I saw (I’ve gotta keep it brief tonight):
The Vikings— The Vikings do their GRRR ARGHHH thing, killing off a king and raping the queen, in an off camera inplied 1950s kind of way. It wil be a rapey hint hint nudge nudge sort of film.Knocked up with the viking leader’s baby, she also seems to think the kid is rightful heir to the throne her dead hubby had. Dunno how that works, but the guy ruling makes a fleeing a sensible idea.
Skip ahead decades and now the kid is a viking slave that gets on the wrong side of the ruler’s uber macho (and seemingly the same age as his pa!LOL) son. Well, you know how it is when your hawk is better than his hawk and you have a defiant slave streak. One thing leads to another and the princeling ends up minus an eye and slave boy gets to spend some time tied to rocks to drown. Luckily local magic lady gets him calling out to Odin and he ends up with a miraculous survival. Hate will stew Sibling rivalry sure does get ugly, even when you don’t even know you are half brothers!
You HAVE to see the ending coming already….
So along comes a plan to capture the bride to be of the English ruler. Macho viking guy goes all lust nuts, especially since she bites him. During a talk with his dear (not so old) dad, it turns out that no means yes and a gal that claws you is a major turn on. In fact the viking princeling wants every woman he, ahem, has to ALWAYS fight him tooth and nail so he has to force himself on her! Off he trots to have his way with the gal, but oh dear, she won’t fight him because “a woman can never fight a man” and she promises to completely submit. That annoys him, but she’s saved from her giving strategy when slave guy, who has a thing for her too, rescues her! Not that her doesn’t do a bit of symbolic assault too. During their escape slave guy says the princess must row, and while she is fussing about with her clothes and her too tight bodice he reaches over and tears out the whole back of her dress while the camera leers with delight at her involentarily exposed flesh. Women are pretty much in the film for that sort of thing: rape, threat of rape, a prize for the winner, or public punishment if they are happy to have sex. Don’t get me started on the “hilarious” game where a woman accused of adultery gets locked in a sort of stocks while her hubby throws axes to cut them off, with failure proof of guilt. It is soo not a woman’s world here.
Anyway, they end up conviently capturing the viking leader and hauling him back to England. He hopes to get his lady love as a reward, instead he gets to execute the viking boss for a bit of unknowing patricide followed by getting a hand hacked off for offering the condemned a bit of honor. The only way he gets away at all is the gal offering herself up to the annoying monarch.
So, this story of Viking sensationalism for all your repressed 1950s needs wraps up with the enemy brothers joining forces for an invasion to get the girl they are both obsessed with. After fighting the English will they kill each other?
It’s got gorgeous cinematography, breathtaking scenery, a couple of stars showing off their athletic prowess, an overheated masculine daydream of a plot and a score that relies on the same fragment of a tune for just about every single bloody cue to the point of auditory madness! So eh, worth watching even if I did do a good bit of mocking while we watched.
*** This was NOT short! LOL***