ill throw it at the internet

colossalcryptid  asked:

(1/2) In elementary school, when I was around 9 or 10, I started presenting symptoms of asthma. Hadn't had any issues before then, but one day in gym class I had an asthma attack. It wasn't so severe that it put me in danger, but it was scary (as not being able to breathe tends to be) and prompted the nurse to call my parents. My dad said "she doesn't have asthma" and we went home. The first time I saw a doctor about it at all was when I was 13, and he diagnosed me with an Anxiety Attack

2/2) I was only 13 but I nearly argued with this grown man because I thought that sounded like absolute bullshit. We saw one more doctor after that, I forget if it was my PCP or not, but I was finally Officially diagnosed with asthma after 3 years of being completely untreated and several asthma attacks. Since then I’ve been scared of being brushed off or not taken seriously by doctors, and I’ve watched my friends (all women) deal with being treated poorly or brushed off as well. It’s scary.

It’s god damn terrifying the level of medical neglect that happens to female bodied patients, especially those of us with chronic conditions. When I was home I wet to see my NHS doctor and have started the laborious process of having the diagnosis of “bulimia” and “ednos” removed from my file, because, as I knew all along, I don’t have an eating disorder. 

I do have a problematic relationship with food because it makes me ill due to severe allergies, but I don’t suffer from the other defining characteristics of an eating disorder. But, y’know, I’m a woman, so these issues with food must be purely psychological…why else would they keep me heavily sedated and put me through rehabilitation for 7 years trying to convince me that I was making myself sick, when in actual fact I was going into mild to steadily worsening anaphylalctic shock several times a week for over two decades which was quite literally killing me from the strain on my body…who knew? Not my doctors that’s for sure. They just upped my sedative prescription whenever I complained of more pain and told me sweetly, “it’s just nerves, you need to calm down.” And this wasn’t just one doctor, this was several specialists across the board over many, many years. But they all had one definite trait in common. They were all male. And they were angry that I kept challenging their diagnosis.

They didn’t even offer anti-depressants. Just a sedative. It was literally a case of “shut up and go away you hysterical female”. 

Which isn’t to say it hasn’t happened over here too with private care. 

I presented in the ER with chest pain and not being able to breathe and the attending physician saw “anxiety” in my file (which by the way, has gotten better since I’ve started to get my allergies under control. I’m still fucking nuts, but at least I know I’m sane about it), didn’t bother to do a physical, and prescribed a sleeping pill, while talking over the top of my head to my husband about how “some women can be quite anxious”. I thought ETD was going to murder him with his own stethoscope. But instead he advocated for me and pushed for an EKG, and exam where the doctor put his stethoscope to my chest but didn’t actually listen and said “you’re fine”. The following day my female PCP, in a tower of fury screamed “oh my god I think you’re having an asthma attack, didn’t he listen to your chest?!” and started me on a course of medication. She was wrong about it being asthma, but it was allergies causing my airways to close, so she was closer to the mark than “your wimmin parts are making you hysterical, here is a sedative”. 

Which is why I now bring ETD with me to all new medical appointments. I shouldn’t need my husband there to verify my pain and symptoms, but that’s the way this world of ours works.

When I handed over my US doctor’s diagnosis and treatment plan, the (new) doctor I saw in the UK went ashen, his skin literally went grey the more he kept reading and then he looked up at me and said “why didn’t anyone test you for any of this?!” to which the reply was to smile sweetly like poison and reply, “apparently it was just nerves.”

I thought he was going to throw up when I told him about my teeth problems. I didn’t even get to the part about potential mercury poisoning, I just got to “which was when they did the root canal without anesthesia” and he demanded to know how I could be expected to cope with such pain, to which I glanced again towards my medical file at his fingertips and was able to say with complete honesty: “Practice”. 

I’m 100% convinced if I’d just had a single doctor who listened to me when I was 12 when I said “this is making me throw up”, I wouldn’t be in the situation I am now. Even at 15, if someone had listened to me sobbing “but I’m not making myself throw up I’m not, I’m not I promise” as they put me into a “special wing” in the hospital, I wouldn’t be in the situation I am now. 

But then I’m also 100% certain if I was born with a dick instead of a uterus, none of this would have ever happened. And not because my illness(es) itself doesn’t affect male bodied people. 

But hey ho…can’t be bitter about it…cause then you get all the Positive Thinkers telling you you’re Keeping yourself sick, which, y’know, always nice to be gaslighted by the internet for not being a ray of fucking sunshine they can wank off to for their Positiviity Porn along with “tragic event happens but some fucker makes it about them” and “it could be worse you know”.

Dear Thomas Sanders


This is the story, of three stressed brothers who found peace in a man on a screen.

My name is Lukas, I’m 15 and live in Canada. My little brother Brody is 9, and my other little brother Tevin is 7. We are a trio of Brothers, we hold eachother up and we keep eachother as sane as possible. We haven’t always been a trio of brothers, I used to be their sister. But we are a Trio now, however we are about to become 5 brothers and a sister as our step dad and his three kids ( Logan 9, Grace 5, Aaron 4) and our mom are moving in together at the end of June.

Needless to say as independent/introvert-ish, Internet drove, children, moving in with three extrovert children is going to be extremely stressful. Even a week with them was making all three of us want to throw ourselves into the car and find our own way back home. So this has resulted in my youngest brother Tevin picking up on my anxious and ill-held temper and because of this he has become snappy and angry.

Brody has become very snappy, has lost his verbal filter, and lost his… umf? He’s become a ragdoll compared to his usual bobcat. Desperate to get our connection back and us all back to our usual selves I had put on YouTube. 1 hour into instant play-next, your reacting to old vines video came on and I hadn’t seen my brothers laugh so much and be so interactive in awhile. Since then we get back from school and we gather around the TV connected to our xbox and we will watch and rewatch your videos for hours. I will hear Tevin (7) watching vine compilations of yours in his room before bed, Brody (9) makes as many puns as possible claiming he is Morality.

All I really want to say is thank you so much. You and your videos have made us all a little less stressed and interact with eachother again. Tevin does Disney pranks all the time and he’s becoming a peppy carefree kid again. I’d have to make a whole other roost on how much you’ve helped me.

You are an amazing, creative, supportive, and just an incredible man and we just want to say thank you for sharing your gifts with the world and for just being you basically. It’d be impossible to say how much you’ve helped us, we can’t describe it much but we tried.

