The Washington State Lottery Powerball has reached $86,000,000 (a $53,900,000 cash option is available upon winning) which is an obscene amount of money. I don’t personally know of anyone who has won the lottery so I assume that nobody wins and everyone believes that some unfamiliar asshole walks away with the cash. Today I thought about what I would do if I were the unfamiliar asshole.
My very first order of business would be to re-pay my parents for college with interest. The interest is for the many years they took care of me by making me sandwiches I refused to eat since I become stubborn when I’m hungry, listening to my unwarranted complaints about the unfair balance in the world despite my embarrassing lack of real world experience, and many other things.
I would then find a modest, well-placed apartment in Seattle. If they do not allow pets I would pay them extra to keep quiet about the dog I would then rush out to buy. I have desperately needed a dog for years and I believe winning the lottery would qualify as a time to get one. She’ll be a quiet Pembroke Welsh Corgi and she and I will play and play.
Although the next idea doesn’t require millions of dollars, I would purchase a top-notch record player. The one I have works just fine but I would like a Technics turn-table. I don’t want to blare annoying music I just don’t want to listen to shitty sound-quality.
Then, I would travel. I do not care where but I would enter the airport and throw a dart at the international flight schedule. After the complete misunderstanding of my actions, and the TSA had me in their custody, I would probably be asked to go to another country. I would go to France and Spain, among other places. Most importantly, I would write. My dog and I would spend afternoons playing in parks and walking around the cities. Eventually we would become tired.
After such a busy time, I would scope out a space in Seattle to start my small publishing house. My aim is to create the literary version of Jack White’s Third Man Records, which basically creates anything that sonovabitch comes up with. I would publish a book that has a book inside of it which is part of the story of the larger book. If that doesn’t make sense then you should wait for it to come out. My publishing house will focus on a relationship between literature and art, priding itself on fighting the age of digital reading. We would also have a screen-printing studio.
Finally, I would revolutionize the t-shirt measurement chart. As it stands, I am a Small in pretty much every brand except for American Apparel and a few others in which I am a Medium. I would be the first to start, and mascot the Shmedium sized t-shirt, calling attention to those who’ve fallen between conventional sizes for years. Then I would start demanding sneakers be made in a size 11.25.
What can I say? I’m weird shapes.