in the morning me at home l.a


“My Friends:

Some days it just stands on my chest like an elephant. My mind races and I run through the list of the “what if” and the “if I only could of”. I’m rational enough to know that there was nothing I could have done differently, but still the mind wanders and I beat myself up and I want to go back in time just enough to have a conversation.

I must have been wearing it on my face today. We were having chips and a margarita (I was having root beer) at perhaps the darkest, windowless bar I have ever been in and as we got up to leave the bartender threw out his hand and offered me condolences. That just doesn’t ever happen to me. Then tonight while I was walking the dog, a woman whom I’ve never seen before called me by name and said she had a t-shirt for me. She had been trying to figure out how she would get it to me and there I was wandering up the street with my furry son.

It was a day of connection with my Brother. Amy and I visited him at Hollywood Forever this morning. It’s become my weekly visit. I talk to him. And I cry. We brought him flowers and organized the flowers, notes, candles, medallions and photos that people from all over the world bring to him. It would make more sense to me if he were at rest in Seattle, but selfishly I am glad he’s close to me here in L.A.

We went home and looked through some old family photos and I thought maybe you’d like to see some of them. I find the more I share with all of you, the more I get out of my own head about all of this. Melding my grief and more importantly my healing, with you and yours, seems to lighten the load.

Check out the pictures. We were just regular kids. A regular family of jokesters and tattle tales. Pigtail pullers and ghost story tellers. There was never a time that we were the perfect family. Whose family is perfect? But we were our family. As siblings, we had a comfort with each other. That comfort never left us, even when we were in different corners of the planet with our own families and lives and dramas. Management and crew would be standing outside my Brother’s dressing room afraid to bother him and I would walk that familiar comfort right passed them and in through the door and give him a hug and kiss him on the cheek. I had an all access pass that I wore on my face and in my DNA. And that’s who we were. I will miss that forever. Forever!!

Please enjoy the photos as I have this afternoon. Thank you for allowing me into your grief, your healing and your worlds.


Peter Cornell, 9/23/17

Anything For You

Originally posted by alternatrash

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Brendon Urie

Request: Yes. || I’m really sorry to bother you but I’ve been so sad today could you maybe write me some flulffy Brendon like it didn’t have to be long just brendon cheering the female reader up like I really need that

Warnings: SFW || No warnings.

Masterlist: Here

Guys, please know that you can message me to talk any time. I hate knowing that you guys are sad. I realize everyone gets sad sometimes but I will do everything I can to help you be happy. I love you all. Also, look at the gif. You’ve been booped by Beebo. Enjoy, my darlings. xx

Keep reading

•Talk to me. (Ethan Dolan Imagine) ~ Requested

-Summary: Ethan isn’t himself and Y/N tries to get him to open up to her.
•Sad!/fluffy Ethan
•Requested by @t-rexexcuse

Ethan was a worrier, even if he didn’t show it. Compared to Grayson he was much quieter about his emotions. He was always someone who viewed being upset as being weak, this led him to bottle up whatever worries or negative thoughts that he had inside of him. Because you have been with Ethan for just over a year and a half,you could usually tell when there was something bothering him. Today was one of those days.

Weirdly, it was bucketing down rain in L.A.

“I do not plan to move from bed at all today” you mumbled to your boyfriend as you looked out of the curtains at the rain that was hopping off of the ground outside. Ethan was awake but he was distant. He was just staring blankly at the ceiling above him, playing with the purple rubber bracelet around his wrist, an anxious habit of his.


“Hmm?” He still hadn’t really acknowledged you yet, which was weird for him because you normally would have to peel him off of you in the morning to even just go to the bathroom.

“Ethan look at me” the seriousness of your tone of voice must have snapped him out of his daze as he looks at you. His eyes are bloodshot and have dark bags underneath them. He looks like he hadn’t slept a wink.

“You know you can talk to me about anything right” you say as you search his eyes for any sign or indication of what is bothering him.

He lightly lifts your hand to his face and grazes his lips over your knuckles before placing a gentle kiss on the back of your hand. “Yeah I know Y/N”. You let your hand linger on his cheek for a few seconds trying to decide whether to push him to open up or give home some space.

“I’m going to make some breakfast, I’ll be back in a few minutes” you kiss cheek and climb over him to make your way to the kitchen. Maybe you could cheer him up a little with some pancakes?

About 15 minutes later you place the food on a tray and go back to the bedroom. You place the tray on Ethan’s lap “thank you babe”
Ethan must have taken maybe two bites out of his food until he gave you a sympathetic look. “Im sorry I just don’t have an appetite” he says and and put down his fork which makes a loud clank against the plate. You quickly move the tray off of the bed and put it on the floor and sit yourself on Ethan’s lap over the blanket. You have one leg on either side of his waist while you sit there hoping he would explain to you why he was so down. The sight of him so unhappy was unbearable to watch. All you wanted was to make him happy again but you needed him to open up to you. You place both of your hands on either side of his neck, gently stroking his jawline with your thumbs.

