if you steal this i will literally kill you

work alex: trained in hand to hand combat, weapon proficiency, skilled pilot, literal bio-engineer, can kill you with one finger.

work maggie: sharpshooter, highly observant, interrogation master, has everyone’s back, tiny but could kill you with a look.

gf alex: human embodiment of the hearteyes emoji, must touch maggie’s hair at least 3 times per minute or she’ll die, little spoon.

gf maggie: steals alex’s tshirts cuz they smell like her, is waiting for alex to realize she already moved in, top™

on a related note, i high key want to write a fic where teenage mick remembers the time travel shit and is now like noticing all kinds of other weird shit happening as he grows up

and he’s like

its fucking time travel, ofc

like there’s a statue that looks like old him in washington dc

someone probably makes art of time traveling mick at some point and len steals it for him because ‘he kinda looks like an older you now’

time traveling bounty hunters come to kill him for shit he hasnt even done yet ‘like excuse you how can i betray your order if i have no clue who the fuck you are’

by the time len is like “lets go time travel and steal shit” mick is literally so tired because he’s been dealing with this stuff for year

over the garden wall

send one for my muses reaction! Feel free to change any gender or anything that needs changing in order for it to make sense to have come from your muse.

I can leave a trail of candy from my pants!❞
We just wanna get home with all our legs and arms attached!❞
You’re more lost than you realize.❞
This guy sounds loony. Maybe we should make a break for it.❞
You lead the Beast right to us with your candy!❞
Beware, the Unknown! Fear the Beast! And leave these woods!❞
Well, that settles it. I’m gonna walk up 10 feet ahead of you.❞
I’m not magical. I’ll just do you a good turn.❞
Hey, not to be obnoxious, but an abandoned ghost town doesn’t seem like it’s gonna be useful.❞
You find this place as creepy as I do, right?❞
How did you end up in this little town of ours?❞
You’ll never convict! You have no proof!❞
It saddens me that you don’t wish to stay here with us, particularly because I simply have to punish your transgressions.❞
They’re all skeletons.❞
Iguess, in some ways, I’m trying to get home, too.❞
The world is a miserable place. Life isn’t fun.❞
We need to do our part to make the world a better place.❞
I can’t hear you because I’m too busy doing what I’m told.❞
You are literally killing me every moment I’m forced to spend with you.❞
I got enough nonsense from that no good, two-timing, low-down handsome man of mine.❞
This is way better than being chased by a gorilla.❞
You know you eat enough when you start seeing stars.❞
I just wanted to have fun, change the world, and make it a better place. But I just made everything worse.❞
Deep down in your heart, you’re a stubborn jerk.❞
When are you gonna give this up?❞
Okay, I think he’s asleep. Let’s go steal his stuff.❞
The beast is upon me!❞
Let’s go to this creepy tavern and ask for some directions.❞
Curse you! You’ll die someday, and I’ll laugh!❞
Oh, you’re not the witless, simple-minded fool everybody takes you for.❞
You’re the master of your own destiny. The hero of your own story!❞
Why not let me take the lantern for awhile?❞
No need for violence…❞
You leave those children be!❞
The money takes my mind off my troubles - the deep, soul-crushing loneliness.❞
She consumed my every thought. I’d fallen in love with a ghost.❞
You’re frightened of a ghost? Ghosts are just floaty things.❞
What if I’m on the brink of madness?❞
Well, guess we have to spend some quality time together.❞
How about you tell me your dark secrets instead, huh?❞
My secrets are too secret.❞
I secretly whisper poetry to myself in my room at night.❞
Looks like there was a struggle - a violent struggle.❞
Do you know what I did for this money? The things these filthy hands have done to make this money?!❞
You alright? You sound uncharacteristically wistful.❞
You’re a manly frog and you need some socks.❞
I don’t think today’s a good day to get arrested by frogs.❞
Drum me! Drum me in the face!❞
Sounds like you’re a real loser back home.❞
That fresh air does simply gruesome things to my tender, delicate skin.❞
Once I fill their heads with wool, they’ll become just like little sheep and follow my every command.❞
All along, you’ve been leading us to this crazy lady?❞
I do as he commands - the voice of the night, the beast of eternal darkness!❞
If you don’t trust me, then you don’t have to follow me, okay?❞
The beast knows your presence!❞
I believe you, but please, hide yourselves at once!❞
Then no one shall be devoured alive tonight?❞
You’re a good girl, but you decieve me.❞
Then you have no evil secrets to keep?❞
Keeping you busy is the only way to keep evil spirts from driving you to wickedness.❞
You shan’t remain alive for long in this house.❞
There is only my way. There is only the forest, and there is only surrender.❞
Can we admit we’re lost for good?❞
The beast has claimed him already.❞
Still the haunted ruins of night call your name.❞
You’re limiting the universe to only things humans could understand.❞
Yes, just sit there in the cold and wait.❞
We’ll keep that light of yours shining, won’t we?❞
There is a light for the lost and the meek.❞
Hard woe and fear are easily forgotten when you submit to the soil of the earth.❞
You’ve been grinding up lost souls for years.❞
Hold your tongue, or I’ll remove it from your mouth!❞
It’s my fault we ended up here. Everything’s been my fault.❞
You’re not trying to help me. You just have some weird obsession.❞
Oh you wonderful mistake of nature!❞

