in appletinis

The Best Perfume Insults

I love people’s writing about perfume, because it’s forced to be so creative.  Scent is hard to talk about, so people have to resort to stories and metaphors, all of them intensely personal to the writer.

And when they don’t like a perfume, that creativity gives forth some of the best insults.  I have here curated my favorites from Perfumes: The Guide by Luca Turin and Tania Sanchez.  The list is long, but trust me, they’re all worth reading.

A disclaimer: The same thing that makes perfume reviews fun to read also makes them super subjective.  I have never found less of a consensus on anything than on perfume.  In other words, if you find your favorite perfume on this list, please don’t take it personally (and don’t blame me- I haven’t smelled most of these myself!)

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You Look Like You Need a Drink (M)

Originally posted by hidden--demons

Summary: After a bad week with the worst luck imaginable, you happen upon a local dive bar run by an attractive young bartender who livens up your evening.

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Smut

Word Count: 7,221

Warning: Bartender!Yoongi, tattooed!Yoongi, sexual harassment, sexual themes, power play, manners kink, alcohol use, profanity

A/N: I wrote this last year for my dear friend’s birthday and swore this fic would never see the light of day. I have since “remastered” it, so to speak, so I’m sharing it here. SURPRISE!

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All Or Nothing - Smut

Originally posted by dylanmysunshine

Author: @dumbass-stilinski
Rating: NSFW 18+
Pairing: Stiles Stilinski/Reader
Words: 6,244
AN: College AU, all human. This was never meant to be published tbh but you can thank @writing-obrien​ for it getting done. Also shout out to @hardladyheart​ for her late night motivation and @sarcasticallystilinski​ for spitballing title ideas with me.

The song that’s sung is obviously not mine, it’s by State Champs. Listen HERE.



You transferred into Berkeley college in the beginning of your sophomore year. You hated starting a new school, but at least it was college and not high school. You’d been here a few weeks. You hadn’t made any friends yet, just your roommate, but you were more acquaintances. She was an art major and a little quirky, plus her boyfriend lived off campus so she wasn’t around much.

Being a music major had it perks. There were a lot of hot guys in the music department, but most of them were too involved with their own projects to notice you. You were pretty quiet, always lost in your own head. No one would have guessed that you weren’t the least bit shy. And you liked to keep it that way.

However, life had become boring. You finally had the hang of your classes and schedule but you needed to find something else to do with your time. Which is why you found yourself in the music building, standing in front of the bulletin board. Most of the notices were the same, people selling instruments or looking for them, people looking for practice space, advertisements for open mic nights. But one flier in particular caught your eye.

It wasn’t fancy at all, maybe a little creased and wrinkled from being in someone’s pocket. It was plain white, written on with black Sharpie.

GUITARIST WANTED

FOR COVER BAND

MUST LIKE/PLAY ROCK MUSIC, POP PUNK.

CALL SCOTT

310-422-1124

There was a crudely drawn Chewbacca next to it, holding what looked to be a guitar. You chewed your bottom lip in thought. You could do that. You fit the qualifications. You pulled out your phone, typing the number in and saving it to your contacts for later.

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malmo722  asked:

Okay, I have some prompts for you. You can do all of them or the one that speaks to you the most. - Betty needs Jughead to pretend to be her boyfriend when she runs into an ex. - Betty is set up on a shit date and ends up leaving with the waiter, Jughead. - Betty and Jughead are camp counsellors. - Jughead and Betty's first trip to IKEA as a couple. Sorry this was an oddly structured ask.

I decided to go with the first for now but I really like the other prompts and if inspiration strikes me I will definitely try some of them out :-)

Something felt off. Betty wasn’t completely sure what it was but it felt like something big was going to happen. All day she couldn’t shake the feeling, so when her best friend, Vera, called after a long day at the shop asking her to go to a party with some of her work friends Betty immediately said yes.

It had been one of the hottest days of the year so Betty slipped on a light blue sundress, hoping it would cool her down while also being appropriate for the party. She pulled her hair into one of her classically tight ponytails knowing that if she left it down her hair would be frizzy before she even got to the sidewalk. She wasn’t sure what the vibe of the party was going to be, opting for a natural look with her makeup, too. As she was waiting for Vera her mind started to wander.

Betty had to admit it was sort of an impulse decision to move to San Diego after college. She left everything and everyone behind; but she had never been happier. She had struggled with anxiety all her life, however after one month in the new city she found herself having less and less panic attacks. Now, three years later, she was successfully running her own flower shop – having even been featured in a Buzzfeed article – and she felt she was living her best life.

The ding from her phone was what dragged Betty out of her reverie. It was a text from Vera letting her know that she was downstairs. Betty did one quick twirl in front of the mirror before she grabbed her wallet and headed downstairs.

As Betty sat in the Uber she started to fidget with the hem of her dress, wondering if this had just been one huge mistake. Lately, Betty hadn’t been one for parties because parties usually meant humans of the opposite sex. It wasn’t that she hated men, but she had broken up with her serious boyfriend not too long ago and she just hadn’t felt ready to re-enter the dating pool again. It had ended amicably enough but Betty still felt a bit awkward about the whole thing. Vera sensed this and gave her a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

“Betty, it’s been four months and Brad is definitely not going to be there.”

“I know, just… what if?”

“Betty, look at me. You are a strong confident woman who isn’t going to let some asshat, whom you broke up with, control your life any further.” Betty was looking at her and knew she was right; she wouldn’t let Brad define her life. She was Betty Fucking Cooper. “Good. Now take these with me before we get to the party,” Vera handed her two mini bottles of Fireball. Tonight was going to be Betty Cooper’s night.

