getting bad again.

you try to ignore it. you hope it goes away. you sit on the bathroom floor doing things your mother would cry over if she saw you doing it. but nothing helps, nothing makes the bad go away. nothing. 

the days go by and the people you talk to don’t make things better they just fill up the minutes of the day before you go home and cry in your bed until its time to wake up and go do it all over again. Whats the point? What if the bad never goes away? 

the only minutes of bliss you have are the ones where you’re dreaming of happier days. Or when your imagining the world without you, how it would be easier and better for everyone. All you do is create more “bad” any way right? You know you should be able to create your own happiness; be strong; love yourself. But i think we all know (but wont admit), its nice to have someone there for you. But its hard to have someone there for you when you know no one cares or no one would miss you if you were gone. You thought so hard about crashing your car on the snowy ride home last night so you didn’t ever have to see anyone or talk to anyone ever again or ever make anyones life hard ever again. 

You still hope and pray for everyone elses happiness almost to your detriment. No matter who it is you always want the best for them, no matter how many demons you have yourself. 

So there you are, getting bad again and trying to scrounge up every ounce of happiness and positivity you have left in your body. Everyone tells you that you’re worth it, that you deserve to be here. And you hear them but you can’t listen because all you think about is how much easier it would be to just end it. Just close the book, write the ending, roll the credits, start the buses. 

As hard as I try to come up with one reason as to why i should be here, its easier for me to come up with 5 reasons as to why i shouldn’t. And thats how i know im getting bad again. Some days are okay but most are not. I’m sorry for this, i really am. But with every word i write is one more second i can put off all my bad thoughts. But what happens when the typing stops? 

The bad continues.