if you're reading this you won

Silly Mob Psycho Head-cannons. 

In which I try to be funny as today is Trolls Day.

  • Mob watches a bunch of those cheesy teen drama shows.
  • Reigen sings in the shower.
  • Ritsu owns a book on rare spoons.
  • Teru has a bunch of hard to get Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
  • In college Reigen dyed his hair black.
  • Shou has a jar of googly eyes.
  • Mob owns socks that have every day of the week written on them.
  • Teru plays a bunch of poorly received video games, and leaves good reviews on them.
  • Ritsu has fallen asleep in class more than once.
  • Mob watches a bunch of dumb YouTube videos and tells everyone about them.
  • Reigen owns an inflatable flamingo that he won at a carnival.
You’re Drunk

So, I wrote this prompt for day 3 of sanvers week before I committed to my smut every day idea, and I liked this enough to want to post it as well. It probably won’t go on AO3, but it’s on here at least.


@404artnotfound​ voluntarily beta’s my bullshit and therefore she is better than all of us.

@queercapwriting​ I saw u talking about angst, does this count? Playful angst…? In a college AU???? Listen I tried.

“No, Kara.”


“I’m hanging up now. I have to study.”

“But it won’t be fun if I go alone!”

“You said Lena was going! Go and have fun with her!”

Kara huffs petulantly down the phone line, farewelling her sister begrudgingly before hanging up. Alex rolls her eyes. Some frat party on the other side of campus is pretty much the last thing on the list of things Alex wanted to do with her free time. Anyway, finals week is approaching up and she wouldn’t be allowed a second of fun without the gravity of her mother’s disapproval weighing on her mind.

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embraceyourfandom  asked:

Imagine that one of them is an alien xenobiologist who falls in love with a human he is just supposed to be observing.

A/N: Tagged for violence. And pining. Also, looooong. Thanks to the OP for a truly great prompt.

The Terran’s smile was sunny. As warm and as golden as the G-type main sequence star his small blue world orbited. Phi'l found it impossible to control the tendency of his lips to quirk up in response. He’d stopped trying weeks ago.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Phil,” the Terran said, strong fingers tracing the rim of his coffee mug, “but you’re kinda weird.”

Around them the hum and flow of conversation in the busy coffee shop was a soothing, pleasant drone punctuated by the fierce hiss of the big copper coffee machine behind the bar and the clank of cutlery against porcelain. Outside, the weather, still uncontrolled and unpredictable on this less advanced world, spat sleet into crowded streets. The humidity on Terra was higher than Phi'l was accustomed to, the gravity lighter and the temperature was too warm even in late autumn. But here inside the coffee shop the impossibly rich smell of butter and vanilla, of sugar and coffee and the sweet aroma of steamed milk, of woollen coats drying on pegs by the antique oak door, of the dizzying array of scent from Terran skin, all combined into an intoxicating haze that made him forget everything but the fascinating sapient sitting across from him at the small table.

“Am I?” Phi'l hid a twinge of unease behind a sip of coffee. He’d been very careful. But Terra was a new contact, sparsely studied. Central didn’t know much about the intricacies of the various cultures of Earth. He’d been thorough in his research—of course, he was thorough in everything he did—but there was always the risk of error.

“Yeah, you are,” the Terran's—Clint Barton's—eyes were bright with mischief. Phi'l relaxed a fraction, realizing it was unlikely he was in danger of being exposed. That he was only being teased. Flirting had been a difficult concept at first but it was fast becoming one of his favorite things. Especially when it was directed at him from this Terran man. He struggled to focus on the wordplay, to stop getting lost in the blue-green of the Terran’s eyes.

He pried his gaze away, focused on the contents of his cup. “How so?”

“Well, a fancy guy like you, coming in here week after week, to have coffee with a guy like me.”  

“Like you? I don’t understand.”

“Well, I mean, lookit you. All—” Clint Barton made a vague circling wave in his direction. Phi'l frowned, baffled for a micron.

