if only i could have my way with you

anonymous asked:

yo fam i gotta ask, ur KiriBaku fic is the only 1 i read cus im picky asf with fanfics, im curious if you know any good fanfics out there bout these 2. because there's more fanfictions than im willing totake the time to go through

Oh!!! Thank you so much anon! I actually don’t read too many KiriBaku fics myself (I plan to make my way through them soon!) But here are the top three that have stayed in my mind!

Heart Strings by starofjems
Teen, One-Shot, ~8000 words

Summary: Red. Red was all Bakugou could see sometimes. His father called this ability to see strings of fate a gift. Bakugou called it curse. He never wanted to be fate’s pawn, never wanted to willingly play its games. More than anything, Bakugou had never wanted to know who was at the end of his string. There was no turning back.

This starts off like any other well-written but cliche “red string of fate” quirkless soulmate!AU, but it is so well-written, and there is a twist that completely took my breath away, and for those reasons, I highly highly recommend it!

don’t count on me to let you know when by newamsterdam 
Explicit, One-Shot, ~16000 words

Summary: Kirishima has always made things easy for Bakugou. But that doesn’t mean that Bakugou’s gotten any better at these things, even after all of these years.

This a future!fic about Bakugou and Kirishima reuniting after years apart, as they learn to become a part of each other’s lives again. This fic is so well-written. Like, damn. The characterization, the dialogue, the drama, heck, even the smut is well-written, and I usually don’t even like smut. This fic had me in tears and I absolutely cannot recommend it enough times.

but i’ve got an angry heart by newamsterdam
Teen, Multi-Chapter, Incomplete

Summary: Bakugou Katsuki is not going to jeopardize his future a second time, and that means staying away from anyone who gets too close. Kirishima Eijirou has never learned how not to be close to someone. Of course, they end up as next-door neighbors.

This one isn’t finished just yet, but it is still excellent. It’s kind-of a quirkless college!AU, but it’s not mindless fluff like those tend to be. There’s really good, thought-out angst with some unforgettably chilling scenes as you and Eijirou both slowly figure out what happened in his past that made Bakugou so tight-strung. The pacing of this is fantastic, and the touch of mystery is so so good.

anonymous asked:

You're sucked into Lavellan's body pre-Conclave. You can only take one thing with you from Earth...what is it?

This sleeping bag. It’s the only way I’d survive the Hinterlands  

And then have the craftspeople learn how to reverse engineer the zipper and bring in the new zipper revolution of Thedas


get to know the blogger

I still remember the day we met, and maybe you don’t but that’s okay. There wasn’t much that was special about you, not much that’d have stood out to me, because the shards of glass in my eyes kept me from seeing you. I thought that in the times when I needed a shoulder, it wouldn’t be yours, and smiles from you only ever earned blank stares from me. But now? Now in every gaze of yours I see myself reflected. Your laughs echo around my head in the same way that mine have begun to once again, once again since you. And I love you more than I thought I could.
—  For whoever you are, My Anonymous Love ❤️

You know I don’t think I’ll ever be over Even dubbing the Pretty Woman lines on his video. 

Like not just because of “what happens after I save you/i save you right back” but because when he had said that, he was manic. It’s a direct reference to an event that could have broken them. It was after he says this that Isak starts to realize things aren’t okay at all. 

The fact that Even remembers that moment and then decides to take it and redefine it? That’s the most breath taking thing I’ve ever seen. He’s making a point of saying “even when things are at their darkest, even when I’m far away, you mean everything to me” It’s such a symbolic way of expressing the ‘only you can feel what you feel’ phrase. 

It just really makes my heart swell to know that after all was said and done, that night doesn’t hang over them. It’s not this horrible memory they never speak of. It was a moment in time, one of the harder moments in the relationship but they got through it. 

And I love that this means Even’s “you don’t think we’ll get married?! We’re so getting married!” is real too

anonymous asked:

Hi there :) when it comes to your appearance do you believe that we can look like our draconic ascendant as well as natal? Or is it entirely different here? I've noticed that some people have guessed what I am and it's actually more like my draconic than my natal.