In finality, “if Thomas can survive with those 4, we can survive with the other kids” -our view on the moving situation.

Love, the brothers 3

2017.07.12 Entry

Spiritual awakening.

That’s something what I’ve been experiencing in the recent months myself. I have to admit that the first few months I’ve been heavily concerned and anxious, constantly wondering what is wrong with me, why is that I feel like I’m unable to find my ground. I was constantly running in a fear, that I’m overseeing something about myself, that something’s not the same with me. It especially become apparent as I noticed that I grew out of a few things and that I no longer feel towards them the same.  I grew to realize that my body is preparing me for something else, and it’s giving me the signs. Not also that, but and also telling me to look around, look around myself, to understand why is all of that happening. I started to feel complete opposite of myself. I have become more in touch with the universe. 

Just in case if anyone’s wondering, what is Spiritual Awakening, and how do you know that it’s something what you are experiencing. Be prepared that it comes in the various signs and all of them may not apply to you, only a couple of them.

  1. Your sleep hours change. I was used to being a night owl. I could stay up all night and wake up somewhere in the afternoon. But I noticed that my body has found another time. I have become now a morning bird and I go to the bed around 11pm. 
  2. Headaches, temple pressures. Sometimes all out of nowhere you may also find yourself struck with the ideas and can’t stop brainstorming them. It’s as if the second breath and two muses are in a game. You can also feel the vibrations in your ears and somewhere around your head. If you are feeling all of those, don’t be scared. Your Crown chakra is opening. 
  3. Mood swings. You feel like you are on a constant rollercoaster. One second you can feel like you’re tearing up, the next moment you are happy and there’s no worries around you, and the following.. you’re angry about the things and you feel like everything’s going to explode. Sometimes you can also become lonely without any reason and catch yourself thinking “I have everything - why do I feel that way?”. The feelings that you’ve been blocking earlier are now resurfacing into the surface. Let all of them go with the love. Forgive yourself. 
  4. Old problems come back. Perhaps old people as well. Sometimes that can cause confusion. Face them. It’s your uncomplete karma lessons that will keep resurfacing until you’re done with them. You need to cleanse yourself.
  5. Your physical body may begin changing. Your eating habits may become more healthy.
  6. You are more sensitive than ever. It’s just because your sixth sense is opening so you’re open to the energies and also becoming more empathetic towards the people. You may also begin to see auras or lights around people or objects, you may get blurry vision from time to time, dry or itch eyes, or catch glimpses of sparkles. Sometimes you may also hear voices in your head, someone whispering or calling out your name. You can also feel the weird buzzing in your ears, interesting smells or a feeling that someone’s near you. Those are also the signs that are being sent by your guides or guardian angels. Don’t be scared of them. But also make sure that they don’t cross any boundaries. You can also ask for their help in healing.
  7. You begin to watch the world in completely different eyes. You see the love and oneness. You let it all happen the way it’s supposed. You become more forgiving and loving as much as it’s possible for you. Don’t eat yourself from a bad day and remember that tomorrow is the next day and you can make it better. Become more understanding and gentle with yourself.
  8. Be more courageous and don’t be afraid to clean up the old to replace it with the new habits and interests.
  9. You may also begin to spot many signs that you feel are talking to you in some volumes. They’ll be very necessary for you to help your subconscious grow. 
  10. Things may begin synchronize. You may begin to spot the same numbers (11:11, 23:23, 12:12, 13:13, etc.). Look up on the internet to see what kind of a message your angels are sending out. But most of the time it is telling you that you are on the right path. All the people and other synchronizities that you meet on your road are connected to your minds. 
  11. You may also begin to feel the constant growth of your nails and hair. 
  12. At the beginning you may get unreasonable diarrhea, begin throwing up, temperature, your heart pressure or rate may increase. You can also bump into the illnesses from the childhood that you have never completely healed. Hot/cold flashes. Sometimes you may also feel the pressure in your chest area. This is how your body is cleaning.
  13. Your eyes are changing, face color, smell. Your wrinkles may also become less apparent. You may begin to appear younger than you actually are, grow in the height, and it doesn’t matter of how old you are.
  14. Sometimes you can feel the itching or as if the electricity coursing through you into your fingers and palms. You may also find it troubling to touch the things from the metal.
  15. Dreams. You can begin to dream very bright and colorful dreams which make you feel like you are in a real world. You can also dream the deceased beloved ones or completely unknown people/places. Use the journal to write down as much of a dream you can remember and try to connect them to one, and what kind of message your subconscious are informing you of.
  16. You may no longer feel  hungry as much as you used to. You may even feel the need to begin working out or become more physically active. You hardly get tired.
  17. You may be constantly thirsty, feel the need to drink a lot of water. 
  18. Sometimes you feel like nobody can hear you, no one can see you, and that you are isolated/excluded from the group of your friends and family. 
  19. You begin to watch into the world as if you’ve seen it all in the movie before. You know how all of it has begun and how it may all end, but you can’t say anything. 
  20. You know when someone’s lying to you, and when they are not.

We lose our energy when:

  • We say yes, although our insides feel like they’re saying “no”.
  • We’re smiling when we’d rather cry.
  • We’re saying that nothing has happened since we don’t want a conflict instead of explaining things in a rational way.
  • We’re feeling miserable, and we forgot to ask ourselves: “What’s the cause of all this and what’s standing in the way of me being happy?”
  • We’re silently hurting instead of asking the other person of what we expect/want from them.
  • We’re interpreting other person’s actions/words and are silently miserable, instead of asking of what did they have in the mind.
  • We’re spending our time talking about nothing, talking about one behind their back and being disgusted of the politics, educational system, bad personal, instead of remembering something what made us happy.
  • Noticing that there’s nothing left between us and the other in common, but we’re still trying to hold onto them because we’re used to them.
  • We’re trying to pretend to be someone else instead of how we truly are.
  • We have too many expectations.
  • We care more about the other people’s opinions instead of us.
  • We keep people in our lives who constantly blame the others for what’s happening in their world.
  • We talk to the people who are skeptic and don’t believe in us.
  • We’re thinking and talking about other people’s lives instead of our own.
  • Again and again, we constantly talk to everyone of what’s something bad what has happened into our lives and who has hurt us. 
  • Constantly hoping that one day we will feel much happier.
  • We don’t know how to plan the time, we raise unreal expectations ourselves and then we guilt ourselves that we didn’t live to them.
  • We’re constantly eating ourselves when do the same mistakes over and over again, instead of telling ourselves gently that the first 15 years of our lives are the hardest because we’re constantly learning.

