I am not the kind of girl
That people fall in love with
My smile doesn’t melt hearts
Or create butterflies
No one sees me and thinks
“Wow, isn’t she something?”
And when I smile I hope he’s watching
And I hope that it’ll change
And maybe he’ll see that I’m happy
And want to make me feel that everyday
And maybe he’ll fall for my smile
The same way I fell for his
But when I laugh he just laughs at me
And how my eyes squint different shapes when I smile
And my face falls just a little
Just enough that he won’t notice
And my blue eyes lose a bit of their sparkle
But it’s not like he’ll even see
Because his eyes are falling in love with someone else
His eyes that obliviously hold my whole sky
Are gazing at her
And my eyes are a river
Flooding out every night
And never quite as full as they once were
part of me is mad that i wrote you into my stories. because i can no longer read them without falling in love, and breaking my heart at the same time. but part of me is so glad i did. because it reminds of how beautiful our love was, even if it destroyed me.
it fucks me up because i cant think anymore. i cant say words without remembering a conversation we had. i cant walk to english class without remembering you kissed me downstairs. i cant listen to a song without remembering you played it for me on the piano. i cant look at a fucking tree without remembering we said we were going to plant thousands of them together one day. i cant do anything, without remembering you.
because that’s all i can do now, is remember you.
I look over at her, quizzical.
She points to the cigarette dangling from my mouth and gives me the basic line that everyone says to a smoker.
“It’s not healthy.”
“I could stop smoking at any given moment, yknow.” As I crush the supposed “cancer stick” to the dirt, resisting the urge of an eye-roll.
She’s watching me, obviously waiting for an explanation. God, why does she care? No one ever has before.
“It wouldn’t be hard, I mean, I’m not addicted or anything. ”
She laughs and suddenly I’m trying to ignore how good it sounds.
“Isn’t that what all addicts say?”
Judging by the look on her face, I know that wasn’t the answer she wanted.. so I stopped sugar coating it.
“I just don’t stop because I’d rather kill myself in a way that’s more..socially accepted. People don’t notice as much- they call me a smoker, not suicidal. I like it that way.
Please don’t do this. Don’t sit there, asking me questions acting like you care. Don’t ask me how I’ve been or what I’ve been up to lately. Please don’t pretend to have any interest in what I have to say. I know that truth now, that you will never love me the way I love you. So, please don’t pretend to care, it will save me so many sleepless, heart-wrenching nights when you leave again.
m.r.s// please don’t pretend you love me again 11:43pm
I laugh now
Because I never thought I’d be completely okay with everything
I thought I’d never forget how you hurt me
And all those days I cried
I thought that that was the worst pain I’d ever feel
The worst I would ever be betrayed
We all thought we were so wise then
Much older than we really were
We thought there wasn’t much growing up left to do
When we really hadn’t even started
And I thought I’d been through it all already
I never dreamed of losing you
I really thought I was in love
I never doubted it for a second
And I never thought I’d fill the hole you left in me
Although my entire life was still ahead
But now I look into someone else’s eyes
And see everything we never had
And my heart is not only filled
We all thought we were ready for the world
That we could just skip to the good parts
And it took a while to get us here but
We have all found a place we belong
At least for now
And although it isn’t at each other’s sides
And it’s not where we thought we’d find it
We are here
I am looking at him
And he is every story I’ve ever wanted to write
And you’re just a line in a poem
Although I’ve moved on, I still think about you sometimes and how I wish I could call you and tell you all the things I never had the chance to say. Or maybe I did have the chance, I just never took it. I don’t know. I hope that you are filled with excitement and passion. I hope that you are more motivated, hard-working, sensible, and most of all, content with the person you are growing into. I’m sure your plans for life have changed since you last told me all about them, but plans don’t ever work out the way you want them to. Ours didn’t. So wherever, however, and whoever you end up being, I hope you are bubbling with excitement, sick with passion, consumed by hope, motivated by fear, stronger than pain, and your heart pulses with joy.