if you couldn't tell i'm the one on the right

Captain America: Civil War
  • "Did you know about this?"
  • "If you do this, they will never stop being afraid of you."
  • "I can't control their fear, only my own."
  • "Can you move your seat up?"
  • "Couldn't you have done that earlier?"
  • "I hate you."
  • "Clearly retirement doesn't suit you, get tired of playing golf?"
  • "Well, I played 18, I shot 18, just can't seem to miss."
  • "First time for everything."
  • "Made you look."
  • "Anyone ever tell you you're a little paranoid?"
  • "I know you're nervous and you have every right to be, but you're lying."
  • "Do you even remember them?"
  • "I remember them all."
  • "How long are you gonna play both sides?"
  • "Are you incapable of dropping your ego for one god damn second?"
  • "I'm not the one who needs to watch their back."
  • "Are you sure about this?"
  • "I can't trust my own mind."
  • "So you like cats?"
  • "How long do you think you can save your friend from me?"
  • "Well, then... what are you doing here?"
  • "I didn't want you to be alone..."
  • "The people that shoot at you, usually wind up shooting at me."
  • "I don't do that anymore."
  • "Well, the people who think you did are coming here now. And they're not planning on taking you alive."
  • "That's smart. Good strategy."
  • "It always ends in a fight."
  • "Shit! I thought it was a water truck. My bad!"
  • "You seem a little defensive."
  • "Well, it's been a long day."
  • "Oh, you're going to have to take this to the shop!"
  • "Who's speaking?"
  • "It's your conscience. We don't talk a lot these days."
  • "Are we still friends?"
  • "That depends on how hard you hit me."
  • "Give me back my ____!"
  • "I said I would help you find him, not catch him."
  • "What's up tic-tac?"
  • "I can do this all day."
  • "Ugh...what time zone is this?"
  • "Sometimes I just want to punch you in your perfect teeth."

The Sled Dog Guy Mystery, on AO3, a modern A/U Bodhi/Cassian story featuring mystery, intrigue, a sarcastic German Shepherd named K2, nosy neighbors Baze and Chirrut, the hypothermia snuggling-for-warmth trope, and some terrible knitwear that may secretly turn out to be plot-significant. Rated E because they take that hypothermia trope really seriously.

(Despite the summary, it turned out not to be either crack or fluff. Warnings as listed at the fic page.) 

“Sled Dog,” Sled Dog Guy repeated, mystified, but he was still smiling. Oh no, Bodhi thought. He’s hot. Without the obscuring frame of the furry hood, it was a lot easier to make out the fact that he had a really handsome narrow face, high cheekbones, slightly aquiline nose, round deep-set eyes with crinkled corners that gave him a mischievous look, really chiseled jaw– yeah unfortunate. “Oh, the– the coat.”

“Your parka,” Bodhi said. “I thought you probably mushed dogs for a living, and was wondering where one would park one’s dog team around here. I see you don’t have the parka or the dogs today.”

“No,” Sled Dog Guy said, “I wish I had a team of sled dogs! But no, it’s not as cold today. I still wouldn’t be sitting on a bench outside, though, what are you doing? Where’s your great hat?”

Bodhi gestured at his van. “Locked out,” he said. “Waiting for the dispatcher to send someone else. Didn’t wear the hat because it wasn’t that cold today, but I regret it now.”

“Shit,” Sled Dog Guy said. He looked at the van, looked up and down the street, then sat down next to Bodhi and leaned in a little. “Electronic locks?”

“No,” Bodhi said, “mechanical, why?”

Sled Dog Guy chewed on his lip. “I could probably get that door open,” he said quietly. He glanced over at Bodhi again. “Would you tell anybody?”

“Well, I’d have to explain it,” Bodhi said.

“We can pretend I work for Triple A,” Sled Dog Guy said, leaning in conspiratorially. “I used to. That’s how I know I can do it. The ones with the electronic locks and the car alarms, no, but if it’s a mechanical lock, I can open it.”

