incident

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NEW VIDEO! Why I can’t go back to the gym.. 

Here’s a thing that happened to one of my friends. I was there.

Basically, we were walking down the sidewalk, talking about something meaningless. I think it had to do with a movie. Then this bus screeches up, stops next to us, and a bunch of people with “Down with Cis” shirts climbed out and started beating him up. I was punched and kicked a bit too, but I managed to avoid brutalization by going for their faces. After figuring out what’s happening, I started attacking them back, getting them off of him. He was quite injured but I called 911 and he made a full recovery at the hospital. I was fine, with only a cut on my arm that they patched up.

Reasons Why I’m Going to Hell

Okay story time.

 So the SIM card that I have for my mobile was previously owned by some middle aged dude who apparently forgot to inform a couple of his friends that he had turned his number in. So now, on random days I get random calls from random people and there are hardly times where I understand what they’re saying (note that I’m from India and different people speak different languages) 

So to make things more interesting, I decided that the next time I get a call from an unknown number whose voice I don’t recognise I would start quoting Doctor Who or Supernatural to them. So yesterday I got another call from an unknown number:

 Them: Hello?

 Me: Yes, who’s this?

 Them: Can you hear me?

 *So at this point I realised that I’ve never heard the voice before and since they spoke pretty good English I knew that I was going to have fun*

 Me: Yes this is the Doctor. How may I help you? 

Them: I - I don’t understand. Who are you? 

Me: I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition. 

 Them: I’m sorry I don’t -

 Me: No listen to me. Don’t blink. Blink and you’re dead. They are fast. Faster than you can believe. Don’t turn your back. Don’t look away. And don’t blink. Good Luck.

 Them: I really don’t understand what’s happening.

 Me: oh don’t worry it’s just wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff. Oh and have you seen a big blue police box around here anywhere? I’m stuck in 1969. It’s a tad inconvenient 

 Them: Ma'am please. I would like to talk to [my name] 

Me: 

Them:

Them: Are you still here? Do I have the wrong number?

 Me: *in a shaky and squeaky voice* um you’re talking to her 

Them: Okay so this is [my name]? 

Me: Yes 

 Them: Okay [my name], my name is [their name] and I’m your mentor from the Career Counselling program that you’ve chosen to attend. I got your number from your parents who asked me to contact you about when your session with me will be held…

 GUYS I JUST QUOTED DOCTOR WHO AND SUPERNATURAL TO THE GUY WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HELPING ME PLAN MY FUTURE

 I AM SO DEAD

 I CANNOT FACE HIM NEXT WEEK

Money has never really mattered to me. Seeing lot of those rich snabs have always made me realised this, “that some people are soo poor all they have is money”. But today I was just wandering in one of the shopping malls with few folks. I was looking for my stuffs T,shirts and all, while I was seeing here and there. I saw a beautiful dress it was more of a gown or a suit I don’t know, may be a girl can explain what really it actually was. I stood there and I went in those thoughts were I was wondering how she will look in that dress if she will wear it? 😅😅 I thought and then I took a pause and I said to myself “beautiful”!. Just when the other guy standing next to me said, hey what happened lets move (Abe chal kya hua). I told them to wait for a second, I ran towards that dress to see the price tag and again it was quite expensive. It is not a first incident that I have been out of my pocket. But these things make me realise, money does matters sometime. I really wanted to purchase it for her…
Here’s a story that actually happened to me in real life

Today, I a white cishet male, was walking to work, talking on the phone with my friend about something meaningless. I think it had to do with a children’s cartoon. When I was about a block away from my office, I came across a gang of SJWs, huddled behind a dumpster in an alley. Suddenly, one turned around, and faced me. She had unshaven armpits, wore a “male tears” shirt, had short pink hair and glasses, and her pants were stained with period blood. They circled around me and all jumped on me at once, yelling “DIE CIS SCUM!” and “KILL ALL MEN!”. I fought back as much as I could, but there were so many of them. 

Suddenly, I had an idea. I would use my greatest weapon against them: facts and logic. 

“There are only two genders!” I yelled. “There are no trigger warnings in real life! The wage gap is a myth! Reverse racism is real! Safe spaces are stupid!”

Suddenly, they stopped punching me, and all burst into tears, all at once.

“What’s wrong, did I TRIGGER you? Top kek”, I said, adjusting my fedora. 

“Who are you?”, one of the butthurt tumblrina cucks asked, sobbing.

“I am facts. I am logic. I am tumblr’s worst nightmare,” I answered dramatically. I then opened up my umbrella and flew away like Mary Poppins

100% true story. Not fake at all

Okay guys you need to stop

This fucking “bahamas incident” is really close to stalking a person and by really close I mean it is stalking.. Literally…

Tracking down someones ip adress just to find where he tweeted from is way too far!!

What I am trying to say is “ you guys need to calm the fuck down and just let a guy tweet an ironic tweet which he probably would have explained in the next live show anyway”

Jesus….

tfw you can’t draw meteors, fire, or smoke

so what’s happening here is that Elgyem and his friend (I’ll make a ref for her later) were travelling through space to move to wherever the fuck the main games take place. However, a meteor somehow bursted into flames and crashed into the UFO the Elgyems were in. The contact the meteor made with the spacecraft managed to throw the shiny Elgyem out of the UFO and somehow break the UFO control system thing. As for the other Elgyem, he was freaking out, then crashing into the desert of Route 111 in Hoenn.