im a rambly writer

Mothers’ Weekend

Hello there! Long time, no see (my bad I know) but, here: an Alicia Zimmermann-centric piece as she goes to Parents’ Weekend during Jack’s freshmen year. [focus on Alicia, Jack, and Shitty] 6k

Somewhere, deep in her heart, Alicia Zimmermann knows she is a bad mother.

It started out as a worry, as maybe it does for all new mothers, that she will be a bad mother. That she won’t know what to do with a baby or a toddler that one day she will accidentally drop him or forget to feed him or feed him something he is actually allergic to or maybe she’ll scar him emotionally somehow and she worried but she survived his childhood okay. And then, after he was five or six, she stopped worrying about it. She thought she was doing pretty good. Jack had hockey and loved hockey and, sure, they didn’t have deep emotional talks but she didn’t exactly have any basis of comparison. Television families told her she was doing okay. No teenage boy wanted to have deep talks with his mother. And, look, if Jack didn’t talk to her all that much as he turned 12 and then 13, at least he was still talking to his father. Mostly still about hockey but she… she thought that had counted. Hockey was like French, to her. Another language she could understand but couldn’t quite speak. But Bob could. He was on top of it. Jack was taken care of.

She loved Jack. That was never the problem. The problem was that her love wasn’t enough. It didn’t matter. It didn’t alert her to any of the facts and maybe it even blinded her– She loved her son and her son loved hockey and so she loved hockey too. She loved her son and then her son seemed to love a boy named Kent and they never talked about it but she let Kent come over all the time and she figured they would discuss it at some point. She just… assumed everything was okay. Even after he was diagnosed with the anxiety disorder and given pills. It was always… well, that was a little problem but it’s handled and under control and everything is okay now.

See. Bad mother.

A good mother would have known somehow.

A good mother would have pushed and prodded or sensed it without even having to be told.

A good mother would have paid attention to how hard Jack was on himself. A good mother would have made sure her son had interests outside of hockey. A good mother would have known that Jack’s long silences after losses weren’t normal. A good mother would have preached balance and fostered friendships with different types of people and stopped the fucking hockey.

She didn’t though. Stop the hockey. No, not Alicia Zimmermann. She encouraged it. She went to the games and cheered the loudest and she even loved it a little bit because she thought it brought him joy, like his father. She bought into the vision: Jack playing hockey like Bob, the Zimmermann legacy continued throughout the ages…

God, she even used to tease Jack about how it took his father three years to win a Cup and she was sure Jack could manage it faster than his old man.

A good mother wouldn’t have done that. So, see, she’s always been a bad mother. Even now, now that she’s almost lost him, now that she’s promised to do better, now that she’s finally read all the books and online articles about anxiety and pressure and the danger of sports and hockey culture… now she’s still just as bad. Just for different reasons.

Now she is a bad mother because it’s Saturday afternoon and he’s been at Samwell for almost three months and she does not feel like mothers are supposed to feel in this moment.

She glances around. At the sea of other mothers and fathers crammed onto Samwell’s campus for Parents’ Weekend. They are not nervous. They are excited. Happy. Enthusiastic. Overjoyed to see the teenager they had left just a couple months ago again. To her right is a father almost (but not quite) breaking into a run to give his son a hug. To her left, a mother has burst into tears. Happy tears.

And then there’s her. She’s not excited to see Jack. Well, no. No, it’s not that she’s not excited. She is. She is. (She is. She repeats it once more just to remind herself). She is just…

She is nervous too. More nervous than she is excited.

Keep reading

i thought about death last on a tuesday. i thought about how decay is supposed to smell sweet and i wondered what that meant for its taste. i have no intention to find out, though i know curiosity, like cat to mouse, has a way of digging her claws in.

i thought about life last night. not just the sunrise, or the stars. not just the way the world goes dizzy at the edges when you hold your breath, but the way that the air feels in the aftermath of a storm. particles lightning-charged with the same kind of life that lingers in the synapses of a brain at the edge of discovery.

this morning i thought about you. you. you are hard to fold into words. i find that your curves do not like the way sentences feel when i try to hold them up against you, to see if i caught your image within them. the comparison is as weak as i was when i saw you last tuesday, or when you smiled at me last night.

tonight? who knows. the thing is, i think these days i laugh more than i cry, but i still think about death. i haven’t looked at the stars in a while but i still see them, and i will always watch for storms. you do not complete me as i was a person before you, but i like that we could live alone. it means we choose not to.

l.s. | i still think © 2017 

Concept: being able to create ships and still respect the cannon work. It’s cool to ship what you want. (I admit that i do ship tree bros) just as long as you dont erase the actual story and you respect the writers, cast, and fellow fans. Thanks. peace out.

do you ever wonder how others in the fandom see you?? like,,, what am i to you??

anonymous asked:

hello! i was wondering if you have any sanvers fic recs? it can be hard to find the good stuff in the tag

i know what you mean, and i’ll try my very best to rec some good ones

first of all THIS masterpiece which is in a class of its own tbh


canon divergence

one shots

I think one of the most beautiful things about writing is that anything can happen.

You need to stop.

You can’t use me like your personal door mat,

Walking in and out of my life,

Only when its convenient to you,

And turn around like the world is against you,

When you’re not the one who gets walked all over,

And used each time.

I was working on a Scott/Reyes smut shot and got stuck bc I couldn’t decide who I wanted to take it Up The Butt….

ultimately what made up my mind was the thought of some fuckwad asking Scott if he topped and Scott pulling out a nice pair of shades- just for this situation- putting them on, then sliding them down his nose to look at this tool and say, “They call me Ryder for a reason”

Reyes is screaming a very long “no”, comes out of nowhere, and slams him to the ground just as the words leave his mouth. The entire Tempest crew starts screaming.