“Ah. You mean my attire.” Phi'l looked down ruefully at the perfectly tailored dark suit, the subtly silken waistcoat, the fine dark tie. This level of formality had been one of those errors he could have avoided if he had been more experienced with the culture. Here, in this Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood of Brooklyn, New York City, New York, United States of America, Terra, he stuck out like a bin!‘ti in a yarm'ot patch. Initially he’d chosen the attire because it felt familiar, comfortable, like the SHIELD Consortium uniform he’d spent his whole career in. He wasn’t sure he knew how to dress ‘casually’ anymore. Either here or on his own home-world.

Phi'l’s expression must have slipped into something Clint Barton found disconcerting. “Hey, no, I didn’t mean it like that. It's…I like it. You look, uh, y'know. Nice. Good.”

The warm glow Phi'l felt in his chest at the Terran’s words was also unfamiliar. He glanced away, hoping the man didn’t recognize how pleased he was at the compliment. He wasn’t sure his reaction was proportional. Or…appropriate.

“You, also…look good,” he said tentatively, hoping it was the correct thing to say. He looked up. This Terran’s emotions were always so close to the surface, his expression so honest, so unguarded. Clint Barton seemed unconvinced but there was a trace of high color on his cheeks as he looked back openly. Phi'l could smell the heat in his face, the blood rising up, so close to the surface of his skin. Warm, alluring.

“Aw,” he said, “not really. Everyone says I look like ten miles of bad road.” Clint Barton self-consciously picked at the edge of one of the plasters that criss-crossed his forearms.

Ten miles of…what? What did that have to do with—? But the Terran’s pained expression was easy enough to read.

“You don’t,” Phi'l said, with maybe just a little too much force. Clint Barton looked up, startled. “…look like…road. You're— ”

Phi'l paused, off-balance, feeling his way. His last scholarly paper on intertribal diplomacy among the VosTo'kk of Altair Six had won two Imperiale Awards. His efficiency and ability to communicate within the Consortium was, although it wasn’t a word he would have chosen, legendary. He routinely declined speaking engagements that would have funded his retirement twice over, had he been interested in retiring. Why was being honest with this Terran so difficult? He took a breath and went at it from another direction.

“Clint Barton, the first time I saw you, you were actually rescuing a kitten from a tree.”

Clint Barton laughed. “Well, you helped—”

“The second time I met you, you had just given a homeless man all of your currency.”

“That’s why you had to buy me coffee. Maybe that was part of my evil plan.”

“—and your coat. And scarf. And it was 0.5C.”

Clint Barton shrugged, looked down at the tabletop. “I could get another coat easier than that guy.”

“Then there was the time that I happened to observe you jumping out of the third floor window of the Alcot building to apprehend a man who had just stolen a student’s backpack, fracturing your foot.”

“And you rode with me to the clinic. You didn’t hafta do that.”

Phi'l paused helplessly, trying to summon the strength to speak clearly. He sat back in his chair. “You’re impossible,” he finally said.

Clint Barton huffed out a breath. “Believe it or not,” he said, “it’s not the first time someone told me I’m a pain in the ass.”

“No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, where I come from, you’re impossible.”

Clint Barton looked up.

Phi'l stumbled on. “You simply…couldn’t exist. You could only have come from here. I’ve never met anyone like you in all of the wor—, all of the places I’ve been. You are a unique construct of this place, this time. And it is so improbable that I would have met you just by random chance that it takes my breath away. I didn’t know that someone like you could exist.”

Phi'l didn’t add that the desire to take his Terran man into his care, to treasure him, to protect him, had been growing over the weeks since their first encounter and was, by now, almost overwhelming.

“I sometimes feel I’ve been waiting my whole life to have met you,” Phi'l finished softly, just now realizing the truth of it.

He realized he had erred, had overstepped convention with his honesty, when he looked up and saw the Terran’s shocked expression.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I didn’t mean to—I’m sorry if that was too—”

“No, no!” Clint Barton’s voice was pained, urgent. “I,” he said, “you—” Then he seemed to give up all at once and grabbed Phi'l’s hand.

