is a cartoon series I have never watched and have no plans to watch and in fact the only reason I know about it at all is from Tumblr posts that I skipped by repeatedly pressing page down before I learned that ‘j’ skips entire posts.
Now I will summarise how much of it I have picked up purely by osmosis.
The Crystal Gems are a bunch of friendly aliens from another Planet who have come to Earth to protect it from less friendly aliens. Rose is a plus-size gem with huge fluffy hair who wants to bone a guy who looks like Homer Simpson, after which she dies giving birth because sex = death and she is actually Padmé. Please be warned that there is an inner circle of Hell reserved for people who draw fan art where Rose is skinny.
Rose gives birth to Steven, a half-human / half-gem who is Weird in many ways. In her absence he is raised by his father Greg and the remaining gems: Pearl, a balletic war-droid who was Rose’s former servant slash lover, Amethyst, a smol gem who has impulse control issues, and Garnet, a powerful gem who punches things and has an Afro. (People who draw her without the Afro also end up in hell according to Section 34 of the SU fan art rules and regulations).
Gems can Fuse with each other (and humans!), a physical process that involves “dancing” and is a lot of fun and builds to a climax that creates a new being. Apparently this may be the first portrayal of procreative lesbian sex on a mainstream children’s television show.
Garnet the Afro Gem Lady is actually a fusion of two smol gems, Ruby and Sapphire, who are essentially locked in an endless make out session.
Uh I just referred to a Gem as a Lady, but this is a Highly Contested Point as being Aliens they are technically non-human and thus non-ladies, however they are coded female except wait fuck that’s transphobic, uh look let’s just note that this issue of Gem gender and sexuality is Controversial and move on.
Steven has a friend called Connie who starts out as a bookish nerd like Hermione and ends up a stone cold bad-ass wielding a sword while Steven protects her with a shield because traditional gender roles are for losers. They enjoy a happy pre-teen relationship that is chaste and truly charming, except in the world of fan art where they are all grown up and getting it on like rabbits, let me tell you.
Connie has a strict Indian mother who is a doctor because Art Imitates Life.
At one point Steven and Connie get a little too frisky together and fuse to make a new entity referred to as Stevonnie, who looks and acts like a mixture of both of them together. There is absolutely nothing weird about this, and it expands the cosplay possibilities enormously.
This all takes place in Atlantic City on the Beach, under the benevolent rule of Mayor Dewey Trump, who has the unrequited hots for Pearl.
As you can see, even unwanted incidental exposure to cartoons can take up valuable mental space and leave you knowing far more than you ever needed about these guys!
Except for that frickin’ pink lion that’s asleep in the background of every shot, seriously what is up with that- no, don’t tell me, a little ignorance is a beautiful thing in this fallen world.