if you get me a job in europe i will seriously give you my first born

2017 Miss Universe:  All the Weird of Hieronymus Bosch, but Fabulous and Feathery

If I can I’ll get back to the SAG awards, but Miss Universe national costume takes precedence over everything, including work.  Especially work.  I wait all year for this shitshow, and from last year’s…creations, you can see why.  Because I’ve always wanted to know what Hieronymus Bosch would have produced given the chance on Project Runway.

Angola came as a techno angel ice-queen, and its Miss is desperately trying to see past that headdress sliding down her face.  Should have included goggles.  Just completely cyber-ice-punked this whole thing out.

Joined by Brazil, the cyber-punk Black Parrot.  If someone had asked me to draw a picture of a “sparkly parrot dominatrix,” this is not what I would have come up with, but it’ll do.

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I’m in Big Trouble

A/N: Day 4 of 25 Days of DC Christmas. (So I was going to post a different one today but I had a really bad case of writers block so I tried a different one instead! Sorry if you were expecting another one today! I will get it posted I promise!) 

Request: Reader has been making up a boyfriend for the past few months and has to take Barry (her friend) to be her stand in bf for Christmas eve and Christmas. Fluff please! Thanks :)

Word Count: 1,953

Barry was stretched out on my couch, exhausted from a day of super speed heroics when I opened the door to my apartment. Ever since I gave him my spare key he would often make himself at home, which I hadn’t really minded. Coming home to Barry was natural, we had been friends forever, and I knew him even better than Iris did. “Hey, Barr,” I smiled as I locked the door behind me, “What are you watching?”

“I may or may not have finished game of thrones without you,” he admitted sheepishly as he stretched out further, his long limbs hanging off the sides of my small couch.

“Barry Allen,” I scolded shaking my head completely aware that I would receive an earful of spoilers.

“Oh and your mom called,” he quickly changed the subject, “Your voicemail got it.”

“Okay,” I sighed before strutting into the kitchen.

“You’re the only person I know who still has a landline,” his voice followed me, “Talk about behind the times.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a landline, now all my junk calls go to my landline and I don’t have to deal with telemarketers calling my cell,” I argued thinking my plan was pure genius.

“And your mother’s a junk call?” he asked laughing loudly.

“But, of course,” I smiled. We both knew that my mother called on an overwhelmingly consistent basis and if I ever answered her calls it would lead to at least a fifteen minute conversation, and that’s low-balling it. I stared out the window at the falling snow as I played my mother’s message, “Hey, sweetie, it’s me. I was just wondering what time you and the boyfriend will be coming this weekend on Christmas eve. Your brother will be back in town so there will be plenty of catching up to do. Emily won’t stop talking about how excited she it. I can’t wait to meet the young man. You’ve hardly told us anything about him. I made your father promise to be nice. Just give me a call back and let me know what time we can expect you. Dinner will start at seven. Love you, sweetheart.” Click. The message ended and my heart dropped.

“Shit, shit shit!” I yelled at the phone as I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration. I don’t have a boyfriend. Why did I even make him up? This was such a stupid idea. I knew this would bite me in the ass one day. And I can’t tell my family he just broke up with me. No one would believe me. Then they’d know I was so pathetic I made up a love life. But how could I not with them constantly nagging me about it.

Suddenly a hand rested on my shoulder nearly scaring me half to death, “Holy shit, Barry!” I smacked him playfully, “You scared me.”

“What’s wrong? You were yelling at inanimate objects,” he laughed slightly before a look of concern washed over his face.

“It’s nothing it’s just Christmas with my family. And I kind of said something stupid a few months ago and now I don’t think I can fix it. And… ugh…” I rested my head on Barry’s chest, “I am an idiot.”

“Why? What did you say?” he was curious, the way he usually got about science and metahumans.