I think I may have been asked this before.. (which implies you’re not the only one thinking this), and yea I don’t see why not, the soul emanates through the body, as does the personality. I almost feel like… I could imagine that the more you get in touch with the soul, it would almost be like your appearance shifts, too. I think the way we imagine and view ourselves affects our appearance, not just in how we dress and what not. Kind of like how people say married couples begin to look like one another.

Anyways yea even without the ‘growing into your soul’ thing I think that the draconic can show up in our appearance. I see a lot of Capricorn in me, my natal moon is Cap and my draconic Rising is Cap, so I can’t really piece that one apart. I think when it comes to how I present myself as a woman, I can see both Aries (natal Venus and draconic Moon), and Cancer (draconic Venus, natal MC).

So yea I think it can be hard to piece apart if there’s overlap but I definitely think that, for instance, the pictures I’ve been taking of myself lately show my draconic chart a lot (Leo Sun/Aries Moon/Capricorn Rising) and that relates to my embracing myself on a soul level.

edit: I mean it’s interesting to see with celebrities for example how the draconic is apparent, for instance Anais Nin is very much her natal chart but I’ve made her draconic before and that’s also extremely her (Leo Sun/Gemini Moon/Pisces Rising - natal: Pisces Sun/Capricorn Moon/Libra Rising). I’ve made them for other celebrities, too, and yea it’s not this like hidden thing necessarily. A lot of people exhibit their soul in a real big way.

2nd edit: I’ve wondered if perhaps, those who are more connected to their soul will have a more obvious draconic chart, or if for everyone there is an equal interplay between the two.

Opening the ask box for a bit!

So because I’ve been gone for a while, I’ve kind of piled up the inbox, so as a means to kind of… regulate what I’m doing, I’ve kind of cleaned it out a bit. I’ve made a point to really focus only on deleting anon asks that I don’t feel like I could answer, though, so if you were waiting, I’m so sorry–I think I just need something of a fresher slate getting back into this.

I’ll be chipping my way through the match-ups as I go, but I’d like to open requests again for some new material. So scenarios and headcanons are certainly open, if you’d like! At the moment, I have 16 requests I have kept. Some of them are horribly long overdue, but know that I still have them–this is a to-do list so far under the cut!

But tl;dr feel free to send some stuff in! I’m kind of ready I think LOL

To-Do Requests (6/22)

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anonymous asked:

Robin was in Harry's life for like 10 years, maybe more. He was legitimately like a third parent. It's such a shame. My own father recently died and it isn't easy. Like its Ben 6 months, and I've only just started leaving the house. And I've still only been out like 5 times I gained 30lbs and now I'm losing a lot of weight. I didn't cry except for two or three times but it takes its toll on you in ways you don't even notice till someone points it out. I really home he's okay.

I’m sorry for your loss darling :( and i know i hope he, gemma, anne and all the styles/twist family are okay, he really had been a father figure to harry and gemma you could tell they really loved him, it hurts my heart that people have to go through things like this

anonymous asked:

"I'm a boy" *makes literally no effort to pass* stop being a cancerous fucking cunt and bringing shame to actual transmen and just kill yourself already

ok this ask is disgusting in so many ways its probably the only one ill give a legitimate response to

first of all i look and dress like this

i usually try to pass to the best of my ability. 

BUT second of all i like hair and wigs and makeup. dressing up nice is fun. what kind of fucking century are you living in where guys cant wear makeup or have long hair or wear “girls clothes” lmao. if i wanted to look like that 24/7 i could and id still be a dude lmao you guys are fucking wild

Several weeks ago a pet skunk came in to see me because it just wasn’t acting right. The skunk had been purchased from a breeder and had lived with the owner for five years. Although normally an indoor pet the owner had built an enclosed area in the back yard so that the skunk could be safely outdoors. When the owner first purchased the skunk it had gotten a rabies vaccine and a clean bill of health from a veterinarian but had not been in to see a vet since then.

