in five syllables or less

You should write a book: How to Offend Women in Five Syllables or Less.
—  Azriel to Cass, at one point probably

The Swan Princess  {Sentence Starters}

  • “Whenever I have to do something in a hurry, I’ll always bring a turtle.”
  • “Is beauty all that matters to you?”
  • “What? You’re all I ever wanted. You’re beautiful!”
  • “When I’m king/queen, they’ll treat me with respect.”
  • “Vengeance is what I believe in.”
  • “Don’t let ____ die! Don’t you dare let ____ die!”
  • “If you want to stop me, you’ll have to kill me.”
  • “There goes my reputation.”
  • “I have no friends. Only servants. And they call me ‘your highness’.”
  • “Is that respect you’re showing?”
  • “Is that a threat? Oh, it is a threat.”
  • “I knew that we belonged together.”
  • “Will you love me, _____? Until the day I die?”
  • “Once you steal something, you spend your whole life fighting to keep it.”
  • “I’m gonna die! I know it!”
  • “Just make sure you’re here tomorrow night.”
  • “I’m going back to that old black magic.”
  • “I’ve made an everlasting vow to find a way to you.”
  • “You should write a book: How To Offend Women In Five Syllables or Less.”
  • “I think you really sorta like her, ‘fess up.”
  • “I’m gonna love you 'til the end of the time.”
How to Offend Women in Five Syllables or Less

Adam and Belle have been told for as long as they can remember that they would get married someday. Except, when they first met the hated each other. But when Belle returns Adam falls in love with the beautiful, bookish fiancee. Less than impressed by her intended, Belle decides that a life upon the high seas, chasing adventure as a pirate is far more appealing.

To say Adam fucked up is an understatement. 

BATB Piracy AU Chapter 1/? Here on A03 (x)

“Your Royal Highness, may I present the Princess Belle, daughter of King Maurice and the late Queen Nicole, may she rest in peace”

Belle’s eyes narrowed as Prince Adam mumbled over the customary words with the rest of the court. He too has lost his mother and she would have thought that maybe this fact would have elicited sympathy, perhaps a smile of fellow feeling. Instead he looks bored and mildly resentful. Although only eight years old, she had heard stories of the young Princeling who was a full two years older than herself from her lady in waiting Plumette. So far the older woman had been proven correct; he was just as conceited and apathetic as she’d said. However, she’d been taught better than to judge first appearances and her future husband was meant to be as great a book lover as Belle herself. So maybe they could be friends and work out how to be husband and wife together. They weren’t to get married until Belle was eighteen at least, and even then Papa had promised that if Belle did not fall in love with Adam, she wouldn’t have to marry him. But the whole reason they were doing this is that her Maman and the Prince’s, Queen Danielle had been close friends since girlhood and it had been their wish that their children would fall in love and join their kingdoms forever.

But given the way Adam was looking at her scathingly across the throne room and taking a step back every time Monsieur Cogsworth wasn’t looking, she was rather hoping she’d fall out of a tree or have an accident in Papa’s laboratory and be confined to bed rest for this summer instead.

Directly opposite Belle, Prince Adam stood, trying in vain to catch the eyes of Lumiere, his Maitre’D. Cogsworth wouldn’t help him, nor Mrs. Potts who was the whole reason he was in this mess in the first place. Since Father didn’t seem to notice much whether he was alive these days, she had been the one to insist that Mama’s plan be brought to fruition. His father had barely looked up before the agreement was out of his mouth (Adam wasn’t in the room, but he can well imagine the scene) deeming it perfectly acceptable parenting as well as good politics to get his son taken care of and a dynasty in the running before Adam’s even grown.

It was a good job Mrs Potts was his favourite, he thought darkly as he looked the Princess up and down. She was pretty, even he could see that and one of the things he had heard during the staff’s lecture about being gentlemanly, sitting up straight and the usual polite tripe he was expected to perform whilst entertaining was that she liked books. That he and the Princess would have such fun together. But it wasn’t like for the rest of the summers as long as they both shall live she was going to be someone he could wrestle, hunt or box with. None of the other Court ladies with their thick layers of powder and rouge did that. Of course some of them couldn’t even read so for someone as young as Belle, there was at least some degree of potential.

Instead of Lumiere’s eye or even Madame de Garderobe however, he catches Mrs. Potts eye. Merde. He knows what comes next but he hadn’t thought she’d been serious. Crossing the room and carefully avoiding the little brunette’s face, he reached for her wrist and as quickly as humanly possible brushed his lips against the back of her hand as he bowed to her.

