i’m telling you this in advance: being alone is a whole other mess you have to dive into. you are going to feel it scrapping your insides and its going to make you cringe and you are going to hate it.
you are going to be bad at it. you will try to find refuge under the skin of others, you will use them as umbrellas to avoid getting soaked in the storm. listen. i am not telling you to dance in the rain. i know how unrealistic that sounds. sit in it though. let it take over you, and then watch it go away. experience it. understand that it goes away. it always goes away.
you are going to be furious. you are going to throw things, break them, and then for a second you might feel better. and then you are going to be sad. you will cry. it’s okay. cry. cry as much as you need to, for being the abuser and the abused.
listen to me. this hasn’t hit you yet because i’ve been holding your heart safe.
but soon, you will start to feel different.
don’t let this change you.
it’s okay to miss her. but realize it’s not her you miss but her body. the weight. the space she occupied. the satisfaction she gave you by taking over your insides, the reason behind your feeling of fullness. realize it’s how powerful she made you feel, that you miss. not her power. but your own.
forgive yourself. for watching her put you above everything and everyone when you stopped fighting. when you realized before she did, there is nothing to fight for anymore. forgive yourself for not caring as much as you should have. forgive yourself for ignoring her, treating her in a way you never dreamed of treating anyone. for ignoring the letter. her cry for help. for calling this attention seeking. forgive yourself for moving on. it’s okay. sometimes, we are the toxic ones. the cruel ones. the heartless ones. and it’s okay to admit this. grow from it though.
understand people that are unstable and lost and unaware of who they are, are incapable of loving properly. understand she didn’t know how. you didn’t know how. forgive her for the aches she caused under your bare skin. forgive her for showing you the dark sides of yourself that you weren’t ready to take a walk in yet.
listen. whatever happens next, i know what you are capable of. don’t be a warrior. don’t fight. don’t battle the demons, don’t walk around with your arms and fists up. don’t turn hard. I’m not asking you for a promise, i am giving you an order: heal yourself. you have to. you can’t let this turn you into a monster. heal yourself and come out stronger and brighter and wiser. and don’t look back.
I do not think, sir, you have any right to command me, merely because you are older than I, or because you have seen more of the world than I have; your claim to superiority depends on the use you have made of your time and experience