if i were a cowboy

3

Legends of Tomorrow | 2.13

Doctor Palmer, it’s very nice to see you again.

I was just telling my friend who doesnt play Overwatch about Overwatch and McHanzo and i fucking

*clenches fist*

I accidently told them Reyes and Jack used to date because its in literally every McHanzo fanfic i have ever read so i actually forgot that it isn’t a thing.

The fandom has normalized Reyes76 to me to the point where i confused it for fucking canon.

Leonard McCoy does not read

Oh, he reads medical journals - he’s up to his eyeballs in those. He’s up to speed on the latest and greatest surgical techniques - hell, he’s published a quite a few of them.

But Bones is not a literary guy.

Jim’s a little tipsy after a mission very-nearly-gone-disastrously-wrong.

He whirls dramatically, bottle in hand. ”Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age.”

Bones rolls his eyes. Spock raises a delicate eyebrow.

Jim raises both hands. The brandy sloshes dangerously. “Does nobody understand?” he asks sardonically.

Bones does not understand.

Spock gives the captain a long-suffering look. “James Joyce,” he says. “The Dead.”

“Thank you, Mr. Spock.” 

Huh, thinks Bones.

He spends the rest of his days believing that The Dead is an Old-Earth western film, starring hot-shot gunslinger James Joyce. 

Ok, so not only are Goodnight and Billy 100% in love and married, but they have the most amazing meet cute ever??

I mean, Goodnight’s supposed to bring Billy in but he takes one look at him and immediately falls in love (I appreciate the deliberate pause when he says “befriend”).

And the first long conversation he has is telling the story of how they met to Faraday. I bet he tells that story all the time and Billy just rolls his eyes and looks at him fondly.

I just cannot get enough of their secret smiles and close proximity and worrying about each other and the open fondness they share between them.

Their love is so real and I am dead.

Headcanon #129

While in the training room, Hanzo had asked if McCree was willing to do some sparring with him. 

McCree: “No need ta ask darlin’, ready whenever you are.” He punched his metal arm into his flesh hand to pump himself up.

While Hanzo was getting into his fighting stance, McCree turned around and started to head to the exit.

Hanzo: “I thought you were going to spar with me, cowboy.”

McCree: “And I will, but first…” He raised his right hand and showed that it was all purple and swelled up. “I gotta find Mercy.”

Hanzo: “Dammit Jesse, this the fifth time this week!”

If Rebels Characters Were On Vine

(OMG I will never get over Vine’s death)


Ezra: *to Maul* Are you stalking me?

Maul: No.

Ezra: Good.

Maul: I just like to watch you in your sleep.

Ezra: *screams*


Loth Cat: *chases laser pointer*

Ezra: *laughing* I can’t even!


Kanan: I’m so tired, Ima lean on this boulder. *leans on the Bendu*

Bendu: *wakes up* You summoned me?

Kanan: *screams* The boulder’s alive!


Maul: *trying to open the holocron* You will yield to my power! *bashes it against the wall, hits it with a hammer and a lightsaber, stamps on it and bites it in between jump cuts*


Agent Kallus: Scaring Stormtroopers 101! *fanfare*

Stormtrooper: *walks by*

Kallus: REBELS! *points and jumps about*

Stormtrooper: *freaks out and fires everywhere*

Kallus: *winks* Never gets old.


Thrawn: *studying art with the X-Files theme playing in the background*


Zeb: *roars at someone*

What that person sees: *tiny purple kitten making a cute mewing noise*


Agent Kallus and Zeb: I hate you!

Narrator: A few episodes later…

Agent Kallus and Zeb: I…kinda like you…

Narrator: A few more episodes later…

Agent Kallus and Zeb: I love you!


That’s all folks! :D (Chopper: Bawh bawh!)

anonymous asked:

I had a dream about cuddling with McCree and we were just whispering about how we love each other. Do you think you could write that please?? Thanks!!!

((A/N - it’s not even funny how much I love McCree lmao))

Jesse had forbade you from falling asleep.

“I jus’ want to talk to ya.”

You were lying on his chest, your head tucked into the crook of his neck and his arm underneath you lightly scratching your nape.

“You’re not the one that has to be awake at 6am tomorrow morning.”
 
You felt his chest move heavily, a sigh escaping his mouth.

“Let me love you.”
“Jesse. I do.”
“Yer holding me back from my treasure.”
“I thought you were a cowboy, not a pirate?”

He shifted underneath you.

“Be quiet, doll.”
“I thought you wanted to talk to me?”

You felt his jaw tense. You were hoping if you annoyed him enough then he would let you sleep. He pulled his arm out from underneath you, pushing you off his chest.

“Jesse?”

His eyebrows raised. In an instant he had moved so both of his hands were on either side of your head, him crouched above you.

“Darlin’, yer doin’ my head in.”

You smiled cheekily, your fingers tracing along his furry chest.

“I love you.”

He grunted with an oof, flopping down on top of you.

“I love ya too. Ya’ beautiful, elegant and charming. Can talk for the world though.” His voice was muffled from lying in the covers.

Your fingers wiggled inbetween your bodies, making Jesse chuckle.

“Doll. Stop.”
“Uh-uh.”

You managed to maneuver your hands so the were free of their confines, placing them on your boyfriend’s back.

“You’re squishing me.”
“But I love ya’.”
“But Jesse-”
I love ya’.”

You squeezed out a chuckle.

“I love you too.”

That seemed to be the trigger for him to slump off of you. You turned onto your side, brushing his brown locks out of his eyes. He caught your hand, bringing your knuckles to his lips. Kisses were peppered over your hand.

“You should sleep; it’s late.”

You tutted at him. You leaned forwards to peck him on his soft lips.

“Goodnight, Jesse.”

“G'night, (Y/N).”

Ishida Akira (Yakumo/Kikuhiko) x Hayashibara Megumi (Miyokichi)

Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/karice.wordpress.com/2017/01/07/p554/amp/


Interview and text: Maeda Hisashi

—The two of you have acted together on many different shows, beginning with Slayers where to you played Lina and Xellos, and Neon Genesis Evangelion where you were Ayanami Rei and Nagisa Kaworu. How did you feel when you found out that you would be acting together in this show?

Ishida: When I found out that Hayashibara-san would be my counterpart, I was like “Oh boy, what a frightening partner…” In a variety of ways.

Hayashibara: What’s this? Where? And how come? …like this, you mean? (chuckles)

Ishida: Oh, no no (chuckles). As everyone is well aware, you’re an incredible actor, right? Such a person is probably strict with themselves, and also with those acting beside them. At least, that’s what I figured.

Hayashibara: “That’s what I figured”…could you make sure that’s in large, bold font? (chuckles)

Ishida: Like, should I try to fake it, with my level of ability, you’d see right through me. You’d see through me no matter what I did, so I put myself on guard right from the start.

Hayashibara: Say what?!

Ishida: It’s especially true for this anime, but even for the other shows we’ve worked on together, I’ve always thought that you’re someone who makes the people you are acting with rather tense, no matter what the atmosphere of the studio seems like on the surface.

Hayashibara: Is that so…how interesting!

Ishida: “There’s so much pressure just in the fact that I have to do rakugo…and on top of that, I’ll be working with Yamadera (Kouichi)-san and Hayashibara-san, huh? Good heavens…” That’s pretty much what it felt like (chuckles).

Hayashibara: As for me, I was offered the part only after Yamadera-san, Ishida-san and Seki (Tomokazu)-kun had all been confirmed. So somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel that, if it hadn’t been you and Yamadera-san in those roles, then it probably wouldn’t have been me either. I’m not sure what it is, perhaps the balance of our voices, or our mentalities, or perhaps the wavelength we’re on, or our bonds in our previous lives (chuckles), but we just match, somehow. It was the same when I did Cowboy Bebop. Ishizuka (Unshō)-san and Yamadera-san were chosen first, and then I came in as the voice between them.

—After you started recording, could you tell us about what you sensed and took from each other’s acting?

Ishida: It was like Miyokichi was moving the story along at my pace, in a good way. Or perhaps, I felt that it was good that they met when the story was moving along. And just as I was becoming comfortable with the atmosphere of the studio where we were recording Rakugo Shinjuu, Kikuhiko was becoming comfortable with Miyokichi—this is probably something that men tend to do, but it felt a bit like a part of me was standing somewhat above her, looking down on her. I’m really glad that there was such an overlap, where the way that my character became familiar with his partner reflected my own experience in the studio.

Hayashibara: As for me, rather than being able to ‘take from’ Ishida-san’s acting, it was all I could do to try and grasp who Miyokichi was. I’m sure that Ishida-san and Yamadera-san both struggled with and spent a lot of time thinking about their own characters as well, but from my perspective, they were already Kiku-san and Sukeroku through and through. Just how could I slip into the space between them as Miyokichi? I wasted a lot of time during the recordings for the first half of the series trying to figure that out.