💕Zoo dates with Haechannie

For Anouk, my fav ❤
❤Hyuck probably planned this for like 2 months
❤Mainly bcz he’s a dork
❤But its all really sunny and bright
❤He starts complaining halfway through about how hot it is
❤And ur just like, Hyuck stfu I’m looking at cute animals
//but no animal is as cute as him :)//
❤So guess what loser ran out of money halfway through?
❤Hyuck spent all his money on animal plushies for you–
❤You end up wasting your money to buy him ice cream
❤But he literally looks like a super happy four year old when he eats it who would turn that down??
❤"Ik that bunny is cute and all but have you seen me??“
//“Don’t you mean have you seen Doyoung”//
❤Hyuck probably ends up annoying some animals
❤He’ll most likely have screamed something at them
❤"I’LL KILL YOU IF YOU STEAL MY GIRLFRIEND!! oh wait you’re too cute to kill~~“
❤Wants to act tough, but is probably scared out of his mind
❤"Hyuck I want to feed the seals”
❤"No, stop. What if they eat you?!“
❤"I MEAN WHAT?? I’LL DO IT FOR YOU??? I’LL EVEN JUMP IN TO FEED THEM”
❤Probably ends up getting kicked out of the zoo for screaming like a little girl when you try to feed them
❤"Hyuck we didn’t even get to see the penguins because of you!!“
❤"I got plushies of a penguin.. That works right??”

Originally posted by donghyukslee

anonymous asked:

I want to die. God hates me & I'm a burden to everyone. I hate myself so much & there is no point in me being here.

Jesus said, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” - John 10:10 | NKJV

satan wants you to hate yourself, see yourself as worthless, and doubt God’s love for you. he kills joy any chance he gets. you must have your guard up. when a negative thought enters your mind, pray it out in the name of Jesus. literally pray out loud, and speak verses. satan hates that. he hates you. but the good news is that he does not have power over you if you put your spirit and heart in that hands of God. all of these hateful thoughts in your mind are not of God. you’re worth so much more. Jesus believes you were worth dying on the Cross for! His love died for YOU. may satan flee from your mind & heart in Jesus’ name! x

When I was searching for reference pictures of The Great Mouse Detective I found out that every screencap of Basil is a perfect reaction image for situations where you play Twitch ADC.

When you’re Twitch ADC & the jungler ganks bot but he steals all your kills

When you steal the jungler’s kills in late game

When you’re Twitch ADC and have Annie Support

When you’re Twitch ADC and someone flames your Support

When Toplane feeds but blames the jungler n literally everyone else on the team & you and your Support analyze their wrong build and bad score like

so let me get this straight
stefan died so that everyone and i mean EVERYONE got their happy endings???
after 8 seasons of literally doing everything in his power to overcome himself, to be the best version of himself, to not let his demons and his guilt drown him
you tell me that his fate was to die with katherine???
KATHERINE OF ALL PEOPLE? The woman who turned him, abused him, treated him like crap?
do you know what i see? i see that stefan’s character wasn’t worth that much
because you literally had to kill him off so that 2 ships were happy- delena and klaroline
so yeah, let’s kill the man that deserved happiness because all his life was ashamed of what he was
let’s give him the love of his life (ELENA FUCKING GILBERT) then have his brother steal her (his words not mine), then give him a consolation prize (Caroline) only to take that away, because you know, KLAROLINE BITCHES
stefan and bonnie were the 2 characters that sacrificed themselves again and again
at least bonnie got her happy ending (my queen is finally happy)
so yeah, it’s ok guys
bottom line: don’t be the good guy. it never works
be the bad guy, the abusive one, be in a toxic relationship BECAUSE IT’S ROMANTIC
repeat after me: STEFAN SALVATORE DESERVED BETTER

Survivor || Klaroline

Day 3 - Post-canon

It was weird, to be the last one standing from Mystic Falls; no one expected little Caroline Forbes to outlive them all. She had made friends over the decades, sure, but it wasn’t the same as someone who’d known her literally all her life. The closest she had left to a life-long friend was…well, not a friend.


She didn’t want to draw attention to herself, not with pictures of her face looking exactly the same littered toward the front of the funeral home. As Caroline drew closer to the casket, the pictures drastically changed. Family portraits, selfies at birthday parties, dancing with a man who looked at her like she hung the moon - Elena had aged well through the years and seemed happy, too.

But sixty years after Damon sent her away from Mystic Falls, Elena succumbed to her all-too-human fate.

Keep reading

Things I Have Said: As LazyTown Characters Edition

Sportacus: Are you going to eat that orange or not? (I repeated this over the span of a few weeks to someone who would not give me their oranges)

Robbie: Yeah, where did you get this chocolate? Okay, load up we’re going there right now. I don’t CARE that it’s 3 in the morning!

Stephanie: OKAY EVERYBODY SHUT UP MY SONG IS ON!

Pixel: My laptop is clearly bigger than yours, and therefore faster!

Trixie: You’re out here looking like a fucking tree with that camouflage shirt and those black ass pants, who even did your hair got it looking like motherfucking twigs sticking out the sides of your head.