With Voltron s4 on the way Im getting worried

So, ships right? Klance, Leith whatever the fuck (still ugly names) has this kinda cool, kinda weird shakiness with their chemistry. Keith and Lance, Red and Blue- we’ve seen it all and it’s great, we saw great strides in LGBTQ coverage compared to say, ten years ago.

Now, I’ve been hearing on the airwaves about VAs talkin about the maybes and maybe nots of Klance happening, and that got me worried. I’m worried that the writers are gonna lure Klance fans in with the same way Supernatural writers lured Destiel Fans. A lot of talk amongst actors, stringing along with twisted writing and that thought that maybe one’s favorite, dedicated ship will become canon.

Now with what I know as an ex destiel fan, Actors did a lot of shimmy shimmy showtime on the matter and sorta blockt questions abt destiel. Then the writers part mocked, part gave a love letter to their fans about their dedication to the show. Fans fell for it, hook line and sinker and I was one of them.

Then i realized how it fucked me and left mento die and i was bitter since.

Come Voltron and the shakiness that is Keith and Lance. There are a lot of familiar parallels between Supernatural destiel shenanigans and Voltron Klance shenanigans. I’m worried, not that it’ll be canon but that it’ll be the sorest sense of queer baiting this side of Tumblr shipping and TV. That they’ll lure in shipping fans and keep them there, then shit out piss poor writing. Like Supernatural.

Now, I’m rambling a bit but hear me out: just cause its Netflix doesn’t mean they’ll do it. I’m seeing signs that maybe they’re willing to broach the idea with Home but a bishie boy together romance? Note, that mainstream pop culture media is making stiff moves forward.

So yeah Im worried. Ship whatchu ship, its cool and everything but foe my sake, please don’t expect anything to happen.

Hella gay for your bff

It must be amazing to reach a level of closeness with someone of the same sex that you can pseudo-flirt with them without it ever feeling weird (for a while).

It must be refreshing to be able to mutually trust each other in otherworldly proportions, to be able to defend each other in a heartbeat or to always patiently reach out to each other when things get rough.

It must also feel flattering to reach such a strong bond that you would be so willing to traverse mountains while killing cult members or sacrifice a city for your “bestfriend.”

I don’t know what suddenly got me thinking about this… I guess it’s coz I’ve been looking up Lara Croft/Sam Nishimura stuff and they just reminded me of these “I never realized I was hella gay for my bestfriend til way later, and she possibly likes me back too” tropes like Korra/Asami Sato, Chloe Price/ Max Caulfield or… Kaitlyn Liao / MC and I’m sitting here in complete darkness just thinking

Wow I wish I had a “best friend” like that.

I’m probably reading too much into these “strong female friendships” but as an actual human being, the only time I’d be invested in someone that much is if I’m hella in love with you– best friend be damned. There’s only so much dedication I can provide for an actual best friend. Granted women tend to be more affectionate with the same sex regardless of gender, but there would always be that invisible distance.

That being said, let’s shift to real life lol

I’ve never reveled in pseudo-flirting with a female best friend. On the rare occasions that I do, I direct them to the bestfriend/s that I don’t have a crush on. I’ve once tried that on someone I did like and I found it uncomfortable… the way she can return the “flirting” effortlessly back at me… You’d think I should be pleased she’s playing along but that’s just the problem: every fiber, brain cell and bone in my body is 100% doubtless that she’s merely playing along. “But how are you even sure–” I am her best friend so I know how straight she is: straight as an arrow. It was such a heartbreaking feeling that it rivals the pain from a breakup (yeah, I was that in love with her).

Unlike being straight and having Perfectly Normal™ straight crushes, there’s always that fixed probability that crush will/can like you back. And unlike religion, you can’t really shove sexuality down someone’s throat. The prospect of being fully aware you never had the chance before you even tried is a jarring feeling.

It’s this curse of mine of having a tendency to fall for a bestfriend in every friend circle I’ve had since high school and I’ve been subjecting myself to martyrdom for never stopping the feeling the moment I realize it. I know I should have for the sake of self-preservation, but sometimes you just can’t help it. I’ve been driven crazy by some of these moments, still sometimes going out of my way for that bff despite being sure she’ll never return my feelings. I’ve never dared confess and I just intentionally ignore my infatuation until eventually it just fades away. 

I’m actually better at charming/ smooth talking girls compared to my abysmal skill in flirting with guys that I somehow just end up intimidating in the end… so sometimes I just wish at least one of the female best friends I like are secretly gay or something haha

I know I keep talking about my gayness, it’s just that I’m only recently “out” as Bi to my parents and I’ve never felt so free before like I can just somewhat comfortably blurt out my gay feelings, it’s so nice finally feeling comfortable in your own skin… god, I’ve been so repressed since high school lol

Okay maybe not all of the f/f pairings I’ve stated above are considered canon (except Korrasami) as some players choices can affect the relationship or both girls just have such a strong bond it’s accidentally /gay/ (see: queerbaiting) and it’s all mainly based off an individual’s personal interpretation.

i punch the wall
til my knuckles are ripped and red
til i (don’t) feel my hands sting 
til the memory of your smile doesn’t hurt me that much 
i punch the sky
til i forget your voice, forget the way you cried 
til i never remember the way that cancer ate at everything that i’ve ever loved about you 
and when you died i screamed at the heavens told them to never take someone from me again
—  fuck cancer and fuck you//sadnessaa