Yellow paint

Vincent van Gogh would eat yellow paint because he thought it would get the happiness inside him . Many thought he was mad and stupid for doing so because the paint was toxic . Of course eating the paint couldn’t have any correlation with happiness ,but when you’re at you’re worst even the most insane ideas could work ,like painting the walls of your organs yellow and it would seem reasonable to you . Its really no different than falling in love , there’s a greater risk of getting your heart broken , but people do it everyday because there’s also a greater chance that it will make things better .Everyone has their yellow paint

SW: When I sat down with him at Barnes & Noble before a reading he gave last week, I asked, “What’s the most Jewish thing about you?”

“My sense of humor,” he said, without missing a beat.

Duchovny’s late father, Amram Ducovny, worked for the American Jewish Committee in New York City and later for Brandeis University in Boston. Amram wrote a number of non-fiction books and published his first novel at 72. David’s grandfather, Moshe Ducovny, was a journalist who wrote about theater for this very publication. Even his step-grandfather (who entered his life after Moshe died when Mr. Duchovny was an infant) worked in the literary arts.(Amram and Moshe removed the “h” from the surname; David reinserted it.)

Duchovny, it turns out, is a bit of a mensch (albeit an extremely handsome, charming mensch). I spoke to him about growing up half-Jewish in New York City, and what it’s like to raise kids and make art here now.

Stefanie Iris Weiss : “Bucky F**cking Dent” beautifully captures how men communicate their emotions through sports. What is that about, and have you experienced it in your own life?

David Duchovny : I haven’t really experienced that much in my own life; it really wasn’t the man that my father was. We bonded more over playing sports than being fans of sports. Men need a proxy or a mouthpiece to help them speak their emotional truths. Through sports they can express love to one another – or violence or dominance or all these things. For men it’s much harder to express that in civilized society. We are less evolved as a species, you know. Bear with us.

I’m trying! I loved how much Yiddish there was in your first book, “Holy Cow.”

Animals would speak Yiddish because it’s the language of the oppressed. My father used to say that Yiddish was a wholly ironic language. (Please don’t send me letters saying Yiddish isn’t wholly ironic, I’m just repeating what my father said.) He said if you wanted to insult somebody you called them the “Prime Minister.” It was quintessentially the outsider’s language because every word is inverted – because these were people on the bottom. So that’s why animals, to me, would speak Yiddish, if they could speak. My step-grandfather translated “The Wasteland” and “The Old Man and the Sea” into Yiddish. I used to joke that the Yiddish translation of “The Wasteland” went like this, “April is the cruelest month, but May is no bargain either.”

Hahaha! So, were you Bar Mitzvahed?

No. My father wasn’t that kind of Jew, he was a cultural Jew, not a religious Jew – he was a New York Jew. But he definitely thought of himself as a Jew. He didn’t go to country clubs and wear Lacoste shirts.

So he was a Jew of the 99 percent. Was he Bar Mitzvahed?

He was 100 percent Jew! My father claims that his father told his wife, “We’re going to get Bar Mitzvahed,” but then they just went to play pool. He said his father told him after, “Tell your mother we got Bar Mitzvahed.”

At least he played pool – he became a man in a way.

Exactly! It was a self-made Bar Mitzvah.

There is a really strong sense of place in this book. What location in New York is the most Jewish for you?

The 14th Street Y. The sauna. All that stuff in the book is pretty much taken from memory. And those machines, the ones that jiggle you. They’re probably still there. Oh, and Jade Mountain, that was the Chinese restaurant on 12th Street and Second Avenue. Have your kids expressed any interest in any of the Jewish stuff? They’re a quarter Jewish. But I think they have a little of the Yiddish humor in them.

Your father moved to Boston after your parents were divorced. How often did you get to see him?

Not enough. Not enough. So when I got divorced I made sure that I would get to be in the same city with my kids all the time. I get the loss. By the way, my father is nothing like the father in the book. I would hate for anyone to think that. My father was very soft-spoken, very encouraging. Marty is a fictional character. The only thing that’s like my dad is that he was also a softball pitcher on a Puerto Rican softball team. My dad was “Gringo Number 1.”

Your character Hank from “Californication” kind of hated LA and felt like he couldn’t be creative unless he was here in New York. Do you feel similarly?

