ill life 2

me, waking up this morning: ah what a beautiful-
brain: “violent, disgusting intrusive thought”
me:
brain: :)

andreil going on roadtrips is literally??? just the?? warmest thing ever????? they werent able to do it before, for spring break, because of all the bad stuff that happened…but just imagine like sometime in the summer. for 2 weeks or so they get to be together, alone, free of worry leaving it all behind ((including kevin much to his distaste bc he didnt want to have the court so far from him but hes able to stick with his dad so its ok. also andrew pulled out the knives))

  • having just the road beyond them!!! they travel for hours with no real destination in mind, only the feeling of being able to be with each other like this 
  • with their fingers loosely laced together in the middle of the console and the windows down with the wind blowing through their hair. sometimes neil will stick his head out to really breathe in and feel his blood rushing because freedom is right here in front of him in the palms of his hands and it feels so good
  • andrew glances at him before turning back to the road again and his heart is clenching and burning with this entirely new feeling because neil still feels like a fucking pipe dream even though he is right there with him. and he always will be.
  • after a while they’d stop at a rest area, or maybe just the shoulder of an empty road. andrew would step out and go to neil’s side and lean against the hood of the car while lighting 2 cigs
  • they both breathe in the smoke while they lean back to stare at the starry sky which is extremely clear without light pollution, except its only neil doing so, because andrew is staring at him from the corner of his eye instead
  • the awe on neil’s face makes the realization hit him that he’d burn down the world if that meant nothing would ever be able to take this away from him again ((am i speaking about neil’s happiness, or neil with andrew? ;)))
  • this muddles his thoughts and almost melts his fucking brain, so much that he has to ask “yes or no?” and pulling neil in by the collar of his shirt when he whispers out a “yes. always yes.” and biting his bottom lip for the last of it in retaliation which makes neil smile against his mouth
  • they spend nights in shitty motels with junk food and candy surrounding them on their bed, courtesy of andrew
  • theyre wrapped in blankets like a cocoon and sharing kisses and nuzzles to necks and soft touches like hands running through hair, warm hands on the back of necks and sometimes barely-there fingertips grazing up and down arms when andrew is comfortable with it
  • neil will send a pic of them on the balcony with the sunrise behind them to the foxes’ groupchat and everyone dies from it. andrew is glaring at neil and flicks the ash of his cig towards him and neil just smiles
  • neil would want to go on runs in the morning, to stick to routine, to sometimes push away nightmares he had the night before, but in the end he will always come back to andrew because he knows he no longer has to be actually on the run. and andrew will be waiting for him
  • and he is, with takeout breakast and a 2nd cig in between his fingers for him, and the steadying presence with the feeling of home
  • they dont exactly have plans for their days, just whatever comes to mind and whats easy, either lazing about watching boring movies with andrew’s legs thrown across neil’s lap or andrew slowly taking neil apart bit by bit with hot hands and harsh kisses. it all works for them
  • ((once neil asked if he’d wanna go running with him sometime and maybe check out whats around and what to do and andrew just stares blankly at him like ‘are you kidding me’ and neil has the audacity to laugh))
  • and even after many years that pass they’ll still take these roadtrips, a lot of them on a whim just to get away from everything and to wrap up into each other and feel how they still fit together like 2 pieces of a puzzle even after all this time
  • until the end of forever

hi there i was feeling self-indulgent so have some freemance *tosses confetti*

Dear Tumblr,

It’s been a hard few months.
It’s not easy to explain in a nice way but I feel like I’ve been to the depths of hell and back. My mental health took a real big down turn at the start of the year and in the last three months it saw me try to kill myself five times. I can’t really explain why, life just suddenly didn’t seem worth living anymore.

I sought help from my friends and family and found support from doctors and my psychologist. Going to a psychologist was really scary for me but the reward of something so frightening and overwhelming was and has been, literally saving my life.

University and studying had to take a massive back step. So massive that I had to withdraw and defer for the semester.