____Was Miyokichi a difficult character to play?

Hayashibara: Just the other day, I saw the latest episode on TV, and even then I found myself reflecting a little, like “Oh dear, was this correct…?” Which is really unusual for me (chuckles). There’s a line where Miyokichi says “I’m stupid, so…” but what I took from it was “This girl is no idiot, is she?” How much of that is just her acting out the part, and how much of it is real idiocy? It was pretty difficult treading the fine line between the two. And Kiku-san probably loves that idiocy in the way that a man loves “a woman who is just a little more broken than he is.” Whatever he says, he sees through the way she acts and what he finds on the other side, he loves even more. Or something like that. In playing Miyokichi, I was caught between the two (acting vs. real idiocy). It was in that episode 9 scene with Sukeroku that she finally settled on one side. That line of “Did something happen? I’ll hear you out…”—at first, I was directed to play it more listlessly, as if I’d lost everything. But Kubota Haruko-sensei, the mangaka, was actually at the studio when we recording that episode, and she said: “That line actually represents the point where she starts taking her revenge.” With that, the direction changed again, and I thought to myself “She really is no idiot.” It was then that I finally felt I’d grasped Miyokichi, just a little. Nevertheless, I honestly believe that there are points where her actions are motivated purely because she’s in love, and it’s precisely because she’s a woman who’s almost impossible to grasp that Kiku-san, too, is captivated by her. That’s right, a woman that Kiku-san would really fall in love with—just what kind of woman is that? In pondering that very question, I definitely used parts of my brain that I’d never used before. …hey Kiku-san, what exactly do you love about Miyokichi? (chuckles)

Ishida: (chuckles) Well, if I pick up the thread from what Hayashibara-san has just said, then Kiku has probably never thought that Miyokichi was an idiot. He knows that she’s someone who has used a range of wiles to survive, to get to where she is now. And because he sees her in this way, what he feels for her for her isn’t the kind of romantic love held by the average, modern high schooler who’s in love with his or her classmate. But when she’s there beside him, he finds himself responding to her allure. He’s a pitiful guy, after all. In that way, he lets himself be influenced by her, but at the same time, he’s cooly looking at himself, saying “This isn’t romantic love.” And he probably thinks of himself, of this person looking on so cooly, as “a real slime-ball,” too. But he is simply unable to throw away that feeling of comfort that he gets by being by her side. He’s a weak guy…or rather, an unfair one. In episode 8, he gets angry when he comes back from the regional tour and sees Sukeroku and Miyokichi in an embrace, doesn’t he? Personally, I don’t think he was that angry, not really (chuckles), but I also kind of understand why he was upset. Even though he didn’t regard himself as being in love, he gets irritated at the thought of parting with her. So, I also have to reflect on my performance, just like Hayashibara-san. That scene where Kiku says “I am (being a man). This is the greatest lie of my life”—when we recorded it, I went into the scene taking those words quite literally. But now that I think about it, it’s not like Kikuhiko was prepared to keep their relationship going—that kind of thought was probably in the back of his head, too. Hence, I’m sure that those words that he said to Sukeroku were, at some level, a lie aimed at deceiving himself as well.

Hayashibara: There are so many emotions on the other side of “I love you” that we no longer know which of them are right and which of them are wrong. In particular, in the middle part of the show, I felt like I was waiting for the directors’ guidance with regards to what was coming out of me naturally at that time. But if we think about it, that’s what real romantic love is like. It’s not like you’re reading out a love letter that expresses everything clearly in a set number of words. The attitude your partner takes at any particular point also changes the words you use, and it’s not as if it will play out the way you have planned. In that sense, even those elements of my performance that I thought may have been incorrect, may have been right as far as results go—I’ve been trying to think about it along those lines without trying to justify myself. Beyond that, all that remains is to leave it up to the viewers to decide how they feel about it.

—How do the two of you perceive Sukeroku?

Ishida: He’s someone who is real to the bone, with no artifice.

Hayashibara: Yup, I’m with you there. And that’s why he gets messed up (chuckles). Miyokichi envied him, just because he and Kiku-san got along too well. Something may have happened in Manchuria as well, but she simply has no interest in a guy who foolishly tries to woo her, so openly, too, despite knowing that she’s his master’s mistress (chuckles). In the end, a man like Kiku-san is more appealing to her—someone who fights to restrain himself, thinking “I can’t touch her because she’s my master’s,” but who gradually loses that fight and lays his hands on her. Hence, if Kiku-san hadn’t gotten involved with her, I don’t think she would have taken any interest in Sukeroku.

—And that did not change even after she took him back to her hometown?

Hayashibara: Because this was her revenge. But since Sukeroku just has so much warmth about him, I think that being with him may have felt comfortable to her. In that sense, she may have felt at times that he was causing her to forget (what she wanted). With Kiku-san, he’s so cold that she feels that she has to warm him up, but Sukeroku is just warm, unconditionally warm. Like the stomach of a golden retriever (chuckles). That kind of warm, comfortable feeling.

Ishida: I think that Kikuhiko has always been frustrated and envious of how Sukeroku found success with his completely different way of living, but if you ask me whether he felt something particular when he saw Sukeroku and Miyokichi’s together, then I suspect that he probably didn’t. In fact, given that he was, at that time, thinking that it wouldn’t be a good idea to keep dragging things out with Miyokichi in that way, it was like a godsend to him. Not that he’d say it, but I suspect that he probably felt something along the lines of “Thank you for creating the opportunity for me to break up with her.”

—As for Kikuhiko and Sukeroku, it was like they had a shared fate through rakugo, but it was ripped apart because of Miyokichi. How have you interpreted that aspect of the story?

Ishida: Kiku probably wouldn’t have ever imagined that, as a result of him dumping Miyokichi, that she would move to the countryside with Sukeroku. And there’s no way he would ever have wanted such an outcome.

Hayashibara: But if I look at it not from Miyokichi’s perspective but simply as a viewer, whether Miyokichi had been there or not, I feel that it would have been difficult for Sukeroku to continue doing rakugo in Tokyo. He would probably have distanced himself from Kiku-san, don’t you think?

Ishida: I suspect that Kikuhiko probably didn’t think of such a possibility. Sukeroku was getting a lot of backlash because of what he was doing, what he was aiming for, and a lot of problems were arising as a result. But fans were also full of praise for for his amazing performances. Hence, whilst it would have been best if Sukeroku did not cause any problems, but if he did, then Kikuhiko intended to continue backing him up. And I think there still was quite a way to go before he ran out of patience.

Hayashibara: I see…then Miyo-chan did indeed take Sukeroku away… That girl really is no idiot. The “revenge” that Kumota-sensei spoke about was that very act.

————–

Heat

*WARNING: PURE CHEESE GROSSNESS also this isn’t edited yet so soz im lazy 😂 this is inspired by basically every fan fiction but especially that riarkle one that I cant find (if anyone finds it be sure to link me!) on with the fanfic*

EDIT: the lovely @yugen-escapism found the Fanfic and it can be found here: http://blueyedpandas.tumblr.com/post/155009354343/heat by the very talented @blueyedpandas (go read hers it’s a lot better)

“Okay, then turn left when you get to the - NOW LUCAS!” Maya screeched from the passengers seat as Lucas completely missed the turn which led them further up the desolate road.

“Great job, bozzo! What’s your next genius plan now?” Maya clenched her jaw in frustration, shooting daggers at the Texan sitting next to her. His eyes rolled so far back he thinks it’s possible that he saw his own brain. “Look, we’ll turn left at the next exit and see where it takes us.” Lucas said, sighing deeply as he put his indicator on to turn left.

The next road seemed even more desolate and dark than the other, only a few streetlamps and the lights of the houses sprinkled along the street to provide a little brightness. It was late, around 2 or 3am and both of their phones were flat dead with the constant addiction to tech prone to their generation. They drove slowly in silence up the road until it came to a dead end.

Lucas sighed once again, but deeper this time. They had really got themselves into a situation this time and New York winters weren’t going easy on them. He got out the car (much to Maya’s calls of protest) to take in their surroundings and see if there was anywhere they could find refuge or at least charge their phones. However, as soon as he slammed the car door, a light sprinkling of snow began to descend and he knew then that it would not be safe to drive in those conditions at this time so he made his way back to the brooding blonde who had wrapped her arms around herself as tight as she could.

“So, Huckleberry, what’s the plan?” She said, twizzling her whole body to meet his eyes. “There isn’t one. We can’t drive ‘cause it’s just started to snow and both of our phones are dead. We’re basically stuck here until morning.”

“You have got to be fucking kidding me!” Maya deadpanned him, her features curled up in annoyance. “Yes! I’m totally joking and that’s why I look so god damn pissed, great job Maya!” He sarcastically let the sentence fall from his lips as Maya mimicked him under her breath.

They sat there in silence for a good 2 minutes, a world record by Maya and Lucas’ standards. Maya’s creamy skin was dotted with goosebumps and he could see her lips turning blue as she shivered dramatically in her seat.

“You cold?” He asked, trying to break the ice (but considering the temperatures, he doubted that would work).

“No shit, Huckleberry. It feels like jack frost is pinching my butt with those razor sharp icicle -claws of his!”

“Weird analogy but alright.” He dismissed. He pondered for a second, wondering whether to give her his jacket or not. “Do you want my jacket?” He asked cautiously as not to shake the bear. She turned to him doe-eyed, clearly puzzled and very tired.

“Erm… Sure? If you aren’t using it.” She assured as he reached into the back and pulled out a hoodie that was at least twice the size of her. She pulled it over her head with a quiet word of thanks and then proceeded to pull it down which meant the end happened to reach her lower thigh.

