if you're not watching scandal i don't really know what you're doing

TFLN Sentence Starters (Part 5)
  • [TEXT] YOU CAN’T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
  • [TEXT] I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky.
  • [TEXT] I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
  • [TEXT] So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
  • [TEXT] of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
  • [TEXT] She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
  • [TEXT] so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
  • [TEXT] he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
  • [TEXT] Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
  • [TEXT] Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
  • [TEXT] Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
  • [TEXT] made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
  • [TEXT] you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
  • [TEXT] I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
  • [TEXT] if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
  • [TEXT] No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
  • [TEXT] this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
  • [TEXT] Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
  • [TEXT] she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
  • [TEXT] I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
  • [TEXT] Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
  • [TEXT] I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
  • [TEXT] If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
  • [TEXT] The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
  • [TEXT] You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
  • [TEXT] The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
  • [TEXT] Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
  • [TEXT] I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
  • [TEXT] I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
  • [TEXT] they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
  • [TEXT] Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
  • [TEXT] you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. One after the other. Spelled differently,
  • [TEXT] So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
  • [TEXT] we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
  • [TEXT] Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
  • [TEXT] I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
  • [TEXT] Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
  • [TEXT] Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult
  • [TEXT] Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
  • [TEXT] I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
shit my mum and i have said whilst watching asib together over the years (cos its the only episode we can agree on watching when it comes to sherlock)
  • mum: i hate that song now, every time i hear it i just think of this bloody show
  • me: *laughs*
  • mum: love how it's her calling, though like she saved him and he doesn't know
  • me: maybe he does know and that's why he saves her, mum?
  • mum: no i don't think so because he's a bloody idiot
  • ---------------------
  • mum: i love how he's looking at photos of her while she's looking at photos of him
  • me: yeah, it's a nice visual parallel
  • mum: actually come to think of it they kind of look the same
  • mum: are they related?
  • me: WHAT? NO!
  • mum: not the characters, obviously but the actors-
  • me: NO MUM OMG THEY ARE NOT RELATED
  • mum: well, not that they know of...
  • ------------------
  • mum: there is a lot of nudity in this episode
  • me: mmm hmmm
  • mum: but they're never naked together :(
  • me: well, not that we know of...
  • ------------------
  • mum: SEE! they've even got her wearing his coat! they could be brother and sister!
  • me: mum, this isn't game of thrones, okay? its a deliberate thing that they look similar so that they show she is his equal kinda thingy
  • mum: but then it just looks like he's falling in love with himself
  • mum: well, he would actually
  • mum: bit of a narcissist, isn't he?
  • me: "i love you, female me"
  • mum: *mock gasps* you're a sick child
  • me: but you just-! *face palms*
  • ------------------------
  • mum: is she outside wearing nothing but that coat?
  • me: supposedly
  • mum: that'd be cold, i hope they gave her a heat pack to shove up there while they filmed it.
  • ----------------------
  • me: i love how mrs hudson is basically their mum
  • mum: yeah i hope she doesn't get violently killed i'd prefer she lived
  • ---------------------
  • mum: what's the noise on the phone??
  • me: i really shouldn't have to explain that to you
  • mum: so you know what it is?
  • me: of course i know what it is i'm not 2
  • mum: how do you know what it is?
  • me: cos I know how the human body functions, mum
  • mum: *grins* go on tell me what it is, then-
  • me: no! you know what it is!
  • mum: you're just as squirmy as sherlock, it's really funny.
  • me: well, excuse me for not wanting to explain orgasms to my so called mother!
  • mum: *grins*
  • me: shut up
  • -------------------
  • me: did u know that benedict actually smoked for this scene and they had to do the take so many times he got nicotine poisoning
  • mum: how many takes?
  • me: idk like 30?
  • mum: *laughs* that's weak
  • ----------------------------
  • mum: WHY IS SHE GAY?? I NEVER GET THAT? she wasn't gay in the original, right?
  • me: nope. idk mum it's kinda dumb
  • mum: she's a pretty bad lesbian if she falls for a BOY- does she know he's a boy?
  • mum: I mean, that bendledid guy kinda looks odd but he's definitely a boy
  • mum: lesbians don't get aroused by guys so she's lying about something here
  • mum: bloody hell, who wrote this? definitely wasn't a person with an understanding of being gay.
  • me: *sighs* you are more right than you know, mumma bear
  • ---------------------------
  • mum: you're pathetic
  • me: what? me?
  • mum: yes, you! you always grin when he finds her asleep in his bed with your dumb "i love irene and sherlock" soppy face and drool everywhere.
  • me: but its so cute mum cos she really could've crashed anywhere but she wanted him to see her, you know? i just like the idea that that's where she felt most comfortable, in his bed and his little smile like "ha got her".
  • mum: i suppose
  • mum: ...
  • mum: rewind it.
  • ----------------------------------
  • me: i always wonder where watson goes for this scene cos he's not there.
  • mum: probably didn't want to watch his best mate get shagged by his clone
  • me: MUM OMG
  • ----------------------------------
  • mum: he's not a virgin, though.
  • mum: not in this day and age, mate
  • mum: not after she's through with ya
  • --------------------------------
  • me: mum, we've watched this 30 times, now
  • mum: i just the way he says THE woman, go on rewind it one more time just one more i promise
  • me: *sighs and rewinds*
  • mum: hehe don't you just love that?
  • me: you're pathetic
  • ----- BONUS: FIRST TIME MUM SAW TSOT IRENE CAMEO----------
  • mum: *gasps*
  • mum: the Woman
  • mum: *sighs* and of course she'd be naked he's such a bloke
  • mum: omg she's touching him
  • sherlock: out of my head i'm busy
  • mum....
  • mum: what a dick head
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