ill never miss you

I’m losing my fucking mind over you.
I still love you.
And, without lying to myself, I think I always will.
—  Nicole Torres // excerpt from a book I’ll never write; E.M //

I wanna know what it’s like to dive straight off a roof and into my grave.

I wanna know what’s it’s like to sink to the very bottom of the ocean and be where the sun can’t reach.

I wanna know what it’s like to be in the night sky and be surrounded by stars I can’t reach.

I wanna know if you would notice me leaving.

—  excerpt from a book I’ll never write #37 // @loveactivist

“I miss the girl I used to be; like her eyes that spoke of innocence and her mind that was full of wonder.But of all things , I miss her heart the most. The heart that loved ferociously without a hint of fear.A heart that loved so greatly the universe could burst in tears. How pure and unblemished. For she was a girl who has never been hurt. Carrying a heart that was pure love to the fullest sense. How I wish I could love that way again.”

I am not the kind of girl
That people fall in love with
My smile doesn’t melt hearts
Or create butterflies
No one sees me and thinks
“Wow, isn’t she something?”
And when I smile I hope he’s watching
And I hope that it’ll change
And maybe he’ll see that I’m happy
And want to make me feel that everyday
And maybe he’ll fall for my smile
The same way I fell for his
But when I laugh he just laughs at me
And how my eyes squint different shapes when I smile
And my face falls just a little
Just enough that he won’t notice
And my blue eyes lose a bit of their sparkle
But it’s not like he’ll even see
Because his eyes are falling in love with someone else
His eyes that obliviously hold my whole sky
Are gazing at her
And my eyes are a river
Flooding out every night
And never quite as full as they once were
—  Unrequited Love
part of me is mad that i wrote you into my stories. because i can no longer read them without falling in love, and breaking my heart at the same time. but part of me is so glad i did. because it reminds of how beautiful our love was, even if it destroyed me.
—  i still miss you

It’s strange, yknow, because everything in my life usually feels wrong.

But you’ve never felt wrong to me.

—  Nicole Torres

its been so long but im still trying to figure out how you could go from “i love you” to “i don’t care about you anymore” in such a short amount of time

i. i hope one day you miss me
i hope one day you wake up and it kills you that you didn’t try harder
that you didn’t love me more
that you didn’t give me what i deserved
that you let me go
ii. i want you to feel it in your blood
remember that time i kissed you and everything seemed okay for a little while?
hold onto that memory
don’t let it go
iii. remember how it felt to hold my hand when she’s in your arms and feel like you’re reaching for me through her
realize no one will ever give you that in your face, in your hair, in your bones kind of love the way that i did
understand that when we were 15 i would’ve given you the world and then some but we’re older now and i will never give you anything again
iv. i built our future in my head and you burned it to the ground when you left
i managed to save a few good memories that still make me smile but i get heartburn every time i think of the times i let you touch me
i promise ill never think of you again as long as you miss me every once in a while
v. i cried for you every night but i don’t think you ever shed a tear for me
that time you told me you didn’t think you’d make it through the year i had an anxiety attack and couldn’t stop shaking but i tried to be calm
i tried to enjoy the time we had together if it was going to come to an end
you never told me we didn’t have any time because she was on the other end of the line and i never told you that i loved you because i knew you’d never really love me back so i guess we’re both at fault here
—  teenage love stories
Although I’ve moved on, I still think about you sometimes and how I wish I could call you and tell you all the things I never had the chance to say. Or maybe I did have the chance, I just never took it. I don’t know. I hope that you are filled with excitement and passion. I hope that you are more motivated, hard-working, sensible, and most of all, content with the person you are growing into. I’m sure your plans for life have changed since you last told me all about them, but plans don’t ever work out the way you want them to. Ours didn’t. So wherever, however, and whoever you end up being, I hope you are bubbling with excitement, sick with passion, consumed by hope, motivated by fear, stronger than pain, and your heart pulses with joy.
—  Everything I Never Said
You can feel shattered, all you want.

But someone, at some point, is going to pick up that glass.
They’re going to dive in with bare hands, and ignore the stinging cuts.
They’re going to put your uneven form back together, with uneven pieces.

They’re going to look at you, and see absolutely nothing wrong.

—  Nicole Torres // Don’t Run Away From That

We lie about our feelings because it is so much harder to admit the truth in this cold, cold world.

it fucks me up because i cant think anymore. i cant say words without remembering a conversation we had. i cant walk to english class without remembering you kissed me downstairs. i cant listen to a song without remembering you played it for me on the piano. i cant look at a fucking tree without remembering we said we were going to plant thousands of them together one day. i cant do anything, without remembering you.
—  because that’s all i can do now, is remember you.
My thoughts of you are stupidly persistent.
—  Nicole Torres :
You drove me insane but at the same time, you were the only thing that kept me sane
—  It’s been 124 days
You should really stop that.

I look over at her, quizzical.
She points to the cigarette dangling from my mouth and gives me the basic line that everyone says to a smoker.
It’s not healthy.

I could stop smoking at any given moment, yknow.” As I crush the supposed “cancer stick” to the dirt, resisting the urge of an eye-roll.
She’s watching me, obviously waiting for an explanation.
God, why does she care? No one ever has before.

It wouldn’t be hard, I mean, I’m not addicted or anything.

She laughs and suddenly I’m trying to ignore how good it sounds. “Isn’t that what all addicts say?

I’m serious.” Judging by the look on her face, I know that wasn’t the answer she wanted.. so I stopped sugar coating it.

I just don’t stop because I’d rather kill myself in a way that’s more..socially accepted. People don’t notice as much- they call me a smoker, not suicidal. I like it that way.
—  Nicole Torres // Cigarette Daydreams Excerpt
and when we look back on this 20 years from now, i hope you realize it was me fighting to not loose you while you just sat there and watched me bleed.
—  i fought with everything i had and you did nothing.

“If I don’t become a world champion, I’d be happy even if I died trying.” - Jules

  Today, it is 2 years since we lost a very talented driver Jules Bianchi. I think he’ll stay in our hearts forever (Like many others).  I’ll light up a candle and remember that joyful smile, warm and beautiful eyes and how kind and talented person Jules was.

And always will be.

“ The ones that love us, never really leaves us.“  And I believe you’re still with us, champion. 

3.8 1989- 17.7 2015