When they got to the party Betty was already feeling kind of buzzed. She didn’t drink that often and her tolerance was shot. She and Vera got separated almost immediately when her friend saw a guy named Nick that she worked with. Betty headed straight for the bar and ordered her favorite drink.

“Sex on The Beach, interesting choice.” Betty was suddenly caught off guard by a set of hauntingly blue eyes. She didn’t even have a second before he stuck his hand out. “Jughead.” She took his hand, giving him a peculiar look. “Trust me the real thing is worse,” he chuckled as he took another sip of his beer.

“I’m Betty. Beer is such a lame choice, there is an open bar you can have anything you want,” she said, eyeballing his Bud Light as he finished it off.

“That is a very astute observation, barkeep give me an appletini,” he said giving Betty a boyish grin.

The pair continued to try the most ridiculous drinks they could imagine for the next several hours.

“You know I don’t usually come to these parties but my friend Nick over there forced me, said something about it being my duty as a best friend,” Jughead said, slightly slurring his words.

Betty was about to respond when her whole body went rigid. She looked around the bar for Vera who was still flirting with Nick somewhere, not noticing what was happening. Betty was stunned beyond belief and thinking of an exit strategy as Brad, the person she least expected to see, walked through the door. He was making his way towards the bar, towards Betty and she knew she had to do something. She looked at Jughead who was slightly confused by her change in demeanor.

As Brad approached the two, Betty grabbed Jughead’s face and crashed her lips against his. This time it was Jughead’s turn to go rigid, but he adapted quickly and started kissing her back with an easy leisure. Betty was shocked by the electricity she felt from the kiss, forgetting that Brad had even arrived at the party. All she could think about was how right this felt with Jughead. Jughead licked her lower lip, seeking access that Betty quickly granted, his tongue slipping into her mouth and deepening the kiss. Their moment of passion was broken up by the sound of Brad clearing his throat. The two finally parted but leaned their foreheads on one another, neither of them opening their eyes just yet.

“Hi Betty, how are you?” Betty groaned as she gave Jughead a glance that he quickly interpreted as follow along and he nodded.

“I am great Brad, how are you?” she said with a hint of annoyance, but making sure she was polite, as always.

“Good. Work at the firm is good, overwhelming but good. Hey, aren’t you going to introduce me to…” Brad said gesturing toward Jughead.

“Oh, where have my manners gone! This is Jughead, my boyfriend. Jughead this is Brad.” Brad’s expression suddenly looked stunned as Jughead introduced himself.

After many painful minutes of conversation, Brad finally left the pair alone.

“Okay what the fuck was that?” Jughead asked with one eyebrow quirked in amusement, hands coming up to rest on her waist, thumbs stroking small circles there.

Betty was about to start explaining what had happened to Jughead when she saw Vera signalling to her from across the party that it was time to go.

“I promise I will explain this to you another time, I just have to go.”

As Betty went to leave, Jughead grabbed her arm and said, “Wait, Betty. Can I see you around?” with a desperate look plastered across his face.

“Well, we have many mutual friends so I am sure our paths will cross again,” she insisted with a coy look in her eye. “But here’s my number for good measure,” she murmured, voice almost a whispered as she jotted her name and number down. “Goodbye, for now, Jughead.”

She got on her tip toes and gave him a final, parting kiss on the cheek before walking away, looking back only to see him glued to his spot with a dumbfounded look on his face.

anonymous asked:

I'm newer to the fandom so maybe I just haven't seen it yet, but I haven't really thought of Harry as a big drinker? I thought that was mostly Louis and his friends.

LISTEN you are missing out, my friend. harry is the sloppiest drunk and it’s beautiful but it’s been suppressed lately because they’ve been pushing the louis! lads! clubbing! stuff for a couple months. but harry! gets! so! sloppy!!

(it’s my head canon that he’s an incredible lightweight but what do i know maybe he drinks like a fish)

here’s a roughly chronological (based on hairstyle) post of the sloppiest pop star of all time THIS IS SO LONG BYE

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SBUK3: Saturday - Lana Panel Part 1

(x)

  • she moves the chair to be closer to the audience. (x)
  • She seems so happy and pumped for this (x)
  • she feeling honored to inspire so many people. She wasn’t expect that when she started at #once (x)
  • The song that describes Regina the most is : Mother I’m alive. (x)
  • Regina wants to feel alive and prove to her mother she is her own person, that inspired me and had a huge impact on her story (x)
  • Episode 14 of season 6 is Lana’s favourite(x)
  • Two truths and a lie about Trina:
    • She really loved to swing
    • She wants a baby
    • She was secretly in love with Susan (x)
  • lana had a blast playing evil queen and regina at the same time (x)
  • she’d be happy for no one to ever have seen spiders (x)
  • make sure you’re really drunk to watch spiders (x)
  • If Lana could take back one piece of work she’s done so no one could see it she would choose Spiders (x)
  • The EQ was torn about letting Henry go. She had to move on for herself. She doesn’t feel it’s goodbye. “Keep watching.” (x)
  • Lana says the Evil Queen and Henry’s paths may cross again (x)
  • Lana just said this may not be the last time we will see the EQ. We have to keep watching (x)
  • Lana’s favorite EQ scene was the EQ and Regina in the Mayor’s office. (x)
  • She also liked the first scene in the pilot (x)
  • fav scene w Sean was the picnic because it was the moment they started to fall in love and it was important to have love and be loved (x)
  • She’d pick a love song as her personalised ringtone for Robin, then she laughed at Sean’s choice of Uptown Funk (x)
  • Regina probs has strange taste in music (x)
  • ‘i forgot how fun it was just to be a raging bitch’ - lana parrilla (x)
  • it was cathartic to play mayor mills and work that side out of you (x)
  • every day she tries to be a better version of herself (x)
  • told a fan with anxiety to try laughing when she begins to feel anxious (x)
  • she just got super excited cos someone asked about the old hag (x)
  • When Regina was the old hag they wanted to hire an older actor to play here but Lana said she wanted to do it (x)
  • prosthetics for the old hag took four and a half hours (x)
  • Lana believes she is lucky to play both a leading lady and still gets to do character work (x)
  • if Regina had a day off she would call Zelena and bring appletinis and then Netflix and chill (x)
  • Lana 'I just called Bex and said, I wanna come over and just watch Netflix…. and chill haha’ (x)
  • she’s not gonna even attempt a Scottish accent (x)
  • BETHS QUESTION! Trina would have her sights set on Zelena and Red if she came to town! She’s a bad girl (x)
  • Lana’s favorite show is GOT and she’d fangirl over Jon Snow if she ever met him. (x)
Arrested, Part 6

