im so done with everything in my entire life

I Need You

i wanted to be the one that was there for you forever. i wanted to be yours until the day i died. i wanted to have you for the rest of my life. i would still do anything for you, through all of the pain and all of the bullshit, i would still go to the ends of the earth for you, and thats so fucking scary to me. even after youve hurt me, ripped out my heart, stomped on it, and told everybody i was the worst person youve ever met, i would still go out of my way just to see you smile at me. just to look down at those beautiful brown eyes and see your smile. see my world. i had plans for you, i had plans for us. i knew what i wanted to do with my life. i knew what i wanted to do after high school, where i wanted to go to college, who i wanted to do it all with, and where i wanted to move and who i wanted to do it all with. i wanted to move on that fucking island with you. jesus i was so fucking in love with you that i have no motivation to even wake up and go to school because i know ill see your face and ill feel my stomach drop and have the need to just fall to my knees and weep. id still do anything for you. im sitting in my house, in my room, doing nothing all fucking day. i dont even want to move, i dont want to get out. i just want to die. i feel like without you, i no longer have any purpose in this world. and that hurts so fucking bad. id do anything for you baby..id do anything. id take my own life just to see you smile one last time, and thats the scariest thing to me. im so in love with you, even after you hate me, that i would do anything, and jesus i mean anything just to make you happy. i cant stop crying. i cant even get out of my fucking bed. i feel dead. i feel so fucking lost without you. ive never been so sad in my entire life. its as if my will to do anything left when you did, and with that, goes my universe. im crushed, im so fucking crushed. its as if ive hit an all time low, rock bottom, and ill always carry these weights with me my entire life. these chains that im tied to you. and as i sit at home, in my room sobbing over you, i know youre out there happy. youre getting out, youre talking to other people, you actually have the will, have hope to do anything. ive lost all fucking energy to do anything. i just sit in my room sobbing over you. ive been crying day in and day out for three weeks. sitting in my bed sobbing. its gotten so bad that  my fathers even come back into my life because hes worried. and when a man who hasnt been in your life for 17 years comes into your life because hes worried about you, you know youre fucked. im fucked. im so in love with you that without you i have no more faith. in myself, or in anybody. ill never get over you. and tomorrow night, ill be laying in my bed sobbing even more, because ill know youre out at prom, having fun, while all i can do is cry over you. i have no more hope. ive lost everything. ive lost everything.. ive put everything into you, and now that youre gone, im gone. i cant do this anymore. its too much to see you everyday and want to just sob over you. i hate myself for this. all i need is to talk to you. jesus i feel so dead without you. id do anything for you, and that has me scared shitless that im so in love that id do anything even after all thats happened between us. ill love you forever, and the worst part about it, is ill be telling my kids about you. ill tell my kids that i had this girlfriend in high school, and that i still love her more than i love their own mother. i know for a fact ill never love again, itll all just be lust. my heart belongs to you, and youll have it forever. nobody else will ever have it. nobody else.. ill never stop loving you. jesus i want to drop out of high school entirely because the thought of it makes me think of you. im willing to ruin my entire life over you, and maybe thats what i need to do. ill spend an eternity in hell for what ive done to you, and that eternity will be my soul and heart being torn as i watch the one thing ive ever cared about be happy without me. i feel so gone. so dead.. so useless. my parents were right. im just useless. im a piece of shit. im an asshole. but she is..she is still everything i wrote a year ago. but what i am, i am a man, im not a man. i am a boy who is dead inside, and will always love you. id die for you..id do anything for you. say the words and i would do it. anything baby..id do anything for you. and i hate myself for that. i hate myself for loving you. i hate myself for losing you. i fucking hate myself. i want you, and i would do anything. i cant express that enough..anything.. ill never forget you, and i know that because this pain in my heart will never leave. my soul has been crushed. my world has been crushed. im so fucked..i have so much hate for myself that the love i had for you equaled it out. but now that i cant love you, the only thing in my heart is hatred for myself, and the memory of the love i used to be able to express for you. i miss you.. i fucking miss you and the only thing in this world that could make me feel whole again would be to see your smile..your lips on mine..the sound of your voice..god i hate myself for letting you go. you left. call it what you want, bottom line youre gone and i have no will to do anything anymore because of it. i cant remember the last time i laughed, the last time i smiled. but i can remember the sound of your voice, those eyes, your hand in mind. i remember. and ill never forget. i never want to forget, because the love i have for you is the only thing that makes me feel like a human being and not a fucking monster. i love you. i love you so much. i love you. baby.. goodbye my love. its been so long, but for you, it was time. ill never find a time to get over you. ill never do anything without remembering you. im so sorry..and im so in love with you. i love you so much. all of the things ive been doing lately dont feel the same. even crying without you doesnt feel the same. i hate it..but i love you. even my writing feels worst. this letter or, whatever this shit is, it doesnt feel good. its a mess, but its my genuine thoughts. i need you right now.. nobody will ever compare to you, and i never want anybody else. ill never forget. fuck.. im sorry. i love you baby.. i love you. goodbye.. you are the love of my life, and you always will be. she will be loved, and loved i made sure to do. ill never stop loving her, even when shes with another, ill still love her. all my friends are worried about me. my family. jesus even random people at school are asking me. i guess ive started to look how i feel. im scared that ill never stop loving you, but the truth, i never want to stop loving you. because something as beautiful as the love i have for you, is something special. almost as special as you.. i dont know how to end this. i dont know where to end this. theres so much on my mind. i didnt know one person could have so much impact on me. i didnt know the topic of one person could make me write non stop over her. you were the love of my life. and now i understand the meaning of it. ill love you for the rest of my life, even when i never see you again, ill always think of you. ill always dream of you. ill always love you. ill always fucking love you. i get the meaning of love, and to me, the meaning of love was you and i together. ill never get to experience that again. ill never forget you. and ill never be the same without you. i love you so fucking much. i am in love with you.