Phi'l gasped. The Terran’s basal metabolic rate was much higher than the people of his own world. The shocking warmth of his grasp hit Phi'l’s nervous system like the injection of a powerful drug, like a wave of plasma that swept though him, warming every part of him, igniting parts of his body he’d forgotten he even had through long years of nothing but the cold adherence to duty and the vast black emptiness of space.

He struggled, trying to keep his breath under control. Fought the sudden impulse to reach out and take more of him, keep more of this, hold him close, claim him.

“Phil,” Clint Barton said, “that’s actually the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about me.” The Terran’s expression was wondering, disbelieving. As earnest and open as a youngling’s.

Phi'l fought to focus beyond the salient fact of the man’s hand on his skin. “It’s true,” he said. “And it is only right that you should know it is true.”

A silence fell. And in that moment, in all of the galaxy, Phi'l was aware of only two things—the buzz and hum of energy of the Terran’s hand against his own and the deep amazing colour of his eyes. Then Clint Barton seemed to realize what he was doing and withdrew. He raised his hand to the back of his neck, rubbed at the short hairs of his nape with a grimace.

“Uh, Phil—would you like to get dinner with me?”

Phi'l blinked, trying to regain his composure. “Dinner? We have just eaten breakfast.”

Clint Barton’s expression showed him that he was missing something.

“No, I mean dinner dinner.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“How ‘bout you let me explain it to you tomorrow night, huh? What do you say, 8pm, Anthony’s down the street, meet you there?”


The hard buzz of the communicator in Phi'l’s breast pocket startled him. If the ship was contacting him in what was nominally supposed to be immersive field work it was deadly serious.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “I must take this.” He retrieved the communicator, disguised to look like a Terran phone, out without meeting Clint Barton’s eyes. “Yes?” he snapped in full command voice, only realising he’d forgotten his mild-mannered alias as an insurance adjustor when Clint Barton flinched across the table.

May’s tone was clipped, efficient. “Regrets for the interruption, Commander. We’ve just detected a HYDRA ship in orbit, we need you back up here.”

[[Read more, or the whole thing entire on AO3]]

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i know it’s hard to accept compliments as anything other than lies. but when somebody blurts, “you’re beautiful,” take a breath. think of your dog, panting happily and covered in mud. think of your mother in her bathrobe with her hair in tinfoil while the dye sets. think of your best friend with her face streaked with tears and makeup. think of your little brother when he was sick and his face was a red puffy mess. think of how, even then, your heart swelled up with love of them. this is i think where compliments come from: when they look at you, no matter what, they see somebody beautiful, not some body, beautiful.

the signs when you're their crush

aries: you’re actually already dating them sorry

taurus: internally screams when you are around

gemini: waits impatiently for you to love them back

cancer: lowkey about it but also simultaneously drops massive hints in your direction like if you miss it i don’t know what to tell you

leo: pretends they didn’t dress/do their hair to suit your preferences

virgo: makes you a mixtape but never gives it to you

libra: they try to be the best versions of themselves that they could be

scorpio: knows you 439043982340 times better than you know yourself, has completely and utterly fallen in love with all of the little things you do, probably dreams about you on a regular basis

sagittarius: like leo, except they don’t really need to change anything. they’ve already won. it’s too late.

capricorn: spends sleepless nights trying to figure out if you two will work out, reads a wikihow article on asking out their crush

aquarius: makes you a mixtape and actually gives it to you. but then they make mixtapes for all their friends hoping you won’t notice you’re their crush. but you are. but you also aren’t.

pisces: ignores you but marries you and has five kids with you in their head


Make sure you full view ;D

So…back in June, mongoose-bite won my follower giveaway, and has been the most absolute patient sweetheart while I got my August cosplays in order. Thank you so much lovely!

They requested a scene from their outstanding fic, Neither Tarnished Nor Afraid. Which I have read several times and can’t recommend enough. Go read…NOW.

