if u take this seriously

my favorite thing about the spanish harry potter translation is that instead of calling voldemort “the dark lord,” they call him señor tenebroso, which basically means “mr. spooky”

tag urself im fabio

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It’s been 10 years since we first started taking the Hobbits to Isengard. I mean, it’s been way longer - the Hobbits could have fucking walked there, back again, managed to get served several times at the downstairs bar in Doggett’s and got a Southeastern train service all the way to Charing Cross since Tolkien put pen to page. But (and believe me, this is deeply unusual for me) let’s put J R R aside in this.

Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy is kind of… well, both too faithful (total lack of critical interrogation of Tolkien’s absolutely awful concepts around race, gender, etc.) and not faithful enough in that it appeared to miss all the points your correspondent’s teenage self managed to find in the series. Specifically, where Lord of the Rings is an obsessively detailed but ultimately quite modest and traumatised epic, a huge amount of which is two small, starving creatures crawling around in mud having moral dilemmas. The Jackson films take themselves as seriously and grandly as the books came to be and as I suspect their author probably never did.

Taking the Hobbits to Isengard, on the other hand, is a pure and perfect work and I will hear no ill spoken of it else ye never receive a pint in a round bought by me again. 

It takes as its base the Hovis-theme-ripping-off music from The Shire - the small-worlded part of the films, before any grandeur is truly injected into the bloated beastie that is the trilogy. The Hobbiton theme is supposed to be homely, reassuring, quaint - like anything that succeeds at that, it sounds fucking amazing played on an airhorn.

The simplicity of the Shire’s theme is what allows it to so naturally accept the kitchen-sink style auditory ornamentation that is ‘a donk’. A classic staple of rave, it needs no introduction even in a world as apparently dislocated from two WKDs and a honk on some poppers as the miruvor-quaffing pipeweed fiends we see here.

As a lyrical piece, Taking The Hobbits is discursive - like many of the very best pieces of pop. One only has to consider the sweet, sweet tension of Fleetwood Mac’s The Chain or Brandy and Monica’s iconic The Boy Is Mine to recognise that dialogous pop is, when it works, a particularly sublime genre.

It doesn’t matter that the lines are, ostensibly, orphaned from their original place in the script - from the eponymous ejaculation to Gollum’s hissed What did u say??? they’re all perfectly addressing each other in the sort of gloriously confused cacophony usually reserved for a misunderstanding-based brawl outside a kebab shop at 3am. 

I remember the first time I heard Taking The Hobbits To Isengard. It was quite a momentous occasion because I still had dial up, so it took roughly the length of a decent pop song to load and it was very difficult to tell if it was deliberate or a bandwidth-related glitch remix for at least 30 torturously disrupted seconds. I’d imagined it would be a fairly quick joke - most internet video based things were, at the time, but no; a fully fledged song. That just kept going. 

The initial air horns! These are funny, yes because we remember them as the Shire theme, which isn’t even the music for this bit. The stuttering sample of the original line! Which sustains itself as Sheffield Dave-style shout out far better than it should, given it’s old seriousface Elf ears himself yelling off a horse. 

(In retrospect, should have equated that with Sheffield Dave earlier)

Then there’s …polka bit. Few pop songs manage to maintain a polka interlude - Bohemian Rhapsody springs to mind but Taking the Hobbits To Isengard manages to repeatedly insert it without losing coherency around its original rave premise. If you don’t think ‘Tell me where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him’ delivered over a little eurodance handbag bit is not both extremely funny and excellent pop, I can’t help you. 

Taking The Hobbits To Isengard would score reasonably at Eurovision. Not because Eurovision is actually the home of comedy trash but because if France (and it would probably have to be France in order for the Elven analogues to take themselves seriously enough) scooted in on an artpop platform and wanged loads of fucking airhorns round the stadium it would be entirely in keeping with European sensibilities of solemnly considering the totally whimsical due to our inherent reservedness about experiencing joy.

(The slightly older and wiser part of me has to question the repeated use of Gollum’s ‘stupid, fat, Hobbits’ which makes sense in the context of what he is but isn’t inherently funny, unlike a context-dislocated, bass-intoned ‘A Balrog of Morgoth’)

The great thing about Taking The Hobbits To Isengard is it actually gets funnier the more it goes on. Like Star Trekkin it not only sets out to commit to a fairly one-note premise but to hammer that note until it falls out through the piano and becomes a transcendent free agent, cascading through the strings. 

It takes a premise; that the Lord of the Rings films, in their overblown format, are very, very silly and runs with it extremely, deadly seriously. This is the core of not all but a fairly substantial chunk of really good pop, as well as an excellent manual for life. All things are here - a manic sense of imminent implosion, troubling past associated with racist ideologies, handcarts, hell, what did u say???

Very seriously; Taking The Hobbits To Isengard is a superb piece of fan work and it has substantially enriched my life to listen to it on loop for the past 45 minutes whilst watching a parliamentary debate on mute. Creators of this piece: thank.