2

@taylorswift hiii tay, so i thought id show you a quick lil throwback to my 14th birthday when my mum&dad surprised me with the best present i could have ever asked for!!! honestly i have never been more excited by a cake in my entire life and after telling them that id like something “taylor swift themed” for my birthday that year this was defo something that put the biggest smile on my face haha:) you never fail to make me happy&i wish i could pay you back somehow for everything youve done for me. i hope you know that ill always support you, through everything. im so grateful to have you in my life and i love you so so much, chloe :)

anonymous asked:

Okay you totally need to do more Jonny! IM JONNY DEPRIVED HELP

Jonny needs love too! I have your back, my scarecrow-deprived friend! I hope this relieves your deprivation, have some angst! I’ve been fluffing it a lot here lately. Happy reading, friendo!)

Jon slammed his hands onto the concrete wall, once, twice, three times. He’d messed up again, and now he was dealing with the consequences, which he’d done his entire life. He’d been stressing over some unknown issues.

All the crap he’d so fervently pushed through the years, the abuse he had dealt with, everything was rushing around his head and he could feel himself slipping away. There was an angry, vile laughter deep in the recesses of his mind.

The room around him was destroyed, his papers scattered around the floor, photos all turned onto their faces. Glass shards decorated the carpet like small diamonds glistening. He sat in the epicenter of the disaster sight, as broken a mess as the room around him.

He’d all but tired himself out when a voice mousily spoke to him from the doorway.

“Jonathan?” the voice pleaded, safely from behind the door.

“Jonathan is not here,” he replied, his head spinning and his heart pounding out the words as they left him. “He’s been eradicated.”

Your eyes widened, you could recognize that trembling voice anywhere. Pulling all of your bravado together, you tred eggshells towards him, stopping roughly a few feet away from the broken figure.

“Jon,” you breathed, taking in the disastrous mess that filled the room. “We can talk about it, if you want.”

“I want you out,” the rage in his voice was almost overwhelming but you stood your ground as he continued. “Eradicated, gone. Away from me, get out of my life!” He clutched his head and held it between his knees, silent sobs filling the tension in the air.

You shook your head, took a few more steps towards him, and tried again. “Jonny, dear.”

“Get out,” the words echoed through the apartment, he repeatedly yelled that phrase, rocking back and forth on the ground before you. “Can’t you take a hint?”

anonymous asked:

a day will come when the light of your life returns, just wait through this darkness.

i literally just found something to validate all my fears and everything that’s ever been my worry in my life. i have sealed my fate im so done dude lol lies and mistrusts and manipulation for months on months holy fuck this is literally the worst pain ive ever felt in my entire life im checking out dude haha i cant handle this shit lmao unless he comes back within this week im leaving this i cant handle this unless somehow miraculously theres an explanation that clears everything up i feel like in atoning for my sins i think ill stumble down to the bridge tonight maybe

persephonah  asked:

apple picking, pumpkin spice, cider 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

hello gay <333 hell oo o o gay,,, <3333 i love u gay so much i lov E uu u uu uu  u<23333!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apple Picking: What’s something you’ve done that you’re really proud of?

i can’t like think of One Concrete thing so im gonna mention a few off the top of my head!!!!!!! jacques’s movie, drama lessons with aspa which i was super stressed about but everything worked out super well, little every day things that might be super easy to other people but are very stressful for me but i end up doing them successfully and im like !! yes mama!!!! u did that!!, all progress i’ve made in language learning in my entire life, overcoming the worst and biggest wave of self loathing in my life and slowly learning to build the bridge back to loving myself

