a quick Spencer imagine blatantly inspired by this post by @today-spencer-reid. it’s not Tuesday but I couldn’t stop myself. (edit: apparently I don’t know how calendars work and have been off by a day for the past week?? it’s Tuesday.) didn’t even proofread it and I’m crying so it might be shit but whatever
Spencer has had a god awful day at work. The case they were working finally got wrapped up, but not without the pair of unsubs going for suicide by cop. He’s tired, he’s miserable, and he misses his bed. He wants nothing more than to lie down in it and hold you. So when Garcia calls the team into the conference room as soon as his hand touches the glass doors, his heart falls.
He promised himself he’d spend the day with you. It didn’t exactly work out that way, but he was at least hoping for an evening together. Unbeknownst to you and to the team, today was his nine year anniversary. Nine years clean from dilaudid. He had been telling himself that he wasn’t counting intentionally, that it was just his memory that naturally ticked off days on the calendar. But deep down, he knows it was fully intentional. He’s proud of himself, to be honest. He’d worked hard to get where he is, and he’s in a great place in his life. He’s got his team supporting him, and there’s never any doubt that your arms will be open when he returns home. He’s enjoying life.
Well, he usually is. Getting called right back to work after freedom being so close? Not so enjoyable. Emily trudges out of her office, starting to cover the distance to get to the conference room. In a split second, Reid makes a decision he hopes he won’t regret.
“Hey, Emily? I need to ask for a favor. I’ll explain later.”
“Y/N? Hello?” Spencer quietly calls out to the dark apartment you share, finding himself somehow disappointed you don’t seem to be up. He knows it’s late, and he isn’t exactly in the mood for conversation, so his heart sinking so low almost surprises him. But you usually wait up, and he really feels the need to look into your eyes. To tell you he loves you, to hear you say it back.
He drops his bag with a careful thud, prying his shoes off his tired feet. Without hesitation, he heads for the bedroom, already beginning to loosen his tie. Slowly pushing the door open as to not wake you, he stops short when he sees the empty bed. Panic fills his heart, and he bursts into the room, flinging himself into the attached bathroom to see if maybe you’re just brushing your teeth and hadn’t heard him. Another empty space, and a vice grip clenches his heart even tighter.
Bounding out of the room, he begins to search the entire apartment, flipping on lights and throwing blankets that look as if they could be hiding you. Spencer swears he hears a creaking noise amidst his search that he knows he’s not responsible for and freezes. Nothing but the sound of his heart pounding. He knows he could be overreacting, but his job has taught him to see the worst. He grabs a hefty book to wield as a weapon, but it’s not until he hears a soft yawn that he realizes he won’t be needing it.
“Spence?” your sleepy voice calls out, and the book falls from Spencer’s hands as he rushes to the source of the sound. Coming into the dimly lit kitchen with such relief and excitement, he almost misses the sight before him.
You’re picking your head up off the counter, cheeks starting to flush as you wipe away a bit of drool. You’re sitting in a chair from the dining room you must’ve dragged in here, hair a frizzled mess and pajamas wrinkly. But as much as he loves to see you, especially in your waking up state, he must admit his eyes are drawn elsewhere.
A small cake sits in front of you on the counter, light purple icing unevenly coating it. The nearly illegible words on top read: “Nine years and counting” with a deformed heart at the end. Tears well up in Spencer’s eyes and his knees feel as if they might buckle. As if his heart wasn’t under enough strain already, it picks up an even faster rhythm.
“You remembered,” he breathes, not needing to say more. When he finally peels his eyes back to you, a bittersweet smile graces your face.
Tears stream down his face, and he doesn’t bother to wipe them away as you pull out two forks. You bring the cake to him, handing him one of the forks and leaning over the cake to kiss his forehead.
