inferility

I’m disturbed by how normal being skewered with that wand has become! I used to get so anxious, now I’m like “Whatevs. Jam it in.”

So my OB said I’m responding well to the Clomid and things look promising for this cycle. She saw a good sized follicle on the left side and thinks I should be ready to go tomorrow. So she “prescribed” wine and a date night. :)

I called my husband and said he has to wine and dine me. Doctors orders! I have a nice long weekend coming up too.

Perfect time to make a baby.

12dpo

I’m still not really sure whats going on. I tested this morning and once again we pretty much ran around the house looking at it through every light asking each other “Do you see it?”. Initially I had DH go in the bathroom to look at the results while I stayed in the bedroom. He said it was BFN, but I wanted to see it anyways. I’m not sure if my mind is playing tricks on me or not but I swear there is another line. DH took another look and then he started to back track and agreed with me which of course makes everything invalid. Would it be bad juju to post a picture of the test from today and 10dpo? I’d like to see what you all think of it. Either way I’ll probably end up testing again on Sunday.

Symptom wise there isn’t much going on. I’m tired but that could just be because the weather is changing so much. The sun sets at 6 now and it’s been so cold lately. My nips are a bit sore but nothing compared to my other pregnancies. I’m moody…but what else is new. Also I have on and off AF cramps, which is a bit weird because I usually never cramp before AF. But with all the treatments we’ve done my body is always doing its own thing. Either way I guess I’m still in the game until AF shows. 

IVF#2- Two Days Post Egg Retrieval

The doctor called me today with the most up-to-date plan. I still have 4 embryos. 3 are between 2-4 cells. The last one is 5 cells which is advanced for this stage. There is a 5th embryo that fertilized, but it is not dividing. It could, but it is doubtful. It appears that the best case scenario would be a day 3 transfer. This is because I only have a few embryos and they would have a better chance if we put them in on day 3. Unfortunately, there is a MASSIVE HURRICANE barreling towards CT and a day 3 transfer is impossible. We talked about a day 4 transfer. However, the doctor explained that this is rarely done because it is hard to pick the best embryos. Day 4 in a strange day for embryo development. This means we are looking at a day 5 transfer by default. If I go in on day 5, and none of them made it, we will have to defrost and use our frozen embryos. That means this entire cycle- all the shots, the money, the surgery, the bruises, the pain would have been for nothing. If we have to use what is frozen, and I still do not get pregnant, we will have to start all over again. Back to square one. Even though I am desperate to keep trying, I think I should take a month off because of my egg quality. I am also really concerned about the state of my liver. It has been overwhelmed by so many medications.

The doctor said that we should have done ICSI and that we learned this lesson the hard way. She said that she made the decision not to do ICSI based on my cycle from last month. She thought it was the best choice but she was wrong. I am kicking myself for not asking her to do just a few ICSI. I almost asked her to do a few but I was still drugged when she was discussing it with me. Oh well, what can you do about it now?

My doctor said that she consulted another IVF specialist about my case and they think that the current plan is the best case scenario. If it does not work, we will evaluate why. It could be that I need to choose another donor. It could be that I need genetic testing. She assures me that it is not a result of the medication dosage. I don’t necessarily agree with that, but I am trying to put my faith in the fact that she knows more than I do.

I told her that I was worried about the embryos making it through the hurricane. She said that the frozen ones are safe, we just have to worry about the fresh ones. She explained that there are two maintenance men spending the night in the building to make sure that the generators stay on. Hopefully they stay on. Hopefully the building does not flood. Hopefully they don’t evacuate the area. I will FREAK OUT if my embryos die because of this stupid hurricane. It’s not like having a car destroyed. Okay, it would suck, but I could get a new car. It would not involve me taking 3-4 shots per day for several weeks and being treated as a human pin cushion so I can have excruciating surgery to get eggs that don’t even fertilize!!! Sorry… I am really upset right now. I probably should have written this blog when I was in a better frame of mind.

