Stuart wore aftershave today and it turns out I have a thing for aftershave and then we had to do grown up stuff on the floor of the bedroom because the rest of the flat is completely unavailable. I miss him. He’s physically here but not because of stupid work and one of us is always holding a kid so we never get to just snuggle. We get stressed and forget to rely on each other. I had a realisation today that I love him a lot, and I am 100% sure he’s exactly the right person for me and even if someone super hot and famous wanted to squidge me I would say “no, I have a Stuart”. I would say I’ve been 99% sure since having kids but something happened today that bumped it up that extra 1% to “nobody else in the world will do”. I don’t know what exactly it was but it just happened. Maybe the aftershave. I’ve always been brought up to have a back up plan, a get out clause for when he breaks my heart because that’s what all men do. But i don’t want one and I finally believe that I don’t need one.
God, for somebody who always said they weren't good with words I found him hanging onto the things I whispered to him in the middle of the night. The fact that he hated modern music but I found him singing along to a song I was humming the day before was enough to set my chest on fire. I loved him so much, and I still do. He always wore a light aftershave and when I began to smell it on my clothes like detergent I knew I was in too deep. But he was never mine, and I don't think he ever will be.