"I know a cake isn’t really sufficient, but I wanted you to know that I’m proud of you. I’m so proud of you. And you should be proud of yourself. You worked hard for this,” you echo his thoughts from earlier, and he sniffles at the beauty of hearing the words out loud. There’s something entirely different about them when they’re in the air. Sure, actions speak louder than words. And yes, by the things you do on any given day, he can tell you’re proud of him. But to have words on your tongue, in his ears, it makes his chest heave with a sob. He knows something so simple as a cake shouldn’t turn him into this much of a mess, but the recognition of his efforts rings out as clear as a bell and it makes his heart sing.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Spencer.”
He still has down days. There are times when his hands itch for a needle. There are times when he slips into a dream and wishes to himself that he may never wake up. But those days aren’t every day, and there was a time when he never believed that was possible. Now, he can see so many possibilities. He’s getting up in the mornings. He’s thriving. He showers, he eats, he laughs, he cries, he saves lives, he holds you, he watches tv. Recovering from addiction makes him feel like his whole world is upside down, like nothing will ever be the same.
And nothing is. But it’s so much better.
Thoughts after therapy regarding identity and addiction:
You can’t hurt me, because I hurt me first.
If you don’t like me, that’s okay because I don’t like me.
I don’t have to know what I want because all my choices are driven by my addiction.
I don’t have to be “successful” because I’m sick; my sickness becomes the reason I haven’t succeeded, whether or not I have actually tried.
I’m not really myself when I’m an addict, so when someone judges me, I’m not being judged on my true authentic self.
Not engaging in my addiction would mean being truly present in my life, which would involve addressing and feeling emotional pain.
I don’t have to know who I am because I’ve already been defined by my addiction; I can’t find ugly truths about myself if I don’t look.
An addiction becomes what you do and who you are as a person. You don’t have to make decisions because you will always do whatever serves your addiction. You don’t have to decide what’s important you you – only your addiction is important. Staying in your addiction is the easy way out of developing your own life, which would involve pain and disappointment.
Real strength and courage are needed to abandon an addiction and seek out your own path. Letting go is difficult and scary because the addicted life is familiar and predictable and comfortable.
Finding your authentic self and presenting that self to other people will result in pain and disappointment but also true connection and happiness. An addicted life has no true connectivity or happiness.
Recovery from an addiction becomes so much more than just ceasing addictive behaviors and implementing healthy behaviors instead; recovery becomes a quest to answer the question, “Who am I? What I do want in my life? What do I think?” And then presenting those answers despite the possibility of being hurt or judged or failing.
When you can no longer define yourself by your past addiction, you have to find and accept who you really are as a person – a process that is often ongoing and continual through a person’s life in recovery.
Can you please compare the blind spots of the instinctual variants?
Excellent question. Depending on how these blind spots are stressed within the stacking and enneagram context, they may or may not play a very important role. I regard them the “life lesson” aka the field opposing a person´s comfort zone that they have to conquer to achieve something in a healthy way. Read between the lines - everything I list is an indirect strength and already present unconsciously.
Profiles of the Three Blind Spots
sx blind spot: Neglect of partnership needs, lack of depth in their everyday connections, feeling disjoined from the core of people and life in general despite possessing social grace, a falsely assumed feeling of eerie incompleteness. Romantic unease. A compelling vicious circle of unfaithfulness, a fickle and shy persona, non-assertive approach, not wanting to get to the root of things (–> avoidance of getting “real” or the extreme), love of routine and safety, hypocrisy, accepting the status quo blindly.
so blind spot: Neglect of social groups, detrimental withdrawing tendency or socially antagonistic streak, overemphasis on self or a partnership, lack or altruism, overindulgence, preference of a private setting, pessimism. Self-importance. Obsession/addiction, impoliteness, unrealistic views, misanthropy (!). Snarky, desperate lone wolf. (You and) me against the world. Hatred for social gatherings. Rejecting everyone but expecting help/ pitying oneself when all hell breaks loose. Clingy. Assuming everyone´s out there to get them. Isolating self-image from societal context. Too rebellious for their own good.
sp blind spot: Neglect of personal needs, disregard of the important role that material goods play in today´s society, lack of thriftiness. Recklessness. Workaholism brings about downfall, biting off more than one can chew, dependency that compensates for lack of self-reliance. Not wanting to settle, constant unrest, a hidden insecurity. Ending up broke. Not being able to be alone. Rose-coloured glasses. Not trusting your skills. Unconsciously destroying oneself through affiliations, not coming to terms with oneself and trying to find what you lack within others (and failing because only you can complete yourself). Total exhaustion. Overestimating your resources.