We feel more alive when:

  • We talk to the people who share out interests. 
  • We talk to the people who make us look forward to, search about the things, help us broaden our horizons, make our hearts beat faster.
  • We learn something new.
  • We pray in our own words and from the heart.
  • We’re asking help from the universe and looking at the signs.
  • We meditate.
  • We practicing to be more thankful/begin writing a diary of the things that we’re feeling most thankful for.
  • We do a good job unexpectedly, unplanned, spontaneously.
  • We experience something new. 
  • We begin to doubt our own true.
  • We stop comparing ourselves to the others.
  • We no longer care what others may think about us.
  • We read books.
  • We follow our inner voice.
  • We do something what’s completely unusual to us. 
  • We do something creative.
  • We listen to the songs, lectures, movies that inspire us.
  • We stop ourselves saying something negatively and finish it on a more positive note.
  • We look at everything with a humor.
  • We create a comfortable atmosphere, by cleaning our house.
  • We learn how to relax.
  • We practice being here and right now.
  • We spend time in the silence.
  • We accept everything with the happiness.
  • We spend time with the people who encourage, trusts, support and believe in us.
  • We take care of our bodies.
  • We provoke ourselves.
  • We say no when we want to say no, and yes when we feel like saying yes.
  • We openly admit to ourselves when we were wrong before.
  • We practice healthy lifestyle.
31 Days of Ouija Blogs: Day 3- Is the Ouija Board Really Dangerous?

I hear it all the time: Ouija boards are dangerous, and telling people otherwise will only get them hurt, OR WORSE!!

And I answer that with: why are they for sale in toy stores? Why are they owned and manufactured by a toy company? Why have they never been banned? Why have they been in production for 125 years without a single documented incident?

In general, Ouija boards are safe. Just because something is spooky and mysterious doesn’t mean it’s bad and dangerous. But there are some situations where Ouija boards can be dangerous. And I don’t mean dangerous in that “you’re gonna die and be haunted for a billion years” or something like that. I mean in that it could lead to a haunting, which if dealt with the wrong way, could lead to a more severe haunting. 

So let’s break it down. How can a Ouija board be dangerous?

1) If you are under the influence of a mind-altering substance. There’s a case of demonic possession from a Ouija board where a group of teens started seeing shapes and speaking in tongues while writhing on the floor, and called 911 and they all went to the hospital. But guess what? They had all taken shrooms before playing. So of course they were hallucinating and paranoid. If you are not in your right mind, you have no control over what will happen during the game, and having control is very important. Also, say you got drunk before playing the Ouija board, and said all kinds of crazy or mean things to the spirits. You could wake up the next morning to an angry spirit haunting your home, and you have no memory as to why they are mad at you. Please, please do NOT play the Ouija board if you are the under the influence.

2) If you are extremely religious, or grew up in an extremely religious environment. Religion, in my opinion, is a wonderful thing to have in life, but there are some that preach that anything paranormal is evil. Evangelical Christianity, Catholicism, and a few others preach that spirits talking on the Ouija board are actually Satan in disguise, and is trying to tempt anyone who is playing. Obviously, if Ouija boards were a direct line to the Prince of Darkness, they would not be manufactured by a toy company and sold in Toys R Us. You cannot contact demons or Satan with a Ouija board. What you can contact are spirits who can pretend to be demons, especially spirits that go by Zozo or Mama, in order to scare you or to just have a good laugh at your expense. The more fearful you are of demons, the more likely you’ll contact a spirit pretending to be one, just to bully you. And if you grew up in a home that was extremely religious, and the thought that all spirits are demons was hammered into your mind at a young age, you still could have that fear in the back of your mind and could be perfect prey for some troll spirit. On that vein, here’s another situation where there could be an unsafe environment while playing.

3) If you are afraid of Ouija boards. There are two kinds of people in the world. One where, when you tell them your biggest fear is spiders, they understand, and those that learn this and decide to prank you with rubber spiders. Same goes for spirits. There are some that will recognize you are terrified of playing and be nice and sweet and comforting, and others that will seize that opportunity to scare you even more by saying they will kill you or something. 

4) If you have an mental illness/instability that is not being treated. Just like when you’re afraid, spirits could notice when you aren’t mentally healthy and prey on that. Just like Internet trolls, if a mean spirit finds out you’re suicidal, they could tell you to kill yourself, or something like that. If you have PTSD, they could delight in spelling out triggering things for their amusement. This wouldn’t happen every time guaranteed, but it’s a possibility. Of course, if your mental illness is under control, and you feel confident that nothing a spirit can say or do will trigger you,then you’re fine. I’ve certainly played while in a depressed state and nothing happened.

Let me just say now, if you fall into categories 2-4, and you want to play the Ouija board, then by all means play. I get questions almost daily from people that say things like “I’m bipolar, but it’s being treated and I’m taking medication, can I still play?” Of course you can. I’ve also received many messages from people saying I’m ableist for telling people that they shouldn’t play if they’re mentally ill. You can definitely play if you’re mentally ill. I would never tell someone they shouldn’t play unless, of course, they want to play it while under the influence of a mind-altering substance. I always reply with: If you feel confident to play, then play, if not, don’t.

So what exactly are the “Dangers” that could occur with the Ouija board? Let me start with some obvious statements:

-you cannot become possessed through the Ouija board

-you cannot summon demons with the Ouija board

-you cannot die while playing the Ouija board

One of the biggest misconceptions of Ouija board dangers comes from stories that say things like “My friend played and three days later they were in a car accident” or like one famous story said “the Ouija board spelled out FIRE and that day the house caught on fire.” Ouija boards do not cause things like this to happen, and no board game can. I could eat a cheeseburger, go outside, and get hit by a car, does that mean that the cheeseburger caused the accident? No. Causation does not equal correlation. Just because one spooky thing happened before another does not mean that they are related. As for the fire story, maybe the spirit was trying to warn them about a potentially flammable thing in their home. But regardless, playing a board game is not going to cause some scary thing to happen, especially if there’s a big gap of time between playing.

