals. But sometimes it remains painfully silent, still warm from my last burst of inspiration. God did not make all of His people alike for a reason.
Because while I am not a slow, constant burn whenever I am on I am a fierce flame. And when I am off, I am embers sitting in eager hope for the next sparks.

Faith does not have to be a series of cut and dry questions - there is not a canned answer for every broken heart. 
Faith is beautiful and wild and freeing - it is messy. 

And that’s okay. 

-31Women (Ansley)


Risk is frightening. It means delving out of your comfort zone - taking a deep plunge into something unknown. Risk is oftentimes insanely challenging and yet deeply rewarding. It can allow us to go deeper into our own minds and do more than we ever dreamed possible. Let us take risks, no matter what the costs are.

These kind of days…

There have been been days
Where I would stare into blank space and fill it with my thoughts.
There have been days where I would take a deep breath and smile even though my soul was shattered inside.
There have been days where I would
cry until the sun rose again.
There have been days,
I thought the world would be better
without me.
But most days, all I needed was little bit
of love and hope.
There will be such days…