Stingy: Yeah, that’s so funny, but if you don’t back the fuck up off my computer chair i’m literally going to obliterate you, I can kill you in 300 different ways and that’s only with my legs.

Ziggy: I’m really sorry that I ate all of the Popsicles but really it’s your fault for telling me that we had Popsicles.

-

GGIL Edition:

-

Íþró: I can roundhouse kick your windows out of their sockets without breaking the glass, don’t test me.

Glanni: You know, I would be your friend but being around that cheap ass fabric makes me nauseous.

Jives: If it’s wrong to steal chips from that unlocked vending machine, then I don’t want to be right.

soft-pink-aesthetic  asked:

Top Five Kuroken Moments

Hi! Can you do a top 5 of Kenma x Kuroo? Thx!

Aw, my two kitties. They’re probably the strangest but at the same time most balanced pairing in all Haikyuu. It doesn’t matter that I personally ship Kuroo with someone else, they’re a beautiful and powerful team, they know each other so well, they respect each other’s boundaries but at the same time they’re not afraid to show a side that’s for the other’s eyes only. :’) I love them so much, fuck. 

1. “Don’t quit”. Ah, my heart. Neither of them is good with expressing their feelings, they both show it with actions, in their own unique way. Kuroo and Kenma have always been by each other’s side despite being from different years and Kuroo doesn’t care about anyone the way he cares about Kenma. But, most of all, he’ll never let him waste his incredible potential. 

Originally posted by zetsuubo

2. “Eat some veggies…you too Kenma, damn it!”. This is probably a super silly moment but I love it so much, it’s gross domesticity at its finest. 

Originally posted by silverbunnybun

3. When Kuroo thought about stealing Hinata just to make Kenma more excited about playing. Beautiful because the argument ended with that little “yes/no/yes/no” thing they do that kills me every fucking time. 

Originally posted by kourai

4. This mirroring moment.

5. “That unsteady shrimp you guys are talking about is the backbone of Nekoma. He’s our brain, and our heart.” aka talk shit about him and you are literally dead. I ADORE how Kuroo is protective and smug at the same time. 

Bonus: searching in my screenshot folder I found this and it’s too beautiful not to share

Thank you for your messages!

Ask me my top 5 things!

Always Been You || Jack

Request: Could you please do an imagine where Conor brings Y/N back from a show he’s done and she ends up becoming a solid member of buttercream and her and jack develop a almost dating relationship, and everyones routing for them and they finally get together

Dialogue requests 3 jack pl👍😊

-

It’s funny how life takes its own turns. One day you took your younger sister to a Conor Maynard concert and meet and greet and the next thing you know, Conor Maynard’s number is in your phone. Within a week, you already had plans to meet him for coffee.

The two of you hit it off immediately, but only as friends. Conor actually told you that you’d be perfect for his brother, Jack. You brushed him off, telling him you weren’t looking for a relationship. He shrugged but still invited you over to meet Jack and the rest of their friends. They had plans to stay in and have some drinks and play some games, so you agreed to go.

You were somewhat nervous to meet Conor’s friends. You dressed in leggings, a flowy cream colored tank top and a maroon cardigan and did your hair and make up simply. Part of you felt like you should bring something to Conor’s, like beer or food or something, but you had no idea what to do. So, you decided against it and got in the car to head to Conor’s.

“That’ll be (Y/N)!” you heard Conor yell when you buzzed into his flat.

“I’ll get it!” someone else called. You held your breath as a boy with blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and a big smile on his face opened the door. “Hey, you must be (Y/N).”

“That’s me,” you smiled.

“Well, come on in,” he said. “I’m Jack, Conor’s brother.”

That’s when you knew you were screwed.

As time went on, you became somewhat of a solid member of the squad they called the buttercreams. You went out with them nearly any time they were all together and you even appeared in videos for their YouTube channels. You told yourself you’d have to thank your sister for begging you to take her to see Conor live.

You were set to spend another day at the Maynards/Pieters’ flat. Now caring less about what you wore when you spent the day with the boys, you threw on some leggings and a shirt of Jack’s you had once taken, then headed out. Your hair was up in a messy bun on your head and you hadn’t bothered to put on any make up. The boys assured you that they had no plans to head out, so you didn’t bother to dress up any better. You considered putting on some perfume, but you liked that your shirt still smelled faintly of Jack, so you decided against it.

When Conor told you all those years (yes, it had been about two years) ago that you were perfect for Jack, he wasn’t lying. You and Jack clicked instantly. You fell for his smile and his laugh and the way he licked his lips when he was concentrating on something. You fell for his suggestive sense of humor and his secret love for cuddles and his not so secret love for you playing with his hair. Things remained strictly platonic between the two of you, but you so desired for there to be something more. Most days, you thought he did too, but if you hinted at it, he brushed it off. It left you hopeless.

You got to the boys’ flat and was immediately let in. Conor pulled you in for a hug as if he hadn’t seen you only two days before. “It smells good in here,” you said, pulling away from Conor’s hug. “What’s for dinner?”

“Pizza,” Conor said. You smiled and went to join the rest of the boys in the living room. You sat beside Jack who gave you a smile and pulled you close to his side for a hug.

“Nice shirt,” he said sarcastically.

“What, this old thing?” you said back. “Thanks, I’ve had it for almost a year.” Jack just smiled and rolled his eyes at you, then handed you a plate for pizza.

