im-a-drip

Me before and after watching Supernatural
  • Before:Hmm, that angel guy and dean winchesomething seem like a really popular ship. I wonder if I will ever ship it...
  • After:I FUCKING KNEW IT

i. your hair caught flame and you chose not to put it out. instead
you bit your tongue while you blazed to keep from screaming and even though you were left with marks, it made you stronger. you had to set yourself on fire to become immune to the burn.

ii. still. sometimes you wake up and you taste like ash and sometimes the blood in your mouth tastes like gasoline. you’re flammable. you’re destructive.

iii. your hair is the color of fire and blood and ruin and it is a never ending reminder of what you’ve done. you want to highlight your
life and click “DELETE”, “CUT”, “ERASE”, but it isn’t that simple.
you live your life and lie because it’s easy. you sleep at night and
nightmare because it’s inevitable. living in a screen would
be much kinder.

iv. you wear black because the stains aren’t as evident and because people can mistake you for death and when you smile and kiss them and say, “you’re right”, that is the only truth you will ever tell.

v. you use a gun because it isn’t personal. you use a blade
because it’s sharp. you use electricity because it keeps you
awake. you use your teeth— well. you use your teeth because
sometimes you don’t have any other choice.

vi. you can pass polygraphs. you can keep a straight face and tell someone you love them. lying, to you, is second nature. so why is it that finding out that the words that have left your lips aren’t even yours, aren’t even the right ones, surprises you so much? could it be that you’re tangled too deep in your own web?

vii. try wiping out that much red. it’s a flood and all you can do is drown.

—  itsy bitsy spider. 07/28/14
Warnings: Ableism. Anger. I cuss a lot. And am sarcastic. Also some personal story. Ableism from people who should know better. (Though, everyone should know better.)

Responding to responses on the: 
"But don’t let your illness stop you! It’s an ILLNESS it makes me ILL that’s what it DOES." 
post from people who are commenting that they have ____ and _____ illness and didn’t let it stop them so everyone should stop whining-

Un-eloquent response: I will fucking hunt down and murder educate each and every one of you on why you need to shut the fuck up right now. 

More put together response: 

  • EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT ILLNESSES AND THINGS THAT AFFECT THEM DIFFERENTLY. 
  • EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT ILLNESSES AND THINGS THAT AFFECT THEM DIFFERENTLY. 
  • EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT ILLNESSES AND THINGS THAT AFFECT THEM DIFFERENTLY. 
  • !!!!!EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT ILLNESSES AND THINGS THAT AFFECT THEM DIFFERENTLY!!!!!!


Yes some mental illnesses do have cures. Yes some physical illnesses do have cures. No one is saying to stop your life forever if you have a chance of a cure out there, keep going for it. In the meantime, I’m pretty sure the definition of an illness is still something that makes you ill. If you can’t push through that year of school because you need to focus on your health goddamn it, that is perfectly acceptable you are allowed to do things like take care of your own body and mind by not doing things that hurt it. 

That being said LOTS OF US DO NOT HAVE CURABLE ILLNESSES. I’m sorry I’m “letting my illness stop me” because after my Ehlers Danlos got so bad trying to do a year of school that I ended up setting off coexisting conditions such as Chiari Malformation and Craniocervical Instability (which, mind you, left untreated, are both life threatening. (OH GOD illnesses other than cancer are life threatening!? :0)) I decided to stop making myself worse and take an undetermined amount of time out of my education to have the surgeries for that and, you know, not die. Then, I will probably be switching to a more doable major for my body because I think that is, kind of, my decision.
I was a music major in piccolo performance, and I will tell you that you do not get a piccolo or flute job in a professional orchestra without practicing a ridiculous amount, 4-6 hours a day of productive, mindful, structured practice- minimum. So by “not letting my illness stop me” and continuing with that, which I couldn’t do, (not it was hard, I practiced at least that much all through high school until I got sick. Then when I got sick, I mean that I COULD NOT PHYSICALLY DO THAT, anymore than you can not physically jump to the moon. But if you can physically jump to the moon and I am somehow wrong and there really is not a limit to what a person can do if they wish, please inform me because I would like to have the option of jumping to the moon and not having to be on this planet anymore, if I ever so choose.) My joints would probably have been gone in 5 years or trying to do that and I would not be able to play at all, let alone finish school and make a living in a professional setting.
Aside from that, Ehlers Danlos is a degenerative illness. Degenerative, for those of you who do not know, means that it is constantly getting worse and doing irreparable damage to the body. So by “not letting it stop me” if I were to, say, against medical advice to not do any impact sports or activities including running or say, football, I would not be **fighting my illness bravely** no I would be literally, and I mean literally in the dictionary sense of: “actually; without exaggeration or inaccuracy" be tearing the connective tissue in my joints apart so that they no longer hold my body together at all. 
You can say “look x, y, z runners have conditions and make their bodies worse” all you want, but though I’m sure in your eyes all disabled people are the same, EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT ILLNESSES AND THINGS THAT AFFECT THEM DIFFERENTLY,and maybe some of us just do not WANT to do permanent  irreversible damage to our bodies when there is a way to slow the progression of the illness down and I think that’s, you know, OUR decision.
If I don’t want to fuck up my body any more than it has to be fucked up, so that I don’t end up in a wheelchair prematurely or be unable to move or need more surgeries than I otherwise would, then I think I should be allowed to fucking do that and not be yelled at for not exercising enough or for not having the job you want me to have. Thank you very much. 

Here’s another lesson. SOMETIMES EVEN PEOPLE WITH THE SAME ILLNESS HAVE TOTALLY DIFFERENT LEVELS OF FUNCTIONALITY :0 OMG
There are people who have depression and move through it, and there are people who have depression and can’t. Not don’t, can’t.There are people who have the (all-famously-known) cancer and manage to continue working through treatment, and there are people who try to get up every day and end up in the hospital with horrible side effects and god knows what else cancer treatments cause. 
That does not mean that the people who can’t "Push through!*!" are weaker in any way. It means that their body functions in an unlucky way entirely out of their control, because as far as I know, we have not yet mastered the ability to consciously control our own biology. If we have, let me know immediately, please. It should probably be mentioned here that, no, determination and hope and moral fiber do not control the way our bodies biology works. I am sorry to break that news to you, but I can not make my joints fall apart slower by being happy, depressed people can not fix their faulty brain chemistry(yes, faulty brain chemistry, not a decision to be sad.) by being happy, and if you’re going to have a side effect to a medication or a treatment you sure as hell can’t prevent it by being happy. Or taking opiates for pain control, which often make you happy as a result of how they affect the brain, wouldn’t produce side effects, which would be nice, so let me know if I’ve somehow missed that scientific discovery as well because they give me terrible side effects.)

Summary: 
Basically, I don’t care who else manages something someone else doesn’t, I don’t care what you manage that someone else doesn’t,  if you think you’re an expert over someone else on how they should run their own illnesses and lives you're being an asshole need to rethink things a bit. 

anonymous asked:

Will you be having sex today?

im sitting on a towel cos im dripping cum and my bf has just gone back to work