“Rick? I think it’s a little on the big side.” She stated, looking down at the sweater that was longer than most of the dresses she owned.
He couldn’t help but burst out laughing when he glanced over his shoulder and saw her petit frame being swallowed by his jumper that was just the right size on him. He wanted to grab his phone and take a picture but her death stare and lack of power put him off.
They were content for a while, Maya humming a tune and hugging her knees for warmth. As much as she hated his mocking about her size, she had to admit that the sweater was warm and she didn’t mind the smell that clung to it. It smelt like Lucas, kind of like sandalwood (@wickeryburning). She had to admit though, she was still freezing. She had only got a loose t-shirt and high waisted shorts on underneath and she also saw Lucas shiver, the outlining curve of his lip turning a pale tinge of blue.

“Huckleberrrryyy!” She whined, breaking his train of thought.

“It’s too collllld.” She continued to whine. He chuckled at her groaning, but inside was feeling the exact same way.

“Look, I might have a blanket in the back but it’s not going to fit over the both of us in the front. We’ll have to sit in the back if you want any blanket.” Lucas said, pulling the key out of the engine and getting out the car to grab the tartan blanket from the boot.

Maya huffed, but did scramble over the seats to the back and rested her head on the cold window. Lucas climbed in the back with her, blanket in tow and sat a measurable distance away from her, just so the blanket reached the tips of them both.

Had it been anyone else, she would be practically lying on top of them now. But it was Lucas. And her. Stuck in a car. Alone. It had already been awkward enough over the past few months with too many unspoken words and bottomless emotions. Sure, Lucas and Riley broke things off and though it had caused a little awkwardness the first few days, the two were happy as could be when they were simply friends (plus Riley may or may not moved her pining over to a certain scientist). Maya, however, was in denial of the fact. She had tried to persuade the two back together, but they wouldn’t budge. Riley and Lucas knew they weren’t great as a couple and were fine with it. Maya wasn’t. She insisted that they were right for each other, that they had to love each other. Maybe it was because she was scared of what would happen if they didn’t.

Anyhow, it had made the last few months awkward between Maya and Lucas. They had history that they couldn’t deny, and now that it was a free for all Maya wanted to keep order in the chaos, trying to make sure nothing changed.

A cloud of silence loomed over them, and Maya felt her cheeks begin to flush from embarrassment.

Lucas finally broke the silence. “Maya, this clearly isn’t working. You look like a snowman and I think my toes have detached from my body. I have an idea but you have to trust me.”

Maya rolled her eyes, trying to deny her lack of heat but she had to admit that she still felt like a penguin, especially as the snow began to pile up outside. “Fine. What’s your bright idea lone star?”

Lucas took a deep breath, preparing himself for a probable slap. “Skin to skin makes you considerably warmer.” He paused, studying her facial expression to see if she had caught on to his idea (she clearly hadn’t). He dared to continue.

“Soooo. I know it’s weird… But if we both took our shirts o- OW!” Yep, he had been right. She slapped him.

“I knew it! I knew you were a perv!” Maya stated, avoiding eye contact with the cowboy. He grew irritated

“Oh for God’s sake Maya! It’s -5 and I just want to be warm. I hate this just as much as you and believe me, I can’t even feel my balls.” She sniggered, but could feel the tension in his voice. He genuinely did want to be warm and not a perv.

She huffed before mumbling under her breath. “Fine, but you’re still a pervert.”

He turned around to face the window, lifting the hem of his t-shirt up and over his head before throwing it in the middle, averting his eyes from where Maya was tentatively tapping the hem of her shirt. Eventually, she lifted it straight over her head, shivering as she felt the chill hit her hard. She turned to face Lucas and did a double take as she took in the vision before her (she also thanked her lucky stars she wore her nice bra today)

He had a tan torso, and a six pack clear along his stomach. Sure, she knew he was probably in shape since he did so much football but she already felt herself getting warm from the situation. He was just the same, surprised that she had outlines of abs from where she had been doing a thirty day challenge. And, he couldn’t help his eyes wander around… Places.

“Hey! Eyes up here you perv!”
“I could say the same to you, shortstack.”

Her cheeks flushed a deeper shade of pink and she tried to cover it by making conversation.

“Well… That was pointless, I feel colder. I’m putting my shirt bac-”
“Maya, its called skin to skin for a reason. You just sitting there isn’t going to help - you need to actually be, you know,… Touching me.”

“Fuck my life.” She mumbled under her breath before shuffling closer. He stretched his body across the backseat though his feet hung off the end. She top-tailed with him, her head where his feet met the edge. He gave her a pointed look as if to say “really?” And took her hand causing her to pull it away like a ninja and make her own way to where he lay.

She rested her back very lightly on his stomach, her hair brushed to the side so that it lay across the length of his shoulders and her head facing towards the seat in front of them. She had never been this close to Lucas before, and she thought her heart might just pound out of her chest.

She could feel his warm breath on her neck, smell is cologne, feel his fingers in the tips of her hair. It was a sensory overload and she thought she might just pass out. He pulled the blanket over the two of them and Maya found herself gravitating even closer towards him (if that were possible) so that she could have as much warmth as possible. Her skin felt on fire as she nuzzled into his shoulder and then his arm was around her waist and she didn’t even try to move. Her finger found it’s way to his stomach and began tracing the lines of his abs. Her breath hitched as the grip on her waist tightened and rolled her so her head rested just under his chin, on his chest.

She felt oddly safe in his big arms, his fingers running through her wild locks. He feels kind of nervous, but he can’t help the smile when her eyes flutter and she takes a big yawn. There’s a few stars he can see out the window, and it smells kind of Smokey with a scent of cold like when your around a campfire with all your friends late at night without a care in the world. He can feel Maya’s pink nose against his bare chest, chilling him as she nuzzles further into him.

“Shortstack?”

His voice is low, almost a whisper. She hears him though, making a small whimper to let him know he had her attention.

“Do you ever think about us? You know… What we could have been if it hadn’t got this messy?”

Maya’s eyes shoot open quickly in surprise, but she covers it well by pretending to rub them.

“Well. Yeah I guess.” She shrugs her shoulders gently.

“But there’s nothing we can do now. You two are p-”

“Perfect for each other? ” he finishes her sentence and for the first time she meets her eyes with his, swallowing the familiar lump she feel emerging in her throat.

“Maya. You know me and Riley aren’t perfect for each. Just accept it. There’s someone else I like anyway.”

She turns away from him with a big sigh, replaying in her mind that hope is for suckers. “Yeah? Who might the lucky girl be?” She asks with pretend interest, tracing the lines of his torso once again.

He taps her chin lightly so her eyes are looking straight at his, nowhere to run or hide. Two souls connected with so many years of unspoken words and yet they’re barely touching, without a whisper they say thousands of pages of words with thousands of meanings. And he can’t help but lean in and press his lips against her, relishing in the chill that isn’t from the cold snow pouring outside their window.

She feels her heart stop for a second and her hands are numb and her brain frozen in place.

“Does that answer your question?” He says, cupping her face gently between his big hands, little blonde hairs entrapped in his finger tips. She’s speechless, nodding and not exactly smiling but not exactly angered.

She lays her head back on his chest and curls into him and not a word needs to be spoken for the Lucas to know what his little one’s intimacy meant. Though her heart was pounding a mile a minute, she felt tranquil, like a peace had washed over her that she didn’t recognise.

That’s how they were found in the morning by the rest of their friends, Maya curled into his side, with Lucas’ arm protecting her, light snores from the both of them. It’s safe to say it took a lot of explaining to the 57 missed calls that their friends left.