There are two types of dangers that can actually occur from playing. One is a spirit being a jerk and trying to trigger the person into harming themselves or others. Not unlike a schoolyard bully telling their victims to kill themselves, or an Internet troll leaving hate messages in your inbox, spirits too could be awful and say nasty things because they think it’s funny. Which is why I say that if you are mentally ill or unstable, and feel that these kind of messages could trigger you, you might want to reconsider playing. The other danger is a haunting. If you are intentionally mean to a spirit, or say something to offend a spirit, they could get mad and want to get back at you. They do this by scaring you, by flickering lights or throwing things for example. The more scared you are of them, the more power they have, and the greater the damage they can do. It can get to the point where they can leave marks on your skin, like bruises or scratches, or push and shove you. 

There are two things you can do if this happens to you. First, apologize to the spirit for what you did wrong. Second, don’t let it scare you anymore. Tell it to stop, go away, leave you alone, and nothing they can do can scare you. If they try, tell them they are pathetic and are better off leaving. Be as colorful as you want, as long as you genuinely aren’t afraid. The more confident you are, the quicker the spirit will stop. Just remember that living energy is the most powerful in the world, and you are a living energy power plant. Without you, the spirit has nothing. You are more powerful than any spirit will ever be, and they know that. Shut off their power supply, and they can’t do anything to do. 

So to recap, if you are scared, fearful of demons, or struggling with mental illness, take some time to reflect on yourself to see if you are ready to play. If you are confident that your power cannot be abused by any spirit, then play. If you are under the influence and want to trash talk some spirits, do not play. 

For more information, check out my posts on spooky things spirits can do to scare you with the planchette, how to say goodbye so you won’t accidentally offend a spirit, and how to tell if you’re actually being haunted after you play.

Tomorrow we’ll talk more about the belief that demons are Ouija board masters, and about our good friend Zozo.

What We Could Have Been: The Clone Wars

The second installment of the Obidala AU I posted like 2 months ago.

Episodes 1&2

The Clone Wars happen.  Obi-Wan is a general fighting a war, Padme is a senator trying to end a war.  It’s rare that they’re on the same planet at the same time, but they still write send each other letter-style messages - both because a written message is easier to hide than a verbal one, and also because it reminds both of them of happier times.  They steal moments when they’re both on Coruscant at the same time - stolen kisses when Obi-Wan comes by Padme’s chambers to give her updates on the war, a tender glance in an abandoned corridor, a hand squeeze under the table at a formal banquet or negotiation.  And the best of all, when they have a moment to themselves, and they can simply talk - Padme can share her concerns about the war never seeming to end, Obi-Wan can talk about the growing darkness in the Force, and about his worry for Anakin…or they can talk about the shiny who just joined the 212th who, for whatever unknown reason, had adopted some sort of six-legged furry animal from the last planet they were on and the little girl who stopped Padme in the hall to give her a flower.  They talk about the horrible things and the good things, the ordinary and the extraordinary.  The war is long long and hard, and they know that each meeting could be their last.  But for now, they have each other, and it makes the war bearable.  

Unlike Anakin, Obi-Wan is capable of being subtle.  As far as the rest of the galaxy is concerned, Obi-Wan and Padme are nothing more than friends.  Anakin especially has no idea - he couldn’t fathom the idea of his master, the man he always sees as the perfect Jedi, having emotions that are so close to forbidden attachment.  Anakin himself is still in love with Padme; he has been since he laid eyes on her just before the Clone Wars started.  But he knows that Padme doesn’t have feelings for him in return, and with a war going on and a padawan to train, he doesn’t have time to pine over love that wilr work out.  So he buries those feelings deep, deep within himself and ignores them, for the most part.  

And so the war goes on.  Bills are ratified in the Senate, bills are shot down, and the war goes on for Padme.  Battles are won, battles are lost, clones die and are replaced.  Ahsoka is accused of a crime she didn’t commit, and she leaves the Order.  And still the war drags on, and on, and on, and it feels like nothing will ever change.

And then Anakin gets the news that Obi-Wan’s ship was shot down en route to his latest assignment.  They’re scanning for survivors, but they don’t think it was possible for anyone to survive that explosion.  

Anakin’s first thought is that he would have felt it if Obi-Wan was killed, but…..Obi-Wan was in the Outer Rim on the other side of the galaxy - about as far away from Coruscant as you can get.  At that distance….he might not have felt it - he hasn’t been able to sense Obi-Wan for weeks.   And it’s the uncertainty that’s killing him and the idea that he should have felt it, he should have been there, he should have done something….in summary: Anakin is a mess.  Palpatine appears in Anakin’s chambers to try to turn the situation to his advantage, but after about five minutes it’s pretty clear that Anakin isn’t hearing a word he’s saying and that the manipulation is going to have to wait for another time.  So he goes with plan B: he gives Anakin an expensive bottle of Corellian brandy “in honor of Obi-Wan.”  Anakin is too distraught to question the fact that the Supreme Chancellor just suggested he drown his sorrows in alcohol.  Eventually, because he can’t handle this alone anymore, Anakin shows up at Padme’s door with the bottle of brandy - he doesn’t know the full extent of Padme’s relationship with Obi-Wan, but he knows the two of them are close enough that Padme’s probably the only person who will both understand him and not scold him for letting his emotions take control of him.  Padme looks as bad as he feels when she opens the door, and without a word she takes the bottle and pours them each a glass.  Because she’s also worried out of her mind - she doesn’t know if the man she loves is alive or dead, and she knows that the next day she’ll have to go out and act as though nothing is wrong, even though she is dying inside for fear that Obi-Wan is dead.  One glass leads to another, and another….basically, both Anakin and Padme get drunk out of their minds because neither of them can handle the levels of emotion they’re dealing with at the moment.  

What neither of them knows, however, is that Palpatine knows that Obi-Wan Kenobi is not dead, but imprisoned in a Separatist colony in the Outer Rim after his escape pod was captured.  He knows that Kenobi won’t stay missing for long, but if he can use the opportunity of Kenobi’s absence to drive a wedge between Kenobi and Anakin….and what better way to do that than with the irritating senator, who managed to capture the hearts of both the Jedi?  He knows about Anakin’s feelings because Anakin’s confined in him, and he knows about Padme and Obi-Wan’s relationship because of his frankly excellent spy network.  Palpatine knows that Anakin won’t be able to resist turning to Padme to help him cope with Obi-Wan’s supposed death, so he laces with a lust-inducing drug.  Hopefully, Kenobi discovering his former Padawan is having an affair with the woman he loves will be enough to destroy the friendship between the two men, leaving Anakin even more susceptible to Palpatine’s manipulations.  