Official ranking of Luke sprites

Curious Village: a nice, courteous boy. his small smile says “content”, yet his eyes scream “dead inside”. his arms look strangely thicker under his elbow, and the hands are just off. his eyebrows frankly scare me, but he’s still a lovable son. 7/10

Diabolical Box: a sassy child. admire his >:^) face. words cant do it justice. he looks ready for any puzzle the professor has to throw at him! his hair even became spikier. hes full of personality, if somewhat rude. 10/10

Unwound Future: his arms are weird yet again. he looks confused. please help this child. his eyebrows are flying away. a decent luke, but not as good as diabolical box. 7/10

Last Specter: here we can see luke lose all hope and happiness. he looks so sad and miserable. hes so small. just let him be happy. his clothes are extremely cute and very different from the rest of his outfits, his hands are normal again and hes a very nice luke but i cant concentrate over how upset i am. 8/10 

Miracle Mask: new boy, new outfit. he still looks lost in life and not all that happy, but there’s a slight improvement. his little coat is a very nice addition, and hes now using the shorts we see during the rest of the games. 8/10

Azran Legacy: still much smaller than in the original trilogy, despite curious village happening weeks after azran legacy. he seems more determined than curious village luke, but not as energetic as diabolical box luke. he has finally regained his happiness, if only for part of the game. 8/10

the worst luke. get this away from me. 0/10

a Concept (that i may or may not have put on ao3 in a more full form but ignore that im bad at writing full stuff)

-since missions are getting dangerous, allura makes everyone write a letter in case one day they dont come back

-lance’s letter is like. “yoooo what up y'all miss me of course u do”

-allura is like “what is this????”

-lance is just “why were u even reading it”

- “bc apparently i can’t trust u to take this seriously. this would be read after ur death, u realize”

-lance is like “yeah, and what about that makes it serious??? so what, u guys might be a bit bummed for a while until you dig up a better blue paladin lmao”

-everyone in the room is horrified

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@gavrockandroll (Person who submitted) LINK ME THAT GOOD CONTENT WOW 

when there’s a girl who finally likes you and you think she’s going to confess to you but you like another girl so before she gets the chance to tell you she likes you, you start telling her how there’s another girl who you like but then an older city boy appears and you assume it’s her boyfriend and that you completely misunderstood the situation

shit the signs prob do/say

*from my experience*

Aries: bad bad texters, make everything obvious, *randomly curses at u* (not a surprise if u find them talking to themselves), crazy drivers vroom vroom, *screams but cools down after 3 min*, laughs manically when angry, looks focused about everything,  jokes about things that’ll make you widen your eyes (rly personal shit)

Taurus: asks when and where they’ll be able to eat, make literally 0 sense sometimes, lazy bean always saying they’re tired, virgo #2, will fight u, takes their fights seriously, MI X ED SIGNALS!!?!!?!?

Gemini: “idk I like them but I don’t, you get me?”, hates it when u repeat music but they do the same shit, acts smart but can’t backup their arguments, rly loud laughers, *screenshots everything*, repeats their jokes until someone laughs at it

Cancer: adds everything w daddy, “im not emotional wtf”, likes to be derpy, either babies u or likes being babied, becomes victim if u dont return affection, has atleast accidentally called their teacher mom/dad once, “send that to me!”

Leo: actually leaves yelp reviews, s/o > frnds/u, dramatically cries when hungry, “lets take an uber”, turn to preachers at random times, #triggered, goes to places just for the pictures

Virgo: judged u atleast once, involves themselves in drama & accidentally becomes a victim, not scared of u, independent woman who dont need no man (unless u got some leo in u), my opinion > urs

Libra: literally wild af, talks really loud, says shit without even thinking twice omg??, wings everything, air head #2, s a ssy, “idc if they don’t like me……but why tho”, leo #2, have dank memes to back up their argument, most likely to send u a nude/ or have u call them daddy/mami, suggest i v e

Scorpio: text them at 4 am and they’ll reply, actually really hate spooky shit, could pull off as Geminis if they weren’t so mysterious, also looks rly hot, thinks about every bad scenario, the worriers, staring at you either means they hate u or they like u pick one

Sagittarius: *freedomly flirts*, so harsh like ouch?, the type to ask u to dinner and say they forgot their wallet, says no but does it anyways,  *shows u a song then reminds u they showed u it everytime u listen to it*, mimics everything, most likely to wear something that’ll grab someone’s attention

Capricorn: *looks rlly powerful but likes a dominant person*, lets you copy their hw #realOG, looks rly confused, depended on 167% of the time, looks rly hot, looks so serious but is really singing in their heads, ride or die

Aquarius: air head #1, say the weirdest shit sometimes omg?, leo #3, won’t apologize for none, probably already found out the secret to life, doesn’t hide anything, “im n o t we a  k”, makes a joke bout everything

Pisces: more sensitive than cancer like wyd astrology, says “what” after you just explained yourself, “dude what if like…”, oblivious , person: look at that cute person pisces: where?! *looks everywhere but the cute person*, no one knows what they’re thinking

2

my instant reaction to this part lmao 

Some of my Eurovision 2017 highlights

The dancing Azerbaijan guy in the horse mask

THE RETURN OF EPIC SAX GUY

Norway masked guy on the drum

Graham Norton getting so unimpressed every time the hosts come on but loving Timur

U.K. Taking it seriously for once

Belarus on a spaceship

Moldova costume change

The gorilla. In a rainbow bow tie. The Gorilla.

Croatia man singing a duet by himself

Greece paddling pool gays

“That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever friggin said to me”
*look straight into camera like they’re plotting murder*

Australia’s eyebrows

Spain having the lead sing in the foreground and the two guitarists head banging in the background

All the dancing. All of it.

The shock of France singing partly in English

Israel entry’s wink

Cyprus in a feral position on the floor

Angsty Romanian guy with cute yodelling Romanian lady

Multiple acts projecting their face behind them while they sing

When Graham squealed when the people in the choir promo leaped in the air

Moldova everyday I’m shuffling dance

What is in your pocket *super long pause* MY WALLET

The random hand with the microphone during Sweden’s performance

My whole family saying the Bulgarian boys looks like a 12 year old

The Ukraine giant head

The collective saltiness over Australia from everyone who isn’t Australia

The return of our Lord and saviour Vjerka