No. I love L.A. Although the novels that I’ve written have been written here, so I may be stuck here if I want to keep writing. The next story I want to write is set in New York. But it’s ok, because my son has five more years until he graduates high school.

Was it important for your dad to publish his novel before he died?

He died about three years after. I think it was extremely important to him. I think it was everything; it meant everything. I don’t think he could have died before that. I’m very happy for him, not only that it came out, but that it was well-reviewed. He got to feel some of that.

What did you think of that book?

I liked it a lot. It’s strange to read a book by a relative. I can’t imagine what it would be like for my kids to read my stuff.

Did they read Holy Cow?

Probably. I don’t know. I’m just not that interested. I’m interested in them – what they do, what they write. I get asked, “Have they heard your album?” When I say I don’t care, it’s not that I don’t care about my kids obviously, but I get asked if they’re proud of me – and I really don’t understand that question. I’m proud of my kids. I don’t understand the state of mind that seeks approval from one’s own children. It’s the other way around. But on the other hand it’s impossible not to read a work by your relative without trying to connect the dots – which one is me and where’s that coming from and who’s that guy and where am I in this?

And is that something you think about while you’re writing, even writing song lyrics?

No, I can’t. Unfortunately, it’s not exactly a casualty of a creative life, but it’s somehow a burden. I would hope never to embarrass my kids but I can’t say that I haven’t or that I won’t.

The songwriting on your record “Hell or Highwater” feels like it’s taken from your own life.

But all the situations are universal – it’s love, it’s loss, it’s death, it’s love, it’s a girl, it’s no girl – all of rock and roll is about the same thing. You have this very general filter through which you can squeeze your take. I have no interest in foisting my autobiography on anybody. It’s only interesting to me insofar as it can be universal. You can take those lyrics and know nothing about me, and make them into something about you. To me it’s only about the universal in me reaching out to the universal in somebody else.

David Duchovny / - April 20, 2016

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If you ask me
(and you don’t, but if you do)
I’ll tell you
I’m weary of the world
(and you’ll take it personally, but if you don’t)
I’ll continue to describe the weathering
of rock in the constant pounding of rain
(of trivial nonsense that plagues us all)
I’ll tell you
I’m wary of the world
and its ability to insinuate itself
between my peace of mind and me
I’ll tell you all these things
(if you ask, if you don’t take it as an affront to you)
The truth is
I’m just tired as tired can be
Thousands of eons of existence
and what to show of it all
‘cept weary bones and exhaustion

‘For instance if Dylan hadn’t said some of the things he did, nobody else was going to say them. Can you imagine what a world it would be if we didn’t have a Bob Dylan? It would be awful. There’s that side of it But then there’s the other side, when you start mistaking your own importance. I think I’ve been in both of those {positions} at various times. You suddenly  think you’re more groovy than you are and then usually something happens to slap you down a bit. so it all has to be tempered with discretion’ - George Harrison, excerpted from 'Bob Dylan: Intimate Insights from Friends and Fellow Musicians’ by Kathleen Mackay

D’Lo - Insightful

Bio: D’Lo is a queer, trans, Tamil Sri Lankan-American, political theatre artist, comedian, director, writer and music producer who combines art with community work. His work deals heavily with issues of sexuality and gender as they relate to race and South Asian culture. D’Lo is the creator of the Coming Out, Coming Home writing workshop series which have taken place in South Asian and immigrant queer organizations nationally.

“I started writing more keenly on gender and sexual orientation, mostly because i didn’t want to just talk about politics without personalizing it. When I started doing that, I finally found what I really wanted to do: being able to joke and laugh with the crowd, experiment with how to nail a joke or kill a monologue. You really feel the power when you’re doing that.”

Learn more.

She says you can't give in to your demons and live life apologetically

And so I ask her,
how do you realize self-worth
without coming off as arrogant?

She says, it’s simple really
once you’ve understood
the difference:

Arrogance is thinking you’re better than all (and showing it)
Self-depreciation is thinking you’re worse than all (and vocalizing it)
Self-worth is having respect for all,
including yourself (and maintaining it)
We Read One Direction’s 2015 Annual and Discovered a Band in Breakdown | NOISEY
Entering the band's christmas book as evidence they won't make it to 2016.