So Anakin and Padme are not only drunk beyond all belief, but they’ve also been dosed with a lust drug.  Also, Anakin’s never been able to hold his liquor that well, and his grip on the Force is….shaky at best at the moment.  Specifically, it means that without knowing it, he’s projecting his emotions like crazy onto anyone in the general area (which happens to be Padme), and as a result of the drug, the fact that he’s in love with Padme is at the forefront of his mind.  Normally, this would be nothing more than an embarrassing revelation, but because Padme is similarly drunk out of her mind, she’s not in a state to realize that those emotions aren’t her own.  The fact that she was also dosed with the lust drug isn’t helping either.  So with the combination of alcohol, the drug, and Anakin’s emotions affecting both of them… thing leads to another and when Padme wakes up the next morning in bed with a naked Anakin Skywalker, her first thought is what have I done.  She runs to the refresher, and puts on some clothes - any clothes, Senatorial dignity be damned - and practically runs out of the apartment.  

Anakin wakes up about half an hour later, and his first thoughts are similar to Padme’s.  Yes, he’s in love with Padme, but he never wanted it to be like this - not when both of them were drunk, and not while Obi-Wan is…..Anakin can’t even think about it.  He gets dressed and, once he can sense that the hallway’s clear, slips out.  

It is important to note, however, that Anakin has no idea he was projecting his emotions the night before.  He thinks that the love he sensed from Padme last night was real - he has no idea that it was, in actuality, his own emotion mirrored back at him.  So in some small part of his mind (the very tiny part that isn’t filled with regret and shame and worry for Obi-Wan) there’s the hope that maybe, someday, the two of them can happen the right way.

Obi-Wan makes his escape from the Separatists.  He steals a ship, and as soon as he’s safely away and able to access a comm, he sends two messages: a coded message to the Jedi council detailing where he was and that he escaped, and a message of two words - I’m alive - to Padme.  Padme is in the middle of a Senate meeting when she gets the message, and she has to leave so that she can sob in relief without disgracing herself.  But after the pure, indescribable relief and joy that Obi-Wan isn’t dead comes dread.  How is she going to face Obi-Wan after what she did with Anakin? The one line that the two of them never had crossed, never could cross - and she crossed it with his former apprentice.  She doesn’t know what she’s going to say to him. He’s alive, she tells herself.  He’s alive, and that’s all that matters.  And mostly, she believes it, because words cannot describe her joy that the love of her life is alive.  But still, a small part of her worries.  

And then Obi-Wan is home, and he’s bruised and scarred but not broken, not broken and wonderfully alive.  As soon as he’s able, he finds himself in Padme’s chambers, and she’s in his arms, weeping from relief and shame and love.  He can tell something’s wrong as soon as he sees her - he knows her Force signature like he knows his own name - and the truth pours out from her lips between sobs.  And it’s a knife in Obi-Wan’s side to hear the words - imagining Padme with the man who’s like his son, like his brother makes him feel like he can’t breath.  But Padme is sobbing into his chest, and he can feel the regret and self-loathing pouring off of her in waves, and he knows to the depths of his soul that there’s nothing she could ever do that would make him stop loving her.  And so he holds her, and tells her he’s here, and he’s safe, and it will be alright.  

Obi-Wan falls asleep in Padme’s chambers that night, his head in her lap as she runs her fingers through his hair.  And for that moment, just for that one moment, they are at peace.  As things so often are before a storm comes and changes everything.

bulimia isn’t a long haired pretty girl bending over a toilet with a tragically beautiful face on. it’s a puffed up miserable face with vomit dripping from it’s chin and a fucking nose bleed. anorexia isn’t a slim figure shyly refusing a cupcake. it’s hair growing over your freezing malnourished body. depression isn’t a model with running mascara staring into a sunset. it’s staring at the fucking ceiling at four in the morning with burning eyes because you can’t even find the motivation to close them. self harm isn’t lovely boys kissing your arms and telling you that you’re still beautiful. it’s nasty scars that will be there forever and showers that fucking sting. panic attacks aren’t burying your face in your lovers chest and them telling you it’s going to be okay. it’s feeling out of control and like all of the oxygen has been taken out of you and crying so hard you throw up. mental illnesses are NOT beautiful. they don’t make you special, or make people suddenly care about you. they’re monsters that destroy lives. stop taking them lightly and promoting them to impressionable teenagers on the damn internet.

This is a follow up to the viral TFiOS themed post of mine that came out around this time last year. Apparently it’s going around again, I just wanted to let you know that John Green has indeed seen it. When I met him he remembered me from it and I don’t think I’ll ever forget that day, oh my goodness. Thank you lots, internet. Alright here we go:

Dear universe,

I’m stronger now. My health may have spiraled down worse than I could have imagined this time last year when that post of me clutching TFiOS so close in the clinic, but I am powerful. Life can throw something at me and I will throw my own twist right back.

I am knowledgeable, sometimes more so than my past doctors. There are too many bad doctors. I’m going to become a medical professional someday and illness won’t stop me.

I am greater than the stigma. I walk with my cane and my PICC out, on bad days, my wheelchair for all to see. Rude reactions simply get educated, because that is the only excuse for promoting such a thing.

I am determined. Society is so ableist, and I am going to change it. I am going to put everything I’ve got in me towards changing it.

I am trying my best to make this life easier for everyone fellow person with chronic illness that I meet. No one deserves to have a life rough and ill. I will support you to no end; I will hug you as tightly as I can. I lead a nerdfighter support group with such beautiful people. We are the greatest support system I’ve ever seen. Together we can take on anything.

TFiOS was a beginning to this story and I don’t know where I’d have been without it. The page turned, and things sometimes get worse, but we can do it.

We can do anything with help.

I don’t do this alone. Thanks for helping me.

Be aware of invisible illness and disability no matter how rare, no matter every doubt left in your mind. It’s very real for more people than you could ever imagine. Never speak the words “you don’t look sick.”