Behind him, Adam heard a coo from the ladies and couldn’t help but shudder.

Unable to resist, the Prince chanced a glance at his betrothed, wondering if she would surprise them all and take a shot at him for it. Instead, to his growing horror, she looked rather pleased by the whole exchange.

“Pleased to meet you, Prince Adam”

Merde. Double Merde. Triple, quadruple merde.

“The pleasure is mine” he gets out from gritted teeth as quickly as he can, forgetting the honorific in his hurry to get out of there. He might catch hell for it later but Cogsworth’ll have to catch him first.

This was so not his idea of fun. Unless, he could convince the little Princess to want nothing to do with him…and then he could end this unsightly engagement business before it properly began….


“I didn’t mean for Prince Adam to fall down the stairs!” Belle insisted, oblivious to the dirty looks said Prince was shooting her behind her back as one of the servants carried him to his chambers. “We were sword-fighting is all” she explained to Mrs. Potts who nodded kindly and replied that once Adam was resting they’d all laugh about this over a nice cup of tea.

“Girls can’t sword-fight” he retorted, glaring down at Belle. She’d done this on purpose he’d bet his life all because he’d blocked her thrust like an expert.

“That’s not what Master Forel says”

“Who’s that?”

“My sword master. Papa hired him for me after I said I wanted to learn” Belle flashed a smile up at him, genuine and warm at the mention of her father. Although it was normally Mrs. Potts, Lumiere or Belle’s lady – Plumette – he thinks her name is, were the ones to chaperone their time together, he saw King Maurice at mealtimes. The neighbouring King doted on his little girl, always bending to kiss her cheek, or gather her up into his arms to carry her into dinner. Adam’s father on the other hand reserved his smiles for King Maurice and Belle, whose Kingdom had the best Navy and trade routes. Even the man’s respect was strategic.

“You liar”

Belle gasped, evidently horrified by the insult. Good, thought Adam proudly, glad to have won the argument. As he watched from Chapeau’s arms, Belle scrubbed hastily at her cheeks, trying desperately not to cry. Huffing tearfully, she tore her hand free from Mrs. Potts gentle grip, dipped a remarkably speedy curtsey to the staff and dashed back the way they had come calling for her father.


“Prince Adam!” Mrs. Potts cried horrified. “Young man, the minute you can walk you are to march yourself to the Princess’ apartments and apologise for that appalling display, do I make myself clear?”

When Adam argued back that Belle was the one punished for fibbing Mrs. Potts had thrown her hands up in the air and asked the Almighty to save royals from themselves, before asking how Adam knew she was lying?

Adam could only shrug, watching baffled as Lumiere had rolled his eyes skywards, Mrs. Potts turned on heel and sped after Belle and even retiring Chapeau poked him by way of reprimand.

What had gotten into all of them?


Mrs Potts, on the other hand, was thanking her lucky stars that Belle had found Plumette rather than Maurice. The last thing they needed was this marriage to break down before the royal intended were out of the nursery. The younger woman was kneeling in front of her little mistress, hugging her and whispering soothingly.

Mrs Potts thinks longingly of the child she and Jehan have been talking about having. But ever since dear Queen Danielle had passed, Beatrice’s thoughts of her own family had been put on hold. She couldn’t leave that sweet young lad to the mercy of his father. It was for this reason, as well as out of respect for the two dead Queens, that she had fought tooth and nail to have Belle come to the Castle. As that little interlude had exhibited, the Prince was already feeling the loss of his mother. They couldn’t fail him by letting his father twist him into someone just like him.

Rather, let him play and learn with someone who would give as good as they got, who would not bow and scrape to him due to something so small as the inferiority of their status. Sensing someone else approaching, Plumette looks up and seeing who it is, raises her eyebrow in a silent question. Nodding at Belle and shaking her head Mrs Potts mouths “Later” at the other woman. If she’d thought Adam was clever, Belle was dizzying, just the other day Mrs Potts had caught her in the nursery, fixing the Prince’s broken mechanical horse and buggy, a clever toy two children could comfortably sit in, that he’d accidentally driven into the wall weeks ago. She’d been about to inform the little girl of the issue, even chide her in case there was an accident with the cogs and gears when Belle had flicked the switch and the little horse had given a musical whinny and started trotting along.  Instead she puts on her cheeriest tone and explains the incident away, as the Prince being in shock from the fall and he’ll feel awful when he realises what he’s said in his pain.