  • Draco: You look like you could use a cocktail.
  • Hermione: You're too late. [Draco laughs] Wow.
  • Draco: What?
  • Hermione: That's the first true laugh I've gotten from you in a while.
  • Draco: Listen, Granger-
  • Hermione: No, me first. Ron's waiting for me to give him an answer.
  • Draco: I heard.
  • Hermione: But you wanna know what's stopping me? I can't answer his question while I'm waiting for you to answer mine. The one I asked you forever ago. What are we, Draco?
  • Draco: Hermione...
  • Hermione: Last fall you said we couldn't be together, and I believed you. But every time I try to move on, you're right there. Acting like-
  • Draco: Acting like what?
  • Hermione: Like... maybe you want just want me to be as unhappy as you are.
  • Draco: I would never wish that on anyone. I want you to be happy.
  • Hermione: Then look down deep, into the soul I know you pretend you don't have. Tell me if what you feel for me is real or if it's just a game. If it's real, we'll figure it out, all of us. But if it's not, then please Draco, just let me go... [Wipes away a tear]
  • Draco: [Looks at Hermione and considers this as Harry walks in the door and overhears] It's just a game. I hate to lose. You're free to go.
  • Hermione: [Teary-eyed] Thank you... [Leaves]
  • Harry: [Goes up to Draco] Malfoy why did you just do that?
  • Draco: Because I love her, and I can't make her happy...

I was tagged to post my top 10 favorite girl group songs by @gemquiet !! thank you!!

navillera -gfriend

decalcomanie -mamamoo

rookie -red velvet

dumb dumb -red velvet

windy day -oh my girl

happily ever after -red velvet

for you -lovelyz

one step, two step -oh my girl

moderato -mamamoo

every night -exid

I’ll tag @boyfriendminho @lesbianlunalovegood and @honeysejeong sorry if you’ve already been tagged lol!!