I hope you like it!!! And I hope it was worth the wait! <3<3<3 Enjoy!


Okay, so I’ve been here for years and finally, my first post ! I won’t lie, I’m stressed, but I wanted to wish you a good Pride !

anonymous asked:

I AGREE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TAGS: #yes deh won and all the nominees were deserving but I'm getting sick of seeing only deh and tgc being talked about #appreciate all theatre #talk about all the nominees #even before the Tonys people were only ever talking about half the nominees #they all deserved to win and be nominated because they're all amazing in their own way

I never expect people to read the tags, but I’m glad they resonate with you! It’s just thoughts that have been bouncing in my head for a while now. 

anonymous asked:

why do u think tumblr is trash for fandom? not that i disagree lol, i've just never noticed u talking about it and would be interested in hearing your thoughts

  1.  terrible for fanfic writers - i’m biased obviously but tumblr is a really terrible format for any kind of text based art. 
    1. formatting - theme fonts are really variable and i’ve seen countless writers blogs (usually younger/newer writers who need the attention) with fics that I won’t read because I *can’t* read them. 
    2. getting people to read your fic - Also, if you’re posting to tumblr only and not to the Ao3 (which I totally understand especially for drabbles) there’s a strong chance only your followers will see those as opposed to posting in a community where, if its a central fandom comm you’ll probably get decent traffic from folks who’ve never heard of you. and if you want more people to see something you have to keep reblogging it because it gets pushed down by your other blogging because you can’t have pinned posts (which is way easier than creating a separate masterlist page). also tags work like 60% of the time
    3. feedback - if you get feedback on fic on tumblr its either a. a reply that you may or may not be able to reply to easily depending on if tumblr/xkit is freaking out or b. in a reblog that you then have to reblog to reply to cluttering your/your followers dash further
  2.  terrible for building community
    1. If I go to someone’s tumblr and they don’t have an intricate tagging system, chances are pretty good I don’t know shit about them other than their name/age/maybe pronouns. Y’all don’t know shit about me as an actual person unless you happen to catch the one post or hell, the one tag where I talk about being from the American southeast or the weirdness of planning a wedding while feminist, or how I’m working up to weightlifting. Meanwhile, I have a friend that I friended in 2007/8 when I was in bandom who just graduated with her PhD! She was just starting her program when we met. She also just proposed to her boyfriend whom she’d just met when I started following her. I know her, as a person, not just a fic producing machine.
    2. Which brings me to my next point. Tumblr’s great for being a lil bitch without accountability. Don’t get me wrong. Wank is as old as fandom. Where there is fandom there will be wank, bet on that. And its not like the journal-based websites and forums didn’t often have an anonymous function. But anon hate on tumblr is so normalized and so easy– you don’t even have to log out to ask a question on anonymous on my blog! And even if you aren’t leaving hate. I talk to 2.5 people regularly via tumblr chat regularly. I think of them as my friends. I know their names. They know mine. They call me by my name. You could be the same anon that’s asked me an anon question since I started this blog. We could be well on our way to fandom besties and I would have no idea. To be a lurker on tumblr is to be anonymous, whereas to be a lurker on your livejournals and dreamwidths still came with some name recognition. 
      1. Also tumblr is great for BNFs. Which like. Whatever, I don’t think there’s any one unifying quality I can place on everyone who’s The Most Popular in a fandom (…and I’m not sharing my phandom bnf opinions with an anon) but I do think that tumblr makes it feel like you either have many thousand followers and a constant stream of anons or you’re Nothing and that’s some ol’ bullshit. 
    3. Livejournal and Dreamwidth (the ones I’m most familiar with) had community functions where one person created a blog to which lots of people could submit fanworks. The bandom one I was most familiar with was called bandslashmania (go check it out!), there was minimal modding and it was on you to post your fic, post it with the correct formatting, tag it so people could find it later, etc. And it was a hub that everyone could go to. It could be your daily stop, congrats now you have a selection of the fic that got posted that day. And if you miss a day, or you read a fic and want to go back to it weeks (or even years) later, you can just go to the tag. I’m having very strong feelings about how much fic we’re going to lose because of fucking tumblr (seriously. post your shit to Ao3. Also if you have a favorite fic? C/p that shit and save it to your computer. That’s the only way to (sort of) guarentee you’ll always have it) and the fact that you can accidentally delete your blog.
    4. You ever made friends in the replies or reblogs of a tumblr post? If you did you’re a rarity. That shit happened every day in forum/journal based 
      1. And I love IDB, I think its a really cool space to have more extended conversations, but I still don’t think its a great place to get to know people unless you have time to be really active on there and pay a lot of attention to peoples usernames, lol.
    5. This is. A delicate one. I’m not going to shit on the tumblr’s contributions to people’s growth in awareness of social justice and the experiences of marginalized folks. Its been a really integral piece to amplifying the voices and communities of people who, previously, would have been shut down and made to talk about their issues only on their blog. That’s a statement. And I think tumblr likes to get on a high horse. There’s some shit fandom does that I have real problems with (the fact that I have to block extreme underage on Ao3 is A Problem for me. The blatant racism of who fandom chooses to write about over and over again is A Problem for me. I could go on). But I do think that there’s a subset of fandom that’s like oh, I don’t like this thing, lets use social justice language to talk about why its Bad and Morally Wrong, rather than just not reading it. And that gets extra annoying because they then sound like people who are trying to point out some real ass problems and so people lump these groups together and I have to ask myself before I follow someone if they’re disagreeing with the idea that fandom’s collective love affair with whitecock is problematic, or if they just want to write their fucking otayuri fic.

