im so pround of us

Confession

Now that I am 17, I’ve gotten to a point where I can really step back and look at my relationships with both my parents… I have some things I want to say.

*Answer by Tyler the Creator plays in the background*

Dad…Not father. Not role model. Why did you leave?

Thats all I want to know. Why was I not worth the effort for you to stay?

You stayed for my other 4 half siblings. And had even more. What did they have that I didnt? I was your first born girl. Was I never special to you?

Does that not mean anything to you?

I guess the only reason your ducking and dodging me is because youre afraid to answer my questions.

The same questions that I had haunt me in my darkest hours in my deepest dispair, your too cowardly to face up to.

I guess that proves that im braver than you.

For so long you had been the catalyst for why I never even entertained the thought of having children and starting my own family.

I never wanted a man to do what you did to my mom. I never want to go through what shes going through even still today. I was terrified of the thought. The possibility. I still very much am.

Everyone around me thinks im so well adjusted, so well rounded. I turned out infinately better than your first born, my brother. Who you also abandoned.

Im the “golden child” now. Not ony because of my light skinned complexion, but because Im expected to make up for all my older brother’s f*ck ups and cant make any mistakes for myself.

Sometimes I suspect when you abandoned me, you left behind a microscope for everyone to look on my life through.

Because God forbid I do make a mistake like get a bad grade in school on my report card, that would shatter the perfect girl image everyone was so kind to build for me.

But why should that matter? Even if I act like I live in a plastic house, like I have been, youve made me feel like Im still not good enough for you.

You missed out on everything. All the awards I earned from school, all the things I went through that made me who I am today. No thanks to you.

I tried talking to you countless times, tried going through my grandmother, your mom, to meet or at least talk to you on the phone and it was to no avail.

But the last time I reached out really got to me. It shows me that once and for all, after so many years, and so many tears, that you really truly do not care about me.

I tried calling everyone to get through to you. Not one person picked up their phones on that specific day. Not my older half brother who I set it up through, not my aunts or uncles. No one.

Ive already outlived that phase where I desperately wanted to get in contact with you, just to have a relationship with you, no mention of how you treated me  or for financial support, but now…I just dont care.

Thats what youve been trying to show me all along and now I have the emotional and mental compacity to reciprocate it.

I am my fathers daughter. Arent you so pround of me? Im really putting to use the one thing youve taught me in my life.

Hows it feel to finally lose the last shred of respect, patience, hope and possibly love of your first born daughter?

Your just a stranger on the street to me now. In fact, If i did see you on the street, I wouldnt even know it was you because Ive completely forgotten what you look like. What your voice sounds like. Youre just another face in the crowd to me now.

What cuts deeper is that even the men in my family have let me down in big ways one way or another. All of them. My uncle on my mothers side, her father, my cousins, your first born and my half brother who’s birthday is only three days after mine, your second oldest (you didnt abandon him though). All of them.

But dont worry. I dont hate men. Im not blaming the entire male populace for YOUR biggest f*ck up. I dont make generalizations about men or even adopted the oh-so-popular “men aint sh!t” idea so many of my fellow melanin sistahs whos hearts have been broken my the BOYS like you, in their lifes.

I hurt. and you dont care.

Ive probably gone through more emotions than you ever will at only 17 than you already have at 40-something.

One day youre going to have to answer that question. That one everpresent question that im afraid to ask myself.

Why did you leave?

And after I dont know how many years, you better have a d@mn good answer.

For so long ive felt so alone. And I didnt even know why. I had a deep seeded ache for something missing in my life that I could not place way down in my soul.

Its still there. I dont know what it is that this hole wants. I dont know what its going to take to make me feel complete but I cant help but feel like it had something to do with you. And that just may be the worst part. To be powerless in a situation you want to change so badly but just cant.

I never knew a parent could hurt their own child as you’ve hurt me. But you did.

Lesson learned.

My hope for you in the future is that you finally grow up to be a man and to want to correct the mistakes youve made thus far. I might be the only mistake you cant correct but I hope you make things right with every other wrong youve done.

I also hope that I do have a relationship with my other half siblings as they become adults. Not under your parental authority. I even hope to speak with child No.7 you left back in Jamaica, your home country.

I hope shes doing well as I type this. Your big sis loves you, hon. Even if our dad doesnt.

I wonder how the second oldest is coping with this too. Does he know you abandoned us or did you lie to him and allow him to believe youre somebody youre not. I’ve always known you and him werent wrapped too tight.

My last hope is to, If I decide to, be an infinately better parent to my child/ren than you are to me. To be cautious making decisions that may effect my potential future children, myself, and my future husband. Even as I dont know who my future husband is, or wether or not I DO want to have chldren, Youve taught me a some valuable lessons and affected their lives. Especially my FH, he’s going to REALLY have to have his sh!t together for me to even take a second glace at him. 1) Be careful who you have children with and to have children for the right reasons, 2)To make decisions, no matter how hard, to protect myself and those around me, 3) and the importance of a safe and happy home, which is needed for children to be raised in, which is to be provided by both mother and father. Ive learned all of your mistakes and now at 17, I know how to avoid them.

Maybe thats all you were meant to be in my life for after all. Just to teach me those lessons. If so, I just wished it wasnt such as painful lessons to learn.

Maybe I should be thanking you after all. Im a lot luckier-no, blessed, than the overwhelming majority of black peers I see raised without fathers. I think I turned out really well. Ive learned a lot and will take what I have learned with me for the rest of my life. High school, College and beyond.

Yeah you caused me a lot of pain by not being in my life but change cannot be without pain or suffering, can it?

I guess thats all a part of being a black woman isnt it?

Now, when we say “mega” that is, in this case, apparently an understatement. The fans for “Faberry” (Fabray/Berry) as they call themselves, set a new record high for page turns on E! Online for any single post in the entire history of the website. Umm…yeah, we are just as stunned as you. Also, we did an investigation into this voting and it showed no signs of false play among “Faberry” fans: Just a group of hardcore, dedicated shippers who organized mass-voting times (all hours of the night), and obviously took this thing very seriously.
—  eonline