import addicts

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He knows that a sea of people will always walk forwards, but he can choose to move with them or against them. Where do his self-interests lie? To learn to be fake or to learn to be real.

He holds this powerful understanding that pushes his carriage outward, pulls his shoulders back, lifts his head to greater heights. And he says,

Walk backwards.

Clean

a quick Spencer imagine blatantly inspired by this post by @today-spencer-reid. it’s not Tuesday but I couldn’t stop myself. (edit: apparently I don’t know how calendars work and have been off by a day for the past week?? it’s Tuesday.) didn’t even proofread it and I’m crying so it might be shit but whatever

Spencer has had a god awful day at work. The case they were working finally got wrapped up, but not without the pair of unsubs going for suicide by cop. He’s tired, he’s miserable, and he misses his bed. He wants nothing more than to lie down in it and hold you. So when Garcia calls the team into the conference room as soon as his hand touches the glass doors, his heart falls.

He promised himself he’d spend the day with you. It didn’t exactly work out that way, but he was at least hoping for an evening together. Unbeknownst to you and to the team, today was his nine year anniversary. Nine years clean from dilaudid. He had been telling himself that he wasn’t counting intentionally, that it was just his memory that naturally ticked off days on the calendar. But deep down, he knows it was fully intentional. He’s proud of himself, to be honest. He’d worked hard to get where he is, and he’s in a great place in his life. He’s got his team supporting him, and there’s never any doubt that your arms will be open when he returns home. He’s enjoying life.

Well, he usually is. Getting called right back to work after freedom being so close? Not so enjoyable. Emily trudges out of her office, starting to cover the distance to get to the conference room. In a split second, Reid makes a decision he hopes he won’t regret.

“Hey, Emily? I need to ask for a favor. I’ll explain later.”

-

“Y/N? Hello?” Spencer quietly calls out to the dark apartment you share, finding himself somehow disappointed you don’t seem to be up. He knows it’s late, and he isn’t exactly in the mood for conversation, so his heart sinking so low almost surprises him. But you usually wait up, and he really feels the need to look into your eyes. To tell you he loves you, to hear you say it back.

He drops his bag with a careful thud, prying his shoes off his tired feet. Without hesitation, he heads for the bedroom, already beginning to loosen his tie. Slowly pushing the door open as to not wake you, he stops short when he sees the empty bed. Panic fills his heart, and he bursts into the room, flinging himself into the attached bathroom to see if maybe you’re just brushing your teeth and hadn’t heard him. Another empty space, and a vice grip clenches his heart even tighter. 

Bounding out of the room, he begins to search the entire apartment, flipping on lights and throwing blankets that look as if they could be hiding you. Spencer swears he hears a creaking noise amidst his search that he knows he’s not responsible for and freezes. Nothing but the sound of his heart pounding. He knows he could be overreacting, but his job has taught him to see the worst. He grabs a hefty book to wield as a weapon, but it’s not until he hears a soft yawn that he realizes he won’t be needing it. 

“Spence?” your sleepy voice calls out, and the book falls from Spencer’s hands as he rushes to the source of the sound. Coming into the dimly lit kitchen with such relief and excitement, he almost misses the sight before him.

Almost.

You’re picking your head up off the counter, cheeks starting to flush as you wipe away a bit of drool. You’re sitting in a chair from the dining room you must’ve dragged in here, hair a frizzled mess and pajamas wrinkly. But as much as he loves to see you, especially in your waking up state, he must admit his eyes are drawn elsewhere.

A small cake sits in front of you on the counter, light purple icing unevenly coating it. The nearly illegible words on top read: “Nine years and counting” with a deformed heart at the end. Tears well up in Spencer’s eyes and his knees feel as if they might buckle. As if his heart wasn’t under enough strain already, it picks up an even faster rhythm.

“You remembered,” he breathes, not needing to say more. When he finally peels his eyes back to you, a bittersweet smile graces your face.

“Of course." 

Tears stream down his face, and he doesn’t bother to wipe them away as you pull out two forks. You bring the cake to him, handing him one of the forks and leaning over the cake to kiss his forehead.