“Baby please just tell me what is wrong so I can fix it. I can’t fix it if I don’t know. Please just let me help you”

Ethan looks into your eyes properly for the first time that whole morning. His eyes are glassy and are brimming with tears. Seeing him so defeated made your heart shatter into a million pieces, all you wanted to do was make him better.

“I - I just I-” were the only words that could escape his lips before he completely broke down into sobs. You instantly pull him into your chest to comfort him. You move so that now you’re lying with your back against the headboard and Ethan lying on your chest with his arms around your torso holding onto you. You gently stroke his hair as you shush him. “It’s okay E let it out”. A few of your own tears slip from your eyes from seeing him like this. He continues to cry for a few minutes before his breathing calms and slows. He lifts his head up as faces you, you wipe some tears from his face with your thumb “talk to me. Please”

“I just feel under so much pressure. I want to make videos because it’s what I love to do but I feel like I never get to spend enough time with my family. I feel like I don’t spend enough time with you. Don’t get me wrong I love where I am right now, I just feel as though sometimes we work so much we don’t get to take in what we have at the moment and really enjoy it. And also lately I’ve felt so much guilt about leaving our mom and dad for months on end without seeing them. Cam is gone to college and Gray and I are out here in L.A, within the last year they’ve both lost their three babies. I just hope that one day in the future I don’t look back and regret not spending time with them while I have it you know?” He lets out a sigh as he finishes and bows his head again. You lift his chin up with your finger so that he’s looking you in the eye again.

“Okay. First of all, you’re right. You and Grayson are in L.A doing what you LOVE. And I know for a fact that your parents are so proud of each and every single one of you. E if they wanted you all at home with them they could’ve easily stopped you, but they didn’t. Because they love you. They are the happiest parents in the world because they are watching their babies living their dream and being happy. That is all they could ever want. Tell you what.. why don’t we just go see them? Me, you and Grayson will get on a flight in the morning and go. Second of all, I don’t think you could spend more time with me if you tried babe.” He smiles at you, which causes your chest to feel like it’s exploding with relief. “That’s the E I know” you say as you boop his nose.

He just looks at you in awe. “ thank you so much. What did I ever do to deserve someone as amazing as you? ” he pulls you into a bear hug and now you’re lying on his chest. His entire body even feels less tense than what it was only an hour ago, you feel him relax and drift off to sleep.

“I love you so much Y/N”

“I love you too E”


A/N - Hiii✨ I just wanted to say thanks for the support, I’ve literally only been back writing two days and everyone is so lovely. Send me any requests because I’m really enjoying making these✨✨

Watch on

Michael Luwoye has the title role in the hit Broadway show “Hamilton,” now playing at the Hollywood Pantages Theatre. He joined us on Good Day LA and talking about how at first, he just though of theater as a hobby rather than a career.

“I was in New York and I was catering. Hours before, I’d just finished my final audition for Hamilton and Burr – I was auditioning for both parts at that time. And I left the audition, I went to my catering job, I set up, I was putting on my tuxedo, and I got a call from my agent and I found out that I was going to be Hamilton alternate on Broadway. And I did the show for seven months on Broadway as Hamilton and an understudy for Aaron Burr. And they gave me the role full time for the national tour.”

“Did you think you were in a dream?”

“I still haven’t woken up. Every single day, I’m pinching myself.”

“What happened to the catering job that night?”

“Yeah, have you given that up?”

“I did my last job that night, I completed the job, and then I went home and I started learning the material.”

“I mean, it was hitting the lottery! You take that tux off and chuck it, right?”

“It’s still somewhere in my closet…”

Excerpt from my WIP

Hey all, it’s Fev (½ of blackgirlmagicwrites). I noticed that a lot of you always share excerpts and we haven’t really been sharing on this blog as much as I’d like so here’s a bit from The Saviors Series Book #1:

Nash didn’t want to tell her, but after how honest she’d been with him, he felt he owed her a piece of himself. His entire face burned now. “Ryan’s been giving me his paycheck.”

Melanie’s eyebrows knit together. “To help him train? Is he that bad?”

“No. He would have given it to me anyway. He said ACES money doesn’t mean anything to him and I’m better off with it. I just offered to train him in exchange.”

She sat back, her mouth open. “That’s so rude.”

“It’s rude?”

“Yes! The fact that he’d assume that you would need his paycheck to survive. Is he that self-absorbed?” she said. “Does he just assume if people aren’t part of his family’s company that they’re just poor?”

Nash squinted at her. He’d picked up the habit as a kid since he didn’t want to burden his parents with the cost of getting him glasses. Even now that he had perfect vision, he found he couldn’t stop. “Melanie,” he said. “The money does help me.”