Earlier this year, the world’s press got their collective knickers in a twist about a leaked video that shows Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson of One Direction smoking a joint together as they’re driven through Peru on tour. Beyond the obvious takeaway, if you were listening closely to the conversation being had in the video, there’s something way more revealing to be gleaned than the fact that some dudes in their 20s like a smoke.

Zayn lights up as he talks about a Kid Rock book that someone showed him, and the whole exchange shows a rare glimmer of dissatisfaction from within the globally successful boyband. “He showed me Kid Rock’s last book,” said Zayn, “and it’s about twice the size, hardback, simple writing, the whole thing just filled with sick pictures, and just captions from each place. No bullshit, no ‘my favourite colour’s blue, my favourite colour’s red’, none of that, literally just all sick pictures, and it looks bad. Every time you look in it you’re like, fuck I hadn’t even seen that picture, that’s a bad photo. I’m sure they’re bored of seeing the same old crap.”

“Yeah,” says Louis. “The same old shit that I’m sure the fans are bored of reading.”

“They wanna know what we’re up to now, man,” Zayn continues. “We’re not into pink books, man. Kid Rock is sticking his middle finger up with a J in his mouth, and that’s one of the pictures in the book.”

“Sick!” says Louis.

It’s not totally clear what Zayn’s comparing the Kid Rock book to, or what he’s saying is the “same old shit,” but it doesn’t seem like too much of a death-defying leap of logic to assume that he might be casting judgment on One Direction’s own merch.

You know what the most interesting thing about One Direction is? Nothing. That is, there’s a big old abyss of nothingness right at the heart of their brand, which invites millions of girls to feel like they know the five boys intimately by revealing as little about them as possible. It’s been this way with manufactured boybands for a long time - case in point, see Take That struggling to answer questions about what they’ve learnt from their success and Sean from 5ive examining his fingernails during televised interviews back in the 90s. Appealing to millions at once has always been about erasure; it’s about keeping back so much of your real selves that you’re idealised by teenagers and praised by their parents purely by virtue of not doing or saying anything that could be construed as an opinion.

Mostly, One Direction’s social media presence are little more than an extension of this - the illusion of connection dangled tantalisingly in front of girls who tweet the boys so many times that they have their accounts suspended on the regular. Every tweet promises insight and connection, but few ever really say anything. At the time of writing, Liam Payne’s last tweet was “Woop wooo [shower emoji] time.” It had 79,000 favourites. With things like the spliff video leak, though, or the clip that emerged in 2012 of a stoned Zayn thrusting his hips to Usher, comes a rare insight into five lads in their 20s whose IRL existences are becoming further and further removed from the image they spend their lives creating.

One Direction are a mirror, and as they get older, the mirror is starting to crack. Intrigued by Zayn and Louis’s impassioned conversation about the “same old shit” being peddled to their fans, I picked up a copy of that “same old shit” in the form of their official 2015 annual. Underneath all the pink bubble writing, you can see the trace fractures starting to form within the brand itself, and selected quotes help form the picture of a band who are not long for this world.

“While their fame seems to have come so quickly, they’ve put an incredible amount of work into their success.”

This is a party line that’s trotted out again and again in the 2015 1D annual: they deserve their position because they work like crazy for it. In the 2015 annual, fans are told: “During tours, the boys have been known to max two hours’ sleep a night.” It’s the hypercapitalist dream of a talent-show obsessed society: go to the right audition, learn enough dance routines, sign enough photos of yourself and you can have whatever you want. Hard work is everything.

In an excellent interview-meets-op-ed on the band for the Guardian recently, journalist Tom Lamont probed the group by reading them a passage from Robbie Williams’ autobiography that culminated: “Home life was weird, and you [got] a weird perception of the world. And then there’s a hundred fucking girls outside your house…And all of that stuff mixed with the insane promotion that we did…We were tired and scared.” All five members denied that they identified with it. “It’s not a question of burnout,” Liam Payne insisted defensively. (Just a few days later, this Vine of him working grimly through selfies with fans went viral, undermining his statement just the tiniest bit.)


“You know One Direction better than they know themselves.”
1D inspire fan fiction that draws views in the hundreds of thousands, and that idea that you can use your extensive knowledge of the group to create your own narratives is reinforced throughout their annual. There are quizzes designed to test how well you “know” the group. There are pages designed to determine what kind of One Direction fan you are, and pages full of facts about the fandom. Meanwhile, the amount that’s actually revealed about the boys pales in comparison, revolving around quotes like:

“DID YOU KNOW? Niall never went to his school prom.”
There are plenty of these bland insights into what it means to be incredibly famous, presented as a tantalising tidbit of knowledge for fans. Know what’s interesting about Niall? He can’t go to a restaurant without being mobbed, LOL!