Every Single Rupauls Drag Race Queen Ranked from 1 to 100 by David Mason
You will notice as thece list goes it runs from HARSH to KIND being that we go from people who are wasting our time and perhaps not living an honest fantasy but trying to be something they FEEL they’re SUPPOSED to be and talented artists who capture us as they reveal beautifully honest selves which bloom from their unconscious.
The Top 25 are ICONIC GOLD and are identities who hold their own amongst all the queens. They are APEX PREDATORS and each could arguably be made number one depending on each persons values. This is MY list and therefore it reflects my values and needs.
100. Phi Phi O’Hara Shes actually the worst for being a horrible person who cant figure out why shes terrible and thats the worst part. I actually BOOED her in public when I saw her. Is it wrong to not like someone just because they were born??? I think it probably is BUT I dont like Phi-Phi because when they showed her mom her mom was like 26 and I just thought YUCK, unplanned pregnancy is just TACKY and I wouldnt have to deal with you if your mom just had the balls to own her own body and be responsible and kind to the Earth and abort you but apparently the apple doesnt fall far from the (say this in Goldie Hawn from Overboard voice) “short, fat, slut" and you come from a long line of short selfish inconsiderate people. Phi-phi is the best case as to why Planned Parenthood should be next to every McDonalds.
99. Kenya Michaels : Oh god Im disturbed by her. She was like that little doll from Trilogy of terror. I found her strong sexual identity so uncomfortable as it was just too obviously a defense mechanism from being a tiny rapeable person from a third world territory. Thats AWFUL to say but Im sorry its just what I saw. I didnt find it funny or sexy. I found it awful and cringy. Its NOT a reason to not like a person but it is a reason as to why I dont want to see her on my tv bending over and WAGGING HER TWAT at me. I dont want to celebrate her complex attempt at molestation management, Im sorry. Lets hope this is me just projecting. I know this is too much for the SECOND entry but Im just saying what I felt. I wish shed read a book instead of just GOING WITH THE SEX THING.
98. Kandy Ho: What gross name, what a skank not even a good skank like Samantha Fox, just a shitty skank.
97. Phoenix: Who? I really have to speed through this list I have to go to the gym.
96. Madame LaQueer: Id put her at 99 but I feel bad for her. Im a nice person.
95. Alisa Summers: i have no idea who this person is
94. Penny Tration: Oh fuck you for that stupid name. Get the fuck outta here.
93.Vivienne Pinay: Why did she think she was pretty or passable or fishy or WHAT? All I saw was “Hi, Can I get the lunch special? I’ll have tai Iced tea with Rad Prik Chicken and coconut soup. Thank you.”
92. Venus D-Lite: Venus is who I think of when I think of queens that dont matter. I didnt even say that to be mean. She just is.
91. Jaidynn Diore Fierce: ??? oh she was the one I think should be named PEANUT.
90. Naysha Lopez: What plane of consciousness thought this person needed to be seen?
89. Sasha Belle: Awkward entry! Rip off Mugler Chimera dress. HERES A TIP PEOPLE, dont try and copy the most amazing well made dress in the world that cost 300k to make and 900 years of 900 year old Parisian couturiers to make. I PROMISE YOUR VERSION WONT BE AS GOOD. If youre going to copy something also make sure said reference has a TEENSY bit of wiggly room for either styling OR improvement. The Mugler Chimeira dress does NOT. Stop looking at it, you cant have it.
88. Akashia: Maybe the first person to fall on the runway??? I dont know? I dont remember her exactly
87. Rebecca Glasscock: I went shopping with Ru once at Saks and a sales girl came up and said “Rebecca works here now!” Ru went from Cafe au lait to FISHBELLY faster than she could mutter… “Rebecca is here?…….now?” thank god the girl was like “Not today”… Cocoa pallor regenerated, shopping recommenced. Rebecca must have been INSANE.
86. Honey Mahogany: Who and Why and whatever….
85. Derrick Barry: Nope.
84. Robbie Turner: I wish you were Tina Turner
83.Cynthia Lee Fontaine:The cowboy look was like a THANKSGIVING revelation that GRANPA IS A CROSS DRESSER?!?!
82. Darienne Lake: Dip into the cool water of Darienne Lake was the best thing about her and that was Rus doing so.. BYE and shes from like Rochester or some shit. YUCK mid/western New York is SKANK.
81. Ginger Minj: Just everything I don’t appreciate.
80. BeBe Zahara Benet: She won season one and I think the prize was 10k and it shoulda gone to Nina.
79. Bob the Drag Queen: After the extraordinarily beautiful Violet won. The audience of sheep were put off by their inability to relate to her because they just arent as good as her so the next season they wrote the season about having a “peoples princess” win and that why we have SHITTY BOB the person who shouldnt have ever been invited. Whats WORSE and MORE ANNOYING is the LATENT worship of Violet after they realized JUST HOW GOOD SHE WAS ONCE THEY SAW BOB and Im sitting here with my fists clenched screaming YOU IDIOTS THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT?!?!?! Bobs season was the worst.
78. Delta Work: Shes the drag queens drag queen. Shes too bitter for tv though. Same reason as to why Jackie Beat isnt on tv, too sour for tv, but thats ok. There is certainly somethig to have the cache of being the type of queen you have to go out to see. When she botched the comedy challenge I felt for her. I could really relate. She has the comic ability and you could just hear the inner dialogue of self sabotage running in her mind. It sucked. Thats one of my challenges too.
77. Thorgy Thor: Funny smart queen that I like. Tv isnt a format that suits her.
76. Sahara Davenport : A sweet soul.
75. Yara Sofia: Ick… The best example of LEARN TO EDIT. Her styling is THE GOOP SHOW. You know how some people just have BAD VIBES? I just dont want her around me. I dont see her vibes swirling in a direction I wanna head towards. I kinda hate dreads, Id lie and not say it to sound cool but there just unsavory to me. Patchouli.. thats what I smell when I see them in my minds eye.They just make me ask.. Why do you deliberately choose to be kinda not so clean? Its some romantic notion I don’t prescribe too. Im not earthy in that way. Im Earthy in a watermelons are fierce kinda way.
74. Kelly Mantle: This person is not Christine Baranski! Why are you telling me youre related to a baseball player like Im supposed to care?
73. Magnolia Crawford: ahahahahahahahahahah… that poor homosexual. He MIGHT be more disliked than phi-phi. THAT NOSE gets points.. it HAD to be a critique on nose contour right?! Does anyone ACTUALLY know her?! I feel like this might be some weird dare that a straight guy did and made it on the show. It was all so WEIRD?!
72. Jade. I really dont remember a damn thing but kinda thought she was a nice person maybe??? errr ummmm I just shrugged my shoulders to myself.
71. Lanaysha Sparks: She was quite lovely and even surprisingly talented on the craft contest but not knowing who Diana Ross is and your a drag queen is SATANISM. Poor bitch is from Puerto Rico, do you now Puerto Rico is twice as poor as the poorest state? That sucks.
70.Laila McQueen: Is this an OSBORNE CHILD?? Had she been on previous seasons she would have faired better. Seemed like a kid Id hire as an intern and could trust.
69. Serena ChaCha Oh my god Serena snook right by me?!?! AHAHAHAHAH Serena! Worst look of ALL TIME. how was SHE an art school student?! I cringed when she said that as Im an art school kiid and was like NO NO NOPE TAKE IT BACK CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! Serena was the victim of QUEEN ON QUEEN GANG BULLYING and what was worse is AMERICA BACKED THE GANG RAPE. It was like that scene in The Dark Crystal when the Skeksi looses the sword challenge and they all tear the clothes of him and banish him! Alyssa WENT IN on her….Coco even got a piece of Serena that day! Serena is lucky to be alive.
68. Jasmine Masters: Im disturbed by my own ability to impersonate Jasmine Masters. Its not THAT GOOD but its better than a 225lb Pollock should be able to do. Her Slinky worm routine makes me GIGGLE. She is ANGRY……BLACK RAGE which I kinda appreciate in a way. I get it. I have gay rage so why cant she have BLACK RAGE?!
67. Tempest DuJour awww tempest.. We all like Tempest. Kinda funny shes a costume design teacher though no? She gave my husband a shirt and my husband wore it for her all day in Provincetown because my husband is like the sweetest person ever. I mean people were like “TEMPEST DU JOUR?!” they practically SPIT on him and he still wore it and he tagged her in the photo and she didnt even regram lolololol My poor husband, I love him so much.
66. The Princess: I made a comment about the Princess’ look being shitty on Instagram once and all her fans went APESHIT. It was the two nastiest messages I ever deleted.
65. Monica Beverly Hillz I shoulda put her farther back. She was not so great.
64. Vivacious: Awwww the old battle axe of drag. I support her endaevor but her looks were so dated. I do however respect her respect for the art so…
63. Lashauwn Beyond: That name is so real. You can say she sucks but you can also say shes the spirit of drag taking you “up" so let her be.
62. Mrs. Kasha Davis: WOAH boy did she sneak by me?! She must have got here EARLY and just WAITED. She sucked so hard you kinda loved her for being honest. Kasha was like your olde gay neighbor whos taste level sucks but you respect her because she went through the AIDS crisis and is still smiling. Not even kidding.
61. BenDeLaCreme: I just did not like her.
60. Pandora Boxx: Oh god Pandora. Did you see that Unicorn video she made… bless this bitch.
59. Shangela Laquifa Wadley: Shangela was just cheap. Shangela is like the same taste level as like Paula Abdul, Mad Tv, Khols, a Sketchers Sneaker… I just never like what she does. I dont need it. Its poor person humor. Just because you say something LOUDLY doesnt make it more funny. ( as I type in CAPS)
58. Roxxxy Andrews: This poor bitch dug a damn hole… You know shes not likeable because she was shadey but she was more talented then anticipated in the creative challeges, and I thought she had nice skin. My husband HATES HER.