“I know that, of course, the money would help anyone. I’m saying that it isn’t right of him to assume money is everything. It’s not.”

He clenched his teeth. “You can say that. You can say money isn’t everything, because you have that privilege.”

“Oh no, that’s not— you’re not getting it.”

“No. You’re not getting it.” Nash tried to keep his voice level. “My mom has arthritis. She worked overtime to make sure there was always hot water for morning showers. Mandy came home complaining that the kids at school were making fun of her for having the same backpack since she was three. My dad’s shop is closing in a month because a higher-end place opened down the street and he’s been looking for a new place to work since June. They had to cut the cable and Wi-Fi after the Cycle started because I wasn’t at home to help pay the bills.” He bit his lip. “They were going to move out of L.A.”

Melanie was rigid. Her eyes glistened. She didn’t say anything.

“Ryan gave me his paycheck and my mom went back to working full-time. Mandy has a new backpack and watches Disney Channel. My dad got a better car so now he has an easier time going job hunting,” he said. “I’m not home, but sending them that check helps me sleep better at night. So, yeah, money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the damn lights on.”



So just who am I really. I’ve been a gay sugar baby for over 10 years, and was literally the kept kind of guy. Didn’t have to go get a job or go to school. I did work, but not conventionally 9-5 as a lot of older men seem to expect. 

For years before Seeking Arrangement I’d be given thousands more than I expected. One guy I still know when I was younger gave me 500 a week for 3 years, along with a 1000 each birthday and xmas at Neiman Marcus to charge on his card. All I would have to do pick out what I want and they would call him. Heck I went there so much all the sales associates knew me by first name. Then I met a developer who built the Georgetown Uni expansion and cafeteria. He talked about when he goes to Atlantic City, how he cuts 5% off the top of high limit slots. 

Well we both happen to be up there one time, so he invited me to dinner at the Borgotta casino. After dinner me and a friend I had come along with me where about to go high rolling unexpectedly. This man would stuff at least 2000 in cash, and then he’d hit where the buzzer goes off and the concierge would BRING you the STACKS. 1000′s my friends. Nearly at every turn I was being handed $100 dollar bills, until I collected $3500.00 in one night! My friend happen to be at the right place and time, and got a cut too of the same. Talk about generosity! THIS is what true giving is about. Not this double standard hypocrisy going on these sites now. 

I’ll never forget the time too, it was just a day before the Iphone was unveiled. I wouldn’t even need a sugar daddy had I bought Apple stock with my winnings! The gentleman had me over for a 2nd night. Not as much, but I still took about $2000-3000 from his 5% rule. Also I’m going to to say this, my friend yammering about college and getting into renewable wind energy farms. Turns out his big talk didn’t amount to much except going off to work with Greenpeace and when that was done he had NO PROSPECTIVE employment following it. I told him it’s not the ticket he thinks it is, but he was so convinced he was headed for a major energy career. 

Anyway, my final gift from this guy was a $5000.00 shopping spree at Neiman Marcus. I had brought money I saved myself for more clothing I wanted, but when I was standing with him at a counter I gave him the wad of about 2000, and he said “put your money away” I was like huh ? He said “I just wanted to slow you down. Yeah I went  and grabbed a few more things. It’s fun when you don’t have to even look at the prices. He also was carrying the BLACK CARD. This was a lucrative experience, but it didn’t last too long. Once the project was done, he left DC. Over the years I’ve gotten different men to treat me to things I desire, especially expensive clothing. I probably have a closet estimated at around $20,000.00 stuffed with silk shirts and blended pants from every couture designer, and collectors pieces from when Tom Ford was at Gucci. 

The next time was someone I actually met from the site, but he already knew of me outside it. Pay attention to what I’m about to say. He offered to pay me to stay overnight to see how it went. Well we really got into each other, so it wasn’t long (next day) that I see what I’ve seen before. So I got 700 for overnight and an extra 500. He wanted to see me every night for 3 nights. He also bought me an Air Book Mac since my old VAIO was on it’s death bed. He was planning on a return trip in a couple of weeks, so I mentioned going shopping next time. When he got to town he found out he was put in Reston Va, which wasn’t too far from Tysons Galleria, so off we went. Just let me loose. A man on a mission knowing what he wants, and eventually I found what I wanted. Zilli silk and wool pants, 2 RL blacklabel shirts, 1 Zegna polo and big treasure a 1500.00 Stefano Ricci silk shirt. Fuck Versace! Nothing stacks to the quality of Stefano Ricci in a silk shirt. He had no problem with spending 3000.00 ON TOP of giving me 500 for staying all night for 3 more nights.

Guys, this is what real sugar daddies are. NOT these guys who keep saying they don’t pay bills, rent, tuition, give allowances etc. They are USING this role with no intention of actually fulfilling it.