I walked into the room and saw the owner with several blood soaked paper towels wrapped around his hand. The skunk was in a carrier on the table growling and biting at the bars. I asked him if he was ok and he said yes, the bite was very minor and it happened all the time. Slowly I approached the carrier and the skunk began screaming and biting the sides of the cage.

“Has anyone else been bitten?” I asked.

“Oh, probably my whole family. He’s never been very nice.”

Slowly I bent down to look into the carrier again and the skunk rammed the front snarling and snapping. I felt drops of saliva hitting me in the face. Gently I explained to the owner that I was extremely concerned this skunk was rabid and his entire family and anyone else that had been in contact with the skunk needed to get to a hospital immediately and get rabies post-exposure treatment. The owner was understandably upset and asked me to please look at the skunk close. Politely I refused and told him there was no way I was going to open that carrier nor expose my staff to a possibly rabid animal. After several more minutes of discussion he agreed to allow me to euthanize the skunk and have it tested for rabies but he wasn’t going to go to the hospital.

“What could happen if it is rabies?” the owner asked.

Very sternly I told him, “You’ll die. There is absolutely no treatment for rabies and the only possible outcome is death. You will die. Your family will die. Anyone who has been bitten or exposed to the saliva will die.”

“Is it expensive?”

“If you have insurance it should cover it. If you don’t, yes it can be expensive. But this is literally a matter of life or death. I understand being concerned about medical bills but the alternative is death.”

The owner said he would think about it. I sent the head off for testing and didn’t think anything more about it.

A few days later I got a phone call from the health department telling me that the skunk was positive for rabies. The phone numbers and information the client had given me, which I included on the submission form to the lab, were wrong and the department could not get in touch with the family to tell them they absolutely needed to get to the hospital. I got a little sick to my stomach thinking about the saliva that had gotten on my face and likely into my eyes as well. Luckily I had already had the pre-exposure vaccinations so would just need to get two booster vaccines and would be fine. If the family did not get medical help soon they would die of rabies. I gave the health department all of the information we had on the clients.

A few days later I got word that a man had gone to the hospital saying he had been exposed to a friend’s skunk that was diagnosed with rabies. Luckily that man was able to give the correct information to the hospital and the health department was able to get in touch with the family and they came in and were all treated for rabies exposure. I don’t think they ever really realized how close they came to dying.

There are a few lessons to take home here:

Skunks don’t make good pets. Leave them in the wild where they belong.

Rabies is not an old timey disease that people used to die from. It’s still here and vaccinating against it is still very important.

Give the proper information when you go to the vet! These people probably gave false information because owning a skunk is illegal where they live but vets aren’t interested in turning people in. We desperately needed to contact them to save their lives.

Finally, rabies is nothing to mess with. There is no treatment; there is nothing that can be done when symptoms begin. It is far better to pay for vaccines than it is a funeral.

4

An afternoon date~

and a bonus

(Dear mom and dad, please don’t kill me over this permanent choice. I want you to hear me out.)

Today, I am coming out with something that only few of you know. I am ready to have a conversation about my mental illness.

Last year, I was diagnosed with depression. And in all honesty, I believe it was a problem for quite a while before that, but I think it just got worse to the point of hardly functioning.

So today, I got this tattoo. I feel that my leg was the best place for the meaning behind it. When everyone else sees it, they see “I’m fine,” but from my viewpoint, it reads “save me.” To me, it means that others see this person that seems okay, but, in reality, is not okay at all. It reminds me that people who may appear happy, may be at battle with themselves.

To me, depression is the days that I feel sad for no reason.
Depression is the mornings that I don’t feel capable of getting out of bed.
Depression is the sleeping too much, or sleeping too little.
Depression is the homework that I never completed, simply because I didn’t feel like I was capable.
Depression is the break downs I have over absolutely nothing.
Depression is the eating too much, or eating too little.
Depression is the nights I begin to cry because I feel so overwhelmed, even though everything is going right.
Depression is the 50 pounds I carry in my chest at all times.
Depression is the need to constantly be distracted (being on social media, playing video games, watching movies or shows, or working all the time) because I can’t trust myself with my thoughts for longer than 3 minutes.
Depression is the friendships that have suffered because of my inability to function.
Depression is the hurtful thoughts and actions I have towards myself.
Depression is the tears I have because I don’t know why I feel so worthless, when I know I should feel happy.