57. Kim Chi: One note. Refrigerator being pushed down a runway. I actually dont like her for not having the courage to be out to her parents. Its insulting to the rest of us. Buck up bitch, your mom already knows, shes known since you were 2. The fact you think she doesnt know is INSANE. Your non outness renders any talent moot.
56. Adore Delano: Thanks but Ive been to Hot Topic, NEXT.
55: Acid Betty: I don’t remember much about the 00S BUT I STILL REMEMBER THOSE WIGS.
54. Courtney Act: Ok sure, but wheres the interesting part???? Her finale dress that was like rainbow hologram acetate was cool and nobody even mentioned it.
53. Trixie Mattel: I tried so hard to be nice to her in Provincetown and she was a cunt. Why are you a cunt to someone being NICE to you?
52. Coco Montrese : I could say mean shit but I wont. shes worked long and hard and deserves a clap. Shes not even a cunt. shes out of touch but shes from another world. Respect your elders.
51. Dida Ritz: Talk about out of touch. Her weird self loathing “Im a white girl” routine turned me into Jasmine Masters?! Like EWWW NO, learn to love yourself BITCH. We all know she did one of the best lip synchs ever.
50. Stacy Layne Matthews: Wait shes NOT black?!??? She was from BACK SWAMP, that gets TREMENDOUS “SWAMP CRED” She was so fat her hormones were just like “WHATEVER.. theres simply "NOT ENOUGH of us to go around?! WE DONT KNOW WHERE TO GO.. What do you wanna be today??? When was the last time youve seen your genitals because are you SURE youre still a male?? We dont know and could use some DIRECTION?!” and I appreciate that. I like people who are just like IM WHATEVER. Not everyone has to be a male or a female you know.
49. Jade Jolie: Jade is surprisingly the fishiest queen in my opinion. I saw her at the premiere party before her season started and we honestly thought she might be BIOLOGICAL. This holds some cache in an art of trying to be a woman at least SOMEWHAT. She made the unfortunate mistake of becoming Alyssas ENEMY which at the time was ACTUALLY kinda necessary because if you remember when Alyssa first started she was not the Alyssa we know and love and was kinda of a cunt who needed to get CLOCKED. BACK ROLLS has now been mutters a million times by ME ALONE and lets be honest WERE ALL now VERY CONSCIOUS of our back rolls now. I even got COOL SCULPTING and yes it worked. It works if youre like semi normal with a slight love handle or backroll but not if you have a spare tire because then its just like removing a brick from a wall, and no it didnt hurt, but get it done in Florida because procedures are cheaper there. Florida is basically LAWLESS, they also gave me a VITAMIN DRIP as I did it. That is not legal in NYC.
Jade had horrible style and made what looked like NAZI MATRIX PORN but dont imagine that in a good sorta Night Porter chic Nazi way. Imagine it as a black vinyl raincoat that that greasy haired kid in high school who wasnt allowed to be a faggot because you already had that role and did it better so he sorta segued into FETISH GOTH would have and now imagine him filming himself masturbating with a NON APPLE iPhone to a Marilyn Mason poster… That was her porn.
48. Sonique: Sonique is responsible for one of the wisest self realizations to ever surface on RPDR to me. After getting the chop she said something along the lines of “Well I guess theres more to life than being better than everyone.” YUP. Stop competing, life isnt a competition. You do you and thats your challenge, forget about everyone elses storyline.
47. Mystique Summers Madison: DANGEROUS PERSON but such good TV. To me it seems Mystique has the kind of tongue that can only tell lies, which is sad because that means she thinks whatever the truth is is so terrible she has to come up with an alternative. Thats unfortunate. That said I dont want her in my home. If she lies to herself and others this means she feels she doesnt have to play by the rules and probably steals. Did I just imagine her a thief? Yes, I did. I imagined her at a party at my house slipping one of my Versace candy dishes in her pocket WITH THE SOUR PATCH KIDS STILL IN IT.
46. Gia Gunn: Gia to me really is the sorta line between the queens you care about and the queens you take the opportunity to go get a drink while they come on stage. I took my two assistants on that Drag Cruise as a present and I cant remember what exactly happened but somebodies sneakers were TEMPORARILY ABDUCTED and Gia was UNNFUCKED and SURLY ABOUT IT. Gia on the show was half gross and half awesome. I feel shed LIKE to be nice but has so much DEFENSIVE ANGER she can’t. Its a mistake as shed be much more successful if she got over that. She really feels herself despite having a wonky eye, really short legs, and likening herself to Talapia and aligning herself to TIM GUNN??? Your fashion references are from TV????!… OH GURL… NO!.… I like her though. Shes a talented performer. I feel like Gia is that friend you have thats sorta like a bad dog on leash. You have to be careful with them when around kind people but theyre also helpful because theyre more than eager to be the bad guy if someone is bugging you. We all have that friend and theyre kinda fierce.
45. Mariah. Mariah walked into the room first episode and I thought DAMN shes FIERCE… and then she never looked that good again. If I was just going by tv, which Im 98% going by shed be placed lower BUT I saw her on that drag cruise and her performance was PERFECT. It was CLASSIC DRAG but executed flawlessly and she was nice when we got stuck in the elevator with her. I feel like she thinks she has to be mean or fierce or whatever when shed actually be more well received if she was the person I saw on the cruise who was down to Earth and chill.
44. Milan: Milan is one of the few New York Queens that Ive ACTUALLY SEEN OUT. These other queens im always like NEW YORK? NEW YORK WHERE?!? Im a third generation new Yorker who has lived here 18 years on my own and Ive never seen most of these queens who claim to be from NYC. Milan is nice and a talented performer. I was never into her drag because shes real STAGE oriented and real JULIARD STYLE ( I dunno if she actually went there) and thats just not my interest but she at least TRIED.
43. Dax ExclamationPoint: I feel Dax sorta made a mistake pigeon holing herself as “Queen of the nerds”, as soon as someone claims identity of something on camera queens for some reason HATE IT. I imagine its some kind of projected self loathing as gays are trained to hate themselves. Like how dare YOU assert yourself as something, you CANT do that youre a faggot. I seriously think this is the unconscious voice in 98 percent of gay guys heads and its why so many are self sabotaging or drug addicts and why there is no such thing as a gay gay icon and even kinda why DRAG EXISTS AT ALL. We cant like ourselves because straight society taught us to hate ourselves so we put it all onto a fantastic woman. Dax seems like a nice person who doesnt have that insane person need to “win” and therefore really shouldnt have been on the show as she just got used as sacrifice for hungrier queens.
42. Kennedy Davenport: Wait did I already do Kennedy Davenport because I really didnt like her??? huh I guess I didnt. Well maybe my unconscious mind liked her more than my reptile ego did and she got placed higher than anticipated. How can you hate on a hard working talent who has a retarded sister she has to support?! Jesus christ give the bitch a tip and never do less than a FIVE when tipping queens people A DOLLAR IS THE SAME THING AS A QUARTER!
41. India Ferrah: Oh god I worry saying mean things about India because I dont want to hurt her feelings as worry that she TEETERS ON SANITY but she to me is what drag is WHEN I DONT LIKE DRAG. Her “combat contour” is brutalist to the point of being vulgar. To me her styling concept is PUT EVERYTHING YOU OWN ON NOW BECAUSE MAYBE WE NEED TO RUN OUT THE DOOR AFTERWARD. I mean its the 8 foot braid with a giant bow, and the top hat, and the body stocking, and the thigh high boot, and the breast plate, now a giant necklace to cover the edge of the fake boobs, now put a spider SUCKLING THE TIT of the breastplate, oh wait I have TWO BOOBS and I NEED ANOTHER SPIDER, now add a couple jewels to the eyes of the spider OH WAIT spiders have six eyes so add four more… now what about belts, I only have TWELVE….
40. Mimi Imfurst: OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! She fucking CAPTURED India ferrah like some kind of MOUNTAIN TROLL?!?!? That was one of the most amazingly insane moments on TV ever! Then when Raven WENT IN on her in All Stars …omg I have that segment saved on my phone and just watch it when I need to feel “myself” again. Mimi on the cruise actually did the best read on the Michelle Visage roast. Shes smart but lets her inner voices get the best of her. We all have inner voices but I feel chubby people are chubby because the voices are louder. Im not even saying it to be a dick but it seems like with people who suffer from body issues LIKE ME the inner voices are so LOUD you can see them reacting to them on their face. Hang around me long enough and you’ll totally see this. This is called being a function insane person!
39. Morgan McMichaels: Ahhh the Morgan McMonkey! Did you know shes actually Scottish, like from Scotland? That didnt come off on the show. Ok Morgan to me is interesting because as a person Morgan is just not my kinda person, she even has a SUPERMAN TATTOO and you know how much I hate Superman as to me he is the OPPOSITE OF CREATIVITY and a HERO TO SHEEP but that does NOT discount her talents. Ive seen her perform live and shes VERY good. Do I want to hang with her NO, is she a solid talent YES. I met her once and she tried to tell me she doesnt eat pork because PIGS DONT HAVE KIDNEYS. She said this while chain smoking cigarettes and drinking heavily… hmmmm. I dont even know how to organize the judgements I have. All this said I feel if Morgan was your friend you could trust her and shed definitely not be afraid of taking a hit to defend you.
38. April Carrion: She is the best example of being chopped too soon. Shes very talented and pretty and makes her own looks and I respect her abilities. She had more to offer as Ive seen other looks of hers and they were good. Too much of a shrinking violet to survive a comepetition. Shes quite lovely Im surprised she hasnt got some rich old benefactor.