Maybe, Mrs Potts thinks, just maybe if she wishes for it hard enough, it’ll be true.

Adam doesn’t apologise, doesn’t even realise one of his favourite toys is once again functional. The rest of June right through until September, the two children ignore each other as much as possible. Still, they are young, there is time yet to rescue the situation. Perhaps, the staff agree with each other over their evening tea fortified with a splash of brandy, next summer will be different.

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Exo Reacting to their S/O having a hard time falling asleep.

》 FAQ // Masterlist 

A/N: Thank you for the request! It was interesting to write, since I have the same problem. And when I finally manage to fall asleep, even the slightest noise wakes me up, so I’m constantly sleep deprived.

Xiumin - Sleepless nights with Minseok would be full of hugs and cuddles because he just wouldn’t want to let you out of his arms – you would get to be treated like royalty.  Firstly, he’d fix you a large mug of delicious hot chocolate with marshmallows. He would then wrap a fluffy blanket around both of you and cuddle with you on the couch while playing your favorite movie on TV. While the movie is still on, you’d find yourself falling asleep quite easily - just being in your boyfriend’s strong embrace is enough.

Luhan - This one is as dead as a doornail when asleep, so better start finding something else to occupy yourself. However, he’d probably wake up in the middle of the night to drink a glass of water and almost have a heart attack upon finding you sitting in the living room, playing one of his favorite video games with Mr. Cat curled up in a ball next to you. He’d sit next to you and ask what’s wrong and when you tell him, he’d take a moment to process your words since he’d be still very sleepy and then calmly take the other controller in his hands.

“Alright, baobei, prepare to lose.

Neither of you would actually end up greeting the morning - you’d be wrapped up tightly in each other’s arms, sound asleep.

Kris - Making Yifan keep you company during sleepless night probably wouldn’t be such a good idea. It would start fine, with him telling you funny stories from behind the scenes of  his movies. But that would somehow lead to him starting to ask really weird questions (“Why does the word ‘monosyllabic’ have five syllables?”, “If poison gets past its expiration date, is it more or less toxic?”). As if that mess wasn’t enough, it would be quickly followed by deep life lessons and no matter how many times you’ve told him you don’t want to listen to those things, he wouldn’t stop telling them.

“You know, baobei, I truly think that, if people were busy improving themselves, they wouldn’t have time to criticize others. Isn’t life so cruel?”

You’d end up forcing yourself into sleep so that you wouldn’t be able to listen to him.

Suho - This sweetheart is very considerate and wouldn’t mind staying up late with you if you couldn’t sleep, despite his exhaustion. When he asks you what you wanted to do instead, you’d bring him a book you had bought once, but never found time to read. In the end, you’d be resting your head onto his chest as he read the book out loud, making you giggle by changing his voice every time so it could suit different characters. By the time he finished the fifth chapter, he’d be so engrossed into the story and would fail to notice you had fallen asleep a long time ago.

Lay - There’s a high possibility that Yixing would be up late as well, a pen settled between his teeth as he moved his fingers smoothly over the piano keys. When you sit beside him on the bench, placing your head on his shoulder, and murmur that you have trouble falling asleep, he’d turn around and ask you if you wanted to help him with his song, to which you’d agree. After many hours of repeating the same tune and lots of new lyrics ideas, with take-out boxes scattered across the room, he’d be ecstatic about having the song done, especially with you helping him. Then he’d realize you had fallen asleep with your head still resting on his shoulder. He would smile and slowly move his head so that he could kiss your forehead without waking you up.

“Sleep well, baobei. And thank you.”

Baekhyun - He’d get up in the middle of the night to drink some water and let out a scream after seeing you curled up in front of your laptop, watching some show, but clearly not fully concentrated on it. He would ask you what you’re doing up in such an inappropriate time and you would explain, asking him afterwards to stay with you for a little bit and help you fall asleep. At first he’d whine and pout like a big baby he is, saying that he’s tired and needs rest, but after lots of persuading and possibly a kick from you, he’d unwillingly agree. Later on, he’d try everything – he’d crack jokes, act, do aegyo, sing every single song he manages to remember, but everything would be in vain, only managing to leave him extremely annoyed.

“What do you mean, it’s not working?! Forget everything! I’ll just lay here and cuddle this pillow.”

