Anxiety ramblings. I need to give myself perspective. I need clarity.
Sorry about the lack of a “read more”! Pls ignore
I cleaned out my closet tonight and found old craft supplies and an endless amount of my ex’s stuff. I needed to calm down because my anxiety and panic mounted to the point where I wanted to scream and call up the school and beg them to let me enroll this semester instead of deferring.
Why not? What’s stopping me besides the fear that I will not grow as much in an institution as I would doing things I have never done before? The fear that I’m not ready, or that I still have things I need to fix in myself first? My self-branded “need for freedom” and not being willing to compromise?
I still don’t know the answer. I know I can ask them tomorrow if I can enroll but I have no idea if that’s the right decision. If I say I can enroll, and they say ok, I don’t know how I would feel. Excited, I guess? But fear that I’m not ready, that I haven’t been stable and conscious and aware of the world long enough.
I have no idea what I’m running from, if this is avoidance or procrastination or if I really am trying to heal. I’m afraid because without this program for a whole year I won’t have a regular space to make art, and right now I am so inspired. Because I’m afraid of drifting without a purpose. Having a purpose makes me feel good, having an art related purpose makes me feel so excited. But god, god, god I am so confused.
Part of me knows it’ll be a challenge and I’ll push myself to be more involved if I defer, I’ll have time to heal and grow. But looking at all the stuff from my former life, i realize that I cannot stay here forever. Or much longer. I can reinvent my space but I feel drawn to the need to be self sufficient AND the need to be near family in this program. I cannot travel aimlessly because I have a dog and I need to save up. I can’t leave my baby or my means of financial independence. I *could* leave my dog but who does that?? I’d love to travel for months or work in a new location but my dog is my best friend.
But my plans for myself are hazy. My plans for my next year, outside of the program, are scattered.
If I do this program and I’m not matured enough, I feel like I’ll not take full advantage of it. I know a year of self direction and direct help for my mental illnesses will get me there, but that is by far the harder choice.
17 months, holy shit. I guess I have to meditate on it tonight. And call my therapist tomorrow at 11am.
My brain is fried. It’s so fried. I feel like all of the pride I’ve had for my massive improvements has gone out the window with this panic recently. I know I’m growing but the way I reacted to all of this makes me realize I have so much more to do.
I’m scared of myself, of facing myself, of taking a year and not focusing directly on art, because I don’t have the means to without the studio they’re offering me, and the time.
Ramblings could go on forever, but I can’t talk my way into feeling better, I learned that this week!