PART 1 LA story Finally, we get to the 2 juicy pics I’ve posted which come with an extremely long story I’m going to save for another time, but very briefly I went to see a gentleman in L.A, (which later became a Hyde player) and stayed for a week. We hit it off well, so after a week he asked me what my monthly expenses are. He was in the process of selling his Sacramento home, so when I came into the picture he was in escrow. He wanted to buy a Bentley, and on the morning of closing he woke and said he wants to go get it. I said you don’t have to ask my permission, and we both laughed how I said it. When walking the Beverly Hills Bentley/Rolls Royce dealership he casually asked me about a watch. I told him I don’t really wear jewelry and baubles. I just like Italian and British clothing, but he insisted to know what kind I would wear. Big James Bond fan, and I said Rolex Submariner with the blue dial, well after a few days a package with boxes arrive, and he hands me a green Rolex box. I was nearly shitting myself. I also told him I wanted a Bvulgari Diagano, but I wore it in the shower not realizing it wasn’t water resistant, so it got sent back and I didn’t get it. There’s more to this story than I’m telling right now. In fact I will tell when the sugar baby BAILS OUT, yes that’s right, the sugar daddy of a financial bind and literally having every gold diggers fantasy come true, but ends abruptly coming to the realization that I will NEVER sell out or my soul for it. Everything, and I seriously don’t give a shit what man owns what, must come with him as a person or not at all. I couldn’t give two shits if he had the most cutting edge dream contemporary home and garage full of super cars I’d salivate over. If it doesn’t come WITH the person, none of it means anything to me! 

But tonight, we crossed a line -C.B

Why’d it take so long to know?

The cold air blew onto your face, even the nature seemed to agree with you that this wasn’t a night to be out. It must’ve been around 3 in the morning, but there you were. Outside, in L.A, with your best friend Corbyn. The two had been best friends since your little nephew Zach introduced the two of you. Corbyn already knew so much of you, but there was one thing you didn’t tell him, yet.

When you woke up to the sound of someone walking around in your room, you quickly sat up with your phone in your hand to throw at the burglar. To your own suprise it was Corbyn, he was looking through your room as if he had lost something. ‘Uhm Corbyn? What are you doing? How late is it?’ He jumped at your whispering, flashing his flashlight directly in your face. ‘Woah, I didn’t expect you to wake up..’ ‘Well if someone is walking around in my room around midnight with a flashlight, most people wake up you know.’ You replied softly, putting a hand infront of your eyes to protect them. ‘Now put that darn flashlight of and let me put on my light.’ He just smiled and put his flashlight off, you quickly put your light on the side of your bed on. It normally was a reading light but this time you used it to light up the room. You also put on your fairy lights.

‘But you ignored my first question Corbyn, so what were you doing?’ you whispered as he sat beside you on your bed. ‘Well I couldn’t find my watch in my room and since we had hang out here this afternoon I thought it would be here.’ He ranted, not looking at you while he spoke. ‘Did you find it?’ You asked, not believing a word he said. ‘Yeah I did!’ He smiled, looking at you in triomph. ‘Well can I continue my sleep then?’ You said while softly pushing him off the bed. ‘Hmm.. I’d rather go venture out with you. You won’t be staying long and I want to spent as much time with my best friend as possible.’ He pulled you with him out of the bed. ‘You can even lent a sweater from me since it’s really cold out.’ His smirk made you agree, atleast that’s what he thought. The real reason you went with, well you liked him a lot. And if you didn’t go you didn’t get to wear his sweartshirt. How could you miss that?

So that’s how you were walking down town L.A at 3 in the morning, making cute snaps of each other for instagram. Pictures together, pictures alone, pictures with buildings or art, the two of you did it all. You looked like a couple, who were on a mission for tumblr couple goals. Corbyn got you something to eat and took you to the ferris wheel although you couldn’t go in. The pier was almost empty. Corbyn and you sat down at the beach, enjoying the sound of the sea. He slowly put an arm around you, pulling you closer. You laid your head on his shoulder, not talking at all. Los Angeles wasn’t quiet but wasn’t busy at this time. You enjoyed the peace, all the thoughts about telling Corbyn left your head. Time would tell.

When the night started to change into the day, Corbyn and you started to walk home. It was a 15 minute walk and it was around 6 in the morning. ‘Corbyn? Why did you take me?’ You looked at him, the sunlight was hugging his beautiful features. ‘Well, you haven’t been to L.A much and I wanted to show you around at it’s most beautiful hours.’ He smiled, putting an arm around your shoulders. ‘And ofcourse, just to spend time with my best friend.’ That stung your heart, after spending the whole night with him in both friendly but also very romantic ways he still viewed you as his best friend. 