  • Asahi: What do you do when I'm away?
  • Nishinoya: [Tears in eyes] I wait for you to come back
Opera Abridged #1: Don Giovanni
  • Leporello: grumble grumble.
  • Don Giovanni: *kills Commendatore*
  • Donna Anna: AVENGE ME *sings a high A*
  • Don Ottavio: Ok, I'll avenge you, honey. *his sword is limp* Damn.
  • Donna Anna: Yeah, about that whole marriage thing...
  • Masetto: You're killing me, Zerlina.
  • Zerlina: A girl makes a mistake every now and then. What, are ya gonna beat me up?...Didn't think so.
  • Don Giovanni: Hey, why am I not having sex with someone right now?
  • Donna Elvira: If I can't have you no one can!
  • Don Giovanni: I'm all yours, babe.
  • Donna Elvira: Yay, now we can be happy!
  • Leporello: Psych, it was just me. You couldn't tell because I was wearing a different hat.
  • Don Ottavio: Aw, and I was just about to avenge you! *still limp*
  • Donna Anna: You tried. *she gives him a star*
  • Donna Elvira: My divine retribution sense is tingling. You'd better get your shit together, DG.
  • Don Giovanni: Haha, you're cute when you're mad.
  • Commendatore: Don Giovanni!
  • Don Giovanni: ...oh, shit.
  • Commendatore: Repent or go to hell.
  • Don Giovanni: I'll take hell.
  • Commendatore: Really? Ok, suits me. (Don Giovanni falls through a trap door.)
  • Everyone else: Serves the bastard right.
  • FIN
SQW Day 4 - Mistaken For a Couple
  • Regina: Emma, why is your mother glaring at us?
  • Emma: *sighs* She's mad a me.
  • Regina: What did you do now?
  • Emma: Me? Why do you assume I did something? She's just pissed because she thinks I don't trust her.
  • Regina: I thought you two were well past that.
  • Emma: We are! We just had a, uh, disagreement this morning.
  • Regina: About?
  • Emma: *shrugs* It's nothing.
  • Regina: You may think yourself a human lie detector, but you couldn't fib your own way out of a wet paper bag. Spill it.
  • Emma: Fine. It's stupid... I mean... You'll actually probably think it's really funny... Like, it's totally–
  • Regina: Swan! Out with it already.
  • Emma: Okay! Okay. She thinks... Well, she thinks that you and I... That I'm afraid to tell her that we're, you know... Together. *laughs awkwardly*
  • Regina: She thinks we are a couple?
  • Emma: Crazy, right?
  • Regina: *smirking* Hmm... Well, you did kiss me that one time...
  • Emma: I was drunk! Tipsy... Whatever. I don't know how things worked back in the Enchanted Forest, but here in the real world one kiss does not a couple make.
  • Regina: What about two?
  • Emma: We only kissed one–
  • Regina: *leans across the table and kisses Emma squarely on the lips*
  • Snow: *gasps loudly* I KNEW IT!
  • Emma: *gazing intently at Regina and ignoring her mother's outburst*
  • Emma: You aren't just messing with her... are you?
  • Regina: Not in the slightest.
  • Emma: Okay. *grins* Good.
OKAY SO I SAW THE NEW HALO 5 VIDOC AND WHEN THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW BUCK "basically bolted on parts of his old ODST armor" (onto his MJOLNIR) I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE TALK HE HAD WITH THE TECHNICIANS WHEN THEY WERE SETTING HIM UP WITH HIS KIT
  • Technician: Okay sir, time to suit you up. What's your flavor? Coms? CQB? Your file indicates that you favor the MA5 series of rifles.
  • Buck: Helljumper
  • Technician: Pardon, sir?
  • Buck: Got anything that looks like a Helljumper's BDU?
  • Technician: Well...the helmet and HUD of the ODST standard issue BDU does incorporate some tech first used in the MKIV but-
  • Buck: Great. Just slap some of that spartan tech in a Helljumper suit and I'll be good to go
  • Technician: Sir it doesn't work like that. The gel layer alone-
  • Buck: Look, I know it doesn't work like that. But is there /anything/ you can do? I mean, come on can you honestly see me in one of those Spartan rigs? Once a Helljumper always a Helljumper.
  • Technician: Sir I'm afraid there isn't much I can do...there hasn't been and ODST varient of MJOLNIR since the MKV and even then it was purely cosmetic to allow for easier integration between Spartan and non spartan personel...
  • Buck: Fine fine. Can't wait to tell Veronica. 'So turns out they didn't have a suit in my size and the tailor, for whatever reason, couldn't do much about it. Oh well.
  • Technician: Wait, sir? Veronica Dare? Okay, no. I'll see what I can do. H-Helljumper, right? I'll get on the line with Section Three and see if we can get you a suit to meet your needs. Haha. Not to worry sir.
  • Buck: Great! Pleasure doing business with you. See you in hell.
  • Technician: Pardon!?
  • Buck: Just how we ODST say 'goodbye.'
  • Technician: Oh. Alright then...(god damn. Spartan Palmer wasn't even this much of a handful)
  • Buck: What was that?
  • Technician: N-NOTHING SIR!
  • Buck: Alright then.
4

aty challenge: day three ★ favorite scene(s) that left a mark on you

“You know what—I might be a superhero, but there is no question, Ryke Meadows is one too. And he’s standing right by my side, heaven and hell.”

Moffy seems older. In this one moment. Life aged him, and he turns his head to me, more at peace with all this knowledge that would capsize most people. It would’ve crushed me. 