37. Nicole Paige Brooks Oh my fuckin god Nicole Paige Brooks?!?!? Nicole is so important as she is SO MANY THINGS. Nicole is the ESSENCE OF REGIONAL TALENT. She is THE small town coke head faggot drag queen WE ALL KNOW. My mom would have had her on PROBATION. The spirit that has possessed Nicoles body is an ancient spirit which haunts every rural gay bar! Remember how she had the hots for Raven and also had FRECH TIP TOENAILS?!…That BODY built EXCLUSIVELY by COCAINE. Ugh.. Ive never even seen Nicole but I know her sooo well. Nicole has that IVE BEEN TO PRISON and ALSO HAVE CHILDREN and ALSO HAVE A CLOSETED BLACK BOYFRIEND vibe that is SO PURE. Nicole is the queen who marches in the regional gay pride parade wearing flat sandals and a bikini and ACCEPTS TIPS while she does it! Nicole might also work at BEST BUY when “O.D” (out of drag). and when in drag theres also the worry that she might ACTUALLY O.D. Nicole is important.
36. Carmen Carrera: Ok Carmen is from Jersey where its NOT EASY to be a gay soul. Carmen once tried to tell me its ok that straight guys call you a faggot there because its not an isult its just what you are… EEEESSSSHKKK That is some HARDCORE Stockholm Syndrome. I could say more but its none of my damn business. Im not crazy about Carmen because I think shes made some choices based on where shes from but thats none of my damn business so I’ll shut the fuck up. To me Carmen is an example of an unfortunate situation. Ive had to deal with those hardened Jersey boys as a kid and as a tender gay boy its NOT A NICE THING and it would have been easier for me if I was just a girl too. Yes shes pretty, I wish her happiness. If I was raised where she was maybe I would have killed myself. In a way she sorta did I guess but also rebirthed herself.. maybe I need to give her more credit.
Im going to add this. Most of us have to deal with being a "faggot” in a straight world and deal with it however we choose. I for example fetishisize it as for me its a safe place thats at least exciting as its FIERCE to have your hot husband call you a faggot as he bangs your puss hole out. At least that way youre dealing with the anxiety in a safe place and its HOT its also a lot easier than getting a sex change, pretending it never happened, and siding with your abusers in an effort to make the best of a bad situation. Maybe Ive made the wrong choice, see instead of siding with them and changing my sex I went punk and just write horrible things about them on St Patricks day and work out a lot so I can intimidate them on the street. SIDENOTE I have NEVER had someone make an anti gay comment to me when they’re by themselves, have you ever noticed that? The comments are only made when youre out numbered… fuckin pussies.
35. Jiggly Caliente: Jiggly is real.
34. Victoria “Porkchop” Parker: Porkchop must be worshipped as she was sacrificed for all our sins.
32. Ivy Winters: Nobody ever put it together that Ivy Winters looks almost identical to Grace Jones AND Jean Kasem. That is POWERFUL MAGIC. Too bad she didnt know it either because if she channeled that spirit she could have won this thing so damn easy.
31. Pearl:
31. Tatiana: The day Tati steps away from low brow nineties references and learns to kick is the day Tati advances much farther. She NEVER uses her legs and her legs are AMAZING?! I wish she woulda had the self confidence to get tougher on Raven when Raven attacked her on her season because it was so clear that Raven was operating out of total jealousy being both have great beauty but for Tati it was effortless and for Raven its four hours of incredibly skilled painting. Tati was too green to have that wisdom. If she had it…ooooohhhhh it woulda been FUHEEEEIRCE!
30. Laganja Estranja: Oh god… I dont have the mental capacity at this point to go into the psyche of Laganja…Laganja is so important. Laganja is the litmus for bad faggotry because shes ACTUALLY TALENTED, shes got an amazing body, but OH GOD shes a nightmare. You can tell her parents felt guilty and coddled and spoiled their baby gay into a place where the only way she now knows how to operate is to be a needy indulged victim. Her comedy routine with the old people was a SURREALIST MASTER PIECE. Get off drugs laganja, they dont make you cool and needing the crutch of a vice does not a personality make.
29: Jinkx Monsoon: Does anyone else remember how bad she was at the beginning of her season??? She got the ONLY edit and they spun her into a storyline where theres was no way she could loose. Ive seen this storyline somewhere and it was called PRETTY IN PINK. They basically realized she both Molly Ringwalds character AND the Ducky character at the same time and spun a storyline for her to win because they hadnt a queen like her yet. She is talented, not my kinda talent but whatevs, to me shes the MACARONI ART of drag. She woulda been my friend first year of art school but then you have to change schools because you find out she has a crush thats a touch much on you and its weird because you thought you were just good friends.
28. Tyra Sanchez: In person I think Tyra might be the most beautiful of all the queens actually. You won’t believe this but its true, she’s a stunner. Too bad she just wants to be the best Beyonce, and not the best Tyra. Tyra, you be TYRA because Trinity K already does a waaaaaaaaay better Beyonce to be honest and youre actually so good on your own if you just owned YOURSELF youd be extraordinary. Its a shame she doesnt have the insight or desire to be HERSELF. Isnt that INSANE??? Its why nobody likes her, because SHE doesnt like her?!
27. Alexis Mateo: When you read her name do you also read it with a lisp? I do! Alexis is a sweet person whom I really appreciate and is also a victim of the pageant system. Pageant girls suffer from not fully grasping why the pageant system is bad. Ladies, we dont think YOU are bad, we think youre victims of a horrible oppressive system that wishes to put women into a structure of something like a DOG show. THIS IS DEGRADING NOT ONLY TO YOU BUT TO ALL FEMALES. It attempts to organize the female sex into ONE SINGULAR IDEAL based on the values of MEN and thats FUCKED UP. To organize females into ONE SINGULAR IDEAL is HORRIBLE and ROTTEN. It DEVALUES any ability that men might see as something THEY have to deal with and DENIES ABILITIES and STRENGTH to women creating an oppressive structure for females to operate in. Its GROSS, dont buy into it, its not cool!
26. Shannel: I know you dont agree but Shannel is important. Shannel wears VON DUTCH HATS. Shannels best friend is the WHISPERING FACE in the mirror that tells her to believe insane things. Shannel has THE BEST EYES of all contestants. Shannel belongs to a mentally ill race of people known as SHOW FOLK. Shannel thought JUGGLING while walking down the runway would be IMPRESSIVE. Shannel paid FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS for that garment and Shannel paid TOO MUCH. Shannel WAS NOT ELIMINATED… SHE CHOSE TO LEAVE!….. Shannel is important.
OK the TOP TWENTY FIVE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. These are the APEX PREDATORS!!! Have you noticed as the list has gone on the comments have gone from VENOMOUS and PUNISHING to RESPECTFUL ACCOLADE and thats because as the list goes the talent increases and Im grateful that these people are inspiring, not wasting my time, and are championing values that need to be championed! When I typed this I just got so excited I moved my ENTIRE BODY on top of my little clear desk chair and Im sitting here typing like a GARGOYLE! Every single one of these queens are a WINNER and I mean that. Im not just saying this shit, each one of these queens is a SOLID ARCHETYPE and depending on your own values you could place most of them in the top five and have a SOLID ARGUMENT. This list however is MY opinion and MY VALUES so this is much more about ME than THEM of course. Honestly every single queen on this entire list is a talent and deserves respect for making the effort!… yes even Phi-phi. To be in the top twenty five however means you can STAND YOUR GROUND AND OWN YOUR OWN CROWN. Remember this is MY list. Youll understand reading this list I value creativity and HEIGHT more than anything. Being fishy doesnt count for much to me and if youre dumb and dishonest it aint gonna work out…. Here are THE MOST IMPORTANT QUEENS OF RUPAULS DRAG RACE!!!
25. Jessica Wild: AHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAH How the FUCK did Jessica Wild make the top list?! FUCK YES MISS JESSICA you MADE IT!! Ahahah this is WONDERFUl. I secretly admit I LOVE Jessica. Ill go so far to say shes almost like a KINDER EN ESPAñOL version of Alyssa! Jessica live is FUN and shes VERY KIND. I met her and she was a doll. Jessica is GOOD VIBES. I can totally hang with Jessy. Is she creative? NOPE. Is she Edgy? NOPE. Is she fierce… actually she kinda is???!. Shes a good person who you can tell HONESTLY LOVES DRAG and has fun doing it and THAT is why she made top 25! Shes a pure soul who enjoys what she does and that its the SPIRIT and HONESTY rarely found on EARTH!
24. Max: Max CLEARLY is really into Kristen Mcnemany. Max served us upper middle class white privilege. She was NOT bound by the oppressive low class moral standards of gender and sexuality! Max allowed herself to be flat chested and have GREY hair and this says IM WEALTHY AND EDUCATED ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE TO PLAY BY A MANS RULES AND BE A BIMBO YOU POOR PEOPLE?! Max was well read and Max is probably the most well travelled person in the semi mid west sorta shitty small to medium sized city in which I imagine she is from NEXT TO HER SISTER that was in THE PEACE CORPS (I imagine). I bet Max went to a college that was previously ONLY FOR GIRLS. Off the show Max really gave some fantastic editorial moments. I appreciated Max, she was refreshing.
23. Naomi Smalls: The Praying Mantis of drag! Naomis skeleton is the best of all the girls and thats why shes here. TALL and THIN is SO IMPORTANT. She actually was a nice person and very creative too. I don’t like how people discounted her, she was far more creative than most of these people.
