I am teaching myself how to take up space. How to not apologise constantly for the way I live and breathe. How an apology isn’t something I am supposed to say before I speak in a conversation. How I’m so sorry, isn’t something I have to say before I just allow myself the basic right of speaking about anything.
I am teaching myself that I am allowed to exist on this planet without thinking of myself as a burden. How to not apologise for things that are out of my control. How to understand when people are trying to manipulate me into thinking the worst of myself and most of all how to stop thinking the very worst of myself as I deserve better than that from myself.
I am teaching myself that humans can exist without assuming the very worst about themselves and how the people around them perceive them. How to not apologise when someone bumps into me and I immidiately assume it is my fault. How to not apologise when I ask a question because I think others will think I am stupid. How to love myself for these flawed bits of me no one has ever wanted to love before.
I am teaching myself that all the lies my abusers told me about myself were so very wrong. How I am allowed to make mistakes. How as long as I apologise and amend things, anything is fixable if I still have love in my heart for the other person. How not everything that has ever gone wrong in every relationship is my fault.
I am finally learning how to take up space as a human being. It’s taken a long, long road to get here. And I still have a very long way to go before I am done understanding that it is my job to take up space, that I am not just an afterthought or a secondary character in this gift of life I have been given. That who I am is not an apology, that who I am is not wrong.
Who told you only the soft could be good mothers? That mothers could not be dragons in disguise? That women who teach their daughters how to preserve themselves by breathing out lightning were any less than wild, magical things when teaching their young about war and love’s terrible lies?
I found it funny and terrible. And yeah, heartbreaking.” she laughed bitterly. “How can I keep on saying yes, even if I wanted to say no. How I keep on believing in so many lies even if all I wanted was to know every little bit of the truth. Maybe because I know it would hurt me so bad. To see things far from what I wanted them to be. To hear the words that would bring me back to every pain I’m always avoiding—to feel. It hurts like hell. And I am so tired of pretending that it was okay.” she looked down and finally said, “And if I continue this, it would just tear me in the end. I just realized that I deserve to say no.” she sighed showing that she’s exhausted, then she softly said, “And this time, I’ll choose to say no.
Q1. Your dream job when you were a child? A badminton player when I was in elementary school. After that my parents bought me a computer so I got into gaming and wanted to do a job about gaming.
Q2. How did the members celebrate your birthday in 2017? We were all practicing singing and dancing and the lights suddenly went off, then the door was opened and Jimin-san and V-san came in holding a cake.
Q3. When do you feel like you have become an adult! I turned 20 in Japanese age in September! But actually I’m still a kid at heart, so truthfully I don’t really feel like I have become an adult.
Q4. In which moment do you feel like you’re still a kid? For example, when I watch and think about a video or an interview. When I read people’s comments, I feel like even with the same question, they think from a much bigger point of view than me. That’s when I feel like maybe I’m still lacking in depth.
Q5. A work that touched you recently? “Love, Rosie”. It made me touched because it’s a sweet but sad love story.
Q6. The kind of song you’re planning to compose? Song of styles like future base and chillstep which I enjoy and listen to a lot.
Q7. Favorite dessert? The Japanese snack kinako mochi. I like that it melts in my mouth because it’s just so fluffy! Also I ate cheesecake before the photoshoot for <non-no>. That one was delicious too♡
Q8. How do you take care of your beautiful voice? I don’t pay particular attention to it… Like I just sing with my original voice I’ve had since I was born…
Q9. Any habit? Covering my nose when I yawn. Not mouth but nose somehow. (laughs) And I pull the baby hair on my face unconsciously. I know about these things because fans told me.