Never trivialize a struggle. Be a listening ear and a helping hand. Educate yourself and the people around you. Support. Hug. Hold people close, don’t walk away.

And my dear fellow spoonies, we’re putting up this fight together. You’ve got this. I’m here for you.

With love and strength and many spoons, 


*spreads Dysautonomia and Ehlers Danlos awareness all around*

recently ive been seeing a lot of posts about BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and some of these posts really worry me bc they can lead to self-diagnosing….as someone who was diagnosed with BPD i beg of you, please do not self-diagnose BPD. or any personality disorder for that matter. there are a lot of young people on this page, and reading a list of signs and symptoms like the ones for BPD can easily make you think ‘OH THIS APPLIES TO ME I HAVE FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING I CAN RELATE TO’

im in no way saying that whatever it is youre going through and what youre feeling is invalid, but self-diagnosis is dangerous bc it makes an actual diagnosis more difficult. and for personality disorders like BPD it already is very difficult (mostly bc PDs overlap with other mental illnesses or each other) you see something on the internet and bc you feel like you have the need to have something to relate to, a name for the way you’re feeling, you latch on to it bc you can identify with it. and that can influence you when you eventually talk to a therapist or doctor and you can either unintentionally or intentionally lead them to that diagnosis. and getting a wrong diagnosis means you will get the wrong treatment, the wrong kind of therapy, possibly the wrong kind of medication.

i was misdiagnosed twice by some psychiatrists who didnt even know me, who thought standard testing (me ticking some boxes) would provide all the answers. they talked to my mom about it (even though thats completely not okay to do when diagnosing especially since i wasnt a minor at the time) and bc my mom (who is a social worker and knows about mental illness) didnt ‘like’ the possibility of me having a personality disorder, she mislead the psychiatrists with her portrayal of my behavior (which she couldnt even know since i didn’t live with her anymore and she only knew my behavior from my visits, where i would pretend everything was fine) as it turned out, they also misdiagnosed me based on misinformation they had about my past.

only after being in rehab for weeks, having several different kinds of therapies, and talking to the same therapists over weeks in different settings, them observing me in different situations, them basically being part of my daily life for 8 weeks, i was able to get a proper diagnosis

im not saying that every case of BPD is hard to diagnose or requires that type of observation, therapy, etc. to diagnose. sometimes its very obvious, and sometimes you just know. im also not saying that if you went through standard testing and were diagnosed with BPD that its a misdiagnosis. i just wanted to tell you that it is something that happens. and that it happened to me and thats why im making this post.

but please be careful with self-diagnosing and please, if you think you have BPD, or any other personality disorder/mental illness/issue, talk to someone about it. dont go hunting for tumblr posts about it. dont ask strangers on the internet ‘hey, this and that has been going on, do you think i have BPD/depression/anxiety/etc’ im not discrediting people with BPD on tumblr, people who decide to make posts about BPD (right now im one of them) all im saying is, be careful.

and please dont treat BPD as the ‘mental illness flavor of the month’. its not a trend. its not something you just throw out there like some ppl do with depression or anxiety. dont go around saying you have BPD or use the phrase ‘that is so BPD of me’ just bc a few symptoms fit. it is extremely upsetting to ppl who actually have it and it can be a trigger to them. i know how important it is to have a diagnosis, that it can help. therefore its so important that you have the right one. 

(note that i know this is not only relevant to BPD but any mental illness, or illness in general, and you should always be cautious of self-diagnosing. also pls note that even though i am diagnosed with it, im not an expert. i can only speak for myself and how i experience BPD and even that is difficult sometimes)

thanks for listening

A word on Anders, mages, and ableism.

“Anders is not mentally ill! Mages are not mentally ill! Mages are not an allegory for mental illness! You are being ableist by suggesting that they are!

I’ve heard this before. I’m sure everybody in the tumblr DA fanbase has heard this all before, in some form, from other members of the fanbase. And maybe the folks that like to hammer this in are right. Maybe mages are not an allegory for mental illness, at least not in the way that elves are an intentional allegory to indigenous and Jewish peoples.

But you know what? That doesn’t matter.

I am a certified, card-carrying Mentally Ill Person, and I strongly identify with Anders, and with rebel circle mages in general. I have experienced ableism, multiple involuntary hospitalizations, and long-term institutionalization. I have been taken from my home, placed into a locked facility, unable to call or have my family visit unless I behaved to my doctor’s standards, once for an entire 8 month stretch. I was not allowed any right to privacy. I was not allowed outside. Friends were not allowed to visit. I was not allowed a cell phone, or internet connection, and television was limited to children’s programing and PG films. I was completely cut off from the outside world for months. I live under constant threat of being deemed incapable of caring for myself and having this happen to me again.

And these experiences have a direct relation to why I identify with characters like Anders. And I don’t think it’s very hard to see why.

And I do not appreciate being told that I, a mentally ill individual, that has experienced mental health related stigma and ableism for the majority of my teen and adult life, am being accused of ableism for loving and identifying with a character whose experiences I see as mirroring my own, however questionably portrayed they may be.

I also do not appreciate feeling as though I had to share this deeply personal and private information with complete strangers on the internet just to simply be allowed to enjoy the characters that I love in peace.

I am asking this fandom to please stop and think before you start throwing out accusations of ableism. You do not know everyone’s story, nor are you entitled to know. No mentally ill person should feel the need to disclose their illness to strangers, especially when it comes to minors under 18. It can be distressing, hurtful, and unsafe to demand that a person disclose ANY personal information that they don’t want to.

And if you are a mentally ill person that does not identify with or enjoy Anders and/or mages, that is fine. You are free to like and dislike whichever characters you choose, for any reasons you choose, and do so free from hate and harassment. Just please allow me and others like me that same respect.

There’s a lot of :“don’t shame one to make the other feel better” posts submitted here, but I have one that I think might actually be unpopular.

I think fat people (girls specifically) are catered to way more than thin people. That’s right, fat people have it easier.

When someone doesn’t want to date a fat girl, they’re called fatphobic and shallow.

When someone doesn’t want to date a thin person, nobody cares.

When fat people feel bad about themselves, people coddle them and tell them how real they are and how they don’t need to be a size 0 to feel beautiful.