Full Name: Reason
for name: Nickname(s)
and how they got them: Date
of Birth: Age: Gender: Place
of birth: Places
lived since: Social
names, backgrounds, occupations: Siblings: Relationship
with family (close? estranged?): Children
of his/her own?: If so,
relationship with child’s mother/father?: Age
he/she became a parent:
Height: Weight: Build: Race: Nationality: Face
Facial Features: Hair
Hair Style: Eye
(freckles, acne, skin tone, birth marks, scars): Disabilities
(physical or mental, including mental illnesses): Health
(usually sick? or very resilient? allergies?): What
do they consider their best feature?: Worst
they’ve ever been injured (what, how did it happen)?: Ticklish:
of dress/typical outfit(s): Typical
style of shoes: How
does he/she dress up?: Dress down?: Favorite
(makeup? shower daily? wear only clean clothes? pluck eyebrows?): What
does your OC choose to do about the, er, hair down there?: Jewelry?
Tattoos? Piercings?: What does their voice sound like?: Style
of speech (loud, mumbler, articulate, etc.): Accent?: Unique
mannerisms/physical habits (bites nails, talks with hands, taps feet when
restless): Left handed or right?: What does their writing look like?: Do they work out/exercise?:
of self esteem: Known
(sign and if they lend any credence to it): Gifts/talents: Shortcomings: Most
sensitive about/vulnerable to: Happiest
peeves: Vices: Bad
habits: Neuroses: Disgusts: Superstitious: Sense of humor: How do
they deal with stress? What
do they do to get pumped up? What do
they do when upset? What
about angry? How do
they react to frustrations (get worked up, calm down and think through it
logically, give up, etc)?: How do
they accept failure (both from themselves and others)?: Level
of comfort with technology: Believe
in the supernatural: Believe
in an afterlife: Believe
in happy endings: How do
they want to be remembered?: Good
with their hands (if so, practical/crafting or fine arts)?: How
fast do they learn new things? Better with book knowledge or hands on approach?: How do
they feel about asking for help? “Left brain” or “right brain” thinker?: Optimist
or pessimist: Extrovert
or introvert: Leader or follower: Makes
decisions based mostly on emotions, or on logic?: Cautious
or daring: Spontaneous
or planner: Thinker
or doer? Organized
or messy: Worrier
or carefree: Artistic?: Mathematical?:
marital/relationship/sexual status: Sexual
orientation (is it something they question or a secret): Past
relationships and sexual partners (if applicable): What
is their “type” in regards to looks in a partner? Ideal
mate/qualities they look for in mate: Primary
reason for being broken up with: Primary
reasons for breaking up with people: Views
on sex (one night stands, promiscuity, etc): Age and story
of first kiss (if any—if not, how does he/she want it to happen?): Age and story
of loss of virginity (if any—if not, how does he/she want it to happen, if at
of sexual experience: Do
they have any unfulfilled sexual fantasies?: Wildest/strangest
sexual experience? Would they do it again? Do
they have any fetishes or kinks? Have
they lied about their previous sexual partners to current/potential partners? Love
or Lust: Ever
been in love?: Do
they fall in love easily?: Do
they take relationships seriously?: Worst
thing they’ve done to someone they loved? Do
they desire marriage and/or children in their future? Believe
in true love or soul mates? Thoughts
on public displays of affection?: How do
they flirt: How do
they show affection/love to their partner?: Thoughts
on cheating/cheaters? Have they ever cheated? Idea
of perfect date:
Habits (popular, loner, some close friends, makes friends and then quickly
drops them): How do
they treat others (politely, rudely, keep at distance, etc)?: Do
they trust people easily or tend to be wary?: How
often do they see friends and family? Are
they good at keeping in touch? If not, does this bother loved ones?: What
is relationship with parents/family?: Any roommates
or close neighbors: Person
most dependent on: Most
comfortable around (person): Oldest
enemy: Rival (at what and why): Most
important person in their life?: Who do
they most respect and why?: Who
would they turn to if they needed help and why?: How
does he/she think others perceive him/her?: How do
others actually perceive him/her?: Argue
or avoid conflict?: Thoughts
on large groups of people?: Main