Once you all ate your fill of pizza, you were lounging around chatting. Jack was sitting on the ground with his legs out in front of him and his back against the couch. You had your head in his lap, your hair fanned out behind you. He was braiding it, then taking it apart, then braiding it again. You occasionally looked up at him, but always looked away before he could catch you. “Let’s play a game,” Joe said, clapping his hands together.

“Like a game game or a drinking game?” you asked with a laugh.

“What do you think?” Caspar said back. Everyone laughed as Conor went to go grab some liquor from the kitchen. “We could play some never have I ever.” Everyone agreed, so Josh went and got the game and brought it into the room. You sat up and got comfortable beside Jack.

“So it’s a shot every time we have?” you clarified.

“Yup,” Josh nodded, opening up the box of cards.

The game started off fairly lightly. Never have I ever had sex in public. Never have I ever had sex while my parents were in the house. Never have I ever walked in on someone in this room masturbating. “Oh, here’s one,” Caspar laughed, reading the card in his hand. “Never have I ever used a common household item as a sex toy.”

You felt your face heat up but didn’t move to take the shot. “Hey, we’re playing honest here,” Mikey laughed. “I see a red face over there. Shot it, (Y/N).” You groaned and reached forward to pour yourself a shot.

“What!” Oli laughed. “Spill it, what did you do?”

“It wasn’t recent,” you said defensively. You downed the shot before confessing. “I still lived with my parents so it’s not like I could get a vibrator sent to my house.”

“What’d you use?” Joe asked, still laughing.

“I don’t think that was the question,” you said, not meeting your eyes with any of the boys.

“Did it get you off though?” Conor asked with a smirk. You rolled your eyes, your cheeks still very hot.

“Yes, okay, it got me off,” you said. “Next question please.”

“Oh, here’s a good one,” Josh read, “Never have I ever fancied someone in this room.”

The boys all let out ooo’s and you were sure your cheeks were stained red. All of the boys knew of your feelings for Jack. Obviously you shared them with Conor and, well, word just sort of spread. The group was lousy at keeping secrets, but you were grateful they could at least keep this one from Jack. Well, until now. “Honesty is this game’s policy,” Josh said again. “No one’s here to judge.” You sighed and reached out to grab the bottle at the exact same time that Jack did. You looked at him to see that he wouldn’t bring his eyes to lock with yours. So, you picked up the bottle of alcohol and poured each of you a shot. When he finally looked up at you, you smiled.

“Cheers?” you said.

He let out a short laugh, though his smile didn’t reach his eyes, “Yeah, cheers.”

Once you all decided to end the game, it was getting dark outside. The boys, unsurprisingly, offered to let you stay over night. You obliged, then said goodbye to the other boys who decided to get Ubers home. You liked spending the night at their flat and they knew you didn’t like catching Ubers late at night when you were alone, just in case you got a pervert as a driver. “Am I sleeping with you?” you asked Jack.

“Sure,” he agreed.

“Do you have a clean shirt I can wear?” you asked. He nodded and the two of you went into his room. When the door was shut, he walked over to his closet and pulled out a t shirt and handed it to you. You thanked him and went to the bathroom to change into the new shirt. You stripped yourself of your leggings and took off your shirt and bra, then slipped the new shirt over your head. When you went back in Jack’s bedroom, he was already laying in bed, scrolling through his phone. You needed to talk to him. You needed to get your feelings out now while the topic hung in the air.

You sat cross legged on the bed, staring at Jack. “Can we talk about it?” you said quietly.

“We don’t need to,” he said. “I know you like Conor and I-”

“Wait, what?” you said, stopping him immediately. “Conor? You think I like Conor?”

“Well, yeah,” he said, sitting up and looking at you with confusion. “I’ve always thought that.”

“You’ve got to be joking,” you said. “I mean, I know boys are stupid but this is like a new level.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Jack,” you laughed. “It’s you I had to take the shot for.”

“Me?” he scoffed. “No way. What about when you first came here? And all the private talks you have with Conor?”

“It’s not about Conor,” you laughed, pressing your hand to his cheek. “It’s about you. It’s always been about you.

A small smile suddenly spread on Jack’s face. “Are you winding me up?” he asked.

“No,” you laughed. “I’m not winding you up. Why do you think I steal your clothes all the time and sleep in your bed and cuddle you when we watch a movie and, well, literally everything else?”

“I don’t know,” he said, almost embarrassed. “I guess I just never thought about it.”

“You’re so thick,” you laughed. He laughed too and your heart did a flutter. Everything about Jack made your heart feel warm, but that laugh just about killed you.

Jack’s face relaxed quickly and he placed his hand on your cheek. The two of you brought your faces close together, not letting your lips touch quite yet. Your noses were brushing against each other and your lips were only centimeters apart. Finally, Jack couldn’t wait any longer and he pressed his lips to yours. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pressed his head closer to yours. The cage of butterflies in your stomach erupted and you couldn’t help but smile beneath your kiss. Jack’s hands held your waist tightly as if he never wanted to let you go. You both eventually pulled away, but your lips were still brushing against each others, like neither of you wanted to pull apart completely. “You think they were planning this all along?” Jack asked with a smile. You knew he was speaking of his friends.

