Im asexual and rn I feel like it's ruining my relationship. I try so much to want to have sex and to be into it and it just doesn't happen. I just feel nothing. I don't know what to do.
I’m so sorry this is stressful for you and it’s causing you problems. But you can’t force yourself to feel sexual desire, or to be a sexual person, if you don’t and you aren’t.
It’s time for a conversation with your partner, an honest one. Sexual compatibility is a huge and often-downplayed factor in a successful relationship. Sex-negative culture tells us that it shouldn’t matter, right? It shouldn’t be that important, it’s JUST SEX, right? Well, it does matter and sex can’t make a relationship but it sure can break one. And I don’t mean the presence of sex - being compatible and comfortable with your partner is a key component. If that means both of you being ace, that is just as valid.
If your partner wants different things from your sex life than you do, then that’s a conversation that needs to happen. If you are otherwise committed and don’t want to end your relationship, it may be possible for your partner to find sexual release elsewhere, with your permission and within a set of agreements that you hammer out together. And it’s a fine and healthy thing for people to sometimes do things for their partners’ pleasure that they don’t personally find arousing, but to deny your entire sexual identity and *always* be forcing yourself into a sexual role that you don’t want or feel isn’t right, either.
So either your partner accepts your asexuality as the price of admission to be with you, or they don’t. There could be a middle-ground, but you should not be constantly feeling badly because your sexuality doesn’t jive with theirs.
There are lots of resources for asexual people online about how to talk to partners, how to work through your thoughts about these things. asexuality.org has a forum where you can talk to other people who are or have been in your situation. Best of luck, nonnie - and remember, you and your orientation are valid, and deserve acknowledgement and consideration. You are not a blank slate upon which others have the right to impose the sexuality they want you to have.