This is one of the most difficult things to open up about because it’s extremely hard for me to feel vulnerable…but this needs to be talked about. Mental illness is serious, but so shamed in our society. We care so much for our physical health, but hardly a thing about our mental state. And that is seriously messed up. Mental illness is not a choice and will likely hit everyone at some point in their life. If it’s such a huge issue, why aren’t we having this conversation about it?

That’s why I got this tattoo; they are great conversation starters. This forces me to talk about my own struggle, and why the awareness of it is important. You’d be surprised by how many people YOU know that struggle with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness. I may only be one person, but one can save another…and that’s all I could really ask for.

Maybe this is part of why I am so interested in psychology. I want to help people who feel the way I have—and still do—because it’s hell. And I don’t wish that upon anyone.

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”
—Robin Williams

**Also, THANK YOU to the ones who have helped me in this battle. I would not be where I am without you.**

when i’m with you, my mind goes blank.
it’s a bit of a cliche, but like a camera focuses on the most important piece, my eyes can only see the beauty in front of me. i’ve got nothing to say, i feel like i seem weird or creepy staring like i’m taking in deep scenery but it’s just because i don’t have words to describe the way you make me feel.
being with you, being near you. it’s like swinging in a hammock in the dead of summer, thinking surely you could live there forever, never moving, and being completely content.
i look into those deep eyes all i see is the only thing i ever want to get lost in- i listen to your deep thoughts from that amazing mind and all i hear is the meaning that i fell in love with.
i look at you and i see everything i always wanted, but never realized i always needed too.
i know we’re young, i know it’s early and i know there’s no way 
to say 
just how long you can stay
but …
one thing i know for sure 
i’m in love and, for once, i’m not afraid of it.
—  o-h–w-e-l-l 

Sometimes John and Sherlock accidentally talk all night.

Like maybe the intention to go to sleep at a normal time was there, but then they get distracted.

11 PM: They finish the movie and it just naturally feels like time for bed. Teeth are cleaned, doors are locked, and they settle in between the sheets, and damn is the bed comfortable compared to the haphazard dog pile of limbs they had gotten into on the sofa.

“What did you think of the film?”

“Nice; very enjoyable.”

“Did I tell you it was my favorite when I was a kid?”

“No. Really?”

“Yeah. Would watch it on repeat.”

“Interesting. But it’s no longer your favorite?”

“Right. I dunno- I still love it, but not in the same way.”

“I understand. Your favorite now is that one Bond, um…Die Another Day?”

“Yeah.” John gives Sherlock a small, soft smile. He looks almost bewitched.

“What’s that look for?”

“It’s for you. ”

“Yes, but why?”

“Because it’s really nice to have someone remember things like that about me.”

1 AM: The discussion has shifted to favorites, and why they’re favorites.

“So you would rather listen to that same Rolling Stones album again and again for eternity than ever even trying something like Debussey?”

“Correct.”

“Alright, well, now I know.”

“You know what?”

“That we’re breaking up.”

They laugh.

2 AM: …and now they’re just naming things they like.

John: “Long car journeys”

Sherlock: “The smell of coffee.”

“You hate coffee.”

“I hate the taste of coffee.”

“You are a complex being.”

“Thank you.”

They laugh some more.

John: “Rainy mornings that last all day.”

“Me too.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“They’re lovely.”

“Why’s that?”

Sherlock fidgets with his lips, trying to figure out how to phrase his answer.

“Because you always wake me very…pleasantly… and often you continue waking me pleasantly for most of the morning…afternoon…even into the evening sometimes.”

“Do I? When it’s raining?”

“Yes. Not every time, but under a certain set of conditions I can, for the most part, look at the forecast for the morning the night before and know in advance whether or not I’ll be getting anything done the next day.”

John looks back at him, a concoction of surprise, then near embarrassment, then a sly smile.

“Interesting, see, I find that I get one thing in particular done consistently on those days.”

Sherlock snorts.