“I know Conor wanted me to date you the minute we met,” you said. “I suppose the others just started rooting for us too.”

anonymous asked:

Okay but punk!Annabeth and girly!percy would be cool? Yes?

punk annabeth is my Gal Pal

and i’m not so sure about “girly” percy (the word is just. bad) but like,,,,soft,, nonbinary percy,,, YES (remind me to talk sometime bout how canon percabeth subverts classic YA romance tropes bc seriously it’s wondrous)

  • THIS AINT EVEN AU
  • like annabeth showing up at percy’s bedroom window? check
  • annabeth convincing him to sneak out? check
  • annabeth contesting for his heart bc he has other love interests? check
  • annabeth making her first moves by being a smartass because she can’t let herself be Emotionally Vulnerable and must maintain her Hard Suave Exterior? DOUBLE CHECK
  • i mean SERIOUSLY like annabeth being like “i’m a rebel badass but i only drop my Hard Suave Exterior for you” like ARE YOU FUXKIN KIDDIN ME THIS IS SO NEXT LEVEL
  • annabeth who literally SCARES people by looking at them like seriously! seriously
  • and if you make this a mortal au it’s like,,,, i mean, like i m E AN
  • god can you IMAGINE annabeth leaning up against the lockers with a smirk on her face while he blushes and tries to avoid eye contact and put his books away
  • imagine annabeth’s crew being kind of Scary like there’s thalia, “dyes her hair seventeen colors and has four tattoos before the age of 18 and might kill you if you say her last name”, and piper “i steal BMWs for fun” mclean
  • and annabeth having all these crazy rumors about her, like “i heard she ran away when she was SEVEN” “i heard she can make a shank out of a toothbrush” “that scar on her wrist is from her breaking out of handcuffs” “how did she even get into this school i thought she was a kindergarten dropout” “i heard she’s actually like 25 and she’s still here because she skipped all those grades when she was on the streets”
  • and she mysteriously disappears out of some of her classes and nobody is sure where she goes
  • and meanwhile there’s percy, sitting on the opposite end of the cafeteria, listening to grover and rachel talk about environmental issues and eating the homemade chocolate chip cookies that his mom packs him for lunch 
  • oh my god imagine it
  • he’s like vaguely terrified when he walks into math lab one day and lo and behold, there’s Annabeth Fucking Chase
  • but as it turns out she just has adhd and dyslexia and she’s got permission to work in separate rooms so she can focus better
  • and he’s like….ooh, got it
  • and she’s not actually 25 she’s just self motivated enough to test into her actual grade level
  • and she was on the streets for awhile but she’s in a lovely foster home now and she doesn’t mind it, she actually visits her father and stepmother sometimes now too! she might go live with them again, she’ll see
  • and then all of a sudden she’s stopping by percy’s lunch table and stealing his cookies while rachel and grover gape open-mouthed at her
  • like also awesome canon parallel when she gets up and walks across the entire cafeteria to go sit next to him and it gets dead silent and everyone is STARING
  • but she just starts up a conversation like this is all normal
  • and annabeth causing controversy by getting into a fist fight with matt sloan one day…..

anonymous asked:

Imagine that the Avengers don't like Rhodey. Maybe they're mad about Iron Man 2, maybe they think he enables Tony to much, whatever. Cue Tony in the bizarre position of having to defend Rhodey for once in his life.

Steve had made them all swear they were going to be civil.  Clint had made the promise pretty damn reluctantly, but he had promised, and he was doing his best, but the fact remained that he did not like Colonel James Rhodes, and there was a reason SHIELD never tried sending him on undercover missions.

It wasn’t that Rhodes was just inherently unlikable.  He was actually pretty easy-going and charismatic, and in another life, Clint actually thought they’d get along pretty well.

But this wasn’t a different life, this was a life where Clint knew Tony Stark.  Therefore, he could not stand Colonel James Rhodes.

Keep reading

Creed the Drunk

Me: “Y'know, it occurs to me I maybe solve too many of our problems through alchohol, and also that at any given moment all of you are too tolerant of my drunken shenanigans.”

Ewok: “I’m not.”

Me: “As evidenced by you punching me whenever I try to drink something in the same room as you. But no, even you do it! Like the time you were GM'ing and we needed to steal a ship, but couldnt because of ‘morals’, so you let me get so drunk I couldn’t be held accountable for my actions and dragged the other party members with me when I stole it!”

GM: “Well, your entire character is alcohol. That it literally all you wrote down on your character sheet.”

Me: “Fair enough.”

Willie the Flatulating Fattie: “We also stopped questioning where you get all of your alcohol from since The Party Boat.”

Me: “Also fair enough! Oh, that reminds me, I start drinking some wine and offer my Wompa-killing alchohol to the Hutt.”

Ewok: “I punch him.”

