i know this is like highkey unlikely and probably punched through with plot holes but for an extra angsty twist on Gansey being described as made of his friend's memories and all that debatable j a z z, it's possible that with Cabeswater's contribution, he is made fully whole as he's assumed to be in the books. but given his Gansey upon Richard upon Dick upon Known masks, it's safe to assume that his friend's assumptions and opinions on him would be varied and Never Quite RightTM (p1) >.<
So does Gansey now have different instincts and feelings at war with each other? Like, maybe even the simplest of things like responding one way to a joke when he means to respond another way, because he wasn’t paying attention and Ronan’s memories of him are at war with his own, and there’s two sentences locked and loaded in his mouth but only Ronan’s gets fired? Big things, too, like maybe he’s honestly ready to unload his emotions for once in his tiny, eventful life, and someone’s (p2) >.<
assumption that he would keep everything bottled up, or that he’s stronger than the rest of them, any basic kind of thought or understanding they had about his mental fortitude, is tying is tongue in knots and he’s getting so frustrated on the couch with Henry because he actually w a n t s to share in secrets and work through things he feels are slowing him down, but not even Henry can truly k n o w him now because he’s n o t him anymore, him is just a part of many he’s and it’s mortifying (p3)
Maybe, he thinks it’s just a frazzling side effect of death at first, and the lives he’s lived and the uncertainty he feels now that he’s back for Good? This time? With who he’s going to become and what he will take from the friends he admires??? But full days after his death, he’s still tripping over himself in four, five different directions, and oh no, everything makes as much sense as this can make, tell me again how you brought me back) (p4) >.<
But given time and concentration, the urges and contradictions quieten if he manages them, and it’s just like having multiplied voices of fight and flight, which he tries to liken to his experiences with anxiety. Ever the optimist, Gansey attempts to further understand his friends using their innermost views of him, and it’s not all terrible. Despite it feeling for the first forever long like a constant, skin-crawling invasion of privacy, it helps sometimes to look in the mirror and hear (p5)
Henry’s own voice tell him he looks distractingly like a dreamboat, and Blue’s aggravation at his beloved shoes. In some ways it makes him feel less intrinsically lonely, and some things they did get right about him. Blue always understood his emotions on the phone, and Ronan was the only one who had truly s e e n On Fire Gansey and felt that energy radiating off him, like there’s definitely things that he feels as Right in his heart and smile-cries his way through the night over (p6) >.<
Though it’s hard, and he feels absurdly guilty because this isn’t just their voices in him, it’s him owning their voices and consent is a really tricky thing, though they all Literally Could Not Care Okay Gansey You’re Alive That’s All That Matters End Of Story, he tells them all about his difficulties as best he can describe it, and they know to back off and give him time if he stops suddenly, reflecting on his words or an action with that furrow between his eyebrows (p7) >.<
What’s more is they know to distract other people from his sudden faux-pas! No one is used to Gansey’s humour he shares at midnight with Ronan being something that may just slip out in social situations before Richard Campbell Gansey III can step in, but they play it off like masters, and he’s so g r a t e f u l ok im really emotional right now (p8) >.<
and the gist is that sometimes Gansey needs to be reminded of who he is truly, and who he can grow into but he has really good friends and he’s trying and i love him and i just needed some angst on this good night, thank you for being a beautiful blog on which i can unload the gratuitous gansey centric and njfknaskjfn i hope you’re having a lovely day! ~ It’s inappropriate due to context, but I swear my IRL nickname is Bee (p9/9) >.<
Boi, you know Gansey-centric angst is my jam
There’s a LOT here, and there is so much potential for post-trk exploration whoo boy. B/C yes!! I feel that it is very unlikely that Gansey is “back to normal” after his second death and subsequent Cabeswater-related revival. Gansey has so many different masks, different faces and version of himself, that each of his friends most definitely do not have the same Mental Idea of him.
Like, just imagine Gansey sitting with everyone at Nino’s, packed tightly into their usual booth now that Henry has joined and Blue is on her work break. Gansey’s squished in the middle of Blue and Henry, facing Adam and Ronan and the multiple greasy pizzas laid out in front of them, and Adam makes an offhand comment about, idk, some Cabeswater-y theories, so Gansey goes to rub his thumb along his bottom lip in deep thought, as per usual.
However, an inch from his lip his hand pauses, and his eyebrows furrow in confusion. The talking dies down as the group eyes Gansey warily, although Gansey doesn’t react to their curious gazes just yet. He’s too busy deciding if he should retreat inwards to think and theorize or instead jump at the opportunity to talk with excitement, eyes wide and hands gesturing frantically about magic and ley lines.
He knows he’s done both before; he knows those are both reasonable, Gansey-like reactions, but… he can’t pick. It’s like he’s lost the ability to react instinctively. Or, more likely, he’s lost the ability to act on instinct because there are three or four instinctual moves he feels obliged to follow. Outwardly, he ends up frozen with a dead gaze for a solid fifteen seconds, unmoving and eerily silent, and then as if rebooting, his gaze clears and he launches into a long-winded lecture on ley line fractures. Nobody brings up his little moment, but nobody forgets it either.
(whoop, there’s a quick lil snippet/ficlet? idk it’s short. BUT!! Feel free to send me HCs about this cause it is INTERESTING!!! I want to explore it further!! Also here’s big hug; I’m glad you enjoy my angsty, Gansey-obsessed blog :’D )