4 AM: The topic has shifted between worst hangover stories and crazy uni memories to some more difficult things, like John’s time in the service, and Sherlock’s addiction.

“We’ve sort of been dealt a few tough hands eh?”

“Truly.”

“Makes me want to take you away somewhere and just be relaxed for a bit.”

“I would agree to that in an instant.”

“Yeah? Let’s do that, then.”

“Fantastic idea!”

“I do get them on occasion.”

More laughter.

5 AM:

John is trying to work in to the concersation something he’s been wanting Sherlock to know for a long time. It’s difficult, though- he’s never really said anything like this- anything so personal.

“It says a lot about you, I think, that I can do things like this- stay awake all night, not having to be overwhelmed or rampant. You balance me, John.”

“Yeah..yeah I- I know what you mean. You also- I mean, you sort of…I don’t dread…my life to come…anymore. I used to think of all the days and years I had left to endure, wonder how I would fill them, hoping I could find something that wouldn’t feel so miserable, something to settle for, but you- fuck, Sherlock, I think back to that now and it feels like a horrible nightmare. I’m…more than just glad, to have found you. You- damn, this is hard, I-”

Sherlock ties his fingers with John’s and moves even closer.

"Take your time. No rush. No pressure. Anything you want to tell me, you can. You’re safe here.”

"I suppose…You umm…you made me rethink- my plans, for me, yes. But not only that, you also showed me a way of living so different from what I had known, so much better and full of richness, I look back at those days where I no longer wanted to be alive and think -it’s probably because I wasn’t alive. I had every responsibility and felt every drawback of life but was denied any of the good stuff. You showed me so much more than I ever knew was out there- you sort of saved my life by…showing me how to live it? That’s so cheesy, I-”

And now Sherlock is crying. So John starts crying.

6 AM: they’ve got themselves together by now and moved on to something a little lighter.

"Right…so, you mean to tell me that James Moriarty, criminal mastermind, scary man with an affinity for the latest in explosive fashion, still sleeps with a teddy bear?”

"Precisely.”

"How did you figure that one out?”

"It took a few-visits- to piece it together, mostly because I was in disbelief myself, but he shows signs of a stiff neck as if he sleeps in an extremely bent position with one arm hooked partially under himself, likely around a small item. Persistence of this soreness shows that he didn’t just sleep wrong once, he makes a habit of this position. But what really sealed the realization was the right thumbnail. Much shorter than all the others, wrinkled texture, dry skin around the edges where the rest of his finers are immaculately manicured. Exposed to moisture for long periods of time.”

"No fuckin way!”

"Oh yes. He sucks his thumb. What a terrifying creature.”

Hysterical laughter.

"I’m always curious what you could tell about me right away and what took you a bit longer.”

That’s a dangerous path John- not everyone wants to know what others can tell about them.”

"Yeah but I’m just tired enough to ask anyway.”

"Well, all the things I pointed out at Bart’s…then more and more about your childhood based on your dating habits…around a month after we moved in I had narrowed down the approximate size of your…tyre lever…”

"Really?”

"Well…I had underestimated, to be honest. Your stature is misleading, as I’m sure you know.”-

"So, that is to say, you were-”

"Incredibly anxious and then surprised in the best possible way.”

"I was going for ‘not disappointed’, but alright.”

"Not in the slightest. My God, not even a little. In fact, what’s the opposite of disappointed?”

"Satisfied?”

"More than.”

"Sated?”

"Never.”

7 AM: Talking has ceased. The sun seeps in at the sides of the drapes, pale and gray. It’s a bit chilly, but neither know- it’s aafe and warm in the bubble of their room.

Neither sleep until around noon, after tea and toast in bed- the rain hits the roof in steady droves, tapping occasionally at the window if the wind blows a certain way.

Sherlock gets absolutely no work done.
Foreign

Plot: Jimin always thought his traditional Korean girlfriend was perfect – that was, until he realized how beautiful foreigners could be.

