ignore the cleaning supplies

Anxiety ramblings. I need to give myself perspective. I need clarity.
Sorry about the lack of a “read more”! Pls ignore

I cleaned out my closet tonight and found old craft supplies and an endless amount of my ex’s stuff. I needed to calm down because my anxiety and panic mounted to the point where I wanted to scream and call up the school and beg them to let me enroll this semester instead of deferring.

Why not? What’s stopping me besides the fear that I will not grow as much in an institution as I would doing things I have never done before? The fear that I’m not ready, or that I still have things I need to fix in myself first? My self-branded “need for freedom” and not being willing to compromise?
I still don’t know the answer. I know I can ask them tomorrow if I can enroll but I have no idea if that’s the right decision. If I say I can enroll, and they say ok, I don’t know how I would feel. Excited, I guess? But fear that I’m not ready, that I haven’t been stable and conscious and aware of the world long enough.

I have no idea what I’m running from, if this is avoidance or procrastination or if I really am trying to heal. I’m afraid because without this program for a whole year I won’t have a regular space to make art, and right now I am so inspired. Because I’m afraid of drifting without a purpose. Having a purpose makes me feel good, having an art related purpose makes me feel so excited. But god, god, god I am so confused.

Part of me knows it’ll be a challenge and I’ll push myself to be more involved if I defer, I’ll have time to heal and grow. But looking at all the stuff from my former life, i realize that I cannot stay here forever. Or much longer. I can reinvent my space but I feel drawn to the need to be self sufficient AND the need to be near family in this program. I cannot travel aimlessly because I have a dog and I need to save up. I can’t leave my baby or my means of financial independence. I *could* leave my dog but who does that?? I’d love to travel for months or work in a new location but my dog is my best friend.

But my plans for myself are hazy. My plans for my next year, outside of the program, are scattered.
If I do this program and I’m not matured enough, I feel like I’ll not take full advantage of it. I know a year of self direction and direct help for my mental illnesses will get me there, but that is by far the harder choice.
17 months, holy shit. I guess I have to meditate on it tonight. And call my therapist tomorrow at 11am.

My brain is fried. It’s so fried. I feel like all of the pride I’ve had for my massive improvements has gone out the window with this panic recently. I know I’m growing but the way I reacted to all of this makes me realize I have so much more to do.

I’m scared of myself, of facing myself, of taking a year and not focusing directly on art, because I don’t have the means to without the studio they’re offering me, and the time.

Ramblings could go on forever, but I can’t talk my way into feeling better, I learned that this week!

Sticky Situation. (NSFW)

A Ben Solo x Reader oneshot

Originally posted by kylolicious

Summary: You and Ben are stuck hiding from Stormtroopers, and you decide to have a little fun while you wait.

Word Count: 909

Content Warning: NSFW 

A/N: Oh sweet jeezus take this mess that I wrote in like two hours at work. I don’t even know what this is, but it’s the first time I’ve written smut in like, ages, so I’m pretty sure it’s absolute garbage. Though, ey, if you did like it validate me by hitting dem like/reblog buttons yo.

This was it; he was dead and gone straight to heaven… or hell, depending.

Bel let his head fall back, landing against some shelf or another as he pushed a sharp breath out of his nose. He could barely breathe, barely think for the pleasure that was setting his nerves on fire and causing his hips to cant forward in search of any sort of friction from where your fingers were wrapped around his cock. They were softer than he’d been expecting, your grip not too firm and perfectly languid as you lazily stroked him.

“(N—Name)…” He panted, the word tapering off into a low whine as you slowed your pace even further before stopping completely.

“Shh,” You warned, slapping your free hand over his mouth. “Do you want someone to hear you?”

What he wanted was to bend you over a table and fuck you until you were a quivering mess. To ride you long and hard until the thought of keeping quiet was a laughable notion. Unfortunately for Ben, neither of those options were viable given the fact that you were both crammed into a supply closet. And, yes, objectively speaking, it would be bad if the Stormtroopers found the two of you. Especially if they found you—literally in Ben’s case—with your pants down and caught by surprise.