If Geillis and Dougal could text: 24/7 edition (You KNOW this is how it would go down)
  • Dougal: G?
  • Dougal: arya awake?
  • Dougal: oh god please be awake
  • Dougal: I've never needed ye this badly before
  • Dougal: wake up
  • Dougal: wake up
  • Dougal: wakkkee uppppp
  • Geillis: now then
  • Dougal: o thank god
  • Geillis: what could mighty Dougal Mackenzie need of the puir innocent Mistress Duncan
  • Geillis: at such an unsociable hour? 🤔
  • Dougal: come on now
  • Geillis: hmm?
  • Dougal: dinna make me beg
  • Geillis: I couldn't *imagine* what you're referring to
  • Geillis: you don't usually need herbs in the middle of the night
  • Geillis: and Arthur doesn't do transactions in the middle of the night
  • Dougal: Jesus you wretched tease, woman
  • Geillis: nope, I just can't fathom it.
  • Geillis: I shall go right back to sleep
  • Dougal: dinna pretend like ye don't need it too
  • Dougal: how much you want me to say those things to ye right this moment
  • Dougal: the things ye moan in my ear when I'm inside ye
  • Geillis: ...
  • Geillis: tell me
  • [two minutes pass]
  • Geillis: Jesus Dougal talk foul to me right this gd minute
  • Dougal: NOW who's the needy one
  • Geillis: I AM
  • Geillis: but not going to be so much longer because you're gonna give me what I want
  • Geillis: right NOW
  • Dougal: couldna possibly fathom your meaning
  • Geillis: *NOW* YOU FURRYFACE SHITE
  • Geillis: OR ILL BEWITCH YOUR PRIVATES TO SHRIVEL LIKE PRUNES
  • Geillis: YOU DONT KNOW THAT I CANT
  • Dougal: aye well
  • Dougal: as my terrifying sorceress commands
  • Geillis: Arthur's drugged as always
  • Geillis: I'm ready
  • [60 seconds]
  • Geillis: fck I'm so ready for you baby
  • Dougal: right, then
  • Geillis: say it
  • [two minutes]
  • Dougal: _B O N N I E_
  • Geillis: oh yes
  • Dougal: _ P R I N C E_
  • Dougal:
  • Geillis: oh god
  • Geillis: I wish you could've heard the sound that just came out of me
  • Dougal: Charles
  • Dougal: Edward
  • Dougal: Stuart
  • Geillis: oh GOD
  • Dougal: wrapped in the blue and white
  • Geillis: yesyes more babe
  • Dougal: me plowing you
  • Geillis: ...
  • Dougal: --with your back against the royal portrait
  • Geillis: OH GODso closebabymoeremoremore
  • Dougal: so you can feel him and me
  • Geillis: more
  • Dougal: at
  • Dougal: the
  • Geillis: yes
  • Dougal: same
  • Geillis: yes
  • Dougal: time
  • Geillis: !!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • [30 seconds]
  • Geillis: Jesus
  • Geillis: that finished me
  • Dougal: 💪
  • Geillis: can'tcatch mybreath
  • Dougal: Macwarchief94 knows what his lady likes
  • Dougal: right from that first dm aye?
  • Geillis: well given that his lady was AlbaMyLovin69 it wasn't too much of a mystery
  • Geillis: but DAMN you do it so good babe
  • Dougal: 😎
  • Geillis: now it's your turn
  • Geillis: are you ready?
  • Dougal: GODYES
  • Dougal: give me the good stuff witch woman
  • Dougal: but start slow
  • Dougal: I want this to last
  • Geillis: very well then 😏
  • Geillis: imagine
  • Geillis: me
  • Geillis: completely naked
  • Geillis: WHITE COCKADES over my
  • Dougal: oh bloody GOD DAMN bleeding swiving hell
  • Geillis: ...already?
  • Dougal: no not that
  • Dougal: the feckin sassenach is trying to escape again
  • Geillis: ohhhh I would be so very down to bring her into this scenario
  • Dougal: DO NOT lose that thought
There is a line in Clean, the last song on 1989 – “When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe.” It talks about the loss of a relationship, but it could be about addiction, depression or the loss of someone. There’s this quote in [the book] The Fault In Our Stars, “Pain demands to be felt.” No matter how many times society tells you to put on a smiling face, pain is going to be felt one way or another, today or a year from now. I’ve seen people go through incredible difficulties and the ones who faced pain head-on made it out quicker than the ones who pretended they were OK.
—  Taylor Swift
Ask Meme - F•R•I•E•N•D•S version
  • "Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch-spit-on-your-neck fantastic?"
  • "I wanna quit the gym!"
  • "I wanna quit the bank!"
  • "You big tree..."
  • "How you doin'?"
  • "Wax the door shut. We're never leaving, ever."
  • "We were on a break!"
  • "I'm not great at the advice...can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"
  • "I tell people secrets, it makes them like me."
  • "[name] doesn't share food!"