Your mental health is always, ALWAYS more important than your studies. What is the point in putting yourself through that stress if you aren’t going to be able to reap the rewards. Look after yourselves guys. Please.

So, to make a long story short I am fighting back, I am alive, I am taking control and with the help of medication and unending support from so many people I am going to make the rest of the life my bitch.

This picture right here is of my new diary. Bullet journals are a bit overwhelming for me just yet. It’s made up of two different journals and I have taken bits and pieces and smooshed it all together but I love it. It’s going to help me through the rest of the year and the next semester of university. I have set goals that I am going to smash and I’m looking forward to the journey.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself in the last six months. I am a survivor, a warrior and just a fucking bit wierd.

Shout out to @geekydreamy for your beautiful posts and your love of Tom Hiddleston. Also to @adrianthefirst your honesty inspired me and your hilarious choice of reblogs made me laugh when I didn’t think I could (we’ve never spoken but I wanted you guys to know, sorry for the really random shout-out). And @delilah–bard for being the most amazing friend a girl could wish to make on the internet. You guys didn’t know it but you helped a hurting person by just being you. Thank you. Honestly, thank you so much.

I stumbled but I’m making it part of the dance.

2

                                               CALLING EVERYONE !!

Since remaking this blog, I am a little unsure of where I stand with some people in terms of old ships and just being here in general. I feel like I am just following back anyone and everyone and not really getting anywhere with some of y’all. SO, can you please give this post a LIKE if you grant me permission to drop a starter whenever? 

OR, if you want to shoot me a message in regards to plotting something, please feel free to! I do have an exclusives page of the characters I am no longer shipping with. and HERE is a ship wishlist

I just really want to get myself sorted and really get back on my feet !!

Just because you arn’t able to work, study or do much of anything due to mental illness doesnt mean you dont deserve to live. You’re never worthless or useless. You may be stuck now but things will change. Thats whats so great about the world…its always changing. Life is hard and aslong as you’re here and alive thats doing something, thats living and sometimes that can be the hardest thing to do. Youre never worthless and never a burdern on society. You’re always wanted and appreciated. Its okay to need time to recover and need to take care of yourself, its okay to find things hard even if theyre considerd ‘simple or easy’
Your life isnt a failure.

my “im sorry, finn” post got ovr 4.5k notes nd i got ovr 200 followers (wayyyyy more thn i expected @ ths point so early in2 art bloggo) nd im ovr here like Hold The Phone, Friend, Hold Up, Wait a Moment, blease pause and reconsider, hold on,

i am a wee baby artist nd like 2 of my fave artists reblogged it wit good tags nd someone said “dont do that to my son you idiot” or smthn nd that brought me So Much Joy nd all th tags got my shit ass weepin all ovr da place like holy shit

ths blog got so many text posts its a wonder ppl stick around. i am a Rambley Overshare Person nd i make all my posts on mobile so idfk how 2 readmore anything. its messy.

anyways hi im robin i hav adhd and i am not super rad @ art yet thx 4 bein here feel free 2 leave like Whenevr

Sometimes I feel bad bc I like to think I’m a fairly nice person but I know I’ve been a little harsh to ppl bc they fucked me up and I sometimes think if I should unblock them but then I think about all the receipts and reasons why my feelings abt them are valid and so I don’t
I just have a habit of wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt too much and I get farted on and then I’m the bad guy for eventually going off on them

Moral here is
if you distanced yourself from shit ppl don’t feel bad abt it, you had every reason/right to regardless if they are salty abt it

Sometimes when your chapter collides with someone else’s, it is only meant to be a couple of pages. They are there to be your climaxes, conflicts, and your plot twists. These people are meant to come and go.

And sometimes when your chapter collides with someone else’s, it is meant to be an entire book. These people are there to be your plot developments and your character growth. You begin to see new perspectives on life and learn to love yourself through them. And if you hold them close enough, and they’ll become your epilogue.

—  Excerpt of a book I’ll never write #111