"I know a cake isn’t really sufficient, but I wanted you to know that I’m proud of you. I’m so proud of you. And you should be proud of yourself. You worked hard for this,” you echo his thoughts from earlier, and he sniffles at the beauty of hearing the words out loud. There’s something entirely different about them when they’re in the air. Sure, actions speak louder than words. And yes, by the things you do on any given day, he can tell you’re proud of him. But to have words on your tongue, in his ears, it makes his chest heave with a sob. He knows something so simple as a cake shouldn’t turn him into this much of a mess, but the recognition of his efforts rings out as clear as a bell and it makes his heart sing.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Spencer.”

He still has down days. There are times when his hands itch for a needle. There are times when he slips into a dream and wishes to himself that he may never wake up. But those days aren’t every day, and there was a time when he never believed that was possible. Now, he can see so many possibilities. He’s getting up in the mornings. He’s thriving. He showers, he eats, he laughs, he cries, he saves lives, he holds you, he watches tv. Recovering from addiction makes him feel like his whole world is upside down, like nothing will ever be the same. And nothing is. But it’s so much better.

2

important psa from my twitter.

Identity in Addiction:

Thoughts after therapy regarding identity and addiction:

  • You can’t hurt me, because I hurt me first.
  • If you don’t like me, that’s okay because I don’t like me.
  • I don’t have to know what I want because all my choices are driven by my addiction.
  • I don’t have to be “successful” because I’m sick; my sickness becomes the reason I haven’t succeeded, whether or not I have actually tried.
  • I’m not really myself when I’m an addict, so when someone judges me, I’m not being judged on my true authentic self.
  • Not engaging in my addiction would mean being truly present in my life, which would involve addressing and feeling emotional pain.
  • I don’t have to know who I am because I’ve already been defined by my addiction; I can’t find ugly truths about myself if I don’t look.

Summary:

An addiction becomes what you do and who you are as a person. You don’t have to make decisions because you will always do whatever serves your addiction. You don’t have to decide what’s important you you – only your addiction is important. Staying in your addiction is the easy way out of developing your own life, which would involve pain and disappointment.

Real strength and courage are needed to abandon an addiction and seek out your own path. Letting go is difficult and scary because the addicted life is familiar and predictable and comfortable.

Finding your authentic self and presenting that self to other people will result in pain and disappointment but also true connection and happiness. An addicted life has no true connectivity or happiness.

Recovery from an addiction becomes so much more than just ceasing addictive behaviors and implementing healthy behaviors instead; recovery becomes a quest to answer the question, “Who am I? What I do want in my life? What do I think?” And then presenting those answers despite the possibility of being hurt or judged or failing.

When you can no longer define yourself by your past addiction, you have to find and accept who you really are as a person – a process that is often ongoing and continual through a person’s life in recovery.

anonymous asked:

Can you please compare the blind spots of the instinctual variants?

Excellent question. Depending on how these blind spots are stressed within the stacking and enneagram context, they may or may not play a very important role. I regard them the “life lesson” aka the field opposing a person´s comfort zone that they have to conquer to achieve something in a healthy way. Read between the lines - everything I list is an indirect strength and already present unconsciously.

Profiles of the Three Blind Spots

  • sx blind spot: Neglect of partnership needs, lack of depth in their everyday connections, feeling disjoined from the core of people and life in general despite possessing social grace, a falsely assumed feeling of eerie incompleteness. Romantic unease. A compelling vicious circle of unfaithfulness, a fickle and shy persona, non-assertive approach, not wanting to get to the root of things (–> avoidance of getting “real” or the extreme), love of routine and safety, hypocrisy, accepting the status quo blindly.
  • so blind spot: Neglect of social groups, detrimental withdrawing tendency or socially antagonistic streak, overemphasis on self or a partnership, lack or altruism, overindulgence, preference of a private setting, pessimism. Self-importance. Obsession/addiction, impoliteness, unrealistic views, misanthropy (!). Snarky, desperate lone wolf. (You and) me against the world. Hatred for social gatherings. Rejecting everyone but expecting help/ pitying oneself when all hell breaks loose. Clingy. Assuming everyone´s out there to get them. Isolating self-image from societal context. Too rebellious for their own good. 
  • sp blind spot: Neglect of personal needs, disregard of the important role that material goods play in today´s society, lack of thriftiness. Recklessness. Workaholism brings about downfall, biting off more than one can chew, dependency that compensates for lack of self-reliance. Not wanting to settle, constant unrest, a hidden insecurity. Ending up broke. Not being able to be alone. Rose-coloured glasses. Not trusting your skills. Unconsciously destroying oneself through affiliations, not coming to terms with oneself and trying to find what you lack within others (and failing because only you can complete yourself). Total exhaustion. Overestimating your resources.
In-Depth Character Study

ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Full Name:
Reason for name:
Nickname(s) and how they got them:
Date of Birth:
Age:
Gender:
Place of birth:
Places lived since:
Social Class:
Parents’ names, backgrounds, occupations:
Siblings:
Relationship with family (close? estranged?):
Children of his/her own?:
If so, relationship with child’s mother/father?:
Age he/she became a parent:

PHYSICAL

Height:
Weight:
Build:
Race:
Nationality:
Face Shape:
Distinguishing Facial Features:
Hair Color:
Usual Hair Style:
Eye Color:
Complexion (freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks, scars):
Disabilities (physical or mental, including mental illnesses):
Health (usually sick? or very resilient? allergies?):
What do they consider their best feature?:
Worst they’ve ever been injured (what, how did it happen)?:
Ticklish:

APPEARANCE

Style of dress/typical outfit(s):
Typical style of shoes:
How does he/she dress up?: Dress down?:
Favorite outfit:
Glasses? Contacts?:
Personal Hygiene:
Grooming (makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck eyebrows?):
What does your OC choose to do about the, er, hair down there?:
Jewelry? Tattoos? Piercings?:
What does their voice sound like?:
Style of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.):
Accent?:
Unique mannerisms/physical habits (bites nails, talks with hands, taps feet when restless):
Left handed or right?:
What does their writing look like?:
Do they work out/exercise?:

BELIEFS & INTELLECT

IQ:
Level of self esteem:
Known Languages:
Zodiac (sign and if they lend any credence to it):
Gifts/talents:
Shortcomings:
Most sensitive about/vulnerable to:
Happiest memory:
Life philosophy:
Religious stance:
Political stance:
Pet peeves:
Vices:
Bad habits:
Neuroses:
Disgusts:
Superstitious:
Sense of humor:
How do they deal with stress?
What do they do to get pumped up?
What do they do when upset?
What about angry?
How do they react to frustrations (get worked up, calm down and think through it logically, give up, etc)?:
How do they accept failure (both from themselves and others)?:
Level of comfort with technology:
Believe in the supernatural:
Believe in an afterlife:
Believe in happy endings:
How do they want to be remembered?:
Good with their hands (if so, practical/crafting or fine arts)?:
How fast do they learn new things? Better with book knowledge or hands on approach?:
How do they feel about asking for help?
“Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?:
Optimist or pessimist:
Extrovert or introvert:
Leader or follower:
Makes decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?:
Cautious or daring:
Spontaneous or planner:
Thinker or doer?
Organized or messy:
Worrier or carefree:
Artistic?:
Mathematical?:

SEX & INTIMACY

Current marital/relationship/sexual status:
Sexual orientation (is it something they question or a secret):
Past relationships and sexual partners (if applicable):
What is their “type” in regards to looks in a partner?
Ideal mate/qualities they look for in mate:
Primary reason for being broken up with:
Primary reasons for breaking up with people:
Views on sex (one night stands, promiscuity, etc):
Age and story of first kiss (if any—if not, how does he/she want it to happen?):
Age and story of loss of virginity (if any—if not, how does he/she want it to happen, if at all?):
Level of sexual experience:
Do they have any unfulfilled sexual fantasies?:
Wildest/strangest sexual experience? Would they do it again?
Do they have any fetishes or kinks?
Have they lied about their previous sexual partners to current/potential partners?
Love or Lust:
Ever been in love?:
Do they fall in love easily?:
Do they take relationships seriously?:
Worst thing they’ve done to someone they loved?
Do they desire marriage and/or children in their future?
Believe in true love or soul mates?
Thoughts on public displays of affection?:
How do they flirt:
How do they show affection/love to their partner?:
Thoughts on cheating/cheaters? Have they ever cheated?
Idea of perfect date:

RELATIONSHIPS

Social Habits (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly drops them):
How do they treat others (politely, rudely, keep at distance, etc)?:
Do they trust people easily or tend to be wary?:
How often do they see friends and family?
Are they good at keeping in touch? If not, does this bother loved ones?:
What is relationship with parents/family?:
Any roommates or close neighbors:
Person most dependent on:
Most comfortable around (person):
Oldest friend:
Closest friend:
Worst enemy:
Rival (at what and why):
Most important person in their life?:
Who do they most respect and why?:
Who would they turn to if they needed help and why?:
How does he/she think others perceive him/her?:
How do others actually perceive him/her?:
Argue or avoid conflict?:
Thoughts on large groups of people?:
Main quality they look for in people:
Have they ever lost anyone close to them? How did they handle it?
How do they show affection?:
Do they act differently around strangers than friends? If so, how differently?:
Would they ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not?:

VOCATION

Level of education:
Profession:
Describe their work space:
If no job, where do finances come from?
Past occupations:
Dream occupation:
Passions:
Attitude towards current job:
Attitude towards current coworkers, bosses, employees:
Salary:
Spender or Saver? Why?:
Which is more important – money or doing something they love?:

SECRETS

Phobias:
Life goals:
Dreams:
Greatest fears:
Most embarrassing thing ever to happen to him/her:
Something they’ve never told anyone:
Biggest regret:
Compulsions:
Obsessions:
Secret hobbies:
Secret skills:
Past sexual transgressions:
Police/Criminal/Legal record (Crimes committed? If so, were they caught? charged?):
What he/she most wants to change about his/her current life?:
What he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance?:

LIKES & DISLIKES

Hobbies:
Indoors or Outdoors?:
Favorite color:
Favorite smell:
Favorite and least favorite food:
Favorite and least favorite book:
Favorite and least favorite movie:
Favorite and least favorite song:
Favorite and least favorite holiday (and why):
Coffee or tea?:
Crunchy or smooth peanut butter?:
Do they watch TV? If so, what?:Favorite place to hang out:
Do they like music? What kind?:
Favorite type of weather:
Favorite form of entertainment:
How do they feel about traveling?:
What sort of gifts do they like?

MORALITY

Ever been in an argument (with who, about what, what happened):
Ever been in a physical altercation (with who, about what, what happened):
What trait do they find most admirable and why?:
Thoughts on violence:
One act most ashamed of:
Most proud of:
Evil – born or bred:
Is redemption possible (if so, are there limitations):
Does the end justify the means?:
Good of the one or the many?:
Can they be manipulative?:
Do they think it’s okay to cry (if not, why)?:
When did they last cry and why?:
Would they be able to kill (if so, under what circumstances)?:
Who or what would they die for (or go to extremes for)?:
Anything they refuse to do under any circumstances (and why)?:
Biases/prejudices?:
What, if anything, shocks or offends them?:
What is their reputation?
Cusser?:
How do they react to unwanted sexual advances?:
How would they react to stranger being bullied/abused?: What about an animal?:
How susceptible are they to peer pressure?:
How do they react to conflict, both verbally and physically?:
Easily forgive or hold grudges?:
Forgive self or live with regret/guilt?:
Would they ever cheat someone? Under what circumstances?
Have they ever been betrayed? By who? How did it affect them/their relationship?:
Would they ever betray a friend/loved one? If so, under what circumstances?
Do they respect the belief of others, even if it’s at odds with their own?:
Stand up for own beliefs or hide/avoid discussing them with people who have opposing views?:

DRUGS & ALCOHOL

Thoughts on drugs and alcohol:
Do they smoke? If so, do they want to quit?:
Age of first cigarette:
Age when they first got drunk (what happened, consequences):
Do they drink on regular basis:
What type of alcohol do they prefer:
Have they ever tried other drugs (which, what happened, consequences):
Do they have any addictions?:

DETAILS

Most important/defining event in life to date:
Daily routine:
Sleeping habits (Night owl or early bird? Light or heavy sleeper? Fall asleep anywhere or need specific conditions?):
Typical Saturday night:
Most used word or phrase?:
What is home like (messy, neat, sparse):
Type of car he/she drives (or wishes he/she drove):
Pets?: If not, do they want any?:
Most prized possession:
One word to best describe them:
What are you likely to find in their pockets? Purse/bag/backpack/wallet?:
What about their fridge? Medicine cabinet? Glove compartment? Nightstand?:
What makes them laugh?:
Any special holiday traditions?:
Can they hold their breath for a long time?:
Do they know how to swim?
Can they cook (if so, how well and do they enjoy it)?:
Is there anything they always carry with them? If so, why?:
Ideal vacation:
If they wanted to hide something, where would they hide it?:
Do they keep a journal?:
Are there any places that hold special meaning to them?:

SITUATIONAL

24 hours to live – name 3 things they would do:
If they could choose, how would they want to die:
What would they do if they received large sum of money?:
What would they wish for if they found a genie?:
If they could have one super power, what would it be and why?:
How do they deal with insects?:
How would they react to death of loved one?
If they were outnumbered in a fight, would they stand ground or run away?:
Granted opportunity to change one thing in their past – would they do it? If so what would they change?:
If they could rescue one thing from a burning building, what would it be?:
Would they be comfortable sharing a bed with a person they didn’t know well?:

CHILDHOOD & ADOLESCENCE

First memory:
Favorite toy (when did they stop playing with it, do they still have it currently):
Favorite game:
Best friend as child:
Fondest childhood memory:
Worst childhood memory:
Childhood trauma:
How were they disciplined? Did that change as they got older?:
What did they want to be when they grew up?:
Any non-family adults stick out in their mind? (Who were they, how did he/she know them? Why do they stick out)?:
Age of first date:
View of authority? What affected that view?
What clique in high school were they associated with?
High school goals:
Did they enjoy high school:
Any extracurricular activities:
How well did they do in school?:

SUPERNATURAL (IF APPLICABLE)

How did they become supernatural:
Thoughts on being supernatural:
Did they want this or was it against their will?:
If person made them that way, how does he/she feel about them?:
Supernatural mentor (who, how did it come about):
Thoughts on other supernatural beings (do they exist, which ones, thoughts on them):
Would they get rid of their supernatural powers if they could?:
Are they trying to live a normal life among mundanes or keep their distance?:
What do they like most about being supernatural?:
What do they like least about being supernatural?:
What adaptations have they had to make but hated, and why?:

you need to support addicts if you want to help mentally ill people

you need to support addicts if you want to help mentally ill people

Addiction does not just come from people who are doing stuff for lols, it usually comes from people in abusive situations, poor areas, or in stressful institutions like school. Addiction comes from trying to escape from something stress-inducing and developing a dependence on it because you don’t have a support system. Addiction comes from when your delusions are too much and you can’t call anyone up about it. Addiction comes from the want to fill the emptiness you can’t stop feeling. Addiction comes from the fact no one talks to you or likes you because you act out in “weird” ways compared to your peers.

it is a side effect of mental illness. In fact, sometimes it can be directly caused by it. People with disorders relating to impulse control problems, such as ADHD or BPD, are especially prone to being addicts and becoming addicted to something.

like. as a former sex addict, I can tell you, I would not have done what I did had I had someone to talk to and vent to. I would not have to suffer several ruined relationships (which made my mental illness worse) because of it. I would not still be feeling the effects of it today, in everything I see, because of it.

So here’s the lowdown: if you don’t like addicts, if you think they’re unworthy of treatment, care, and support, you are ableist and you do not support mentally ill people. You cannot claim to be an ally to anyone if you hate people with addictions and think they are terrible people for what they can’t control.

Chronic Illness Thing #49

This one goes to my addicted spoonies. 

That feel when there’s so much you need to do, and no one understands that you literally can’t do it, so you turn to abusing drugs or alcohol because if you’re high or stoned you literally don’t care about your limitations because you can’t feel them and you can do everything you need to do. 

That feel that comes with feeling guilty for using your crutches to be productive, and all the anger that comes along with the fact that if people would accept your disabilities you wouldn’t be suffering with addiction in the first place. 

That added feeling of continuing your addiction, and maybe doing your best to hide it, because you no longer know how to function without it. 

Addiction doesn’t make you less ill, and it doesn’t make you less worthy of respect and help. 

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30 DAYS OF KBRITCHIE » day 20 | favorite foreign language quote

     “What would I be without you?” I blink and a single tear drips down my face. We both know the answer to this—we both recognize what she’s doing for me. Remind me. Burn me. Love me.
     I kiss her forehead, my chest alight with passion and pain.
     “Ensemble,” she whispers in French. Together.
     “Ensemble,” I murmur.
     Together.