Pumpkin Spice: Do you have a favourite coffee place? Why is it your favourite?

of course u’d send this oh my god i love u???? this is going to sound awful but i really like the starbucks in my neighbourhood because it’s always so quiet and has perfect seating arrangements and makes me feel so cosy!!! but i don’t really go there often bc im poor lol jadlkfjadlsfjkas another place i love is the bubble tale shop in my neighbourhood which is technically also a coffee place but i never get coffee from there i always get some obscene sugary permutation of it but !!!!!!!!!!!!!! i live for that and it makes me so happy bc that shop is like so colourful and dreamy and wonderful it’s like stepping into the princess bride universe

Cider: What would you title your autobiography?

Getting Bi

and no further comment on this tea ;)

asks

Let me explain to u a thing
tumblr user enitari
Let me explain to u a thing

(An anon asked me to make something like my video  for THIS post. Thank you tumblr user Enitari for this beautiful post all credit goes to this person) 

FUCKIN G WEINER DINGLE BURRITO JUST LET ME EXPAIN MY LOVE FOR THIS IMAGE ONCE AND FOR ALL 

[AGGRESSIVELY INHALES] 

LET ME TELL U HOW FUCKING  IMPORTAN T THIS IMAGE IS FOR ME?????? IS T HIS REAL LIFE???? JUST LET ME EXPLAIN TO U A TH ING”“!!!!?!!?11!!!

JUST LOOk AT HIM?????????????+++ LOOK AT REN??? DOG??? HOT LOOK HOW HAPPY THE DOG HOT LOOK CLOSER HOW HAPPY HE IS AOB IS EYE CLOSED BUT RENREN ????NONONO DIDNT FUCKIGN THINK SO REN EYE OPEN LOOKING AT SMILE AOBU AND REALIZING HOW HAPPY HE IS THAT THEYRE FINALLY TOGETHER DO U SEE IT ??? DO U???? ? ?  DO YOU REALLY? ?? YOU FCUK ING EGGHEADED DICK BURRITO. REN LOVES BOB SO MUCH CAN U SEE THE LOVE I JUST HIS SMILE SAYS EVERYTHING LIKE AOBUBA HTANK U FOR LOVING ME I THOUGHT IT WAS WRONG LOVING U BUT NO I AM LOVE U THANK NO IM SORRY SORRY OH AH SORRY WOW HEHE SORRY

NO REN STOP SAYING SORRY U FUCKING FRECKLE UR THE MOST PRECIOUS THING ON THE PLANENT U LITTLE SHIT JUST S T  O P

THIS IMAGE IS THE EVERYTHING THE LIFE THE MEANING  I WANT TO TELEPORT INT O THE MIDDLE OF THIS IMAGE AND TOUCH EVERYTHING IN IT I WANT TO LIVE INSIDE THIS IMAGE AND SPEND MY ENTIRE LIFE INSIDE THIS PIECE OF FRICKERY JUNGLE DONGLE DOGGIE PIC AND JUST WATCH THEM UNTIL I DIE I WANT TO WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND SEE THIS PIC  I WANT THIS PIC DISPLAYED AT MY FUNERAL AND AT M Y FUCKING REINCARNATION BECaUSE DAWG SINCE I SAW THIS FRICKERY DINGLE DONGLE PIC I WILL LIVE FOREVER  IM SO DONE I WANT THE LION KING THEME SONG TO BE PLAYED IN THE BACKGR OUND AS I SLOWLY DISPERCE INTO THE WIND WHILE I VIOLENTLY FAP IN THE DISTANCE

U THINK U UNDERSTAND ME YET NO U DONT BECAUSE U ARE NOT SEEING IT U SOYA NIPPLE LOOK AT THE PIC LOOK CLOSER LOOK AT THEIR FACES LOOK AT RENS HAND AND HIS PERFECT EYES MY VAGUGA HAS EXPLODED I WNAT REN TO TOUCH THE JUNGLE

THIS IMAGE IS MY RELIGION I PRAY TO THIS IMAGE EVERY NIGHT BEFORE I GO THE BE D THIS IMAGE IS HTE LORD DEAR LORD PLEASE LET ME LOOK AT U AGAIN OH THERE U FRICKI  N ARE THANK U BCUZ SOMEONE FRUCKETY FRICKFRICKIN MADE THIS GAME HELLO YES I LOV E U SO MUCH I WANT TO TOUCH ALLOF U CAN I DO IT THANK U rEN AND BOB FOR BEING A CHURACTURERS IN HTE GAME THANK U MOM DAD FOR GIVING BIRTH TO ME AND THANK MYSELF FOR NOT HAVING A LEGO GET STUCK IN MY EYE SO ME BLIND SO I COULD LIVE TO SEE THIS IMAGE THANK YOU SO MUCH 