Currently sick for the second time this month. Yay for slowly destroying my body to the point where any virus gets to me. My parents hate me for being sick too. (No one cares, lol) Anyway yah, here’s some fanfiction. It’s inspired by @sleepyeule as always. Ok bye *cough, cough*

Thomas leaned back in his seat, pressing the appletini to his lips. He smiled at the man sitting in front of him. “For someone who doesn’t talk much you’re still very persistent.”

Thomas had only been working alongside Aaron Burr for a short while. Thomas, having no new friends, had invited him for drinks. This was apparently a mistake. Thomas silently scolded himself for not being able to see the warning signs sooner. Burr had seemed both quiet and pompous but that wouldn’t have bothered Thomas.

It seemed there was one thing Burr had been interested since the moment he’d started working at the same police station as Thomas. Alexander Hamilton. Burr was always interested in theories about Alexander and stories of what might have happened to him. It seemed to greatly upset him he’d yet to meet Alexander. Now it seems as if perhaps he’d just accepted Thomas’s offer so he could ask about Alexander.

Burr smiled a wide, fake smile. “I’m just curious about him. You really don’t know anything else?”

Thomas sighed. He hadn’t seen Alexander for at least a week and they hadn’t exactly left on good terms. Alexander had revealed he apparently had a pain kink and then stormed off before Thomas had a chance to reply. “I don’t know anymore than anyone else does. I’m the second newest officer.”

“Oh.” Burr said, disappointment sharp on his tongue. “The others said he had taken a liking to you and his patterns started changing around the time you arrived..” Burr took his phone out of his pocket and started checking something. Thomas sipped his drink in the only slightly awkward silence.

Outside of the bar, Alexander paced awkwardly. If Thomas was in there, it was fate and he would try to apologize. He didn’t expect anything but he just wanted to apologize to Thomas. Then he would never see him again. He could leave forever and Thomas wouldn’t he burdened by him.

Alexander made up his mind, stood tall and with his head held high he swung open the door. As he took a few steps into the bar he saw Thomas sitting with another man. Oh. Thomas was on a date. Alexander looked at the ground.

It looks like fate was speaking to him. It was telling him he didn’t need to apologize. He’d never burdened Thomas because Thomas never cared in the first place. That should be a relief. That should make him happy. But he, like any human, was selfish. He couldn’t lie to himself like he lied to everyone else. He couldn’t change the feeling that his heart was being crushed.

Alexander turned around quickly and with as much nonchalance as he could muster he turned back around and walked out. He wasn’t fast enough. Fuck. Thomas had noticed.

“I’m sorry I have to go for a second.” Thomas said, leaving his drink on the bar and dashing out before Burr could respond. Alexander felt a hand on his shoulder before he even got mere feet away from the bar.

“Alexander.” Thomas said quietly.

Alexander didn’t dare turn around, his eyes were on the brink of tears. “Im sorry for interrupting your date.”

Thomas laughed. “Are you… jealous?”

“No, I just wanted to apologize.”

“For what?”

“I see now it doesn’t make any sense.”

Thomas grabbed Alexander’s hand and started leading him back to the bar. Any protest Alexander had was quickly shut down.

“What are you doing?”

“Proving to you I’m not on a date.”

They both entered the bar to see Burr still sitting there, staring at his phone intently.

“Hello?” Burr said, looking up from his phone, confused to see both Thomas and a stranger.

“Hi, sorry for walking out all suddenly. This is my boyfriend.” Thomas said motioning towards Alexander.

Burr held out his hand to Alexander and in a steady tone said “Aaron Burr, nice to meet you.”

Alexander said nothing in reply but shook his hand awkwardly.

“Anyway he reminded me we had plans I forgot about. Sorry to leave so suddenly but it’s urgent. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Burr smiled another fake smile. He seemed a bit annoyed that Thomas was leaving so abruptly, more specifically before he’d asked more questions about Alexander. He never even got to ask what Alexander looked like, “Bye.”

Thomas once again held onto Alexander’s hand. Alexander had no protests this time as Thomas led him out. It seemed as Alexander was partially in shock. “Fine, you weren’t on a date with him. I didn’t care anyway.” Alexander said, staring at the ground.