quality they look for in people: Have
they ever lost anyone close to them? How did they handle it? How do
they show affection?: Do
they act differently around strangers than friends? If so, how differently?: Would
they ever consider adopting a child? Why or why not?:
of education: Profession: Describe their work space: If no
job, where do finances come from? Past
occupation: Passions: Attitude
towards current job: Attitude
towards current coworkers, bosses, employees: Salary: Spender
or Saver? Why?: Which
is more important – money or doing something they love?:
goals: Dreams: Greatest
embarrassing thing ever to happen to him/her: Something
they’ve never told anyone: Biggest
regret: Compulsions: Obsessions: Secret
sexual transgressions: Police/Criminal/Legal record (Crimes committed? If so,
were they caught? charged?): What
he/she most wants to change about his/her current life?: What
he/she most wants to change about his/her physical appearance?:
or Outdoors?: Favorite
and least favorite food: Favorite
and least favorite book: Favorite
and least favorite movie: Favorite
and least favorite song: Favorite
and least favorite holiday (and why): Coffee
or tea?: Crunchy
or smooth peanut butter?: Do
they watch TV? If so, what?:Favorite
place to hang out: Do
they like music? What kind?: Favorite
type of weather: Favorite
form of entertainment: How do
they feel about traveling?: What
sort of gifts do they like?
been in an argument (with who, about what, what happened): Ever
been in a physical altercation (with who, about what, what happened): What
trait do they find most admirable and why?: Thoughts
on violence: One
act most ashamed of: Most
proud of: Evil –
born or bred: Is
redemption possible (if so, are there limitations): Does
the end justify the means?: Good
of the one or the many?: Can
they be manipulative?: Do
they think it’s okay to cry (if not, why)?: When
did they last cry and why?: Would
they be able to kill (if so, under what circumstances)?: Who or
what would they die for (or go to extremes for)?: Anything
they refuse to do under any circumstances (and why)?: Biases/prejudices?: What,
if anything, shocks or offends them?: What
is their reputation? Cusser?: How do
they react to unwanted sexual advances?: How
would they react to stranger being bullied/abused?: What about an animal?: How susceptible
are they to peer pressure?: How do
they react to conflict, both verbally and physically?: Easily
forgive or hold grudges?: Forgive
self or live with regret/guilt?: Would
they ever cheat someone? Under what circumstances? Have they
ever been betrayed? By who? How did it affect them/their relationship?: Would
they ever betray a friend/loved one? If so, under what circumstances? Do
they respect the belief of others, even if it’s at odds with their own?: Stand up for own beliefs or hide/avoid discussing them with people who have opposing views?:
on drugs and alcohol: Do
they smoke? If so, do they want to quit?: Age of
first cigarette: Age
when they first got drunk (what happened, consequences): Do
they drink on regular basis: What
type of alcohol do they prefer: Have
they ever tried other drugs (which, what happened, consequences): Do they have any addictions?:
important/defining event in life to date: Daily
habits (Night owl or early bird? Light or heavy sleeper? Fall asleep anywhere
or need specific conditions?): Typical
Saturday night: Most used word or phrase?: What
is home like (messy, neat, sparse): Type
of car he/she drives (or wishes he/she drove): Pets?:
If not, do they want any?: Most
prized possession: One
word to best describe them: What
are you likely to find in their pockets? Purse/bag/backpack/wallet?: What about their fridge? Medicine cabinet? Glove compartment? Nightstand?: What
makes them laugh?: Any
special holiday traditions?: Can they hold their breath for a long time?: Do they know how to swim? Can they cook (if so, how well and do they enjoy it)?: Is there anything they always carry with them? If so, why?: Ideal vacation: If they wanted to hide something, where would they hide it?: Do they keep a journal?: Are there any places that hold special meaning to them?:
hours to live – name 3 things they would do: If
they could choose, how would they want to die: What would
they do if they received large sum of money?: What
would they wish for if they found a genie?: If
