But now, things are different. I’ll never be the same. Here I am, sitting on my windowsill, thinking. Thinking, that it’s crazy how much shit I let you put me through all because I love you. Knowing, that I’m not nearly as important to you as I had thought. Understanding, that I could never hate you for everything you’ve done to me; I still love you and I always will. Realizing, that you take this love for granted. You’ll never be worthy.
If you want to stay in your corner of the world forever, do it. Go to the same restaurants, be friends with the same people, walk the same streets. If you’re happy, you don’t need to travel the world. You don’t have to cross state lines or backpack across Europe to know you’re where you belong.
If you want to leave, don’t let someone stop you. Run as far as you can and experience the life you want. Throw yourself into new cultures, make mistakes, and learn as much as you can. Get bored and go back home or fall in love and never go back.
We all need something different and no one can tell you what that is. Sometimes you have to do what scares you, do what you love, or do what is hard. Above all else though, you have to do what’s right for you. If you live your life for other people, you’ll never really live it.
KJS // Excerpt from the book I’ll never write #88
i’m not saying it’s gotten bad again but some days the ground threatens to open up and swallow me in and I almost let it. i’m not saying it’s gotten bad again but I don’t think I remember the last time I ate all three meals without feeling my insides twist onto themselves and threaten to leave. it’s not bad again because some days I can still laugh and mean it but I still come home to my chest bursting with all its empty. it’s not bad again because he makes me happy but when he’s not around I can’t exist on my own anymore. what i’m saying is that I can’t say it’s bad again because saying it makes it real, saying it makes all this hurt real.
this ask meme is based on the blog gravesuggestion. i’ve divided it up into two categories ( light & dark ) based on the themes. some of these can be somewhat triggering seeing that the darker ones deal with a lot of death mentions. please be cautious before continuing on!!
L I G H T
‘ at night i dream of you. ’ ‘ don’t give up yet. you still have time to fix things. ’ ‘ falling in love with someone else is not a personal attack. ’ ‘ i am still so weak when it comes to you. ’ ‘ i can’t believe i let myself let you down. ’ ‘ i don’t care where we go when we die, as long as i’m with you. ’ ‘ i dream of saying to you all the words i held inside until it was too late. ’ ‘ i feel so warm & safe when you talk to me. maybe i could love you if you’d let me. ’ ‘ i finally let the right people in & i have never felt so loved. ’ ‘ i like the way your nails paint red stripes along my spine days after you’re gone. ’ ‘ i lived in your permafrost for twenty years & then you looked at me & i felt the warmth of spring. ’ ‘ i once wished you’d leave me alone, but i take it back. ’ ‘ i want to be able to love someone else, but you stretch your arms & spread your legs inside my heart so that there is no room for anyone or anything else. ’ ‘ i want to believe that we got it right this time. ’ ‘ i wonder how much longer i can cling to your light before it expires completely. ’ ‘ i would travel across the world to be by your side, because as long as you are with me, anywhere is a perfect place to me. ’ ‘ it took me awhile to realize it myself, but you are not what other people say you are. ’ ‘ it’s not that i really need you, but life would be pretty boring without you around. there’s no one i would rather be with. ’ ‘ i’d like to stay like this for awhile. ’ ‘ life & death don’t have to be so boring, let’s make both an adventure. ’ ‘ life imitates art, they say. i didn’t believe it until i started to notice the way your eyelashes look so much like tiny ink stroke. ’ ‘ live your life so that when you die, souls will come for miles just to hear your historic tales. ’ ‘ make your exes jealous & your past self proud. ’ ‘ maybe you’re what i needed to find in order to move on. ’ ‘ never get caught falling harder. they’ll never let you back up. ’ ‘ please don’t go. ’ ‘ some days it’s easier to just stop fighting it & succumb. ’ ‘ sometimes, you’ll find it hard to keep going, but you always will. ’ ‘ the desire i feel for you is that same itching, insidious hunger that an addict has for their addiction. ’ ‘ the worst thing about you is that you weren’t all bad. ’ ‘ there is absolutely nothing & no one who can stop me. ’ ‘ there is no route of losing you that is without pain. ’ ‘ there’s still room for adventure & there is no one i’d rather have by my side. ’ ‘ things didn’t turn out the way i planned, but i’m alright with that. ’ ‘ we could be really incredible together, you know? ’ ‘ you are beautiful & vibrant & confident. you are light & laughter incarnate & every fiber of your being screams freedom & joy. when i am with you, i am truly happy. ’ ‘ you are starlight incarnate, from the grand way you sway your hips to the wide mysterious way you think. blessed are any to be loved by you. ’ ‘ you are too afraid of the future to let go of a past that was never kind to you. ’ ‘ you call me yours & i have no idea what that even means to you. ’ ‘ you remind me of bubblegum & sweets; soft & pink & warm. you are strong in the gentlest way. you are so stubbornly kind. i wish i could be like that. ’ ‘ you still visit me while i sleep sometimes. your fingers trace my spine & i listen to you breathe. please stop haunting me. ’ ‘ ‘morbid curiosity’ is a wonderful way to describe how i feel about you. ’
D A R K
