im probably embarrassing myself

the first man that ever broke my heart
was my father
his presence is a thick fog that rolls over our house
his words are harsh and mangled like old tree roots sunken into the ground
they weigh heavily on my chest
like an anchor stuck to my rib cage
pulling me deeper and deeper until i can no longer breathe
until my cells burst and i feel nothing
i am constantly reminded of my own inadequacy
when all i want is some kind of affirmation that i’m not as vile as he makes me feel
i try to believe the best of him
but it is so hard when i’m made to feel like nothing
i know that i will never please him
and that i will never be enough to silence his shot gun shell filled mouth
i have tried to be enough for so long
i have tried to pretend that it does not bother me
but i cannot try
not when my insides have been hallowed out by his bullets
one too many times
—  and i don’t think i can ever forgive you