Ben didn’t want to be objective right now though; he was pretty sure if he had to endure any more of your teasing he was going to die.

“Not another word or I’m done, got it?” You blinked up at him with a slight smirk, fingers pressing not enough to be painful but just on the verge of uncomfortable. Ben, for all of his half-hearted glaring, nodded and you pulled your hand away from his swollen lips. “Good boy.”

You let your fingers trace his jawline absently as you let your other hand roam the impressive length of him, thumb swiping across the tip and smearing pre-come. His pulse jumped under the pads of your fingertips, skin hot and beading with sweat as you continued your exploration. He bit down hard on his plump lower lip when your hand fisted in his silky curls, pulling back with a pleasurable sting to bare his throat.

You let your smuggler fuck himself into your hand for a little bit as you pressed in close, draping yourself over every long, muscular inch of his body. There was something addicting about this, about having him needy and desperate for a release only you could give him. The potential to get caught at any minute—either by Stormtroopers or by Finn and Rey—only added to the thrill.

And fuck if you didn’t love the breathy way he sighed, the way his liquid eyes drifted shut, pupils blown wide so that there was only a ring of rich, dark brown swallowed by black, just before he opened them again. You watched Ben as the pleasure played out across his lovely face, the apples of his cheeks flushed and red as his cock practically drooled in your hand. He was close, you could tell by his erratic breathing and the rushed way his hips thrust forward. Your throat went dry as you followed the movement of his tongue as it soothed the area of bitten flesh, and suddenly you were hit with a bit of urgency as you felt the hot coil of your own arousal.

“Are you close baby?” You whispered in his ear, tongue tracing the lobe before you pressed a hot, wet kiss to the column of his throat. “Do you want to come?”

He made a broken noise that vibrated along his neck and pulse and you were so proud of him for not breaking the ‘no talking’ rule.

“Come, Ben. Right in my hand.” You stroked him faster, finding the perfect pressure as you whispered praise into his ear. “Come on baby. You’ve been so good for me, so very good.”

You twisted your wrist just so as your teeth clamped down on his pulse and that was all it took. Ben let our an absolutely wrecked moan, stifled behind his own fist as his hips stuttered once, twice, before you felt the hot spurt of his come on your fingers. You continued to stroke him gently through his orgasm, easing the grip in his hair as he practically collapsed against the shelves. Pressing a line of quick, gentle kisses to his jawline, you reached for a nearby to wipe your hand as you let your body relax against him.

“You did so good.” You purred, nuzzling into his neck as you continued cleaning up.

Ben was unresponsive as his breath left his lungs in shaking pants, eyes cracking open when you carefully tucked him back into his trousers.

“You knew?” He croaked, swallowing hard at your quizzical eyebrow. “That the troopers had moved on?”

You couldn’t help but grin guiltily at that, pecking him lightly on the lips. “Rey told me to grab you and hide out while she and Finn deal with the bucketheads. So… yeah.”

The smuggler cracked a slight grin at that before he pulled you into a scorching kiss, tongue nudging between your lips and licking into your mouth. You immediately melted into his arms, ignoring the cleaning supplies you kicked out of your way as you considered ways to climb him like a tree in the cramped closet. He tasted like the goldfruit and kaf that you’d enjoyed for breakfast, and you couldn’t help but whimper into the kiss when he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you firmly against him.

You were wondering whether or not you’d be able to wriggle your own pants off and find some way to fuck him when the door slid open to reveal Rey and Finn, both of whom had a less than amused look on their faces.

“If you’re quite done?” Rey snorted, “We have a clear shot back to the ship and I recommend we take it.”

You pulled back, swallowing at the dark promise in Ben’s eyes that only served to make your stomach tighten in anticipation. “Yeah… yeah, let’s go.”

You definitely needed to get him alone.