The two of you arrived at the house around half past 6, the sun was now shining brightly. ‘We might have a problem’ Corbyn whispered, pulling you into the bushes next to the house. ‘What? What’s wrong?’ You whispered back, glancing over to the house. ‘They’re awake already..’ He looked at you, you could feel him tense up.

‘I swear, if we get caught I’m blaming you!’ You squeaked, hitting his arm. ‘Auch!’ He pulled his arm back, but he wasn’t mad. Quickly you ran off, running as low as possible to not be seen. Corbyn followed you, but you saw that you had been seen. You felt someone ran into you and Corbyn cursed ‘Why the.. Oh.. We’ve been caught.’ The rest of the boys were just staring in shock. ‘I don’t feel like talking to anyone anymore’ And with that you walked away, past the boys. Zach tried to talk to you but you just ignored him. What did he think, maybe he thought that you and Corbyn were secretly together. Sadly, that wasn’t it, no one knew about your feelings for Corbyn.

After spending two hours alone, thinking about the next move, you hear a knock on your door. ‘Can I come in?’ Zach spoke, pushing the door open. ‘Yeah, sure, let me just clean up a bit.’ You quickly got up and cleaned the tear stains from your cheeks, a bit of concealer worked wonders. ‘Sooo, do you wanna talk about what happened this morning?’ He said while sitting down, looking at you. ‘Well uhm, not really..’ You turned around, crossing your arms.

‘That’s too bad for you because I need to talk about it!’ Zach spat, he narrowed his eyes ‘How long have you been sneaking out with him? Do the two of you have something? Are you guys in a relationship?’ Questions flooded from his mouth. ‘This was the first time, nope and nope.’ You replied softly, not looking him in the eye. ‘Why were you out with him then?’ ‘He wanted to show me L.A at it’s beautiful hours.’ ‘And you’re sure you don’t like him?’ A sigh left your mouth ‘I do like him, a lot, but it isn’t going to happen I know that. He and Christina only broke up 2 months ago..’ It stayed silent ‘Oh and I’m leaving tomorrow.’

‘B-But? Why?’ Zach spoke softly ‘Well, I don’t think I can stay, seeing what this morning. It’s just.. Too awkward you know?’ Zach just looked at you in awe. ‘You can’t go yet, please?’ He whispered, tears welling up in your eyes once again. ‘I’ll be back, but now I just can’t do it. You and the boys already thought we were dating and I want Corbyn to heal first before I tell him anything. So.. You have to keep this a secret okay? I don’t want him to know.’ You looked at Zach, he was looking like he was breaking down as well. ‘Oh come here you dork, hug it out with your big niece.’ You laughed through your tears and walked towards Zach, pulled him in a hug and drawed circles on his back while hugging. ‘I don’t want you to go [Y/N].’ ‘I know.’

Nobody but Zach knew that you were leaving, so when you tried to get your suitcase downstairs, you got some strange looks. Ignoring them all, you got the suitcase downstairs. ‘[Y/N]?’ A rough voice said, you recognised it right away. You didn’t have the nerve to turn around, your hands started shaking. ‘Yes Corbyn?’ ‘Are you leaving?’ When you finally turned around, you met two bloodshot eyes. ‘I am.’ ‘Why?’

‘It doesn’t matter’ You looked away, to the stairs, waiting for Zach to get ready to take you to the airport. ‘It does to me..’ Corbyn softly said, making his way up to you. ‘Don’t.’ You whimpered. ‘Corbyn..’ Two arms pulled you into a hug. ‘[Y/N].. Don’t leave please..’ ‘I have to.’ You coldly spoke, pushing him away softly. ‘It’s for the best.’

The ride to the airport was awkward, Corbyn insisted on going with making you and Zach uncomfortable. It was silent, nobody sang along to the music on the radio. When you arrived at the airport, Zach got your suitcase and helped you to your gate. ‘I’m going to miss you’ Zach spoke pulling you into a hug. Corbyn just stared at you awkwardly ‘Goodbye Corbeann’ You forced a smile, turning around to walk through the security. ‘Wait! [Y/N]!’ Corbyn came running after you, grabbing your hand and pulling you in a hug. ‘I really like you..’ He whispered. ‘Don’t. You’ve just broken up with Christina’ You spoke, once again pushing him away. ‘Let’s just.. Not talk for a while okay?’ The tears came welling up once again. ‘Goodbye Corbyn..’ You walked away, through security, away from Corbyn.


Prompt ‘if we get caught I’m blaming you

Soooo, my first Corbeann imagine/fanfic thingie. It’s also way too long oops. Hope you enjoy loves! x

Imagine Axl Taking You Back on Your First Date

“I’m sorry I can’t take you somewhere nicer.” Axl says, his head hanging down. He’d wanted to take you to a nice restaurant but he was lucky someone had loaned him the money for pizza. You didn’t mind though. As long as you were with him you would go anywhere. 