  • "Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children....the personal ad writes itself."
  • "Well I couldn't tell her I was naked. She's allowed to see me naked."
  • "Why does anybody have to be naked?"
  • "Because, sometimes after you sleep with someone, you have to kill a fish."
  • "Are you sure you peed on the stick right?"
  • "It's not that common. It doesn't happen to every guy. And it is a big deal!"
  • "No one ever listens to me. When the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside!"
  • "Oh my God. You still have feelings for me, don't you?"
  • "In my defense, it was dark, and he was a very pretty guy!"
  • "Whoa, whoa, kindergarten flashback."
  • "Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback."
  • "Awww. Oh no, wait a minute. I have no one!"
  • "I have no idea what's going on but I'm excited."
  • "I'm so excited I may vomit."
  • "Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches."
  • "It was 18 pages. Front and back!"
  • "You're my lobster."
  • "Stick out your tongue."
  • "Take off your shirt!"
  • "Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey."
  • "You know what they say, ask your slippers a question...you're going crazy."
  • "Did you see the kid on that nose?"
  • "We saw them doing it through the window. Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window."
  • "Crossed the line? You're so far past the line! The line is a dot to you!"
  • "I know they call this a loveseat, but I'm not feeling anything special towards you."
The Devil's Advocate Starters
  • A woman's shoulders are the front lines of her mystique, and her neck, if she's alive, has all the mystery of a border town. A no-man's land in that battle between the mind and the body.
  • I nursed him through two divorces, a cocaine rehab, and a pregnant receptionist.
  • I've warned him every step of the way
  • These people, it's no mystery where they come from.
  • Where can you go from there?
  • We got a runaway train
  • Don't get too cocky
  • No matter how good you are, don't ever let them see you coming
  • You gotta keep yourself small. Innocuous. Be the little guy. You know, the nerd... the leper... shit-kickin' serf.
  • Look at me. Underestimated from day one.
  • You'd never think I was a master of the universe, now would ya?
  • Let me tell you about New York.
  • Revelation 18. Wouldn't hurt you to look it over
  • It has become a dwelling place of demons
  • You mean the possibility of leaving this case has never even entered you mind?
  • You know what scares me?
  • I don't want to resent her
  • I stand corrected.
  • You were right about one thing. I have been watching; couldn't help myself. Watching, waiting... holding my breath.
  • I'm no puppeteer. I don't make things happen; doesn't work like that.
  • What did you do to ___?
  • Free will, it's like butterfly wings – once touched, they never get off the ground. No, I only set the stage; you pull your own strings
  • Well, on a scale of 1 to 10 - 10 being the most depraved act of sexual theater known to man, 1 being your average Friday night run-through at the ___'s household - I'd say, not to be immodest, ___ and I got it on at about... seven.
  • Fuck you!
  • You got to hold on to that fury.
  • Who are you?
  • Oh, I have so many names.
  • Call me Dad.
  • She knew it... She knew it so you destroyed her.
  • Oh, I hope you're kidding.
  • You could have saved her anytime you wanted.
  • All she wanted was love.
  • Hey, you were too busy.
  • That's a lie!
  • Hey, I'm on your side.
  • You're a liar!
  • There's nothing out there for you.
  • Don't be such a fucking chump.
  • Stop deluding yourself!
  • I told you to take care of your wife
  • I know what you did. You set me up!
  • It's entrapment! You set me up!
  • You played me!
  • Vanity... is definitely my favorite sin.
  • It's so basic, self-love; the all-natural opiate. You know, it's not that you didn't care for ___. It's just that you were a little bit more involved with someone else, yourself.
  • You cannot keep punishing yourself
  • I've had so many children, I've had so many disappointments... mistake after mistake. And then there's you
  • What do you want from me?
  • Guilt is like a bag of fuckin' bricks.
  • He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off! He's a tight-ass! He's a sadist! He's an absentee landlord
  • "Better to reign in Hell, than to serve in Heaven," is that it?
  • I'm here on the ground with my nose in it since the whole thing began!