MY YEAR AS A BARISTA

I was so young: 

  • Look at me. I have no idea what’s coming. Poor fool. About to be sacrificed to the corporate gods of America on a giant, flaming pile of coffee beans. I’m laughing hysterically as I write this.
  • First barista in the store to go through digital training. My brain hurt. 
  • Me: “I don’t like the taste of coffee, but man, I love the smell of it!” 
  • Me, six months later: “Starting to hate this smell, but I have developed a slight addiction for cold brew”
  • Me, a year later: “I f**king hate this smell. Can’t get it out of my bra. It’s so bitter, like me.”
  • Me, @ customers on the phone while I am trying to take your order: DO NOT.
  • Trying burnt shots is literally an initiation ritual.
  • My face the first time someone ordered 5 shots of espresso over ice: 
  • Are you not afraid of dying? Perhaps you should try to ween yourself off of caffeine. Do you know what the inside of the urns look like even after we’ve cleaned them? I’m guessing your internal organs don’t look much better.  
  • Customer orders 8 shots over ice.
  • SOY MILK SPLOOSHES OVER EVERYTHING.
  • Almond milk tastes like cream of mushroom soup. 
  • Pumpkin Spice sauce is mostly made of squash. 
  • There is no such thing as an iced cappuccino.
  • Several customers think our pour-over coffee is too weak. How SHOT do your taste buds have to be?
  • A customer kinda apologizes for ordering a “diva drink”….which is a decaf latte with vanilla. I laugh sardonically. Me, internally: “Dear lady, this is not a diva drink. You have no idea what people are capable of ordering. It would blow your mind.”
  • Customer orders a drink with 8 pumps of white mocha, and 3 pumps of vanilla, or something equally nauseating. 
  • Me: 
  • Me: “Do want some espresso with that sugar?” 
  • Woman wants spoon when she gets a drink with whip on it. Same girl, same. 
  • First week I work there another barista accidentally spills coffee over my arm. I laugh as I wipe it off and amazingly am not burned. She feels bad but honestly I was totally fine.
  • PSA: lacquer thinner gets out Sharpie stains
  • Horrible racist, verbally abusive guy worked at the store for a while and made everyone’s life a misery. So there’s that. Amazingly did not get fired and simply got a new job elsewhere. 
  • “Oh, I’m sorry, we’re out of that sandwich right now” Disappointing customers is one of my least favorite things on multiple levels.
  • Rang his really handsome guy up for 20 gift cards at $5 each. He wanted to pay with a credit card. I hit the cash button. I turned beat red. Had to activate every single card all over again…I think…can’t remember because I died inside from embarrassment. 
  • PEOPLE WHO ORDER DRINKS WITH NO FOAM I HAVE ONE THING TO SAY TO YOU: 
  • People are suffering all over the world and you make me remake your drink 3 times until there is not an ounce of foam on your f**king latte?
  • GET. A. LIFE.
  • Mobile orders include classics like, I kid you not: Venti iced late, 5 shots, 6 pumps of white mocha, 2 pumps raspberry, whole milk, light ice, whipped cream, caramel drizzle. Often for people who have the gaul to type in “The Goddess” as their name. 
  • I’ve pulled 8 hour shifts before while having my period. Took paracetamol with codeine and felt fine. Probably too good.
  • It’s VENTEEEEEEE not VENTAAAAAAAY. 
  • That nice Czechoslovakian guy who always ordered long shots. Why.
  • Literally freezing outside. Customer orders an iced caramel macchiato.
  • One time during frappuchino hour (”frappy hour”) a dude didn’t want to miss the deadline so he ran to the store so hard he actually puked in the bathroom. I have never wanted a particular drink that badly.  
  • 1 frappuccino and 15 hot drinks on the bar. Some people just wanna watch the world burn.
  • Dude hands me a $20, I’m giving him his change back. He practically throws the change at me and says “here, now give me a dollar.” I’m like ???????? He was rude and would not stop talking and my brain locked up. I was so freaked out I needed to have the shift take over. 
  • Woman RUDELY explains to me what a cappuccino is and how I made it wrong. Thanks for the tutorial, b***h. I explained curtly that I am used to making them dry after I had remade her drink. Apparently my previous polite apology was not enough. 
  • It’s ESpresso, not EXpresso.
  • Me: “MOBILE ORDER, I HAVE YOUR BECKY!!” 
  • Accurate representation of days when we get a shipment delivered on a busy day: 
  • Number of times I have used the pun “boxed in”: TOO MANY.
  • Woman comes in and asks how many shots fit a Venti cup. Answer: 18.
  • Customer places order. I repeat order to make sure. They say no. I apologize for mishearing. Customer complains to barista on bar, “I ordered a GRANDE SOY LATTE and a TALL REGULAR LATTE.” B**ch, no. I asked you if that’s what you ordered and you said no. Leave. 