Lucifer Headcanon

The reason why Lux has had an operating loss for the last 5 years (at $20 an appletini) is because Lucifer pays the staff well above minimum wage. He doesn’t want any of his staff to unnecessarily suffer so he gives all of them a decent living wage (and plus some). After all, he has the money to maintain Lux through his personal funds and is willing to take the loss of profits. Because we all know the Devil is a big softy 

Personal headcanon- because while the books at Lux are clean, they don’t explain why there is an operating loss over 5 years. 

Do I? - Jamie Benn (Part 2)

A/N: I was super nervous, but I really wanted to write a second part of this and I just kind of left it open for a third if you guys like it. I hope you enjoy it.

Word count: 1840

Warnings: mentions of fighting and alcohol. Mild swearing.

Part 1

Originally posted by tsegs91

I open my eyes and immediately shut them. The room is spinning around me and my head is pounding. Okay body, I get it, I didn’t need the last appletini… or the last three.

I sit down, my eyes still shut and I rub my temples, trying to get my headache to go away. I open my eyes and I’m blind for a second until they adjust to the light that comes in through the window. I’m sitting on the couch at Alyssa’s place; Emily and Brit are peacefully asleep next to me. I groan, my head is killing me, and I walk to the bathroom looking for some advil.

“Give me some of that, (y/n)” someone whispers behind me when I finally find the container in the bathroom cabinet.

“Here” I say, giving Al a couple pills “Cheers” and we both swallow the medicine.

“I’m never drinking again” Marta says from the bed and I smirk. It is always the same old tale: we go out, drink too much, extreme hangover, I’m never doing this again and repeat.

“Whatever you say, Mar” I answer and I give her a pill.

“Thanks, (y/n)”

I walk back to the living room, putting the medicine container on the coffee table and grabbing my phone from my bag on the floor. I have a text message.

Hey beautiful. I got you five tickets for tonight’s game. Good seats.

 

I smile, remembering what happened last night. Did I really meet Jamie fucking Benn? Ugh, someone pinch me.

Hey. Thanks, that’s so incredibly nice of you.

 

I don’t have to wait long before he texts back.

It is my pleasure. Good night?

 

I smile and type back an answer.

I’m never drinking again.

 

Immediate answer.

Like I have never heard that before. That bad, huh?

 

By this time I’m smiling like an idiot.

Going to a hockey game is probably the worst idea ever.

I tease him. A couple minutes go by and I’m worried I’ve screwed up. I was just joking. I rub my eyes when I hear the sound of a text message.

Don’t stand me up. Gotta go, but I’ll see you tonight. Your tickets will be at the box office, just tell them your name.

 

I send him back a goodbye and lock up my phone, my mind racing. I can’t believe that this is happening to me. I’ve had a crush on Jamie Benn since he started playing for the Dallas Stars, but I’m not the kind of girl that goes to the bars players go to and throw themselves at them like they are Gods. I am the kind of girl who thinks she is not pretty enough for them and it is happy with seeing them at hockey games. Wasn’t I wrong?

“Earth to (y/n)” Emily says and I snap back to reality “who were you texting with?”

I shrug and they know it isn’t my mom.

“Oh no…” they say and start chuckling “you are blushing”

“No, I’m not”

“Oh yes, you are” Brit says and I try hide my face with a cushion “You were texting a guy”

“And not just any guy… you were texting Jamie Benn” and all of them laugh while my face turns red.

“What are you two talking about?” Alyssa tries to grab my phone from my hand and I give her a dirty look.

“He was telling me about the five tickets for tonight’s game that he has left for me at the box office” I tell them and I can see their jaws drop “so I guess I have to find another four people to come with me…”

“We are going to the game tonight?” Marta asks, getting on her feet.

“Who says I am taking you?” I ask, raising my eyebrow.

“You are kidding… right?” Emily looks at me and I can’t keep a straight face.

“Yes, I am kidding. Who else would I want to take with me?”

“Bye girls, I need to go get ready” Marta walks out the door before we can even say goodbye.

“I thiiiiink I’m gonna go too” Brit follows her.

“Did I say Fashion Week instead of hockey game?” and Em, Al and I laugh.




When I get to the main entrance of the American Airlines Center everyone is already here. Everyone is looking good in victory green and I smile. I’m wearing my Jamie Benn jersey; it is the reason of why I am slightly late. I was debating on whether wear or not, I don’t want to look too desperate.

“Hi, I’m (y/n). Jamie Benn has left tick…”

“Yeah, here they are” the woman says, handing them to me. “Best seats in the arena. Enjoy!”

Best seats on the arena? Her words keep going around in my mind while we walk to the door and hand the man our tickets.

“First door in and all the way down. Enjoy” he indicates us and I smile politely.

We make our way to the seats and realize that the lady wasn’t kidding, first row seats right by the penalty box. A girl around our age is waiting for us there.

“Hi, you must be (y/n)” she says to me and I nod “Food and drinks are included with your tickets and Mr. Benn has asked me to tell you that you are expected in the locker room after the game”

“Uhh, thank you” I stumble with my words and she just gives me a nod and a smile and leaves.

“This is amazing” I hear one of my friends say, but I don’t really follow the conversation as the Stars make their way to the ice.

Jamie comes out last, but his eyes are quick to scan the area until they land on me. He smirks and I give him a shy smile. The Stars warm up and my friends are about to go crazy and jump the glass to get to ice.

“Girls, play it cool!” I whisper to them and they look at me for a second before sitting up straight and pretend they are not interested at all.

I shake my head, my eyes back to the ice when I see Jordie, Tyler and Jamie looking straight at us and my cheeks heat up like crazy.