  • I'm a humanist. Maybe the last humanist
  • She's ovulating... right now.
  • Your seed is the key to a new future
  • You want a child?
  • I want a family.
  • Free will, it is a bitch
  • I give you pleasure, no strings!
  • Freedom, baby, is never having to say you're sorry.
  • Did you know there are more students in law school than there are lawyers walking the Earth?
  • In the Bible, you lose. We're destined to lose
  • What about love?
  • I've wanted you from the moment we met.
  • Evil has its winning ways.
  • Speak of the devil...
#therealjacksepticeye #jacksepticeye
  • I wanted to tell you about one of your biggest fans. My son Jaxon Horne. He's 5 years old and can't get enough of your videos.
  • I'm not too much of a fan and no mother in her right mind would let their 5 year old watch such .. I don't want to be harsh but it's annoying useless info for me. BUT there's a story behind my message to you. Jaxon fell deathly ill and couldn't get around much so the phone occupied him. One day shortly after he fell ill he found your YouTube channel. I tried in every way to get him to watch anything else but he'd scream and cry until I let him have your channel back. I tried deleting, lying and saying you were gone. The site was deleted. NOTHING WORKED. He had to have your YouTube channel tucked in his phone and watching it continuously. He was so sick, I just gave in after a couple fights. He'd sit for hours softly giggling at your screams and cussing. Numerous times I heard him laughing and repeating all your vulgar rants. But at all times he watched you, he was happy. He had cat scratch fever and his lymph nodes had swollen under his arm to the size of a golf ball. The nodes retained so much infection they liquified poisoning his whole body. He was deathly ill. But you were always there. You took the pain away and made him forget he was only 34 lbs of aching bones. He was really beyond extremely sick. Even at his worst I could hear him cussing and laughing. Repeating your actions. After the cat scratch fever and surgery to remove the liquified nodes his immune system was severely weakened and he got sick again. He asperated in his lungs and caught pneumonia. He couldn't walk because the pains in his back where the pneumonia set in shot pains down his legs. He was completely immobilized. But still he could work his little fingers to pull you up on YouTube to gaze at your videos. I'd see faint smiles and brief times when he didn't have streams of tears rolling down his cheeks just watching you. You mesmerized him into make believe and again took away the pain from a deathly ill child. I can't thank you enough for your infectious characteristics that polluted a little boy with joy and happiness. If I hadn't had you there I don't know how Jaxon would have coped with all the days of pain. So you are my angel in a weird way. The joy you brought him was truly amazing. Again I thank you for the happiness you spread into my sons life. No one else could have so vulgarly, oddly, totally unorthodoxed, with the crap content you convey, brighten up a room the way seem to have a total knack of doing. Jaxon Horne really IS one of your biggest fans. He's better now. Still skinny but his appetite is coming back. It's been months now with no sickness but he has gotten neumerous ass wippings for cussing the neighbor kids. But on the bright side you taught him to use the words correctly. He's learned not to cuss as much but I still hear him hiding around the house repeating you word for word. Totally rewinding and saying the worst parts over 2-3 times. I don't say a word. You are keeping him occupied and laughing. Sorry this message is so long but I really wanted you to know Jaxon loves you and thinks you hung the moon. Oddly you were a blessing in our time of need and I'll never be able to show you the graditude you deserve for being a complete troll on a silly YouTube page. Maybe you can make sense of it all. I really can't but I'm not going to try to ever take you away from him again. Earlier i told you that you were my angel. I think you're Jaxons as well. Im going to place this post a couple places in hopes that you actually read it and know how much 1 little boy adores you. I'm sure you get tons of messages but every mom thinks their son is special and this has been weighing heavy on my heart to tell you your impact over a whole family in a very dark time in our life.
the signs literally as things i just made up