  • That one dude who goes by “B.J.”….do you not understand the irony? Go onto Urban Dictionary and look up B.J. You might learn something. 
  • Tip: When you’ve filled the cup up too full, gently press down mouth-hole side down first. 
  • Customer orders a caramel cooler. Me, internal: “Sure! I mean, this is Starbucks, not Caribou but we can make you a caramel frappuccino which is basically the same thing.”
  • That one dude who buys 4 pounds of Guatemalan coffee and makes us check how fine the Turkish grind is. We put it in a cup and he feels how fine it is. Once I worked on tightening the grinder for 15 minutes until it was right. He’s nice, but he needs to get a hobby…or his own G**-damn grinder. 
  • We have the chip reader.
  • There will be days when dome lids will not go on the frappuccinos. 
  • Drink stoppers = plugs = mermaid sticks …etc etc etc
  • Number of times I contemplated leaving my phone number on the cups of attractive dude customers: 87.5.
  • Me @ customers: STOP PICKING UP THE WRONG CUP, DRINKING IT, AND THEN COMPLAINING. IT’S YOUR BLOODY FAULT. LISTEN TO WHAT I’M CALLING OFF. YOUR NAME IS JOAN AND YOU ORDERED A GRANDE SOY LATTE. YOUR NAME IS NOT MUHAMMAD AND YOU DID NOT ORDER A TALL EXTRA HOT CHAI TEA LATTE WITH NO WATER AND NO FOAM. STEP AWAY FROM THE COUNTER. WAIT.
  • I write the entire complicated diva drink on a hot cup. Customer says “I want that iced.” Me, internal: “OK, well that’s another 5 minutes for me to write that paragraph on a new f**king cup, you ass.”
  • I made this: 
  • Customer orders coffee that should be brewing but the supervisor told you to dump it 5 minutes ago. I’m like “I’m sorry, that’s on pour-over. Do you have 3 or 4 minutes to wait for that?” Answers may vary.
  • First manager says “tell them it takes 2 minutes.” Me: “OK.” I continue to tell the truth, it takes 4 freaking minutes. 
  • Very sweet customer comes in. I say “Hi Pixie, how are you?” She’s like “thank you for remembering my name, Sarah!” Honey, your name is Pixie. That’s why I remember. 
  • Tip: cod liver oil applied to burns decreases discomfort and prevents major scarring. 
  • Please do not thrust a credit card into my face-area.
  • Yes, we have the chip reader. 
  • Oven: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!! 
  • Customer: “Ineedagrandemochawithsoyandnowhipandatalllatewithhazelnetandanextrashotandacupoficewater.”
  • Me, internal: “You don’t need coffee right now.” 
  • Me, internal: “Don’t you get friggen annoyed with me! You’re the one who turned one sentence into a word.”
  • That one time I killed a gigantic centipede in the back room.
  • It’s Wednesday and no one did the tips? WTF. 
  • I will smell the sanitizer for all time. 
  • Little brat steals a $5 bill from the tip jar. Gone before I notice. Kid, that’s my food money. I literally live off that. I love kids, don’t ruin that for me. 
  • Customer borrows the phone “real quick.” 25 minutes later…Me: “Can I have the phone back? We need to accept business calls.”
  • Line of 15 customers out the door. I’m the only one on register. Everyone orders a breakfast sandwich. “Can I get a little help here?” No answer. 
  • Me: *drops iPod in the sink* I am stupid. 
  • YES WE HAVE THE CHIP READER!!!!!!!
  • When people ask me about working at Starbucks: 
  • My hair smells like coffee. My pillow smells like coffee.
  • Me: “Do you want room for cream?”
  • Customer: “That’s fine.”
  • Me, internal: “Sooooo, is that a yes or a no?”
  • WHAT’S THAT SCREAMING?!! Eggnog lattes are back.
  • Auditor shows up. Everyone panics but me, because I clean up fast. I got your back, even if you don’t have mine. Because we’re gonna pass that damn inspection as we do every time. The espresso machines have been cleaned. No milk crust there. We pass. I smile to myself thinking “I helped us pass”…but I don’t say a word. 
  • Fastest milk wand in the (Mid)west. Cracks whip. Also squirts whip. 
  • Don’t correct me on bar. Don’t tell me I have the order wrong. I’m fast, I’m efficient. I get it right. Even if I don’t always steam the milk first. In the end, as long as I’m quick and clean and accurate, it’s all good. 
  • I know 45% of the customers by name. 
  • I can ring people up in 30 seconds or less. 
  • I just wanted to make drinks. But then customers showed up.
  • 20 drinks on the bar. Me:
  • I AM A HUMAN, NOT A MACHINE. 
  • But really, I’ve learned so much, about people, about myself, about the work world. Ended up hating most of my co-workers and liking over half the customers. As many times as this job made me upset, it’s been an amazing ride. 
Dating Jungkook would include