“DID YOU KNOW? One of Louis’s favourite mottos is, ‘Live life for the moment because everything else is uncertain.’”
Woah, Louis, you okay b?

“They still get starstruck like everyone else.”
While intended as a cute indicator of their humble attitude, the way One Direction frequently talk about being “starstruck” around other celebrities - particularly musicians - seems like it’s also due to the fact that they’re not totally comfortable with sharing a platform with artists they respect. On Jimmy Kimmel a few weeks ago, when asked how they felt when they attended big awards shows alongside super-famous American stars, Louis said, “We feel like we don’t really fit in, in a way.”

Louis got even deeper into this feeling of discomfort in the boys’ memoir, One Direction: Where We Are. Talking about their record-breaking Number 1 in the US, he “writes”: “All those silly comparisons to [The Beatles] still annoy me because they were far too good and far too cool compared to One Direction. I was like, ‘Come on, let’s get realistic!’ Hearing people talk about The Beatles is ridiculous. Of course you can’t compare us to them. It’s a weird one, ‘cos you feel dead proud - so we should, to be fair - but there’s a feeling of…I won’t say guilt, because we’d worked very hard. But it was an odd feeling.”

“'Songwriting is a really cool thing, you know,’ says Zayn.”
Zayn’s bang on there, I think we can all agree. And maybe that’s why the boys feel some level of embarrassment around their fame - because the music they’ve made it on doesn’t really represent them. In the annual, Louis, Liam and Zayn all reveal they’ve been bumping rap and R&B albums this year (Zayn, clearly the coolest, has been loving Jhene Aiko). Harry’s into Simon & Garfunkel, while Niall digs The Eagles. Despite the fact that the boys - Liam and Louis in particular - are gradually taking on more of the songwriting duties on the boys’ slowly maturing pop albums, the group’s disparate tastes are still totally unrepresented in their output. No wonder Harry Styles has reportedly been writing solo with pop behemoth Ryan Tedder; it wouldn’t come as a huge shock to learn that he wasn’t the only one in the band penning his own tracks on the DL.

“I will never understand, and you will never understand what this does to somebody…why? No one could deserve this.”
This is a tweet of Liam’s that’s reproduced in the One Direction annual as an example of him being enthused about his privileged celebrity life, despite reading more like a line that was rejected from Drake’s Take Care for being too glum. You could say the same for much of Liam’s occasionally existential, always aloof Twitter feed.

“Who knows?”
In the 1D annual, there’s five pages containing exclusive Q&As with the boys. In between the usual crap-shooting about music and travels, there’s one question that apparently has everyone stumped. “What does the future hold for One Direction?” is posed to four out of the five, and all four respond with the phrase: “Who knows?”

They should know, shouldn’t they?

“We believe if we work hard we’ll continue to be successful,” says Liam. “As long as our fans want us to be.”
That’s it right there - none of them know what the future holds, because their future is entirely dependent on how long their fanbase want to buy into their “same old shit.” One Direction can work as hard as they like, but they can’t reverse the ageing process. As usual, it’s Liam serving that realness, taking a sharp turn toward the ominous at the end of a typically bland press quote. With that Vine on a loop in the background, I’m imagining Liam in front of his mirror at 3am, surrounded by recording equipment and staring into his own burnt-out face in an empty penthouse suite, whispering, “As long as our fans want us.”

To insinuate that truth is not subjective is to assume your reality is the only reality. Perception is only relevant to the one who perceives and what he or she makes of this vast realm of sensory phenomena. We may find ourselves rationalizing murder, religion, plague, or art but the quality of each is nothing more than a personal creation. Through nature and through nurture we develop our own rationalized sense of self although our innermost biological and conscious impulses vary in time and space. Our ideas, our character and our truths are not guaranteed to be parallel to the latter. By accepting this idea of subjective reality we can begin to formulate a more rationalized view of individual perception. Begin with yourself and reflect on your truths, withholding nothing. Find acceptance in your singularity, and in others.

   Individuality is reality,

           and this is my truth.