‘ a thousand empty bottles & fist fights will never return to us what we lost that day. ’ ‘ everyone else has moved on, but i am still here. ’ ‘ everything about you screams danger. ’ ‘ everything is worthless to you & you, in turn, became worthless. ’ ‘ for once in my life i want to be surrounded by people that i don’t feel like i need to impress. ’ ‘ freedom is really hard to get used to. ’ ‘ how could you do this to me? how fucking could you? ’ ‘ i am becoming everything we always dreamed of & i am leaving you behind. ’ ‘ i buried you so well that you might as well have died. ’ ‘ i can rest easy knowing that the person i love is dead & not the monster you became. ’ ‘ i can’t look at you. not now, not ever. ’ ‘ i don’t ask how you’ve been. what’s the point? you’d lie anyways. ’ ‘ i dream of hearing the words i so desperately needed to lay your memory to rest. ’ ‘ i haunted this house first. there is no room for you here. ’ ‘ i have a right to be upset. i loved them too, you know. ’ ‘ i just want it to end. i want it to all go away. i want to go away. ’ ‘ i may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but a snake hiding in the skin of a mouse is far more dangerous. ’ ‘ i saw your face today & didn’t feel anything. i am free. ’ ‘ i tried to save you, but you didn’t want to be saved. you just wanted someone to suffer with you. ’ ‘ it’s almost as if you were never here. ’ ‘ it’s unhealthy to do these things, you tell me. you say it’s time to stop smoking, time to stop gambling, & dammit, i f you don’t stop drinking it’ll kill you. i sure hope you’re right, darling. ’ ‘ i’m always pleasantly surprised by how easy it is to kill you in my mind ’ ‘ i’m not really scared to die. i’m more afraid that no one will miss me when i’m gone. ’ ‘ i’m not the person you left behind anymore. there’s no one here to miss. ’ ‘ i’ve been dead far longer than i’ve been alive. ’ ‘ i’ve eaten nothing but flower petals & ivy for weeks because i want to be beautiful inside like you. ’ ‘ i’ve never been completely satisfied. i most likely will still be unsatisfied long after my death. ’ ‘ no motive other than pleasure, my dear. ’ ‘ one day i’ll go or you will. either way, it will be as if i’m losing a piece of myself. ’ ‘ our dreams & promises decay along with you. ’ ‘ the leaves change, but nothing else does. ’ ‘ the only difference between avoiding & leaving is that now i’m not waiting up for you. ’ ‘ there is no such thing as a person who is required to love you. ’ ‘ there’s only so much that can be done to repair old damage. ’ ‘ things aren’t going as i hoped. maybe if i die, i can start over again? better luck next time. ’ ‘ this is not something to be proud of. this is a tragedy. ’ ‘ trying to get rid of me? oh honey, you’ll have to try much harder than that. ’ ‘ trying to get under my skin? you’re nothing more than a pesky itch. ’ ‘ unlike you, i can’t hide my identity when it becomes an inconvenience or a danger. ’ ‘ weeping is for gods & martyrs, we cannot afford such luxuries. ’ ‘ would you even miss me? ’ ‘ you are not important enough to earn an eternal place in my heart. ’ ‘ you complain nonstop about being unloved & alone, i can’t imagine what you’d be like if that were actually true. ’ ‘ you don’t know what it’s like. ’ ‘ you made this so fucking easy for me. ’ ‘ you should see me as a threat. i will tear down everything you know until there is nothing left of you. i am a walking threat. ’ ‘ you think i’m already gone, but i’m still fighting. ’ ‘ you think i’m dead, but i’m just dying. ’ ‘ you were never an addiction, you were a fucking disease. ’ ‘ you wouldn’t dare cross me. i am god & you are the soil beneath my feet. ’ ‘ your existence takes up so much more space in mine that we might as well be one entity. ’ ‘ your fingers are so cold & bruised, but you’re still slamming your fists again the barricade as if it makes a difference. ’ ‘ your hair is tied in a noose & your fingernails are razor blades, your lips are poison & i will gratefully kiss them. ’ ‘ your hatred has a body count & we will not forget. ’ ‘ your loss, not mine. ’ ‘ you’re a sick fuck. you know that? ’ ‘ you’re not gentle with me & i would never ask you to be. ’ ‘ you’ve trapped yourself so thoroughly in your own mind that it’s not even a rut anymore, it’s a pit. ’
They tell her how amazing she is and anybody would be lucky to have her but what they’re not saying is that she’s only amazing until someone else comes along because she’s never anyone’s first option. She’s a consolation prize. She’s a “good for now” kind of girl. One day she grew tired of the pain that comes from never being good enough and she decided that she would always choose herself first and that was good enough.
They lost their power over her when she realized that she was enough for herself - Jess Amelia
i. the stars. i spend an hour making eye contact with burning balls of gas brighter than my future could ever be, but i don’t hold it against them. a stars goal is to brighten the sky, and by proxy they brighten my life, little glittering reminders that even when the world ends on earth the stars will still shine.
ii. your smile. i thought the stars were the brightest thing in the world until i met you. our friendship became a lighthouse, a beacon of warmth to guide through rough seas, and the fire sheltered beneath your ribs is a special kind of burning. i have never been less afraid of the flames.
iii. magic. not the kind that harry potter plays with, though that too has its place, but the kind that makes its home in the dawns and dusks of the world, in rainbows and storm clouds and ice cream. the magic inherent in the air after rain and in that moment right before you fall asleep.
iv. home. not just a place. a feeling. coffee in new york and book shops in yorkshire. a space carved for yourself, built brick by brick only metaphorically because there is nothing more fluid and changing than home. it flutters like a butterfly some days, and on others it is as stable as an old oak tree, roots running so deep they caress the core of the earth.
v. life. the antithesis of death. that life continues on and would do so even without me is, in its own way, a comfort. with life comes food and friendship, video games and new books. progression too, because the world isn’t stagnant, isn’t frozen, and i figure that if it can move forward, walk into the unknown with open eyes, then so can i.