If a fat person posts a picture in a bikini, they’re considered “Real” and “Beautiful” and “Curvy”

When a thin person posts a  picture in that same bikini, “Girl you need to put some meat on those bones” “You’re so skinny” “eat a cheeseburger”

Especially when that thin person WORKED to be thin, they went to the gym. they stopped eating taco bell. They worked hard to be healthy and people are still shaming them in favor of the girls who sit around coughing up chicken bones and gurgling “maah cuuurvesss” all day.

We have constant graphics being shoved at us about how being fat is ultimately more attractive than being thin, how being thin is unrealistic, how anyone who is attracted to thin people is shallow.

“BUT BUT BUT ALL MODELS ARE SKINNY SO SKINNY GIRLS KNOW THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL TOO!” Yeah? what about skinny girls who are short? skinny girls with narrow waists but large breasts? skinny girls who don’t have perfectly flat stomachs but long thin legs? There are so many different types of thin that not everyone can relate to those models. It doesn’t help that we are constantly stuck in this stage of not being fat enough to be a real woman and still not looking like a victoria’s secret model.

“BUT THEY ACTUALLY MAKE CLOTHES TO FIT SKINNY GIRLS! FAT GIRLS HAVE TO SHOP AT PLACES LIKE TORRID!” See my previous point about how not every thin body is the same. A skinny girl could be short with a large round butt, maybe she can’t find jeans that aren’t too tight but not too long? A skinny girl could be tall with no butt, maybe she can’t find pants that aren’t too loose but still long enough? what about the thin girl with large breasts and an extremely narrow waist? wouldn’t it be nice if she could find a shirt that was big enough for her breasts but didn’t look like a maternity shirt in the stomach? Skinny people don’t have stores specifically for them (unlike fat girls) and most of those stores also carry plus sized clothing. Fat girls don’t get kicked out of stores like Wet Seal because they’re not skinny enough to shop there. My very thin co-worker was christmas shopping at a plus size store for her size 16 mother who said she really wanted a shirt she saw there, so of course my co-worker went to shop for it. Upon walking in, the sales associate confronted her at the door and said “Sorry, but we don’t carry your size. This store is for women with more realistic bodies” but instead of calling HR and reporting the store, my co-worker ordered the shirt for her mother because she knew how badly she wanted it. Do you know how much of a tantrum a fat girl would throw if the same thing happened to them?

Skinny people get accused of being mentally ill simply because of the way they look. Fat girls MIGHT get called lazy but guess what? there’s a million people jumping in to defend them. If a fat girl feels insecure about her body, all she has to do is get on the internet and find one of the many pictures like the one I used as an example. What do skinny people have when they feel bad about themselves? a picture of Adriana Lima? guess what comes with that picture though? Comments from fat people talking about how ugly it is to be thin.

So no, if you’re fat I don’t feel sorry for you. You should be happy that you live in a time where obesity reigns supreme and its considered taboo to not be attracted to you. If thin people were really glorified, the picture I used would not exist.

Hey babes, 

‘I’m going on a cruise and then to the island next week so I won’t be able to post anything (no internet and stuff), but in the down time I like to draw a bit so I’m taking heaps of requests to last me a week and then Ill just post all the stuff when I get home. 

Seriously, just send me all your head canons and requests, don’t scared to flood me,my inbox is already a mess. Organisation is dead on this blog. 

You can add my snap chat: Animatedpint   if you wanna see my brothers get drunk and throw each other of the ship or some shitty Australian sunsets. ♥ 



Me and my mother have been in an abusive situation for most of my life but just recently we just got out. Things were fine until i started noticing the abusive behavior that my father did to my mom come back to me.

She began having aggresive mood swings towards me and would refuse to listen to anything i said, she began to yell in my face frequently and insult me. She has become very emotionally manipulative and makes me feel crazy much like my dad used to.

TOnight it went to far.

I got into an argument with my younger sister when my mom left somewhere, i took my sisters phone away so she wouldn’t call the police on ME like she threatened to. Then she pulled a knife on me. She then insulted me to the point of tears and i called my mom for help.

My mom yelled at me ans screamed at me on the phone until i was bawling in the back yard, she threatened to beat the shit out of me when she got home then take away everything. She yelled so many other things that i cant relay because i am trying to type quitely. Then when she gets home we argue and she slaps me hard then yells at me to get in bed, when i do get in bed she yells at me more, mock my crying and hits me again. I have an asthma attack again and she throws me to the ground when she finally realizes it may be serious, she then puts all of her weight on me and i start to convulse ont he floor, she gets up insults some more and leaves.

Things only get worse as i end up in the bathroom cornered with her and my younger sister mocking me and telling me it’s because of the internet. She won’t acknowledge anything and is extremely emotionally manipulative. Then she hits me in the face so hard i see stars. I cannot be abused like this again, im ill when i think about this going on some more and what shell do tomorrow.

She told me i wont leave but i will, i cannot stay.

If you are in madisonville or mandeville and are willing to let me stay for one night to three nights please contact me. I am 15 years old  and i got Mandeville high. I would appreciate it if you did not get authorities involved it will make things worse.

you can email me at come or message me.

please help

Depression on Trend?

In this day of age, people tend to seek attention using their emotional problems.  Internet and social media have been their tool. These tools give leeway to a number of disturbing trends among masses, compelling them to lean towards a similar behavioral pattern to keep up with an equally ignorant crowd. People are ceaselessly throwing words like anxiety, depression, introvert and etc saying that they are or they have one. This casual use of words related to serious mental illnesses as supplements for temporary feelings of worry or sadness are common today. They are common because people use superlatives and exaggerations to make a point and to be taken more seriously

I personally don’t understand what’s up with the craze of romanticizing and sugar-coating depression and other mental illnesses. Basically, I’m ranting about those people who think being or acting miserable is a good thing. People who did nothing but to act suicidal on social media but tend to be much happier in real life. I prefer this action to be called as “pathetic”. Just because depression has been a whole nation problem or most teens are suffering from it doesn’t mean you need to act like you’re having it just to go with the trend.

Depression is not something you normally feel when you don’t get what you want, you don’t have the latest iPhone just like your friends, you can’t buy something you really want and some other situations. There’s a thin line between depression and sadness. Depression involves a chemical imbalance in your brain that makes being happy very difficult. It is like a heaviness that you can’t ever escape. It crushes down on you, making even the smallest things like tying your shoes or chewing on toast seems like a twenty-mile hike uphill.