Oh, and to top it off, my neighbor said that there may be so many trees blocking the road that we are unable to leave our street for 3-7 days! Have I mentioned that I live in the deep woods? We also may have no way to communicate with anyone, including my doctor. I hope they know to freeze the embryos if I do not return their phone calls and I do not show up for the embryo transfer. I tried to leave a message but the mailbox was full.

Please, please, please let everything work out. For once…

CD17

Good news: This morning’s scan showed that from the 10+ follicles I had a week ago, about 6 of them are maturing and of those 6 about 3 are at 14-16mm. I can’t remember if I had a 16…but I know I had at least two at 15. The nurse said that If my levels were good then I would probably continue stims till Sunday, trigger, then IUI on Tuesday. 

Bad news: My body is naturally surging which means I can’t keep stimming to grow bigger follicles, which means no IUI. For IUIs mature follicles are usually at least an 18. I read somewhere that normal women ovulate from follicles that are 15-16mm but typically there is only a 50% chance of a 16mm follicle to produce an egg, and only about a 30% chance for a 15mm follicle. My RE called and said that I should trigger tonight at 6pm and just keep having sex. 

I don’t know how I feel about this. On one hand I’m happy that my body is responding to the treatment and that we can save some money now that IUI #3.5 is a no-go. Oh and now it makes sense why I was all over my husband yesterday.[TMI- I have the worst rug burns on my knees. No cowgirl'ing for a while.] I’m a little mad that I didn’t have huge juicy follicles and didn’t get to do an IUI. I wanted to really have my chances maximized this cycle. 

But with all things considered, I’m fine.TGIF!

200 with a bullet

So Monday my HCG was up to 201. So 63 Friday to 201 on Monday. It should double every 48-72 hours. That’s almost 4x. Feeling good about that. The ultrasound showed no masses anywhere (good) and my uterus had a thick lining (good). All this seems great with potential.

The negativity coming from my doctor however was almost ridiculous. She was basically saying its probably ectopic, I will probably bleed soon, and I should get to the hospital right away when that happens. I know she has to temper everything with realism but I’m already a negative Nelly. She doesn’t have to convince me!!!! Shit son.

So, we have two more weeks until out next dr. Appt. I will have new insurance. We should be about 6 weeks by then (???) so maybe we can see some thing on the ultrasound.

Trying to shake the negative vibes from the doctor and just be positive. Told my boss. Told my mom. He hasn’t told anyone yet. So, we’ll see…..

Twins?

With this IVF cycle, we have a 50% chance of getting pregnant. If I do get pregnant, I have a 20-30% chance of twins. When talking about the pregnancy that I hopefully will have, I keep referring to “they” when discussing the baby(ies). That’s right, multiple babies. Perhaps I will have twins. Perhaps I have a mother’s intuition.

Speaking of intuition, a good friend of mine told me that she had a feeling that all of the IUI cycles would not work. However, she has a good feeling about IVF. Hmm… Also, a few weeks ago my mother told me that she had a dream that she was in the delivery room when I was having my baby. The baby was a girl, had dark hair, and looked Asian (which is not a surprise because I looked Asian when I was small). She explained that the only people in the room were herself and my brother Devin. (I wonder where Marcie was…lol.) She explained that the dream was really vivid. I jokingly asked her if she was psychic. She said, “Well…” My ears perked up. She explained that she had similar vivid dreams when she was pregnant with each one of her children. She stated that she knew what sex each of us would be and exactly what each of us would look like. Her dream about my child was just like the dreams she had about her own children. Who knows? The only thing about that dream that couldn’t happen is that I will not have a natural childbirth. I have to have a c-section because of my myomectomy. If not, I have a 10% chance of my uterus rupturing and bleeding to death. Not good odds according to my AZ doctor. I concur. Also, I’m still wondering where my wife was in the dream. Either way, I will take it as a premonition of good things to come.

A Picture Of Me As A Toddler