This is probably way more than you were expecting! I don’t hate tumblr (…mostly). I just find it really frustrating that we’ve decided that this (and a little bit twitter and a little bit instagram which i’m just flummoxed by) is our fannish home when its actually The Worst for a hobby of which one of the main tenants is community building. Like we’ve glued and stapled shit together, we’ve adapted like fandom always does but like Dreamwidth is right there. We could have it all, we just don’t take it. 

Lol, other Fandom Olds that follow me, feel free to hop on this post, I’m sure you have other shit about fandom on tumblr that you hate.

anonymous asked:

Omg trying to wait so patiently for the next chapter of Against the Wall! You are such a fantastic writer and one of my favorites! Can't wait to read it!

Aw, thank you so much, nonnie! <3333 This means the world to me, you know. I feel so bad for keeping anyone waiting on the story… But I’m working on it every day, and I realllllly hope it’ll have been worth the wait once it’s all wrapped up. If it’s not, it won’t be for lack of length. (I feel like I just dropped a couple sexual innuendos :p). Thank you so much for your patience with me, and for sending me the love. Hugs, c 

jenny-calendar  asked:


omg all i have to say about you is positive stuff, celia. everytime i see you on my dash i feel like hugging you and protecting you and omg ily. you’re so adorable and cute and so so so so smart!!!! i’m so proud of you, seriously. you’re so intelligent and the things you write are Gold! i still have to make time and read all your fanfics because i know i won’t regret it, i’m sure!!! thank you for all the jenny love tho, she deserves it and i was missing all the content about her. please, don’t ever leave us because i’m going to miss you so so so much. ;-; i know we don’t talk a lot, but i’m always here if you ever need me or anything. < 3

send me a 💗


Commission info!

Please read carefully before commissining me:

Things I will draw:
- Oc stuff
- Fandom related content even if Im not in said fandom.

