im having tw feels

stop ! telling ! chronically ! ill ! people! “at least it’s not cancer”

you are not reassuring me, and I know many others feel the same way

you are making me feel invalidated, that my complaints are unjustified, that I can’t complain about my own illness bc ‘other people have it worse’ 

suffering doesn’t need to be compared

illnesses are different. they don’t need to and can’t be compared

and stop implying that we should be happy and content that it’s not something worse. it feels a lot like you’re trying to silence us

people keep telling me i look “healthy,” which is all great and good and yes thank you very much, but some of these people are the same people who applauded me for being stick thin and asked me for “diet” and exercise advice. 

like, its so wild, i can’t even. 

I’m not trying to put anyone down, because I’m guilty of this too, applauding other’s for their diet and fitness routines when it was very obvious they were not taking care of themselves.  this is a very difficult world to try and navigate.  In the beginning I was asking for advice from people who were proudly restricting calories and feeling powerful myself for being able to restrict so well and see such “great” results. I was weighing the amount of calories i burned directly to what I “allowed” myself to eat.  As if an app can tell me what my body needs. How many wasted hours meticulously putting in exactly how many grams of this and that went into my carefully crafted lunch and feeling bad when I added a single Dum Dum lollipop or a piece of gum because of the sugar content.    

The deeper i get into my recovery the grosser I feel about this.  For unknowingly perpetuating a damaging “fitspo” attitude and lifestyle without ever really meaning to.  at the height of my ED i did not look “good” and i was absolutely miserable.  My brain genuinely did not work correctly and I did not want to be alive.  gaining weight seemed like the most terrible thing in the world. why? WHY is this so embedded in our brains?  it feels like an absolute failure.  it makes me feel like im crawling out of my skin. pushing the boundaries of my pants, feeling too much as they get tighter and feel more cramped.  I don’t fit into any of my clothes from last year and it feels like I’m doing something wrong.  But how can nourishing yourself and even “indulging” be wrong?  why does growth and taking up more space make me feel like I’m not “right”?

The term “fitspo” has always not only bugged me to no end, but also frightened me.  in the past I have asked several people who reblogged my running and workout selfies to take “fitspo” out of their tags or asked certain blogs to delete their reblog totally because I didn’t want to be part of their content.  Even in that fear and differing ideals I was part of the problem… I put a vibe in the air that “clean eating” and “reward foods” were a normal way to live. and its just not.  weighing every meal and counting calories is just not a good way to live.  it plays into diet culture and seeps into your veins so deeply that you feel inadequate without it. and it cannot be maintained.  Even at my thinnest I was not happy with my body.  I could not see what others saw and not once did i believe my stomach wasn’t “at least a little pudgy”.  

I was happy when I was nourished and finding out what my body could do, but i lost myself somewhere along the way.  

I want to be clear that I am not demonizing working out and eating healthy. I still love being active and will always love being active.  It makes me feel GOOD and helps with my anxiety.  It even makes me feel closer with my dad because fitness has always been a part of his life.  Running will always be my thing and I will one day become friends with it again, but this time we will have a loving, balanced relationship. It wont be the end all be all. I wont work myself ragged so i can have some pizza and ice cream, but not end up getting the pizza and ice cream because i feel guilty and undeserving.  I want to be able to just sit on the couch for a few days and eat a box of cookies and not feel bad about it.  

you aren’t “dirty” for “indulging.”  You don’t have to be a certain size.  You just have to do what makes you feel good for yourself, not for anyone else.  you are not undeserving or too much or too big or too anything.  you deserve anything you want, big or small, and you don’t have to damage yourself in the process of achieving it.  

This is all just more evidence of the absolute warped worldview of diet and the female body and what is “normal” and “healthy” looking vs. what is to be praised.  Praise yourself for giving yourself what you not only need but WANT.  it is okay to want and have.  it is okay to be too much.   

This is why im SO thankful fro people like Kelly Roberts (Run, Selfie, Repeat), Meret Boxler (Life, Unrestricted), Summer Innanen (Fearless Rebelle Radio), Taryn Brumfitt (Embrace film),  Julie Duffy Dillon (Love, Food), and Virgie Tovar (Lose Hate Not Weight). And really, the list just goes on and on.  Because they are blooming right out in the light of day, taking up space and not shutting up. Not living in the shadows, or playing into any type of negative culture. and they GET IT.  they just really really get it. 

I’m not very eloquent about it but hopefully you get what i mean.  I could go on for years about this stuff.  and i will. 

@mygaysonwill @eggosthings @eggosanddragons

no but okay imagine that in college, mike’s height is around 6′1″ and will’s is around 5′7″

mike playfully making fun of will’s height all the time with stuff like

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