22. Milk: Milk is kinda like Max but not as annoying as a person and more “boy aware”. Like I imagine sitting on train with Max might be tedious as her affectations are what got her chopped, and Milk though shes a touch WASPY for my tastes is actually cool and smart and you could share and laugh with her. Milk was MY club name in the 90s so thats interesting as were both tall white people I guess that name just gets handed to you. Milk is sorta the Sandra Bernhardt of RPDR to me but maybe its just the STRONG NOSE. I liked Milks Pinnochio A LOT but if I remember correctly she used the same wig or a pair of shoes a few times and that DOES get a deduction. She was REAL “I have a mom who went to college and shes tall and for my birthday she bought me an AFGHAN (the dog).” . SMART WHITE PEOPLE LIFE… basically everyone I went to college with.
21. Joslyn Fox: Jossy Fox is not trying to be anything she isnt and that is her refreshing appeal. Jossy shops at Tj Maxx and has lunch at Panera because she used to work there and still gets a discount because her fag hag never left despite making a lot of lateral moves that took her nowhere. If I had kids Id hire Jossy to babysit them. Jossy asked to have my husband visit her at her dining table on the drag cruise, BUT NOT ME.
20. Willam: I really should have put Willam at a higher ranking place simply because shes a class act and one of the only queens whos never asked for a discount and buys my clothes. She is the one queen who decided to play by her own rules which sorta bit her in the ass ALMOST, but shes also one of the only queens who has her own career outside of RPDR. I like Willam, shes distant and calculating, but so am I.
19. Ongina: Ongina is important because shes the first one to show that to be successful on the show its not about your elaborately constructed artifice that you might THINK is what makes people like you, but about the REAL YOU you fear to show others that is what makes people like you and this TEENY BEING had the balls to do it. Ongina is all about the live performance as shes a total charmer. She can dance in the palm of your hand and sleeps in a walnut shell at night. Her charm is her human connection that you dont get from most performers and you can’t really get from TV.
18. Manila Luzon: Manilla gives the best costumes in drag styling. Her puppet faces are great, but ONE TIME USE, so shes a little for the kiddies and straight people who only see her once and dont follow drag so thats why she isnt higher for me. Remember if youre top 25 youre iconic! Im just organizing MY VALUES here so its not about these queens abilities but more about MY PERSONAL AGENDA and how I would ORGANIZE WORLD VALUES should I be given the chance…. (echoing Skeletor laugh)
17. Latrice Royale: Latrice is the spirit of America. If you dont like Latrice YOU ARE ISIS. Watch her performance at the season finale where Violet wins, its sooo darn good. Id love to put her farther up but I cant because she only wears THE SAME PAIR OF SHOES with every look. Lady… lay out some coins stop “living poor”. The moment you spend the dough to move yourself forward YOU ACTUALLY MOVE FORWARD. Stop living in a world where you cant afford shoes, break out of that mindset where youre worried to spend a little cash because you might not have it. LIVE RICHLY…YOU CAN AFFORD SHOES. That said remember CREDIT IS NOT CASH BITCH, do NOT use a credit card pretend you have the fantasy of the security of wealth, but I KNOW you at least have 49.99 for a plus size pair of PLEASERS!
16. Katya. The first time I saw Katya I thought TOTAL FORMER COKE HEAD… and I was right. Thats not a read its just the vibes. I think shes very smart and funny and her finale “read ya” was the best of al of them BUT she got a TOTAL SWEETHEART EDIT BECAUSE ALASKA WAS SLAUGHTERING EVERYONE so they needed to make it seem at least a LITTLE like a competition (though detox was like on another level) but I REALLY dont like that FORCED self deprecation and FAKE NICE LAUGH she gives people ESPECIALLY Trixie.. Stop GIFTING her that reaction, we all see right through it! It comes off like less of a laugh and more of an APOLOGY for existing and you dont need to do it youre fierce, just stop. Before you get too big a head though I have to be a good person and let you know your finale look on All Stars was the THIRD worst look ever to go down the runway behind Serena and Cynthia. Don’t believe me???.. check out the hemline.
15 Jujubee: Out of all the queens I think if I had to spend an extended period of time with them Id choose Juju. Shes smart and funny and hopefully that would give me the opportunity to teach her about STYLING because she needs some help. Damn your looks are CHEAP woman. They sell Vogue at the GROCERY STORE!? Im not even asking for the far superior Italian Vogue, Im just saying SHITTY COMMERCIAL GROCERY STORE FASHION MAGAZINE VOGUE. Pick it up and then look at your clothes and figure out the difference. I actually think Juju might be the funniest queen even over Bianca. Shes certainly one of the smartest, and dont forget her library reading was really good.
14. Trinity K. Bonet: I imagine youre suprised at Trinity ranking so high up. Trinity is something I respect.. QUIET CONFIDENCE. Trinity was too damn well mannered to get as far as she should have in the competition and the reason why is Trinity K is the personality type I really respect who is someone who is QUIET and TALENTED. She lets her talents do the talking and unfortunately for good tv you cant just sit there and wait to slay on the runway, you have to have provide soundbytes and dramtic facial gestures for gifs etc. Trinity respectfully minded her own damn business and let her abilities do the talking and I REALLY like that. I went on that nightmarish drag cruise and hands down the best performance was Trinity it was about a ten minute Beyonce number and it was BETTER than Beyonce. It was FANTASTIC and im not even a Beyonce fan. I also think shes very beautiful and has a total Angela Basset quality to her which Im charmed by. Trinity was well mannered and polite and I kinda wanted to be her friend because someone like that benefits from someone like me who isnt afraid to maybe NOT be so polite should the rare occasion call for it. I guess Bianca kinda saw that too. I kinda think for some weird reason Im sweet on her because Tina Turner was my first concert at 8 years old, which I won the tickets to answering Tina Turner Triva on the radio, and that remeinds me of my mom who I went to the concert with and so therefor I want to protect this “good woman”.
13. Nina Flowers: Speaking of good women the next is Nina Flowers. I have NEVER heard ONE person say ONE bad thing about Nina and the multiple times Ive met her she is KIND AND LOVELY. Nina endured that entire CONFLAMA of SEASON 1 and DIDNT EVEN GET THE PALTRY 10k she deserved?! THEN Nina got CURSED with being paired with RAVING MAD WOMAN TAMMIE BROWN and ROLLED WITH IT without complaint. In fact if you watch All Stars 1 instead of complaining Nina handles her like a loving mother who has a RETARDED CHILD who YELLS A LOT. Speaking of YELLING RETARDED PEOPLE one time my husband and I were in Miami and we bought BAD PILLS (is there any other kind in Miami) and were TWACKED OUT ASSHOLES and ran into her and we COULD NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP and she was SO TOLERANT, AND SO NICE, AND SO UNBOTHERED that we almost wondered if we PASSED FOR SANE. Looking back WE DID NOT, Nina was just really nice. Nina is also a great Dj who really gets that CUNT FACTOR and makes for a great night out.
12 Miss Fame: Drag being an art form that relies so heavily on the magic of transformation being the best make up artist of all the queens certainly gets you TOP THREE placement. Too bad Miss Fame is the SECOND BEST MAKE UP ARTIST of Rupauls drag race. If this was a BIOLOGICAL female make-up challenge Fame would be the best, but DRAG MAKE UP is a VERY different art form. Fame had fantastic looks and a greatly appreciate her. I just wish the brains matched the visuals because theyre SO sharp. She really is the Linda of RPDR. Linda was my SECOND choice of the Supermodels, my first was Nadja so you can see where Im coming from. To me alien proportions and snowgress fantasies trump “classic fashion perfection”.
11. Chi Chi DeVayne : Chi Chi Devayne is THE SPIRIT OF DRAG. Chi chi is POOR AS FUCK and still managed to teach herself how to do BACKFLIPS IN HEELS. THERE IS NO REASON FOR ALL OF US NOT TO BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME BUT WE CANNOT! She is THE DRAG ASSASSIN. I respect her SO much. Imagine if she was given the same opportunities any of us in the North East of the United States were given?! When I was a little kid I wasnt rich either but I feel in North Eastern America you can receive a great education and you dont have to be wealthy at all. A good education is just kind of built into the psyche just like our PURITANICAL JUDGEMENT. I mean as a kid I grew up in a tiny single parent home next to a pond and it certainly wasnt GLAMOROUS but if I felt like it my 8 year old self could wander over to the neighbors house which was basically THE ADDAMS FAMILY MANSION to me which belonged to the professor who established the local community college and Id just sit there in his living room while he and his wife watched JULIA CHILD Id point at the random objects hed collected from around the world and ask “Whats that?!” and hed reply “That is a TURKISH BULLWHIP!” FIERCE?! ..with that information alone not only did I learn of exotic locations I never heard of I knew I TOO wanted to go there AND had the ability too. Something tells me being from Louisianna Chi Chi didnt have the opportunity to learn how to cook LONDON BROIL (I still remember Julia saying “Ooh this roast is SPITTING at me) while sitting in the dark at a baby grand piano while a Grandfather clock gonged in the background like these people did. It would be VERY EASY to be an angry bitter person coming from her situation and instead Chi Chi took it upon herself to excel to the best of her abilities and BOY HAS SHE. I feel Chi Chi was THE BEST when it came to Lipsynch for your life. All she needs is 12 months, a handful of those McDonalds gift certificates you got at Halloween, a stack of VHS tapes of STYLE with ELSA KLENSCH, 6 National Geographic magazines, and everyone dies. Chi Chi is FIERCE.
10 Chad Michaels: Being the number one Cher impersonator in the world gets you top ten placement forever. Its not debatable its DRAG LAW.
