im so shitty

this is the first time in like two weeks im using my laptop again and it feels sooo strange….. im so used to the shitty tumblr app that i have to get used to the actual website again

Like it’s really cold and you can’t feel your fingertips and your entire body goes numb
Like you drink Ginger Tea to make you can feel again
Like how really worn in clothes feel soft and faded
Like you are submerged in lukewarm water
Like when you take a bubble bath and there are little bubbles and soap suds left at the bottom when you are done
Like clouds in the summer when the sky is clear except for a few wispy clouds and they are faded
Like stretched out cotton candy
Like the last few drops of water swirling down the sink drain
—  My therapist has been trying 2 get my 2 explain what i’m feeling to him for the three weeks and this is all I can come up with

“I wanted the past of Blue Valentine to be a movie about opportunities, where the characters had an unlimited amount of choices. They could become anything. They find each other, and they decide to become one. Flash forward six years: they have less opportunity. They can’t become as many things anymore. 

I think I wanted past of Blue Valentine to make you feel like a fish in the ocean, and you could go anywhere. The present is these two characters as fish in a bucket and desperately trying to get back in the ocean again.”

Derek Cianfrance

Lonely little prince!michael who spent his nights with you, the maids daughter, sneaking around the castle playing hide and seek or tag, always upset when you had to go to bed in separate halls. Sometimes you’d sneak out of your rooms though and meet in the library with flashlights and blankets and play cards or talk about how michael doesn’t want to be a prince because he has no friends except you and how you wish you were a princess so that way your mom could have had the money to save your dad from the bad people who came and took him away. And you’re best friends and you lean on each other since no one else is ever really there for you until you start to get older, and begin to really learn your places and michael isn’t around as often because he has riding lessons or sword training and you’re on dish duty and helping your mother with the laundry until slowly you just lose touch. But that’s only until he finds you one night crying in the library with a flashlight in your hand, curled up in a ball where the two of you used to sit. And he’s not sure why you’re crying, and he’s not even sure why he just so happened to walk by the library that night of all nights, but somehow when he heard those muffled sobs he knew it was you and he knew he had to go to you and looking at you on the floor so vulnerable in the same place they used to meet as children, something inside him snapped. And he goes to you, and though he doesn’t say anything he sits beside you and hoists you into his lap and let’s you cry into his shirt. And you’re so grateful, so so grateful, that by some chance michael walked by and that he cared enough to make sure you were okay because after all castle life is so very lonely and as you and michael were the only two children to ever live there, when you lost touch you never had other friends to replace him. So whenever something was wrong, even though you couldn’t go directly to michael, you would go to the spot that belonged to only you two. But for once he’s here and he’s holding you and it’s almost as if you two never left each other because he’s cooing in your ear and soothing your hair down and everything is okay. It’s okay and michael is here and maybe tomorrow he’ll have to go back to being a prince and you’ll have to go back to attending to your sick mom, but for now, in this moment, you’re kids again, and everything is okay.