Pairing: Idol!Park Jimin x Backup Dancer!Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Notes: I based this off of every single MTL I have seen of BTS dating a girl of a different race or a girl of color – Jimin always seems to be one of the people who were least likely to date one. I definitely do not think that Jimin is this ignorant in any way. This is only a work of fiction. This is for all the international beauties! 2,536 Words

Originally posted by bwipsul

“Oppa, I’m missing you so much!”

“I’m missing you too, my love. Don’t worry, I’ll be back in a few days, okay?”

One of the worst parts about tour was leaving lovers behind. For Jimin, it wasn’t only his lover, it was his home. He enjoyed tour, performing for all of the ARMYs around the world, going on stage; but he wasn’t a huge fan of being in a foreign country. He didn’t know English that well, and he wasn’t fond of being in a place where he couldn’t understand anything. 

“I know,” The soft voice of his significant other brought pink to his cheeks. “Call me when your rehearsal is over.”

“I will, I love you,” He glanced at the leader of his band, who was calling him over.

“I love you too.”

With that, he had ended the call with a sigh, and headed over to his band. It hadn’t even been a few minutes since he cut the call, and he was already missing her – a thought he had experienced after each long-distance conversation with his lover. The short male shook his head and got his head back in the game, his eyes going up to meet a group of people dressed in black.

“This is your dance crew for this city,” The manager announced to the band. “Not all of them know Korean, so if you have an queries, just talk to Jihoon. He is the leader.”

“We understand.”

Once that brief introduction was done, they were all left to their own devices for a few minutes, whilst the leader of the dance team talked to the leader of the band. Jimin had let himself scan over the people he would be working with; not that he would talk to them, he was just curious and bored. Most of them had masks on – no one had really caught his eyes, except for one person. 

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The way Bangtan would have sex (M)

d i s c l a i m e r || this is just my opinion based on the general idea of their character I have formed through out the years. Of course you could have a totally different opinion than mine (since we’re all different people, we also perceive things differently) and of course I have no way of knowing if I even came close to the reality so take it as it is: an opinion of a fellow ARMY. Thank you :)

w a r n i n g || the contents of this post are only for a mature audience to see - that’s why it’s under the cut - and it’s heavily N S F W because it doesn’t contain only words but also gif depictions of love making.

C R E D I T S OF THE GIFS TO RIGHTFUL OWNERS.

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Again

Originally posted by natpekis

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 7,501 (ok kinda sorry)

Warnings: angst!, a tiny bit of violence, swear words, alcohol

Summary: Being Bucky’s best friend (after Steve of course) gets a lot of perks - but being in love with him WHILE being his best friend means that your adoration must be kept a secret. That also means you have to silently endure every single encounter with women he has whether he tells you or you see it for yourself.

A/N: So this one shot is based on the Amy Shark song “Adore You” (she speaks to me on so many levels!) and I just really wanted a Bucky fic for it because he’d be absolutely clueless to someone adoring him like this…I also kind of skipped over the “oh look at him I’m in love with him” fluffy stuff and I just focused on the couple of days leading up to the point reader can’t take it anymore. I like the angst - it fuels me *evil laugh*

Y/F/I = Your First Initial


I’m just gonna stand with my bag hanging off my left arm

I’m just gonna walk home kicking stones at parked cars

But I had a great night ‘cause you kept rubbing against my arm

I’m just gonna stand with my bag hanging off my left arm


You hugged Wanda and Nat, giving small waves to the boys, before turning to Bucky. 

“Hey B, I’m going to head back to the tower. The mission took a bigger toll on me than I thought.” You made a show of rubbing your neck, hoping the sadness in your eyes would be mistaken for exhaustion.

Bucky turned away from the young, curvy brunette tucked under his arm, his smile fading as his eyes scanned over you with concern. He didn’t move away from her, nor did you move any closer, instead you gripped the strap of your bag hard, until your knuckles were white, in an effort to ignore the pain radiating through your chest.

“Are you sure? Did you want me to come with you?”

You gave serious thought to saying yes, knowing he’d probably give the woman a kiss and get her phone number before following you out of the bar, talking your ear off about how she was this and that. All the while, you would be fighting the anger and nausea bubbling up your throat, fighting back the urge to scream at him to shut up about her and every other woman, just fighting to keep your face neutral as you listened to the love of your life pine after any and every other woman but you.