“I don’t care where we go Axl, I’m just happy to be with you.” Reaching across the table to take his hand. The pizza place was small, only three other people inside, and falling apart. But neither of you seemed to be paying attention to that. 

When the waiter comes Axl orders a cheese pizza and water, letting you get a Coke. You’d known Axl since he first moved to L.A. he’d even stayed with you and a friend for a while. Money wasn’t what attracted you to him; but his sense of humor, the way his smile made you smile, and how big his heart was. Of course he was extremely passionate about everything he did too. When he’d asked you out he’d walked to your house in the rain; at two in the morning. 

“You’re so beautiful.” You look up from his hands, his bright green eyes staring at you, “You just make me feel so, I don’t know, at peace.” A smile touching his lips. 

Your cheeks flushing, “Thank you.” His smile contagious. Watching the way his eyes light up looking at your smile. 

“I know I don’t have much money right now, but I swear if you give me a chance I’ll be great to you. And one day I’ll have money and we can go wherever you want.”

You squeeze his hand, “Axl sweetie, where we are doesn’t matter. If you’re there, I’m there." 

Keep reading


The Loft



“Where are we?” I say under my breath while trying to take in everything.

“Welcome to The Loft.” Jack says with a smirk on his face. //

He starts walking towards the elevator in the corner of the parking lot, still carrying my bag and the leftover food from In-n-Out. As I’m walking behind him sipping on my chocolate shake, I start shaking. I can’t tell if I’m shaking because it’s chilly, or because I’m nervous as to what I’m about to walk into.

We finally reach the elevator and get inside. He presses the second floor button.

“(Y/N), are you cold? Here-“ Jack says while taking off his sweatshirt, leaving him completely shirtless.

While he hands me his sweatshirt, I try not to stare at him.

Damn, someone’s been working out more.

“Thanks,” I say quietly.

While we wait for the elevator to reach the second floor, I can feel him staring at me. I try my best not to look back; tonight’s been too intense already.

I hear the elevator bell ring as we finally arrive.

We walk from the elevator straight towards a black double door.

Jack pushes the two doors open in one movement holding them open for me. I take on step inside and instantly hear all the boy’s voices.

I see a chandelier right above me as I walk into an extremely large room consisting of beautiful furniture. One of the walls is just a huge window looking out onto the scenery of L.A. We walk to what seems to be the kitchen, to find all the boys sitting around the island counter eating.

Intruding the boys’ argument, Jack yells,

“Hate to interrupt, but we’re home. What have you guys been talkin-”

The boys immediately stood up and rushed over to me, all trying to hug me at once, overwhelming me with questions such as,

“Where have you fucking been?”

“I’ve missed you so much, (Y/N)”

“How are you doing?”

I hear Jack say,

“Guys, c’mon, give her space. We’ll talk about all that in the morning over breakfast.”

I give Jack a thankful look, and he nods. All the boys sit back down in their chairs.

I walk over to him and take my bag off his shoulder, with all the boys watching me.

“Where am I sleeping?” I ask, automatically regretting it, not knowing whom really to speak to considering there are 11 boys in the room right now.

All of them just look at each other, without responding to me.

Finally, Matt speaks up and says,

“Well, you already have your own room. But you can sleep wherever you feel comfortable. If you want to sleep in any of our rooms, feel free.” I can hear the nervousness in his tone.

My own room?

“Okay, well, why don’t you show me where it is?” I ask.

“Alright, we’ll be right back.” Matt says to everyone in the room while taking my bag.

I know it’s polite, but Jesus. I can carry my own bag.

I can feel the tension in the room as we walk towards a spiral staircase that leads up the 3rd floor.

Matt and I were always close, before I left. We flirted very often though, and I had a huge crush on him in the beginning. But I knew it was better to stay friends.

I walk up the stairs behind him. From the staircase, you are able to see the entire floor at one glance. The floor includes 12 rooms, one after another, forming a rectangle shape. 

(I don’t really know how to describe the 3rd floor, so just imagine it like the 2nd floor of the picture below. Except in the story, all the furniture and walls are black and white. SO BASICALLY JUST LOOK AT HOW IT’S BUILT OK, OK. CARRY ON)

I noticed that each room has a nameplate on the door, as to whose room it is.

After walking past 7 rooms, we finally stopped at mine. Matthew turned the knob and held the door open, waiting for me to walk in first.

I almost gasp while examining how gorgeous everything inside this room, my room, is. It fits me so well. There’s a huge bookcase on one wall that holds at least 200 books. There’s a record player too, with some of my favorite records. A large flat screen TV hanging from the wall across from my bed. My bed is black and white. I can see that the sheets are silk. There’s also a mini-fridge in the corner by my bed. There’s a window seat on the other side of the room, which has the same lookout of L.A. as the one downstairs.

I can’t believe I have my own room here. It was made just for me. God, they know me so well.