Things I won’t draw:
- Mecha
- Gore
Please keep this in mind when you commission me!
- I have the right to refuse the commision!
- I only accept paypal.
- I will not start working on it if I’ll not recive the payment!!
- If you want me to draw your OC I’ll need an art reference or an extremly detailed description of them and please a small description of their personality.
- If you want me to design a character from scratch it’s going to cost some extra.
You can contact me from:
- Tumblr messages.
- My email: alybertnaly@gmail.com

Even if you are not interested in buying, a reblog is always appreciated! :)

These are some really nice questions
  • 1: What's your full name?
  • 2: How old are you?
  • 3: When is your birthday?
  • 4: Do you smoke? If so, why? If not, why not?
  • 5: What is your opinion on doing drugs?
  • 6: Are you available?
  • 7: What is your favourite instrument?
  • 8: How do you drink your coffee?
  • 9: Did you ever steal anything?
  • 10: Are you happy about your grades?
  • 11: How often do you comb your hair?
  • 12: Do you do your makeup? If so, what products do you use?
  • 13: If you had a wish, what would you wish for?
  • 14: Do you wear glasses?
  • 15: How much do you weight?
  • 16: What kind of jewelry are you wearing at the moment?
  • 17: What is your favourite piece of clothing?
  • 18: What colour is your underwear?
  • 19: What would your name be if you were born the opposite gender?
  • 20: Do you get pocket money? How much do you get?
  • 21: If you could rename yourself, how would you call yourself?
  • 22: Do you have any piercings? Do you want any (more)?
  • 23: Do you have any tattoos? Do you want any (more)?
  • 24: Do you think brands are important?
  • 25: Describe yourself in three words
  • 26: What is your dream job?
  • 27: What is your life motto?
  • 28: Do you drink alcohol?
  • 29: Have you ever had a hangover?
  • 30: Chocolate or gummy bears?
  • 31: How long is your hair?
  • 32: Do you have a penfriend?
  • 33: Are you in love?
  • 34: What do you do in your free time?
  • 35: What things do you hate?
  • 36: What band/singer is your favourite?
  • 37: What's your worst habit?
  • 38: What do you do when you're nervous?
  • 39: Who do you call when you're sad?
  • 40: Do you get along with your parents?
  • 41: How much money do you spend on clothes every month?
  • 42: Where did you go on your first holiday?
  • 43: Do you still have stuffed animals?
  • 44: Do you have a lucky charm?
  • 45: Do you like to read?
  • 46: What is your favourite book?
  • 47: Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
  • 48: If you won the lottery, what would you spend the money on?
  • 49: Are you in an arguement with someone right now?
  • 50: Do you have any sexual experience with someone of the same sex?
  • 51: What is your favourite food?
  • 52: What is your favourite quote?
  • 53: Are you scared of death?
  • 54: What are your favourite shoes?
  • 55: What is your favourite website?
  • 56: What is your favourite application?
  • 57: What is/was your favourite subject?
  • 58: Are you diurnal or nocturnal?
  • 59: Do you prefer reading or writing?
  • 60: Hookups or relationships?
  • 61: What turns you off the most?
  • 62: How can someone impress you?
  • 63: Are you tired?
  • 64: Have you ever broken one of your bones?
  • 65: What is your biggest fear?
  • 66: Fruits or vegetables?
  • 67: How tall are you?
  • 68: Are you religious?
  • 69: Have you seen butterflies this year?
A few days ago
  • 2am
  • Me: tubling while boyfriend sleeps next to me
  • *boyfriend wakes up* what are you dong?
  • Me: my life is complete....
  • Boyfriend: ....why??...
  • Me: JKR admitted hhr should have been married... after 14 years, i won...I WON
  • Boyfriend: you're tumbling, aren't you??
  • Me: the party will never end, i need to write and read harmony, i need to rewatch the movies, reread the books...
  • Boyfriend: you're crazy but i love you that way
  • Me: you're the harry to my hermione, now go back to sleep and let me party hard
When he finds out he'll be a daddy
  • Eren: You'd feel like you're with someone who just won the lottery when you tell him about the big news. He would do a crazy dance to express his joy, and brag about it to his friends and how he'll be the best father ever. Of course, he start a little of the water works when you let him place a hand on your belly.
  • Armin: Upon hearing the news, he would be a little excited and a little nervous to be a father. He would spend his time reading up on babies, pregnancy, etc. and even watch videos with you. Albeit being too early, he would immediately want to discuss the name of the child and would ask if you guys could go shopping for supplies.
  • Reiner: At first, he wouldn't believe you and keep on telling you to quit joking around. When you show him the proof, however, he wouldn't be able to wipe the smile off his face and will try to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall.
  • Bertholdt: He would be really nervous, considering part of him would tell him that he's still not ready, but another part of him would be happy to be fathering your child, so he would man up and assure you that he would be with you every step of the way.
  • Jean: The first thing he'd feel is confusion, since he thinks that you're trying to play a prank on him, but once he sees that you're truly serious, he would turn away from you. Thinking he doesn't want it, you'd be very upset, but you'll start smiling once you hear sniffles and see him harshly wiping his face from joy.
  • Marco: Being a father would be a dream for him, so he would immediately tell all his friends the news, pick you up and swing you around a little before he takes your hands in his and give a heart-felt, tear-jerker speech about how happy you've made him.
  • Connie: As soon as you break the news to him, he wouldn't be able to stop laughing and smiling. He'll jump around, shout, and hug you really tight because he would be super overjoyed. Once he's calm, he'd ask if he could rub your belly a little and "talk" to the baby.
  • Levi: It wouldn't show on his face, but he would be really surprised and might even blurt out "are you sure it's mine?". Of course, it would upset you that he said that, but he'll try to clear it up and tell you that he always wanted a child, then offer you a small smile.
  • Erwin: He'd find out first before you do. He would notice the change in your appetite, disposition, and personality. He would force you to take the test just to be sure, and when it's proven that you are indeed carrying his child, he would tear up a little and hug you tightly, thanking God for the little miracle you brought him.