“They are looking at us” Emily says.

“Play it cool, girls, play it cool” Brit mocks at me and I give them a dirty look.

The game starts and we are definitely not playing it cool, we are screaming and cheering and booing and chirping. We are on full hockey mode. The game is rough, lots of hits and checks that are uncalled until I hear a whistle and look back, a fight breaking on the ice. Of course, Antoine Roussel is involved in it, fighting a guy who has nothing to do against the player with more penalty minutes in the NHL. The refs are taking both of them to the sin bin when two pairs of gloves fly out and two players are going at it when the puck isn’t on play. Punches are flying and the fight is rough when I see the 14 on the green jersey. I’m pretty sure I go white, because my friends shake me a little to get my attention.

“Hey, (y/n). He is a big boy, he is gonna be fine” I can just nod.

They both fall down the ice and I can see the blood on the ice, I can’t even react as everyone gets on their feet and give Jamie an ovation while he skates right to the locker room after being punished with a 12 minutes for fighting and other penalties.

“Your boyfriend is a feisty little thing” Emily says and I roll my eyes.

The game is scoreless at the end of the first period and we sigh. Deciding to get some food and try to calm down. When the players come back to the ice I see Jamie skating right to the penalty box. He looks at me and I do the same for what it seems like forever until I shake my head, letting him know that I’m not ok with him fighting like that and he winks at me. After three minutes Jamie is allowed to go back to the ice and he skates out of the penalty box as fast as he can, stealing the puck from a defenseman and skating by himself to the net, where he shoots and scores. We don’t even have enough time to celebrate, because thirty seconds later he scores a second one.

“We want a hat trick, Jamie” my friends are screaming beside me and I can’t help it but to laugh.

Second period ends with a two scores lead and everyone cheers. Marta and Brit go get supplies for the last period and I try to relax on my seat when I get a text.

I hope you are enjoying the game

 

I smile, typing a quick answer since I know he won’t have much time to see it.

Idk, this crazy dude beat the shit outta someone

 

I can almost see him smiling typing down

I bet you liked it

 

Not really, I’m worried. He might be hurt.

 

I get no answer, but I hear the people cheering and I know the team is back on the ice. The third period starts and there isn’t much action until the very last minute when the Bennguin connection starts working and Tyler and Jamie pass the puck between them and going all the way to the net. Jamie has a clear chance to score, but he passes the puck to Tyler and he scores.

“He could’ve had a hat trick” the man behind me says in disbelief and I can’t stop but to be mad at him for giving that goal to Tyler.

The Stars win and we make our way to the locker rooms. We have no idea of where we are going and by the time we get there many players are outside talking with their families and friends on the hall. We stand there awkwardly, making small talk until I see Jamie walking off the locker room and walking towards me. I decide to meet him half way.

“I am fine” he tells me before I can say anything “bruised knuckles, you should’ve seen the other guy”

“You are an idiot” I say, looking at his knuckles and then at him.

“For fighting?”

“And for not getting that hat trick” I remind him and he smirks.

“Maybe next game” He says and I roll my eyes, “but I didn’t want to spend all my luck on the ice”

I look at him like he is crazy and gives me a little hit on my chin.

“I need the rest of my luck to ask you out” he whispers and I blush furiously. “Say yes?”

“You are definitely an idiot”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yes Jamie, it is a yes”

the pope rap

so my wife (who was raised catholic) likes it when I get drunk and talk about popes. this is because 1) I am a delightful drunk and 2) i know a confusing amount about the history of the catholic church (especially considering that I am Jewish) and so since I am very tired, which is a bit like being drunk, I will share with you some of my favorite popes. with apologies to all devout catholics in the audience, what are you doing here, turn away now, abandon all hope ye who enter:


Pope Nope: Otherwise known as Pope Celestine V. Pope Nope was the founder of the Celestine Order. Pope Nope lived as a hermit in quiet seclusion and modesty.  Pope Nope absolutely did not want to be Pope.  After sending an angry letter to the Church saying they should pick a Pope ASAP (they’d been hedging on it for like two years), the Church said, ‘This is it. This is the guy.’ Pope Nope promptly tried to flee the country.  The Church sent people to physically drag him to Rome. One of his first edicts was to declare that the Pope was allowed to abdicate.  Surprisingly, he abdicated five months later.

Pope Douchebag:  Pope Boniface VIII.  Came on after Pope Nope. Declared first Catholic Party Times (jubilee) in Rome in 1300 (in an attempt to revitalize Rome in general, and yanno raise money, an ongoing theme in this story). This should’ve made him kinda cool, except he pissed of the King of France and the poet Dante Alighieri, who he sort of let get kicked out of Florence. This resulted in Dante Alighieri writing one of the most beautifully elaborate revenge fics in Western literature.  Now, Nope Douchebag (as a modern Dante would surely have called him)  wasn’t dead when The Divine Comedy was published, but Dante made sure that in Inferno, the chapter related to hell and all the lovely punishments waiting there, to have a character point to a flaming hole in the ground and say “AND THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE GOING, POPE DOUCHEBAG. THIS HOLE. IT WAS MADE FOR YOU,” so there’s that.

