Insecurities (Josh Dun)
Hell this is my second ever imagine I have written on this blog and I am thankful for the notes I received on my first post, as always feel free to drop some requests in my inbox and I will try to get round to doing them as soon as possible.
I was in a very sappy mood so I decided that I was going to write some emotional stuff about Josh being insecure about his looks as well as comparing himself to Tyler.
I want you to know that everyone reading this out there is beautiful even if people tell you any different (Including yourself) Trust me you pretty and beautiful every single day. If you ever want someone to speak to feel free to send me a message. :)
Triggers: Josh talks about body parts he dislikes such as, hair, eyes, chest, tattoos, and height. If any of the things above trigger you please be careful, however they are only brief mentions and don't go into any detail.
I have alway been slightly an anxious person throughout my life, whether that means hiding behind my powerful drum kit and letting Tyler be the main attraction during concerts or breaking into a small sweat when I order at a restaurant scared that I will mess up a simple order. However I thought that the one thing that I was able to control really well was the amount of negative comments me and Tyler often receive, I tend to just block them out because I know how many positive comments we get back from our fans, but something is different.
As I sit on the cold sheets at the very edge of the bed that me and my girlfriend (Y/N) share I can’t help but hear all these pessimistic words flood into my ears. I am sitting shirtless with only a pair of basketball shorts laying low on my hips, my elbows creating red marks on my thighs from where I had been leaning on my hands for a period of time. I didn’t know where this ongoing battle in my brain was leading to but instantaneously, I couldn’t handle in any more and the tears cascaded down my cheeks all at once as if every hurtful, mean and spiteful comment I have ever read suddenly turned to a pool of tears I was slowly creating on the crisp clean bed sheets, I have no idea what has come over me but I don’t feel this flood of emotions starting to slow down anytime soon. I suddenly remembered that (Y/N) is downstairs and that I should quieten down, the last thing I want to do is worry her about my stupid problems. I quickly jump up off the bed and rush over to the large mirror that was on the wall above a chest of drawers and stared into it
She doesn't love you
She doesn't really want to be with you
Did you actually think that someone like (Y/N) would actually want to date someone like you.
Everyone likes Tyler more than you
Tyler is the attractive one
All you do is play the drums, Tyler does so much more and you just sit there
I look in the mirror that was in front of me, I stare into my dark brown eyes, brown boring old brown, I look at my bubblegum pink hair, its horrible, not even a natural colour. I continue to pinpoint different things on my body, my tattoos, my chest, my height and the list goes on.
“Josh are you alright? You have been in their a while now” I hear (Y/N) call from outside the door, with concern laced in her voice. I look once again into the glass mirror and rub the salty tears from my eyes trying my hardest to rid any evidence that I had been crying.
“Yes I’m fine, I will be out in a second” I reply unconvincingly because my voice broke halfway through.
“Josh, I know you’re upset please can I come in?” (Y/N) asks, (Y/N) wasnt stupid she knew when I was upset I don’t even know why I tried to hide it from her because I knew that she would just find out anyway. She was also stubborn so no matter how many times I tell her I am fine she wont stop pestering me to make sure that I really am alright.
I dont respond in the fear that my voice won’t be able to support me, I walk back over and sit on the bed like I was previously. (Y/N) pokes her head from around the door and sees me with my head in my hands trying with all that is left in me to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill.
“Oh Josh” (Y/N) exclaims sadly, putting her small her to her mouth and rushes over to comfort me.
I feel her protective arms wrap around my shoulders, I respond automatically by turning to her and burying my head into her soft sweet smelling hair, I continue to cry into her shoulder for another few minutes until I am settled enough to talk.
I explain to (Y/N) about all the emotions I have been experiencing and that I felt like people like Tyler more than me because he sings as well as play other instruments. I continue to speak to ashamed to look up at her softened glance. But when I finally do I notice she is also crying, however she speedily wipes the tears away not wanting to show her emotions on the situation.
“Josh, I can only understand that you being in a famous that at times it is going to get overwhelming for you, having all these amazing fans look up to you, admire you. However I know that you and Tyler are going to get your share of negative comments, but honestly that is because they are jealous, they are jealous that they can’t play the drums, they are jealous that it isn’t them on stage surrounded by thousands of people who love them, they are jealous that they can’t tour with their best friend, fuck that the people who say these low life comments proably don’t have a best friend.” (Y/N) takes a sharp intake of breath and swallows hard.
“I’m not finished” She cuts me off and I stay silent looking at her from the side, at this angle I can see how the low moonlight reflects beautifully off of her glistening eyes. She truly is beautiful.
“Do you know how upset it makes me when you say all these untrue negative things about yourself, Josh you are beautiful, personality wise and appearance wise, I love your chocolate brown eyes, because I love the way that they widen when you hear something funny, I love your pink hair because it suits your personality and I love the way that it sticks to your forehead when you play the drums.”
I cant stop grinning, I didnt realise that she picked up on all these small details about me.
“I love the your tattoos they look amazing, I love that when you are asleep next to me I trace over them softly not to wake you, I love your body all of it I love your toned chest and the way that your back glistens with sweat you have been playing the drums for a while. I love how tall you are you may not be the tallest but you don’t need to be any taller because your height is the perfect height for me to do this”
(Y/N) then gives me a quick and small peck on the lips, I grin widely.
“I love you Josh alot, and so do thousands if not millions of fans out there.” She finishes and tightens her grip around me. I sit in shock I didnt realise I did all of those things myself so I was surprised when (Y/N) picked up on them.
“Wow, I don’t know what to say, I mean how did you notice all these things about me?” I question a smirk appearing on my face. I see (Y/N) duck her head down as a red blush forms on her cheeks.
“I dont know I just, notice” She replies, I chuckle deeply.
“I love you (Y/N) and I’m sorry, I’m sorry for upsetting you”
“Josh it’s alright really, as long as you are feeling better then I am ok to. I love you” She says with a genuine smile on her lips.
We both sit there in silence for a minute just taking in each others company. (Y/N) stands up suddenly and stretched her arm out towards me, encouraging me to take her hand.
“C’mon, lets go watch a film and cuddle on the sofa for a bit” She suggests, I grin
“that sounds perfect.”