Aries: cucumbers

Taurus: everything that is right with the world

Gemini: that one song that gets played too much

Cancer: blanket burritos

Leo: when you accidentally trip up the stairs while people are watching

Virgo: wikipedia

Libra: wikipedia but in a different language

Scorpio: leftovers that might still be good but are highly questionable

Sagittarius: blank spaces on tests

Capricorn: skittles and m&ms mixed together

Aquarius: mall perfume departments

Pisces: mismatched socks

anonymous asked:

Freudian Slip //I'm sorry, I hope this is ok, I just couldn't resist how interesting this one could turn out xD {thephantomandhisangel}

Freudian Slip: Muse will accidentally let their dirty thoughts slip out in conversation.

Christine sat across from Erik at some fancy restaurant they’d decided on; there was no special occasion, they just felt like eating out that night. Christine was, in all honesty, a little tipsy, however she could still sort out right from wrong and was completely under her own persona. Though, something strange happened when she spoke. “…Oh! Did I tell you about Meg falling today during rehersal?

"It was, I don’t want to say wonderful, but it was wonderful! Nearly as wonderful as it would be if you would fuck me hard in box five.” She said, her hands immediately rushing to cover her mouth, what on earth did she just say?!

//XD Muhahaha!

The Most Interesting Abbreviated Memory Test I Have Ever Done
  • *for best effect, imagine my voice as that of a modern Briton and imagine the patient's voice as that of an old lady from Downtown Abbey*
  • Doctorphantom: Hello! I'm Doctorphantom, one of the doctors on the ward today. I just wanted to do a quick memory test on you if you don't mind, just to compare with the memory test we did on you when you first came to us. Is that all right?
  • Patient: Ohhhhh! Hellooooo! So you're a doctor? Myyyy aren't you young! Doctors are getting younger and younger! Handsome too!
  • DP: Haha. Thanks dear. Let's start the test shall we, I just need to -
  • Patient: Ohhh already? But I don't have a pen. Can I borrow yours young man?
  • DP: Oh don't worry, you don't need one.
  • Patient: Oh good
  • DP: You just need to answer my questions. Shall I start?
  • Patient: Yes, yes, go ahead.
  • *patient procedes to answer her age and DOB correctly*
  • DP: OK, what year is it?
  • Patient: Ohhhh, ahhhh, two million and...........fourteen.
  • DP: Two million? You told me you were born in 19xx though and you were in your 90s. You aren't nearly 2 million years old now are you? Haha.
  • Patient: Ohhhh, I had no idea I was 2 million years old! I need more candles on my cake doctor!!
  • DP: No, no! You were right the first time, dear! You ARE in your 90s. It is the year two thousand and fourteen.
  • Patient: Oh I SEE!
  • DP: OK, do you know which hospital you are in?
  • Patient: Yes, you're hospital.
  • DP: But what is it called? Or what is this area called?
  • Patient: Hmmmmm it must be called doctorphantom's hospital I'm guessing?
  • DP: I wish! But no, you are in X hospital.
  • Patient: Oh bother! I knew that. I just couldn't quite remember.
  • DP: Don't worry! Let's move onto the next question. Do you know what time it is right now, roughly?
  • Patient: I bet you know what I'm going to say....
  • DP: What's that?
  • Patient: About time you got a watch!
  • DP: Hahaha, but really though, what time or time of day do you think it is?
  • Patient: Oh, I guess it's around one O'clock because I had that dreadful hospital lunch not too long ago.
  • DP: Yeah that's right.
  • Patient: Oh so you've tasted hospital food too? I just can't stomach it!
  • DP: Hahaha, I was referring to you telling me the correct time! OK, when was the end of world war 2?
  • Patient: Oh, I remember that well. *patient begins telling me a long tale*
  • DP: *finally finds a point to interject at whilst not seeming rude* - ah, so what year was that when you heard the last bomb go off?
  • Patient: Hmmmmm, I can't seem to remember actually! Ask me again another time.
  • DP: "omg, I listened to all that for nothing >_>" OK, who is sitting on the throne?
  • Patient: Oh, her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth!
  • DP: Correct
  • Patient: It should really be me though *said in a genuinely disappointed voice*
  • DP: Hahaha. OK just a few more questions:
  • *I continue to ask the rest of the AMT questions: counting down from 20 to 1, recalling an address, recognising my job*
  • DP: OK! All done. You didn't do too bad at all, an improvement from when we first saw you actually.
  • Patient: Oh good! I passed! Will you give me a memory certificate now?
  • DP: Haha, not exactly, but it's important for us to know that your memory has returned to it's baseline.
  • Patient: Can you give me a certificate anyway? That WAS a hard test after all!
  • DP: Haha, I'll see what I can do. It was lovely to see you, dear. Take care
  • Patient: Oh you too young man! Do visit!
  • *I come back later with a powerpoint certificate I cobbled together*
  • Patient: Ahhhh! My certificate! I am going to put this right next to my hard of hearing sign on top of my bed! Thanks love!
  • DP: Hahaha! Not a problem! Have a nice day!