Pope Evil: Pope Alexander VI aka the Borgia Pope aka that guy you get into a slapfight with in Assassin’s Creed 2.  Alleged crimes include extreme amounts of nepotism, murder, rape, bribery, etc, etc.  He probably wasn’t actually necessarily as evil as everyone always says (most of the incest and murder stories were told by his political enemies) but bribery and nepotism was sort of just what you DID when you were Pope back in the day. He probably did not look like Jeremy Irons. He did, however, paint really tacky images of his favorite mistress all over the papal bed chambers which led to…

Pope Badass I:  aka Pope Julius II deciding ‘screw this I am NOT sleeping in a former Borgia love nest’ and so he decided to commission the building of Saint Peter’s Basilica aka one of the the biggest loudest holiest of holy ‘oh father in heaven how will we even do this?’ pieces of catholic architecture in the world.  Pope Badass did not believe in doing things half way. Pope Badass wanted to be remembered. He commissioned an assortment of remarkable artists at the time.  Bramante, Raphael, Michelangelo, like, a ton of ninja turtles. In the mean time, he also did little things like decide to retake the Papal states, the territory around the city of Rome, which the Church had lost over the last few centuries. How did he decide to do this? By ordering all the cardinals to suit up, get their armor on, go on a road trip, they were going to war.  If a local government didn’t do what he wanted fast enough? He excommunicated the whole city.  Pope Badass didn’t do anything half way.  He originally commissioned Michelangelo to build his future funeral tomb, but forever annoyed the grumpy artist because he kept pulling him away to work on new little side projects

like

yanno

the Sistine Chapel.

Yeah.

Party Pope: Pope Leo X, Medici Pope – yeah, from those Medici. Party Pope was not about to let being a member of the Catholic Church stop him from living the high life of Florentine nobility. Party Pope believed in huge banquets for all his friends and selling lots of indulgences to pay off that big basilica Pope Badass decided to build. Party Pope held a big banquet in which gold plates were thrown in the river. Party Pope had an actual real live pet elephant with red shoes. Party Pope kept conveniently putting off the letters written by a fellow by the name of Martin Luther, who kept writing him to be “uh, hey Party Pope, maybe you are partying a bit too hard, maybe you should like, cut down on that a little….” Party Pope did not stop partying.

Look, we’re not saying the Protestant Reformation was kind of his fault.

But

The Protestant Reformation was kind of his fault.

Pope Buzzkill: Pope Adrian VI. German. Didn’t change his name upon accepting the papacy. Arrived in the massive Roman hangover left by Party Pope. Decided “okay, yes, Catholics, we are partying too hard, let’s do something about that” and proceeded to try and pass a number of very strict laws and measures to try and curb the partying ways of the Church at that time. He was deeply unpopular for this. Because COME ON, Pope Buzzkill, it’s the RENAISSANCE.

He was so unpopular that, after his death, the Catholic Church did not elect another non-Italian Pope for some 500 years. Pope John Paul II. Yeah. As in the guy who was Pope 20 years ago.

They really didn’t like Pope Buzzkill.


Pope Weenie: SO THEY ELECTED ANOTHER MEDICI TO THE PAPACY. YEAH! CLEMENT VII!  PARTY POPE II! THINGS WILL BE AWESOME NOW! WE CAN HAVE MISTRESSES AND BRIBE EVERYONE AND GIVE OUR NEPHEWS HIGH POLITICAL POSITIONS AND

wait

France and The Holy Roman Empire are at war right now?

wait, why is Charles V coming over the scenic Italian countryside with all those really angry men

Yes, ladies and gentleman, through a general inability to manage the conflicting pressures from France and and the Holy Roman Empire, Pope Weenie wound up preciding 1527 over the Sack of Rome, in which the Holy Roman Emperor parked his expansive army in that big half constructed basilica that Pope Badass had decided to start building way back when.

Oh, and Pope Weenie didn’t grant Henry VIII that anullment he wanted. We’re not saying that the formation of the Anglican church was his fault. But it was kinda his fault.

Pope Badass II: Common lore says Pope Badass II aka Sixtus V got his start as an illiterate swineheard born to a peasant family in the Papal States. He rose his way up through the ranks through guile, beautiful oratory skills, and a will of iron. Pope Badass II was aware that as Pope, he did not have long on this earth, and he would get shit DONE.  When he looked at that unfinished basilica that Pope Badass I had started, Party Pope had sold indulgences to fund, and Pope Weenie had let troops run through, he said “You know what this needs? A finished dome.” He asked his architect how long this would take.

“Five years,” said his architect, trying to be optimistic. It would really take more like ten years, given all the work that still needed to go into and–

“Great,” said Pope Badass II, “Do it in two.”

AND THEN IT HAPPENED.

Pope Badass II also is amazing for his response to the sinking of the Spanish Armada, in which Queen Elizabeth managed to blow up a ton of ships belonging to Spain, which was at that time only, you know, the most powerful catholic nation in Europe. Was Pope Badass II pissed at this defeat against protestant forces? Who knows, but HE ALSO SEEMED TO THINK THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST THING HE’D EVER HEARD AND PRETTY MUCH WENT AHAHAHA THIS WOMAN WHO OWNS HALF AN ISLAND JUST TOTALLY WIPED THE FLOOR WITH THE SPANISH THAT IS AMAZNG HE WOULD TOTALLY MARRY QUEEN ELIZABETH IF HE WEREN’T POPE.

“Imagine what progeny we would have!” <— pretty much the quote. yes, ladies and gentleman, this is the VICAR OF CHRIST declaring that he would totally do Queen Elizabeth I.

Sadly, Pope Badass I also did some things that were not so badass. He was responsible for a lot of the Catholic Church’s harsher stances on birth control and abortion, of which we still see many the effects of today, so perhaps this puts maybe a bit of a damper on the true badassery he could have otherwise attained.

