Setting the record straight.
I’ve never judged someone with out their whole story. I may have good or bad feelings about people I meet but I never judge them. I treat the same with other people’s relationships too, There’s two people in a relationship so there must be two stories to hear.
Here’s my story: It goes back to her’s and my one month. We we’re both infatuated teens loving every moment spent with each other. It was cute and all but that day the relationship took a subtle turn downhill, that neither of us would have seen. You see, that night I prepared a week longs worth of a gift, made of tiny folded up pieces of paper that took form of a cinnamoroll. It was quite ambitious if i look back at it now. All night long I tried getting her attention, all i wanted was five minutes alone with her to present the gift and that would be it. But she was too caught up with things to even care about what I was asking from her. That hurt me, deep down,and it left a teeny tiny cut in my heart.
That cut grew and grew as time went on, and because of the situation where I was not able to talk to her and tell her how I felt, the cut just continued it’s path. I feared I wasnt good enough for her, I feared that I didn’t have the looks, the interests, the anything that she wanted in a boyfriend. But she was everything, and more than what I wanted, to me.
I believe it was homecoming that left a scar on her heart. The fact that I didnt go (because I was afraid, and she didn’t know that) hurt her too. But we never shared our true feelings about either of the situations so the cuts continued, tearing through each other’s hearts, with no one to blame but the other person. But the true fault is not opening up, not letting go of what hurt us, and because of that our problems started a snowball effect.
I got more and more jealous and frustrated with her and she became more and more constrained. She didn’t understand me, I didnt understand her, Hell I didn’t even understand myself. But after huge fights over the winter I began to gain back confidence. I changed my looks, the way I dressed, I even joined track to become more healthy, all for her. I didn’t know that this would cover up my insecurity, but it did. But that’s not what’s needed. You cant just cover up a cut, you need it to heal properly or else it would become infected. And it did become infected, in me, and this relationship.
She began to look at me like I was some monster and I became frustrated and saw her as the monster instead. We started to fight again after last summer but it was mostly her picking the fight against me. I couldn’t understand it all and I became frustrated, I tried so hard to become the guy she’d like but she wanted none of it. I helped her with all her homework, kept her company, kept her entertained, I cut away all the bad habits and all that she found wrong in me. But it wasn’t enough. And I knew it, and I was scared then more than I’ve ever been in this relationship, I knew she was going to leave me but I had no way of stopping it, and that scar that I had, reopened and the pain hurt more than ever. But I couldnt tell her, I thought she wouldn’t understand…
Little did I know, her scar was hurting her too, She was scared of me just as much as I was scared of her leaving. It wasn’t a good mix, fear in both our hearts lead us to a fogged vision of reality and a dark and fearful vision of the future. I slipped up and made a mistake, a mistake that would have been okay any other time in this relationship but in this time it set the fuse off. It happened so quickly and horrible things were said between the both of us. All the pain and anger in us exploded and engulfed this relationship in flames. We were doomed before we knew it and it was all gone when we realized what had happened.
Days after, I was bitter, she was bitter, we were both bitter, but we knew we had to set it straight. She finally gave me a good reason to leave, an understandable one, one that I could accept and move on. And that’s exactly what I did/am doing. We let out are feelings of pain, and the scars can now properly heal themselves. And it is quite peaceful. I still miss her, I always will, but I’m okay that she’s gone now. I respect her decisions eventhough I wish differently, but there’s no point in pouting and waiting and hoping for her to comeback, The fear is now gone and I can see a bright future clearly and the past doesn’t look so bad either.
Who’s to blame? Both of us. I had frustrated and reckless actions and she made poor and brainless actions of her own(why couldn’t you just hold the plate?). I will always biasedly blame her for all the troubles, and her and her friends will always blame me.
But to set the record straight, we live and we learn, this was a great experience that made me see who I really am. I am not a monster and neither is she, just two pain inflicted teens that were frustrated with their feelings.
I am who I am today because of her, I owe it all to her, and I regret nothing.