Chen - He’d crack a joke in attempt to keep your mind off exhaustion (“You can’t sleep because I refused to give you cuddles, right?”), but when you respond with a simple death glare in his direction, his grin would drop and he’d quickly motion you to come closer to him and lay on his chest. Of course, when it’s Jongdae, cuddles are pointless without singing! He’d learn all of your favorite foreign songs and sing them to you, making you laugh at his pronunciation errors. When you finally start dozing off, he wouldn’t be able to resist mocking you, even if it would bring him a few flicks in the forehead.

“Wow, jagiya, you really can’t seem to fall asleep without being in my embrace!”

Chanyeol - Chanyeol would also be up late composing, so when you approach him and say you can’t sleep, he’d decide to finally take a small break. He is a very romantic person, so expect something really cute, like building a blanket fort! He’d take his guitar and softly strum its strings, creating a beautiful melody to match his voice serenading you a song about eternal love. After he finishes singing, he’d confess that he wrote that song especially for you. To make it even cheesier, he’d move closer to you and place his arm around your shoulders and let you lean onto him while blushing crazily because of how close you would be. You’d both fall asleep right there – who cares about the back pain that would torture you in the morning? It would be worth it.

D.O - ‘Eomma mode’ on! Kyungsoo would always know exactly what to do to make you feel better, this situation being no exception. Without wasting any time and despite how late it would be, he’d put an apron on and cook you the most delicious meal ever. While you eat, he would sit opposite you and start asking you how your day went, what you did, learned, ate and saw; he’d show interest and carefully listen to you talk about everything. After the meal, he’d cuddle with you on the bed and hum gently in your ear. Listening to his sweet voice would be the cherry on top – you’d be out in no time.

Tao - Zitao would be such a sweet boyfriend. Without missing a beat, when you shake him awake at night and say you can’t sleep, he’d get up and start dressing, telling you to do the same. After you both got dressed, he’d take you on a drive around the city until the dawn breaks and then on top of a hill so you could both lie on the windshield and watch the rising sun. Before slowly dozing off, you’d snuggle into his chest and shyly admit you haven’t slept the whole night, but you didn’t want to wake him. He’d start humming some random song softly in your ear, smiling to himself at how cute and caring you were being.

Kai - “Jagiya, you can’t sleep again?” would be the first thing he’d say after showing up in your apartment late at night after a stressful practice and seeing you lying on the bed with Monggu’s head on your lap. Defeated, you’d nod at him. Since it would be his first time dealing with this, he wouldn’t exactly be sure what to do, but he’d surely give his best. You should probably prepare for the Pirates of the Caribbean movie marathon, chicken and cuddles included! It would be a great method of relaxation for both of you - what else could you possibly wish for?

Sehun - At first, he’d be so annoyed with you. Seriously, he needs his beauty sleep, shame on you for not letting almighty Oh Sehun rest well. But after lots of begging, whining and finally agreeing to buy him bubble tea as soon as possible, he would give in, sitting up and asking what you wanted to do. You two would end up playing with Vivi for hours before exhaustion takes the best of you and you’d drift into deep, dreamless sleep. On the other side, poor Sehun wouldn’t be able to function the whole following day, much to his hyungs’ dismay.

“Let’s repeat the choreography one more time! Sehun, can you- is he asleep?!”

~ Admin Taeyeon

At the risk of venturing into “it’s not that deep” territory, I think the reason ppl seem to be reacting like “phan is canceled” to dans video is bc he calls Phil his friend and reduces them to a “kawaii ship” which seems to undermine the depth and complexity of “shipping” them at all.. It’s grating for obvious reasons to hear their relationship (whether platonic or romantic) referred to in this way (by dan himself no less) when we celebrate and dedicate whole entire blogs to countless aspects of the special connection dan and Phil clearly share. but what ppl are not realizing is that this is actually p fucking genius of dan bc it’s a call out to all of us and a good reminder that ultimately our shipping and ~belief~ or whatever the fuck in the concept of phan will always be a flattened and simplified and idealized picture of whatever the real relationship is between Dan and Phil, and it’s pretty rad to hear dan acknowledge this truth in a way that in actuality doesn’t do a thing to clarify the nature of that relationship (bc they ARE friends, they’ve always referred to themselves as best friends, and that doesn’t preclude their being more)

Also … Rhyming is Hard. Imagine trying to explicitly address phan for the first time in nearly five years in like 10 syllables or less. He wasn’t ever gonna be able to call Phil his “constant companion business partner creative muse hair inspiration flatmate social security blanket senpai” in this context lmfao but we know he’s said all of these things to describe Phil in the past