But one cannot deny he had excellent taste in ladies.

And also he got them to finish that dang dome.


And that’s my Pope Rap. Please feel free to add to it if you are a giant nerd like me and have collected random trivia about medieval and renaissance artists and political figures.  Perhaps, now that I have written this, my wife will no longer have to hear me talk about this every time I have like, half an appletini.

Perhaps. Perhaps.

But probably not.

Overworked and stressed and broke and trying hard not to let my overall frustration and negativity and anxiety over trivial things and instability affect my relationship but it fucking does and it just stresses me out even more, how do I break the cycle.

Everything is so good on paper and I am where I wanted to be yet I feel so exhausted and anxious and depressed, what the fuck is my deal

‘Focus’ (2015) Sentence Starter Pack
  • “Will you be my boyfriend? Just for a minute.”
  • “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
  • “That depends, how many times does it take to get to ‘serial’?”
  • “The more you drink, the more you learn.”
  • “In that case, I am the foremost expert in Jägerbombs.”
  • “You know, it may be the roofies talking, but this was really fun.”
  • “If you had any idea what I was about to do to her… she was gonna be no good to you after that.”
  • “What kinda stuff we talking about?”
  • “Saudi bachelor party shit. R. Kelly drop cloth shit.”
  • “Die with the lie.”
  • “Then why’d you come up here if you’re so smart?”
  • “Professional curiosity. And I like boobs, figured it was a win-win.”
  • “He was so shithouse you could have taken his appendix.”
  • “You really should be more aware.”
  • “It’s a minor miracle I’m not a hooker right now.”
  • “Attention is like a spotlight and our job is to dance in the darkness.”
  • “Human behavior is very predictable.”
  • “You get their focus, you take whatever you want.”
  • “'Father’ is a very generous term.”
  • “Can we skip the part where I speak through thinly veiled allure and lead you to believe that there’s some Earth-shattering hump in the works?”
  • “There’s no Earth-shattering hump in the works?”
  • “No thinly veiled allure? No baby voice? No lingering eye contact? That’s all my favorite shit.”
  • “Does it feel sexy on your face?”
  • “No one looks at your hands when you got that working for you.”
  • “Congratulations, you’re a criminal!”
  • “And if you think for one second that I’m gonna let your mother talk to me like that, you’re fucking crazy! I’m a grown-ass man!”
  • “He uh, financed his own line of gravy.”
  • “You hittin’ that? You should hit that. I’d totally hit that.”
  • “Who was the cop with the wandering hands?”
  • “Who hits on a grieving widow?”
  • “I think we should start with oral. Just sayin’.”
  • “Stay juicy.”
  • “I’ve been in this for a really, really long time and I’ve never seen anything like you.”
  • “I was actually talking about the sex.”
  • “Oh please, there’s a thousand hoes, baby.”
  • “You’re just layin’ there. I’m like, come on, is this thing on?”
  • “There’s two kinds of people in this world. There’s hammers and there’s nails.”
  • “Is this a bad time to mention I don’t really like football.”
  • “I know my drunks.”
  • “I know my lechers too!”
  • “It’s just an expression, hard to explain. Rough translation: 'I’m fucked’.”
  • “She sounds like my wife.”
  • “It’s crazy, I know, but it will be his fault, not yours.”
  • “You have got some big fucking balls.”
  • “Kill me later.”
  • “I’m the blind mouse? You’re such an asshole!”
  • “Now, just what part of the plan calls for trays of Appletinis? Pledging a sorority?”
  • “A little small on top for my taste.”
  • “One man’s small is another man’s perfection. It’s like breasts are subjective, opinion topics.”
  • “Hey, you need to put some clothes on.”
  • “There’s Australian people here. Just sayin’, they shipped all those people down there for a reason.”
  • “You don’t know me, remember?”
  • “Stop touching my shit, _____”
  • “Whatever you want, I can keep you safe.”
  • “I’d really like to show you all the things I’ve learned. Like how I play men. Like how I just played you.”
  • “I think you’re losing it, that was pathetic.”
  • “'I’ll keep you safe?’ What was what? Does that work? Does that get you laid?”
  • “You must be really turned on with all these beautiful women here.”
  • “Oh dear God, please never make that face again. I don’t even want to know what that means.”
  • “Everybody knows you’re a lesbian, it’s completely fine.”
  • “There’s a lazy Sunday softness to your generation. Makes me uncomfortable.”
  • “Sarcasm. Another pillar of your generation. You wanna tell somebody to 'fuck off’? Tell 'em to 'fuck off’.”
  • “With friends like you who needs luck?”
  • “There’s a science to getting people to trust you.”
  • “What’s a 'race skank’?”
  • “She’s been driving me crazy. Hanging around, flirting, teasing. The minute I try to get her up to my room - a headache! A period, right? The world’s longest period!”
  • “That time of the month. It’s like a crime scene.”
  • “I have Scrabble in my room.”
  • “I was trying to steal his watch!”
  • “It’s what I’m good at and I like it!”
  • “You did all of this to make me jealous?”
  • “You can’t believe I lied? Oh, that’s so rich from you.”
  • “You’re always lying, ____! I don’t know when you’re telling the truth.”
  • “Here’s the thing about lying. Fucks up all your options.”
  • “He is not gonna die. Probably.”
  • “I cannot believe you made me shoot you.”
  • “I like you, honey, you can take a punch.”
  • “And then the girl walked in.”

boxers or briefs?

“So…” he said leaning in close to me. “Boxers or briefs?”