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Redemption // Jeon Jungkook

-

the prompt: Jungkook scenario when your pregnant unplan baby he finds the test when you get home he starts yelling, blaming you throwing things,tells you to gtfo of his life with the baby saying fucked up things. So you leave Korea 3 year later you come back with your daughter and you guys see each other again he tries to win you back angst beginning but fluff ending?

words: 8942

category: heavy angst + fluff ending

author note: it’s time to see how good destinee’s character development skills are. also y/n didn’t leave, jungkook did. hope that’s okay. im so proud of myself for writing this?? I didn’t give up and I’m glad i didn’t. anyway, this took forever to write you can literally see my writing improve as you keep reading its kind of funny anyway let’s go!

- destinee

Originally posted by sugutie

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But like at the same time, Christians who have certain jobs need to throttle back at work because for real it gives me hives being told “Have a blessed day!” by someone like a receptionist at a doctor’s office. It happened today and while she was super-sweet and very obviously genuine (in context, I think she was actually trying to make me feel safe) it was still one of those “…welp…” moments.  I’d just told her two minutes before that my girlfriend would be coming to the appointment with me.  My cat was out of the bag, no takesie-backsies.

Christians have a very nasty track record with violence and obstruction against LGBT people like me, so I suddenly am aware that there are people around who might hate people like me, and they have the ability to make my getting medical care difficult or even impossible.

I get that even if they didn’t SAY it, they would still have the same biases, but I don’t have much choice in who I see, so I’d be stuck with them regardless, and I’d rather not have the anxiety of worrying about it.  My other choice is not disclosing that I’m queer if it comes up, and even when not saying anything about it is an option, which it often isn’t, it’s not one I’m willing to take.  I have to choose between being safe and being honest, and that’s shitty.

It can be hard to imagine, I think, for Christian people, what it’s like to be afraid like that, because to Christians, Christianity is a great thing and Christians are great people.

But like the first psych doctor they wanted to send me to for my disability reevaluation worked out of a Christian therapy office (okay) and their clinic policy was “gay people are against God.” (Not okay at all.)

My disability eval was going to be performed by a dude who was comfortable telling children they are wrong to be gay.

I called up the disability office the day I got the letter and got another doctor to do the eval. Thank goodness they were willing to reassign my case after I told them there was “a potential conflict of interest that might threaten the doctor’s impartiality.”  Thank goodness I had the spoons to make the call and the presence of mind to phrase my issue the way I did instead of just yelling “MOVE I’M GAY.”

I mean, y’all understand, I could have gotten my benefits yanked if I’d gone in there and they’d taken a dislike to me based on the fact that I’m not cishet.  Legal protections aside, there is no impartial third party monitoring that appointment, and they have total control over what goes on their paperwork. There is literally nothing keeping them from recommending I be denied.  For disabled people, legal protections are only effective to the extent we can afford to enforce the law with our own money. Money that, if you are on disability, you obviously do not have.

Without my benefits, especially medical coverage, I cannot survive.  So like.

Yeah.

A lot is riding on the goodwill of people who have been shown to historically have very little goodwill for people like me. I don’t like being reminded of it.

Y’all are cool, I love y’all so so so much, but y’all are also really fucking scary in large groups, and when one of y’all has power over me, I never know whether I can trust you and that shit is scary.

Fucking police your own, thanks.

I think one of the fears that comes up when you talk about setting and respecting very firm boundaries is that someone is going to game the system.  That they’re going to claim that every one of their dislikes is an absolute hard limit, and find ways to argue that they have a boundary against not getting their way in everything.  And every time you try to make some kind of argument about which boundaries are unusual-but-reasonable and which are just them being a tiny dictator, they’re going to say “so you’re deciding which of my boundaries you’re okay with violating?”

In my experience, this fear is… totally well-founded and the only solution is to stop being friends with people who do that.  Sorry.

(I could add something here about “it’s not spite, this is to help both of you be safe since you clearly have incompatible needs,” but it’s totally spite.)