-having like the most awkward first kiss ever

-“so do I move in or..?”

-“JUST DO IT.”

-late night binge watching random animes with him

-“I PROMISE, THIS IS GONNA BE THE LAST EPISODE OKAY??”

-*proceeds to watch three whole seasons with him*

-random dancing everywhere

-his closet being like 97% white

-stealing piles and piles of his shirts for yourself

-*doesn’t notice cause he has so many*

-his ethereal, angel voice is everywhere

-and you absolutely love it.

-DABBING

-SO MUCH DABBING.

-him spacing out in the middle of conversations

-/insert jungshook face here/

-he’s literally just a walking meme 24/7

-spamming each other’s texts with derps

-random pillow fights

-jungkook accidentally elbowing you in the face

-*eyes widen* *runs away before you kill him*

-you chasing him and eventually bringing him back by the ear anyways

-Jungkook: *knows what to do to get outta trouble* *plays hidden aegyo card*

-“…Are you still mad?”

-“…NO BUT I’M ONLY LETTING YOU GO CAUSE YOU’RE SO FLIPPING CUTE OKAY DON’T TOUCH ME WHY ARE YOU SO PRECIOUS OH MY GOD”

-Jungkook: *proceeds to run away with his evil bunny laugh*

anonymous asked:

How does Kazimir and G!sans child look like?

kazi: he’s a little shit that crawled out of my womb.
G!sans: i have to agree.
Hebi: fuck you too

things about him:
-he’s a literal snake
-i mean he kills with strong poison so dont eat what he tries to give you.
-his parents dont take care of him, he takes care of himself ever since he learned how to walk.
-he steals things.
-he’s an angry bean who needs love.
-kazi doesnt want to take care of him cuz he reminds him of G
-G!sans simply doesnt want to take care of him

Charming Pan

Request: Can you do one where the reader started dating Peter in storybrooke and she told charming but he wasn’t too happy about it so when Peter showed up for your date charming gave him the talk and throughout the imagine the reader has a brother sister relationship with charming and he’s very protective?

Warnings: AU-ish???

“How could you be dating that beast?” Charming, the closest person you had to a family, threw his hands in the air. You sat on the couch, nervous.

“I don’t know! We started talking, and we ended up liking one another,” you exclaimed. “He makes me happy.” 

You gave a look to Charming. He was the only family figure you had; he was like your older brother. And when he found out you were dating Peter Pan, the Demon from Neverland, he was not happy about it.

“He’s also taking me on a date tonight…” You added in, looking down at your toes. 

Charming looked at you, mouth agape. “Unbelievable! How could you do this, Y/N? The boy is evil! He probably wants something from you. Wants your hearts, wants to kill you; maybe even just want you for sex! I can’t let you. I can’t.”

You shot up from your spot on the couch. “Charming! He’s a nice guy, I swear! He’s trying to better himself. I promise, no funny business.”

Charming looked at you. He eyed you with his arms folded over his chest. He loved you and cared for you. He trusted you completely, he just didn’t trust Peter. He couldn’t let you go on a date alone with that thing. He could hurt you. Really hurt you. He still had all his powers when in Storybrooke. He could tear out your shadow, or steal your heart. Charming couldn’t let that happen.

“He should be here in about thirty minutes, I’m going to get ready.” You said it so quickly that Charming didn’t have time to intervene before you darted up the stairs to change.

As you were getting ready, Peter was on his way over to your little apartment. He wasn’t expecting Charming to be there at all. He knew very well that no one in Storybrooke liked him. Knew that all they saw was a demon. Knowing that he was now living in Storybrooke, people stayed away from him. Peter really was trying to start a newer and better life. He was starting to not use his magic for evil. And you were going to help him along the way.

Peter knocked on your door five minutes early. That’s all Charming needed. Charming answered he door with a scowl on his face. Peter’s eyes went wide, not expecting to see him.

“Pan,” Charming smiled. “Good to see you.”

“Uh, good to see you, too,” Peter replied nervously.

“Come in and sit down. Y/N’s still getting ready, so don’t ask where she is. You and I are going to have a talk.” Charming’s voice was so brusque. It made Peter feel uneasy. 

But he listened to charming. He walked inside and took a seat. It was yours and his first official date, so he was already nervous. Now with Charming here, Peter was even more nervous.

“All right, Pan,” Charming began, face emotionless. “No funny business. I’m the only family Y/N has, so if you mess with her, you’re messing with me. You do not use her, do not disrespect her, and do not mistreat her. I’m not happy that out of all the people she could’ve ended up with, she chose you. Not happy at all. But it’s her decision.”

Peter nodded. “No funny business, got it.”

“I mean it, Pan. None at all. You do not harm her in any way. Meaning that you do not tear off her shadow or steal her heart. I swear, if you kill that girl, I will end you. Literally. Do not mess with her. Do not pressure her. If she comes home telling me you pressured her into sex or anything of the sort, you’re out of here. Are we clear?”

Again, he only nodded.

“I promise, I’m not here for any of that. I really like her. I want to take her out someplace nice.”

Charming leaned in, eyes dark. “That girl deserves the world. This isn’t a mindless game. This isn’t playtime.”

“Yes, I understand that!” Peter raised his voice a bit, becoming a little irritated. “I know she deserves the world! That girl is a bright star in my eyes. She’s this light, a ball of energy, and she deserves the best. Well, I’m going to try to give her my best. Okay?”

Before Charming could reply, you came down your little stairs. You were dressed in cozy but nicer clothes. Nothing too fancy though. A smile formed on your lips immediately. You rushed over to Peter to hug him. He hugged you back, a big grin resting on his face as well.

“Sorry you had to wait, I couldn’t find my shoes!” You giggled. 

“No worries, darling. I don’t mind the wait,” he looked at you, taking in your appearance. “You look marvelous.”

You blushed hard. “Oh, stop. This is just… regular clothes.” You were so shy and sweet. Why you chose Peter was beyond Charming. He just didn’t understand it.

“You look great in anything,” Peter told you. That made you blush harder. “Should we be off then?” You nodded.

“Yep, have fun you two. I’ll be here, waiting for your return, Little Lady.,” Charming looked at you. You rolled your eyes at him, telling him goodbye.

You and Peter walked hand-in-hand down the street. He was taking you someplace special. Though as you two walked away, Charming secretly followed, keeping a distance. He watched you and Peter the entire night just to make sure Peter didn’t do anything out of hand. He didn’t.