I demand and yearn for people to express what or who they truly are. They don’t need to be blinded by the trend. We don’t need to be on the trend just to fit in and be able to live in this crucial world. And definitely, depression is not a thing that should be put on a trend just to intimidate people to romanticize their sadness or what they call their depression, lol. Instead of romanticizing this problem even though we don’t really have it, let’s just help those who are suffering from it and easing what they feel by showing kindness and making them feel loved.

If we want to live in a world that is kinder and happier, the way to do it is not to start a trend of creating a mental illness where it doesn’t exist, and pop

*Wondering why you aren’t good enough isn’t fun. Speculating whether or not your family even loves you because of your mental state isn’t a cool activity. Hating yourself and everything that you are isn’t romantic. 😊 *


I’m currently obsessed with Mexico

Once again the World Cup has me glued to the TV. I don’t know what it is about it but you can find me with a cold beer in hand watching the games, the after-shows, and tuning in to Sports Center on ESPN. I know all the stats, the main players (more like, the hot players), and surely I have made bets on who’s going to win. My knowledge extends to the point that I can hold a conversation with a total stranger about the subject and not sound dumb. I’m basically every guys dream.

As I watched Mexico play it’s third match against Croatia I confirmed my love for that country. Sure the Croatian coach was super dreamy but I mean, El Piojo Herrera has my heart:

He’s basically breaking Google. And to think that he’s the worst paid coach in the World Cup, he deserves a raise - and a nutritionist.

There are no soccer fans like Mexican fans. Whether they started saving since the last World Cup ended or if they put everything they had including their dog as collateral, they somehow managed to gather at least $35,000 dollars to be there, and they sure know how to enjoy themselves and make it be worth it.

What I love is seeing the fans dressed up in all these different costumes. Here is Frida Kahlo:

Here is your typical mariachi riding his pony:

Here is your Aztec/Mayan/Whatever:

Here is your more average fan who doesn’t mind showing off his figure with the tight Mexican shirt:

Their chanting is so loud that even the FIFA had to open an investigation. The word in question: PUTO. This is the word you would beg your Spanish teacher in middle school to teach you. It’s direct meaning means “gay” but it’s not used in that context whatsoever - it’s not making an attack on anyone’s sexual preference as the FIFA wants to make it seem like. I guess you just use it as much as you use “fuck” in America. The FIFA finally had to shut up and give fans a break. Instead of making people stop using it, now it’s even more popular than before: eeeeeeeeeeh putooo

It’s popular at bars/clubs for no apparent reason:

It just makes people happy:

Even Jelavic from Croatia said it to Mexico’s captain Marquez (btw, how cute is Marquez?):

Back at home games are streamed at the office, cantinas are full of fans drinking at 11am because why not, and afterwards they take the streets like maniacs:

Forget Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, Rich Kids of Mexico City have nothing on them - and took the street to prove it. A bunch of rich kids closed down a turning circle with police authorization to drink on the streets, blast music, and just celebrate. Of course, their bodyguards were there too making sure no one with ill intentions would approach them. Invite me to your street party next time.

Apparently, even Mexico’s Uber is festive:

The truth is their goalkeeper is bananas - if Mexico is where it is today, its mostly thanks to him. Also the internet noted that Memo Ochoa is basically Ted Mosby from HIMYM:

But really, have you seen the way his hair moves? If his agent hasn’t booked him a shampoo deal yet, he should get fired.

Tip: straighten your hair next time just to throw off the other team ;)

And well, when it comes to fashion…they’re wearing Ermenegildo Zegna.


in case anyone’s unaware

Edit: will people adding their own solo stories please include receipts? links, scs, you name it -but pls don’t let these people say this is all just “rumors” or biased or some bullshit.

solo “whore whore whore etc.” ontherocks, knowing full well that I live in a racist dumpster town and that I was pissing off the white supremacists of pagan tumblr, posted my location publicly in an attempt to intimidate me into not arguing with them anymore


on my 18th birthday

which means they were intentionally waiting for me to turn 18 so it wouldn’t be illegal or quite as “frowned upon”, as well as stalking my main blog to see me post about how my bday was coming up.

and i’ve waited this long to speak up about it because I knew full well that if i spoke out about it before tumblr added the feature to keep people off of other people’s blogs who don’t want you there, Pagan Voldy was gonna go harass other tumblr kemetics and claim that “we started it :)”

this person isn’t “mean” or even just a “bully”, this person is willing to throw mentally ill 18 year olds under the bus and put them in physical danger to win an internet argument….all the while intentionally trying to goad me into continuing to argue with them, might I add (and don’t tell me i’m not in physical danger from white supremacists in my area. please. i grew up around Neo-Nazis, don’t do that to yourself).

luckily for me i’ve been a poor-as-fuck, delinquent, radical activist for about 3 years now, and i know how to take care of myself and take precautions…….but y’all still have the right to know what variety of garbage is in your community, because it honestly seems like the only ones paying attention to Voldy right now are their fans who will literally go along with anything this person does or says.

It makes me really sad that people seem to think it’s acceptable to throw around “seems like you may have a mental illness” as an insult these days. It’s even worse when those words are being used to intentionally make another person feel badly about themselves when we have no idea what they may have gone through in the past or are currently going through.

Believing in love doesn’t make you mentally ill. Coming online to blog and tweet and escape the drama or occasional crap in your real life doesn’t make you mentally ill. Shipping two people together and believing they are actually a couple doesn’t make you mentally ill. Making connections and friends online and sharing the same viewpoints with them doesn’t make you mentally ill.

As a person who has lived with anxiety and depression, who has had to go to therapy and be medicated for those issues in the past, it’s just so offensive. Living with a real mental illness is hard. It’s scary. It’s lonely. And when you’re able to manage it and defeat it, it’s the best feeling in the world.

It’s easy to be mean and vile on the Internet when you can be anonymous. So next time you decide to throw around the term “mentally ill” like it’s something that should wound and embarrass people, please think twice. You’re stigmatizing and harming millions of people. And whether you’re a shipper or not, basic human decency calls for better behavior than that. And unless you’re a licensed psychiatrist, psychologist, or mental health therapist, with a real human being sitting in front of you with your DSM in your lap, you cannot diagnose someone. So stop. And be a better person.