I NEED THIS PICTURE EVERYWHRE AT ALL TIMES TH IS IS THE MEANING OF MY LIFE I NEED THIS I WANT THIS IMAGE TATTOED ON MY FOREHEAD I NEED THIS LOOK AT HIM JUST LOOK A T THE HOT DOG AND THE AOBUBA ALL THE HOT AOB WHEN I TOUCH THE IMAGE I GET BURNS ON MY FINGERS WHY OH WHY DO U ASK U FRACKIN CHEESEBURGER BECAUSE ITS FRICKIN AOBUB AND SNIPPETY SNAPPETY FUCKIN JUNGLE DOG REN I NEED HIM IN MY LIFE???? iM SO DONDIDDELY DOODOO DANGERS DONE

anonymous asked:

can we please talk about how jk found jimin scolding him the MOST embarrassing thing that happened to him the WHOLE YEAR??? like? wtf did jimin say ?

jimin: did i raise a child or a baboon.. ive never been this Ashamed in my entire life…. look me in the eyes when im talking 2 u young man

jk: but my neck gets tired from looking down all th- im sry.. b.. bad habit

jimin: omg ur srsly back-sassing me now.. making fun of my height.. all the years nearly breaking my back raising ur ungrateful ass, coddling u, buying u things….. this is how u repa

oKAY BUT LIKE JOSH’S ACTING WAS SO BEAUTIFULLY DONE
YOU LITERALLY CANT SAY THAT JOSH ISNT THE PERFECT PEETA BECAUSE HIS PERFORMANCE WAS JUST ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING THINGS IVE EVER WITNESSED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
EVERY WORD HE SPOKE WAS FILLED WITH SO MUCH EMOTION AND HE CONSTANTLY HAD A VACANT KIND OF HOLLOW LOOK IN HIS EYES THAT JUST GAVE ME CHILLS
I CRIED SO MUCH JUST FROM LOOKING AT HIS FACE ON THE SCREEN
JUST EVERYTHING WAS SO EMOTIONALLY SCARRING AND IVE NEVER BEEN MORE HAPPY ABOUT THAT
IM SO PROUD OF MY BABY

Never in my entire life did I feel this numb, devastated such an ache, A HOLE IN MY HEART. Zayn out of all, who was the most humble, down to earth SO CARING AND LOVING. The one who cares SO MUCH about the others about this band, his family. The person who made me feel accepted, feel proud to share the same beliefs with. SO PROTECTIVE AND FULL OF LIFE WITH SUCH A VIBRANT AND INCREDIBLE PERSONALITY AND A VOICE OF AN ANGEL. To see him getting pushed to his limit, getting pushed to the point where he sees no other option than leave the band, the fame, leave his 4 brothers, it breaks my heart. Zayn wherever you are I wish you all the best in the world you deserve all the happiness all the love in this entire damn world. Thank you for those amazing years full of life and happiness. Thank you for making this band sound so special. Thank you for everything you have done for us. Thank you for protecting your boys. Thank you for your passion.Thank you for your bravery. WE LOVE YOU SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH SOSOSO MUCH PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

2

Happy Birthday Phil!!!!!

thank you for everything Phil, youve done so so much for us.
from teaching us random facts about dolphins to teaching us to not be afraid of being ourselves, you have truly made an impact in the world in your 28 years.

and i could never thank you enough for all the times youve made me smile, all the times youve cheered me up when im sad, and all the times youve made me not feel so lonely anymore. 

you are my sunshine, i love you so much, and i will never be able to thank you for everything youve done. you are the most genuine and creative person ive ever seen in my entire life. your hard work is so inspiring. 

i hope you know how much we love you, and appreciate every single thing you do. i could write pages and pages about all the reasons that youre amazing, phil you are truly a gift to to the world, you have the most incredible imagination, and you have changed so many lives.

so thank you phil, thank you for exsisting
thank you for being you.
happy birthday phil.

you are truly amazing

my entire life is like women touching me more than what im comfortable with. and they think it’s ok because theyre not men and so their manhandling of me (see: this gendered language) could in no way be harmful to me. because theyre women! so it must be ok for them to touch me a lot. because everything women do is innocent (see: sexism), and their touching could only be friendly and never malicious or uncomfortable. women are just touchy-feely, right??? no harm done!! but my desire to not be touched extends across all genders! i’m even WAY more attracted to women than men, so that makes it extra ok for women to touch me, right?? but no i will still have a negative reaction in most cases!!