“Do you like it?” Matt asks me while scanning the room and setting my bag down.

“Are you kidding? This is like the room every girl wants. I can’t believe you guys did this; you guys didn’t have to do all this-

“Of course we did. (Y/N), we’ve really missed you. I’ve missed you.” He says while making eye contact.

“I’ve missed you too, Matt. I just needed space; it’s overwhelming with you guys sometimes. But I want everything to go back to normal.”

“(Y/N), things are far from normal.” Matt chuckles, but still in a serious tone.

“What do you me-“

Matt interrupts, “We’ll talk about it in the morning. Are you tired?”

“There’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep any time soon. Let’s just go back downstairs.” I start walking out the door, and he follows.

He shuts the door behind me.

As we walk back downstairs, I see Cameron making pancakes while all the other guys get drinks out on the table.

Pancakes at 3 a.m.? I am so down.

“I want mine with chocolate chips!” I say loudly as I sit on the counter near the fridge.

I hear Cameron laugh and say,

“I’m glad those are still your favorite because I already put chocolate chips in the batter.”

I’m so glad things have lightened up a bit.

Chill music is playing throughout the house, and I hear Jack Johnson say

“Guys, do you remember this song?”

*Mr. Brightside by The Killers starts playing*


Most of the boys reply with, “Believe me, we know. You had it on repeat for like two weeks!”

We all start singing along with the lyrics, still remembering all the words.

God, I’ve missed this so much.

After the song is over, Cam brings a big plate of pancakes to the table as we all sit down.

I sit between Jack G and Nate.

Nate hands me what seemed like plain Orange Juice, when I say

“Oh, that’s got a kick to it,” while laughing quietly.

“Yep, welcome back. Missed you.” He laughs and brings me in for a hug.

“I missed you too, Nate.”

I haven’t felt this wanted in so long.

After sitting there for a second and waiting for everyone to sit down, we all start eating and talking about all the memories.

“Oh God, remember that time we accidently stole that car?” I hear Johnson say to Gilinsky.

“I still can’t believe we got out of that!” Jack says while bursting out laughing.

After talking about all those great moments, we all quiet down and just kind of have our own little separate conversations, instead of a huge group discussion like before. I started talking across the table to Shawn about how I thought his last song, A Little Too Much, was amazing.

I get up to go get more orange juice when I see a girl in her bra and underwear walk down the spiral stairs while saying,

“Babeeeee, come back to bed,” slurring her words.

Not even worried about who she was speaking to, I look towards the table and see Jack G pissed and saying to the boys,

“Are you fucking kidding? I told you guys to get them all out before I came back with (Y/N).”

The girl walks over to me, starts drinking my drink and asks,

“You’re breaking one of the rules, you know.”

She starts pulling the hem of Jack’s sweatshirt, trying to take it off me.

“Um, excuse me.” I say trying to back up away from her.

I see Sammy get up and pull her away. He tells her to go get her clothes on and leave, and to not come back.

I see the boys looking at each other, not knowing what to do, muttering things to one another. I’m still standing in the kitchen, confused and getting agitated, waiting for someone to explain.

Why am I getting mad? Of course they would have a girl or two over. But Jack said ‘all’ of the them, meaning there was multiple. And what rules was that girl talking about? I don’t think I even want to know.

“(Y/N), you should sit down for this.” I hear Matt say from the dinner table.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

A/N: Okay, sorry for the late update! The next chapter/part is going to be different; I don’t think you guys have a clue about what is going to happen. Anyways, if I get enough requests, I will post another part tonight. Either way, there will be one up tomorrow. Hope you guys are enjoying it! Much love x



Sometimes We Need a Reminder

Yesterday, I gave a reading with Edan Lepucki at the University of Tampa. I wore a shirt with color even though I was self-conscious about it. I tried to carry myself well. My ankle throbbed but it was bearable. My mom came and it was a lovely reading. I signed books and met really enthusiastic writers and readers. I met Mary Beth, the wonderful, wise woman who copyedited Bad Feminist and really respected the tone I was going for in the collection. This morning, very early, I was awake and then I gave a workshop on writing difference that also went well.

I didn’t spend a great deal of time in Tampa but we stayed in a really cute neighborhood that reminds me of L.A. 

When I got home I tackled upgrading my parents’ Internet. At one point, a hammer and a knife were involved. My language became very colorful. A trip was made to an electronics emporium. I said the phrase “coaxial cable,” very earnestly. I said the phrase “network extender” very earnestly.

When I start something, I will do my damndest to follow through. As I began working on the Internet problem, new issues arose and what I thought was going to be a twenty minute project blossomed into something that took hours. I got crankier and crankier and was feeling really FRUSTRATED AND IRATE, REALLY but I refused to stop. It was a matter of principle. I only walk away when there is nothing at stake. This evening, it was my pride at stake. In truth, it is often my pride at stake. 