I almost laughed in his face…two reasons. For one - we were at a shitty basement dive bar. Hardly the gay cathedral that you might pick up a guy with that kind of question. Sure we were both gay and so were a couple of the other guys in the bar, but montana isn’t where I expect to hear that

Second, I was exacty the kinda guy you expect to see in a dive bar in montana. Late 40s, trucker hat, button down plaid shirt. Grey in my hair and lines on my face. What the fuck kind of underwear do u think a guy like me wears anyhow.

He didn’t belong here tho. This young stud was just blowing thru town. Here today. Gone tomorrow. Good for a beer, maybe a blow, but gone before you could even get your dick lubed.

I tilted my beer, looked him right in the eye, and said “Boxers”

He took a long pull from his beer.

“Wrong answer honey,” he said. And my whole world changed

Right in front of me Danny…that’s the bartender here… he just changed. He should be in his sixties, just polishing beer glasses for somethin to do, and suddenly he was twenty five again. But the kind of twenty five that Danny never was. Six feet tall, ripped with muscle, and I could tell cause he was shirtless now. Short black hair that joined up with a perfect chinstrap beard.

“Hey Danny! can we like get some shots over here!” yelled someone at the end of the bar. There was a cluster of three young bucks…had they been there a second ago? I looked close and realized it was Sam and Greg from down at the gas station, and Jesse who managed the bank. But young. And…well, I don’t think they were going home to wives anymore.

Sam was wearing a tank top that looked painted on. And Greg’s youthful biceps were straining at a pink t that had a picture of a rooster on it. I hadn’t ever seen anyone dressed like that…except in porn. Greg was even worse, standing there in nothing but a pair of leather pants with a leather cuff on his arm. I didn’t even dare to rent that kinda video

Danny hustled down and poured them something strong. These boys were out for a party tonight.

And the party was starting. The music had stopped coming from that old radio up on the shelf, and something with a heavy beat was pounding. I felt something wake up in my body…shit I wanted to dance to this crap.

The whole bar was starting to look different. Hadn’t it been mostly tables? When had they put in a disco ball and all those lights? And all these guys I knew…why were they twenty years younger and grinding against eachother. There was stu from church, making out passionate with Pastor Edward. Or was it Eddie, that slut?

I was all so confusing. I felt so disoreented. And in the mirror behind the bar…there I was

Maybe 19.

Wearing like this red tank top with white piping. And these tiny little shorts, like I used to wear in gym class back in the 80s.

My hair was like platinum blond. Like I’d done that on purpose…

Wait…of corse I did it on purpose. I look fierce with this dye job

It make me like the perfect twink…cuz lol I was. u gotta work hard to be this fabulus

I took a little sip of my appletini. Can’t drink too fast…I’m such a lightweight and I get even sluttier when I’m wasted. More than once i’ve ended up in bed with two or three guys who all want to use my tight ass

“So…” he said leaning in close to me. “Boxers or briefs?”

The guy was a total hottie. Like the exact kind of fresh blood I wanna meet when he wanders thru town. Who cares if he’s gone tomorrow…tonight my ass gets used

“What makes u think I’m wearing any?”

Must have been the right answer.

anonymous asked:

MC having to take care of Yoosung during hangover please ;w;

Author’s note: this child will be the death of me

Yoosung

  • first off 
  • thiS kid didn’t even touch the hard stuff
  • HE’S HUNGOVER ON APPLETINIS 
  • but that still doesn’t mean he won’t be grumpy the morning after
  • as soon as he wakes up he let’s out this little huff and you just know you’re gonna be in for the day
  • he tried to play LOLOL but the game was too loud and the screen was too bright anD UGHHH MC CAN YOU JUST MAKE ME SOME FOOD
  • after you make him some breakfast and like 3 cups of coffee, he settles down
  • he asks if you want to cuddle and when you say no he pouts
  • but hungover Yoosung is too cute so you give in
  • basically the rest of the day is spent in your bedroom cuddling and ordering takeout
  • the next day when he’s all better he gets you some flowers and thanks you bc he’s just a cinnamon roll who had a little too much to drink
death by chocolate (frozen jewel)


A little bit of Liam/Elsa Frozen Jewel for a Friday night (cough* @lenfaz *cough). No CS in this, it’s a pre-Season One cursed!AU, where Liam and Elsa have both been swept to Storybrooke in the Dark Curse and have no memory of their respective siblings. Elsa owns Any Given Sundae instead of Ingrid and Liam has a little bar down by the docks. 

Rated: T


A brown paper bag was plopped down on top of the bar in front of him and he gave a mock scowl.

“No outside food allowed.”

Elsa leaned forward on her elbows, the end of her long braid falling over her shoulder, “Ice cream’s not food, Liam Jones!”

“Oh,” he asked with a raised brow, still hiding his smile, “Then what is it then?”

Her big blue eyes peered up at him mischievously as she gave a theatrical sigh with one hand pressed to her heart, “Heaven.”

Liam dropped the stern act and grinned back at her, “Oh is it now?” he said, while he pulled out a bottle of lager and opened it, turning to grab a pint glass from the rack and filling it up with ice. He’d long since given up on trying to get Elsa to drink her beer at the proper temperature, for some unfathomable reason she had to have it chilled beyond recognition. It was a bloody crime against nature, but….

“Thanks.”

Her hand brushed his when he handed her the glass, a smile on her face and the little snowflake pendant that she always wore catching the light from where it lay nestled in her modest cleavage.

Who cared about the bloody ice, anyway?

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