they could have one super power, what would it be and why?: How do
they deal with insects?: How
would they react to death of loved one? If
they were outnumbered in a fight, would they stand ground or run away?: Granted
opportunity to change one thing in their past – would they do it? If so what
would they change?: If
they could rescue one thing from a burning building, what would it be?: Would
they be comfortable sharing a bed with a person they didn’t know well?:
toy (when did they stop playing with it, do they still have it currently): Favorite
friend as child: Fondest
childhood memory: Worst
childhood memory: Childhood
were they disciplined? Did that change as they got older?: What
did they want to be when they grew up?: Any
non-family adults stick out in their mind? (Who were they, how did he/she know
them? Why do they stick out)?: Age of
first date: View
of authority? What affected that view? What
clique in high school were they associated with? High
school goals: Did
they enjoy high school: Any
extracurricular activities: How
well did they do in school?:
did they become supernatural: Thoughts
on being supernatural: Did
they want this or was it against their will?: If person made them that way, how does he/she feel about them?: Supernatural
mentor (who, how did it come about): Thoughts
on other supernatural beings (do they exist, which ones, thoughts on them): Would
they get rid of their supernatural powers if they could?: Are
they trying to live a normal life among mundanes or keep their distance?: What
do they like most about being supernatural?: What
do they like least about being supernatural?: What
adaptations have they had to make but hated, and why?:
you need to support addicts if you want to help mentally ill people
you need to support addicts if you want to help mentally ill people
Addiction does not just come from people who are doing stuff for lols, it usually comes from people in abusive situations, poor areas, or in stressful institutions like school. Addiction comes from trying to escape from something stress-inducing and developing a dependence on it because you don’t have a support system. Addiction comes from when your delusions are too much and you can’t call anyone up about it. Addiction comes from the want to fill the emptiness you can’t stop feeling. Addiction comes from the fact no one talks to you or likes you because you act out in “weird” ways compared to your peers.
it is a side effect of mental illness. In fact, sometimes it can be directly caused by it. People with disorders relating to impulse control problems, such as ADHD or BPD, are especially prone to being addicts and becoming addicted to something.
like. as a former sex addict, I can tell you, I would not have done what I did had I had someone to talk to and vent to. I would not have to suffer several ruined relationships (which made my mental illness worse) because of it. I would not still be feeling the effects of it today, in everything I see, because of it.
So here’s the lowdown: if you don’t like addicts, if you think they’re unworthy of treatment, care, and support, you are ableist and you do not support mentally ill people. You cannot claim to be an ally to anyone if you hate people with addictions and think they are terrible people for what they can’t control.
That feel when there’s so much you need to do, and no one understands that you literally can’t do it, so you turn to abusing drugs or alcohol because if you’re high or stoned you literally don’t care about your limitations because you can’t feel them and you can do everything you need to do.
That feel that comes with feeling guilty for using your crutches to be productive, and all the anger that comes along with the fact that if people would accept your disabilities you wouldn’t be suffering with addiction in the first place.
That added feeling of continuing your addiction, and maybe doing your best to hide it, because you no longer know how to function without it.
Addiction doesn’t make you less ill, and it doesn’t make you less worthy of respect and help.
“What would I be without you?” I blink and a single tear drips down my face. We both know the answer to this—we both recognize what she’s doing for me. Remind me. Burn me. Love me. I kiss her forehead, my chest alight with passion and pain. “Ensemble,” she whispers in French. Together. “Ensemble,” I murmur. Together.