There is an open wound on the right side of my left ankle that is still healing. Each day it gets smaller, new skin appears. I marvel at how slowly but surely the body can heal itself.

I think of Lloyd Dobbler a lot. So much of my writing is a boom box held high in the air beneath a window.

I am showing my age. I am fine with this.

When someone takes your breath away, in the best possible way, you find that you can live with a little less air. 

A weekend away in a big city, a new agenda item, always with the agenda items. 

My dreams lately have been very vivid. In one, I am standing on one side of a room, divided in half by a wall of thick glass. I can see everything on the other side of that wall. I can press my palms against its cool surface. I try to shatter the glass to get to the other side but it resists, no matter what I do. 

After my workshop this morning, I drove back to my hotel and saw this mural. I pulled over and took a picture because it was what I needed to see at that exact moment. It was as if those bricks knew that sometimes, we need a reminder of what we find most difficult to believe. 


Imagine: Downhill part one

You sat on your bed, hands fidgeting with your phone as you tried so hard to listen to your friend talk about her day at work. You tried to seem happy as you listened away, but your friend’s worried glances made it clear that you weren’t doing a good job of hiding anything.

“So she told me that she could make a frappe like from star-”

The echoing vibrations once again interrupted y/f/n as she sighed, seeing the familiar caller ID.

“I’m so sorry, I’ll just turn it off,” your voice cracked as you tried not to cry. All you wanted to do was get away from this problem and from him.

“Maybe you should just pick it up, he’s obviously urgent to talk to you,” y/f/n suggested.

“No, it’s fine. I want to talk to you,” you said as you kept your eyes glued to the screen, waiting for his name to disappear.

“Listen honey, you know I love you. and as a friend, I want you to talk to him. You can’t hide from your problems. I’ll just wait for you downstairs,” y/f/n sympathetically said, patting your hand as she got off your bed and headed towards the door.

“No, please,” you begged as you watched her glance at you before closing the door. Y/f/n was the only distraction from Harry, and now you were left alone with the elephant in the room.

You held your breath, and watched your phone vibrate twice more before hitting answer.

You could hear rustling from the other end, as if Harry was rummaging through cupboards. But then the noise stopped almost immediately after you picked up.

“Y/n, love? Why haven’t you been picking up? We haven’t talked in days. Is everything alright? Are you okay?” Harry frantically asked, meaning he had no idea what was going on.

You let out the breath you held, unable to string together words.


“I saw them. The pictures. I saw the pictures,” you blurted out, your voice a lot calmer than you had expected.

“What pictures?” Harry bluntly asked.

“Of you. And those two girls, going back to your hotel at three in the morning.”

Harry sighed heavily, the noise piercing through your ears, “y/n you know I would never, they just came back to hang out. The guys were there too, I was the first one to go back to my hotel room. You can ask any of the guys,”

The world was spinning in your head. For the first time, you couldn’t feel anything. You didn’t feel confident in his answer, but you also didn’t feel like he would cheat on you.

“Babe, you believe me right?” Harry asked, cutting through the silence.

“I don’t know.”

This time Harry’s sigh came out more frustrated, which turned your sorrow into anger. He had no right to get angry at you when lately he’s been making the mistakes.

“Y/n I don’t want to go through this again. I love you, but you need to trust me,” Harry spoke, as if he was lecturing you.

“It’s not just about that!” You angrily spat through the phone.

“What is going on with you?” Harry sarcastically asked.

“I hate this! I hate that you make me seem like I’m just some silly girl, who’s acting crazy. I don’t care if you hang out with other girls, but not when you’re seen with them at three in the morning going back to your hotel after partying. How the fuck is anyone supposed to trust someone that does that?”


“No Harry. I’m tired of your excuses for treating me like this. You don’t see Louis or Zayn doing this. You get all worked up when I don’t call you in a few days, but what about you? Why are you in L.A even though you’re not working? I let you fly back there instead of home, after Sydney.”

“I’m just having fun. We’re so young, y/n.”

You sighed, defeat and hurt finally taking over you as the anger slipped away, “I’m just tired,” you cried, “it feels like I’m always here, waiting for you with open arms, and you’re the one calling the shots. I don’t want to be out on the side anymore.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

White noise, and silence filled the bedroom, as you wiped away your tears. The both of you were defeated.

“I can’t do this anymore, Harry.”

“Y/n please. I love you, we can get through this,” Harry’s voice cracked as he begged, “please.”

“You want to have fun. And I just, I just need some time.”

“I can come home now, and we can talk about this,” Harry frantically said.

“No, you’ll be back for the British Fashion Awards soon. We’ll talk then. I just really need some space,”

Again, it was silent for awhile proving that Harry didn’t like your decision.

But this time, it was you who called the shots.