“I told them I had a boyfriend, which you and I both know is far from the truth,” then a terrible, horrible, really bad idea popped into my head. He stayed silent, as if reading my mind, “Barry…”

“Oh, no…” he knew exactly what was happening and he started to back away slowly holding his hands out as to stop me from asking the inevitable question.

“Will you be my fake boyfriend for the weekend?” I pleaded closing the space between us, with a mischievous grin on my face.

“No, y/n, don’t go roping me into your lies. I’m supposed to be a hero remember?” he stood tall in his best superhero pose that only made me giggle.

“Yes I remember. And I need saving,” I stuck my bottom lip out in a pout, “Please, Barry. Pretty please with a cherry on top.”

He rolled his eyes and hung his head back, “Ughhh… fine.” He gave in so easily and laughed at his lack of willpower.

“Yay!” I smiled and laughed, hugging him tightly, “I will totally make this up to you. Seriously, anything you want, just name it!”

“Oh, now I have to think about that…” he smiled and held his hand up to his chin, thinking intently.

I pulled up to my parents house in my little blue honda, with Barry in the passenger’s seat sleeping. It had been a long car ride and since Barry couldn’t just speed us to my parents house we had to get there the old fashioned way. As I parked in the driveway I lightly tapped Barry on the shoulder, “Hey, Barr. Wake up.” He stirred but didn’t wake. I tried to wake him up gently but he just wasn’t having it. I was done, “Barry, come on wake up! We’re here!” The raise in my voice caused him to jump slightly.

“What I’m up!? I’m up,” he stirred and looked at me, “You didn’t have to yell.”

“I kind of did. I’ve been trying to wake you up for the past five minutes,” I started to laugh at his hair all pushed to the side in a disheveled mess. I reached into my purse and pulled out a brush, “You might want to fix your hair.”

He looked in the mirror and his eyes grew wide. He gladly took the brush and frantically tried to smooth his hair down, “Better?”

“Much,” I smiled as I tucked the brush back in my purse, “You ready?”

“Born ready,” he smiled and sped out of the car opening the door for me.

As we approached the door it swung open wildly and my younger sister ran out nearly tackling me to the ground, “Oh my god, y/n!” 

“Hey, Emily,” I smiled as she squeezed me tighter.

“I’ve missed you so much! I can’t believe you moved so far away. I have so much to tell you. Senior year has been so crazy. Did I tell you I got accepted to all of my top five schools. And I went on a date, dad nearly killed the boy. He’s not my type anyway. Oh and Tyson is back from Europe. He brought a girl! And-” she rambled at a mile a minute only hesitating when she noticed Barry standing behind me, “And you brought a boy,” she whispered and giggled, “This is going to be interesting.”

“Emily, this is Barry, Barry this is my kid sister Emily,” I introduced him and Barry stood there slightly awkward not knowing how to approach this introduction.

He stuck his hand out, “Nice to meet you.” Emily shoved past his hand and wrapped him in a small hug.

“I’m a hugger,” she warned before grabbing my hand and dragging me into the house, Barry only steps behind, “Mom, Dad, y/n is here and she brought her boyfriend.”

Emily was right about one thing this was certainly going to be an interesting weekend.

The first several hours went smoothly. We looked through pictures from Tyson’s trip to Europe, Emily told us all about her big decision to choose between Starling City, Chicago, Central City, Kansas State, or Penn State. My mother wanted her to go to the local college but with Emily’s brains she could have gone to Harvard. Evangeline, Ty’s new girlfriend told us about life in Italy. I told my parents all about my job as CCTV media consultant. Then my mother wanted to know more about Barry. I told them how we met at Jitters when I was working with Iris on the weekends. When Emily asked about our first date Barry took the reigns. 