Dear reader,

I feel like shit. There isn’t any reason. I just do. I want to scream and cry and kill myself. Don’t worry though… I won’t. I guess I just need someone to talk to? Yeah… I want someone to talk to. I want someone to hug me and actually care about me. I know that my friends care. But it feels so hollow. I feel hollow and disgusting and no amount of showers and meals can clean that away.

I’ve never had great self esteem. No, scratch that. When I was a little kid I did. But don’t all little kids? Possibly. The correct phrasing would be since I started to get taller, grow breasts, and get acne, I have had almost zero confidence. I despise myself, my art, my body, my personality, the way I talk, the way I think. I don’t feel right. Nothing feels right. I’m sick. Mentally, and much too often physically. I always feel like I have a huge cloud in my brain, and my soul, or heart, or conscience, call it what you like, is unable to leave. Sure, there are sunny periods where the cloud clears and I’m happy and free and nothing in the entire world can bring me down. These periods are short and spontaneous but I feel so good when the cloud is gone.

Then it’s back, pinning my soul in place. I’m trapped and suffocating and I don’t know if I’ll make it. Sometimes I just want to put an end to it all. I won’t though. I just writhe in agony.

Have you ever felt the pressure to find a label? Male, Female, Trans, Gay, Bi, Asexual, Emo, Artist, Sports Player, Happy, Depressed. I feel it every time I do anything. I have a constant voice in the back of my head pressuring me to find my labels. The voice tells me that I need the label or I’ll never be happy. I want the label. However, I don’t WANT the label.

I wish I was someone different. I wish I was male, I wish I was handsome, I wish my life was different. But the truth is I am me now, sitting on my sofa, writing this note with the agonizing glow of my phone illuminating my face. My narrow eyes and pale skin, my sort of freckles and my obvious acne. I hate my face. I want something else. I hate my body. I WANT something else.

Trying to tell myself to be happy with who I am doesn’t work. I have an unquenchable thirst to be different. I need to be different. I don’t know why I can’t be happy with me now, honestly, but I hope that someday I can be. I really do.

Sincerely, me.

Java_bean | Archive of Our Own
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
By Organization for Transformative Works

The link in my description broke or something and it won’t let me fix it for some reason, so I’m just gonna leave this link to my ao3 here. 

Hey, if you wanna read some fanfics, check it out maybe.