“Well, I was really nervous asking her out, she was so beautiful I could barely put a sentence together. When she said yes I planned the whole evening out. We were going to start at this little Italian restaurant on the west side of town and then go to a movie that my friend Cisco recommended,” he paused and looked at me in a way I’d never seen before, “But as we walked to dinner my phone rang and I got called into work. You see- I’m a CSI for the CCPD and a case had come up. So we never got to finish our first date,” as I thought about what he was saying I realized that I remembered that night. Wait… when he asked me if I wanted to hang out… did he mean go out on a date? But he couldn’t… could he? We’ve been friends for over three years now. Surely he would have told me if he had feelings for me…

“But you got to finish that date right?” Emily asked expectantly, she was such a sucker for a sappy story.

This is where Barry embellished, “Oh yeah. We ended up doing all those things later.” We hadn’t. The next time I had seen him was back at Jitters. Cisco and Caitlin invited me to go out for drinks with them and the rest was history. But I had a feeling I wasn’t getting the whole story.

After hours of talking, eating, and for those of us who were legal, drinking; we slowly started for bed. I led Barry into my childhood bedroom, still painted a soft blue with band and movie posters plastering the walls. I grabbed some blankets out of the closet and started to lay them out on the floor while Barry got dressed in the bathroom. I grabbed one of the pillows off the bed and set it on the ground while I laid down on the carpet under the blankets. A minute or so later Barry opened the door, “What are you doing on the floor?” he whispered tilting his head to the side.

“You can have the bed,” I offered with a smile, “It’s the least I can do for dragging you here.”

“No,” he stated firmly staring at me with those soft green eyes.

“Well where else do you expect me to sleep? I can’t very well sleep on the couch. My parents might think something is up,” I reasoned but a mischievous grin rose on Barry’s lips and in a flash of lighting I wound up on the bed, tucked under the blankets next to Barry.

“If you’re parents walk in and see you sleeping on the floor they’ll think we’re fighting. Plus I believe the deal was that I be your ‘boyfriend’ for the weekend. Boyfriends do not allow their girlfriends to sleep on the floor,” I opened my mouth the argue but the words refused to escape my lips. All I could think about was the warm feeling that filled my core when he called me his girlfriend. No, I can’t. Do I? What the hell? Snap out of it! There’s no way I have feelings for Barry, we’re friends and this would just fuck everything up. But look at him, he’s adorable and he wants me to sleep with him. Plus what he said about the date… but no he would have said something. Right?

“Earth to y/n,” he waved his hand in front of my face trying to get my attention.

“What? Yeah. Did you say something?” I snapped back from the rambling train of thought running through my thoroughly confused mind.

“It’s midnight. Merry Christmas,” he smiled at me and my heart melted. I’m in big trouble.  



So I was writing this and have now decided that this definitely needs a part two… when it will be posted is TBD so just keep a look out.

                               001. SETTING: LOS ANGELES

LA is one of the biggest cities in the country and so I figured that for my VERY FIRST RPH guide I would provide some information about what living in Los Angeles is actually like. There are so many misconceptions about Los Angeles and California as a whole that I thought I could shed some light so people can have more accuracy in their LA-set rps! Without further ado, here are ten points I thought I’d bring up (and if you have any questions that are more specific, my askbox is open). (Of course, standard disclaimer: these are just my experiences blah blah I’m sure there are people who live here who would disagree with me.)

source: lived in LA my entire life, born here, my parents were born here, my cat was born here, I go to school here, I breathe the smog, etc.

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Psychedelic fiction (Lauren/you)

Summary: You’ve hit rock bottom after being accompanied for a longer time by the wrong people. Now you have to work twice as hard to prove your fans and the world wrong. You find support coming from the girl group Fifth Harmony, mainly from Lauren Jauregui, who soon might become something more than a friend to you.

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New Life // chapter six

Zendaya’s pov:

I was cuddled into Nicole’s chest. I stoped crying and became extremly tried of it.

“This man is sick to his head I swear.” I heard her pissed voice. It was so sharp you could cut paper with it.

“He is not a man he is a monster.” Alex said sitting on the passanger sit.

I think they thought I was sleeping because I had close eyes but in fact I wasn’t, it was just hard to keep them open.

“I am so mad.” Nicole said.

“Guys..” I said weakly.

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