9.Tammie Brown: Tammie Brown is an UNCONTROLLABLE FORCE OF NATURE. Tammy is the SWIRLING POWER OF CHAOS. GRAVITY DECIDES TO LEAVE WHEN TAMMIE IS AROUND! Tammies superpower is that she holds no power unto her own but EVERYONE ELSES POWERS ARE RENDERED USELESS WHEN SHE WALKS IN THE ROOM. NO QUEEN has any power over Tammie and for THAT ALONE she gets top ten placement. Have you ever seen those crazy cat videos of cats reacting to people who throw a cucumber on the ground? If you havent, check them out, but in a nut shell cats are for some reason TOTALLY FREAKED OUT by a cucumber sitting on the ground. They go from acting relatively sane to COMPLETELY BIZARRE at the toss of a cucumber… well TAMMY IS THAT CUCUMBER.
8. Bianca Del Rio: Bianca is a hard working professional and a talent and Im glad we have her on “our” side as I cant think of any straight comedian who could beat her in a “read off”. She doesnt particularly check any of my boxes as what she is Im not super into but you cant deny her abilities. Shes the sharpest tack. My friend Bradford hired her for a dinner and it was fine and fun and all and as she was walking out the door my NUMB NUT husband brings up “but what about the movie youre making?” this of course lead her to go on about how shes raising money etc so then BRADFORD THE ASSHOLE makes everyone say how much theyre going to donate to her film putting me on the spot to donate 500 dollars to the fucking crappy movie?! It was well shot but UGH LADY wheres the funny? I paid FIVE HUNDRED GOD DAMN DOLLARS FOR THAT MOVIE?!?! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS….. FUCK…. thats TWO tickets to see CHER?!?!?!?
7.Sharon Needles: When Sharon first came out I BOUGHT IT, literally, I bought the t shirt which was secrelty packed as a GLITTER BOMB.. FUCKING CUNT…She really gave us hope and spoke to so many and was a creative and funny star. Shes a great talent who has done some amazing looks. Unfortunately shes become super sour and nasty and nobody wants to work with her and former fans are made uncomfortable to be around her. Sharon Needles is THE BEST DRAG QUEEN nobody wants to be around.
6. Violet Chachki: Im pretty sure Violet was trained by a SITH LORD or something. Shes CURIOUSLY YOUNG to be so professional and SO on point and just soooo good. God I hated the idiot RPDR fan base who talked shit about her simply because they couldnt relate to her because she was confident in her abilities. A wolf does NOT consult the sheep as to what to have for dinner!?! Im sorry but thats NOT something to make apologies for and its CERTAINLY not something you need to change. Nobody should have to dumb themselves down for the masses and Violet has not. She consistently DOMINATES THEM with her BITCH GODDESS self and Im SOOOO THANKFUL FOR THAT. This icy goddess holds the title for the number one AND number two AND number three best gowns on RPDR history. Dont go against Violet you WILL loose.
5. Alaska: Alaska broke all the rules by being HER OWN CREATURE. You cant pin down Alaska as one specific thing. Shes is an entity unto her own and that is so important to recognize. Shes also maybe the smartest queen of all of them. Her drag is a critique of drag itself which makes her a more evolved creature compared to “lesser” queens. Like all these top five shes really carved out PERSONALITY in her drag persona. Shes maybe made me laugh more than any other queen.The only “negative” I can think of is I dont like her interest in nails, seems like something India Ferra would be into. Its sorta weird that she named herself Alaska when the biggest gay icon in Spain and many other Spanish speaking nations is Alaska but shes from Pittsburg, not Madrid.
4. Alyssa Edwards: Oh fuck is Alyssa Edwards important! The DON KNOTSS of Drag Alyssa is sorta just like Texas from which she hails… BIG AND WEIRD THINKING AND despite being the essence of AMERICA its also ITS OWN ENTITY and by its own design is flawless and also VERY FLAWED! Remember when ALyssa first started and she was mean and people did not like her?! This is important to recognize because Alyssa HOOKED US with a very special chemistry of herself as a real person and this SWIRLY KOOKOO TOWN that her psyche exists in where shes the MAYOR, THE RICHEST LADY, THE NOSEY NEIGHBOR, AND THE BEAUTY QUEEN! Shes all those things and we get to see them all exist in every gesture. The gif of her negotiating a sip on an extra long straw was just as responsible for us falling in love with her as was her UNSELFAWARNESS (is that a word?) upon the HARD REVEAL of her BACKROLLS. Those lips and eyes are insanely MAGNETIC but all of it would be only half as magnetic if we didnt know what a LOOSEY GOOSEY she is?! You KNOW that Alyssa PERFORMS FOR NOBODY when shes by herself…. OFTEN.
Alyssa I think is the only queen Ive ever hired and she got out of a cab by herself in FULL DRAG wearing like a TEDDY and a SHEER DRESSING GOWN and walked down the street in broad daylight asking my assistant if the MEXICAN RESTAURANT ON THE CORNER was where she was PERFORMING?!?! Alyssas personal styling is: “Dress, not particularly expensive shoe, AND PIECE OF THING ON HER HEAD- but NOT a complete thing on her head just a PART of something on her head! Its the VAGUE ALLUSION that this is part of MAYBE SOMETHING GREATER, or maybe shes been to SPAIN, or maybe she shoplifts at CLAIRES BOUTIQUE?!
Alyssa is an America treasure!
3. Raven: Raven is JEALOUS BEAUTY. RAVEN IS EVERY FIERCE VILLAINESS THAT EVER EXISTED. Raven VERY EASILY could be my number one BUT IM LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF and Im not going to SIT HERE and WAIT to be loved by someone I adore as they DENY MY EXISTENCE simply because THEY THEMSELVES are incapable of being loved. I already DID THAT SHOW its called ME AND MY DAD and thanks but over a lifetime as a child I sat there on the couch waiting for him to show up, which he often DID NOT, as I hoped that MAGICALLY ONE DAY this person you adore is suddenly going to take interest in you. GUESS WHAT… IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN!!! I might love Raven but RAVEN CANT LOVE BACK and instead of being MAD (like I was for a lifetime with my own dad) Im going to recognize that I dont hate this person at all, in fact this VILLAIN is a HERO to me and though I wish theyd be capable of liking me back theyre NOT and THATS OK. Im not the bad guy for that, and neither is Raven, and neither is my dad. Its something they cant do and MAYBE someday they will and if so THATS GREAT but until then Im gonna love myself and put interest in people who reciprocate my feelings.This all may sound like I had some kind of ACTUAL relationsship with Raven WHICH I HAVE NOT but Ravens entire DRAG CONCEPT HER VERY DRAG BEING is that story line to me. The even more twisted part is we love Raven BECAUSE shes cruel?!?! I think shes TREMENDOUS! Raven is THE EVIL QUEEN from Snow White, shes Alexis from Dynasty, shes Katra from She-ra. Raven IS jealous beauty. Raven is a cruel and powerful goddess and I LIVE for her. We have tried SO MANY times to hire her and it falls on dead ears. Shes cannot be bothered. She needs to GET BOTHERED because the reason why shes not an All Star is because she cant be. I mean I think its really because shes had a couple DUIs and theres no way a liquor company was gonna give 100k to a person who has 2 DUIS but you know what I mean….
Raven is also THE BEST DRAG MAKEUP ARTIST. All these future queens stand on Ravens trompe l’oeil bone structure. Ravens one word comments on fashion photo Ruview make me HOWL. Ravens astute observations are as sharp as her nose contour. Raven has the teeniest room for evolution spiritually I think JUST A TEENY BIT, like DONT CHANGE, but MAYBE get a LITTLE kind and Raven will be my number one and OH GOD I want her to be number one SO BAD.
2. Raja. Ok, now Im back to sitting on my tiny clear desk chair like a Gargoyle because its THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUEENS?!!?!? VERY SIMPLY without Raja Rupauls Drag Race would be MEXICAN TELEVISION! The show would be an FAR less elevated and be a GOOPEY SUNDAE of WIGS AND BOOBS AND WELL WORN DRESSES THAT SMELL LIKE B.O and ANGEL! Raja brings in references that lift the entire competition UP. Alyssa is Cosmopolitan but Raja is ITALIAN VOGUE AND NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. Shes still the best runway walker of all the queens which is like MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING. In her single season she gave us gold robot, amazon tribes person, Marie Antoinette, and when she walked in first episode it was the most obvious time someone was CLEARLY the winner from MINUTE ONE.
Raja is the PUBLIC TELEVISION OF DRAG RACE! A FUNDAMENTAL NECESSITY to the CLASS LEVEL of Rupauls Drag Race and without her the floor would drop out. LETS IMAGINE AN AFRICAN WATERING HOLE with baboons squeeling, zebras making their weirdo sounds that you would never expect to come from a horse, hippos eating, hyenas laughing and all of a sudden the GIRAFFE enters the scene and everyone SHUTS UP AND STARES… Well RAJA IS THAT GIRAFFE… and yes Shangela and Yarra Sofia are the babbons. We need LESS BABOONS and MORE GIRAFFES. If I HAD to make a negative critque Id say Id just like to see LESS POT and WINE references on her facebook page because when I read that I think she might be mildly depressed and I dont want that from this creative talent whom I adore!
1. Detox. DETOX IS CHARISMA. Detox IS the MUGLER woman. Thierry Mugler is what saved me in college. Mugler is clearly what has saved Detox as well. The first time I saw Thierry Muglers work was at a newsstand in VALENCIA CALIFORNIA at CalArts and his robot suit was on the cover of STERN magazine and I grabbed it, and some suburban TWAT MOM shot me side eye because the robot suit shows nipple and of course she disapproved that because she was JUDGEY UNTRAVELED TRASH. I looked inside at his work and I thought I WANT TO BE WHERE THESE PEOPLE EXIST?!?!? I actually brought the magazine to my mentor and said “I NEED TO BE HERE.” Well Detox takes me to that place! I can relate to Detox. Were really similar in many ways, both of us have tried to manefest that Mugler construct as best as possible and through ANY means necessary. If Raven is the Evil Queen from Disneys Snow White, Detox is Maleficent! Both are SO MAJOR how do you pick?! Well I will tell you how! Remember how in my Raven rant I was saying I was going to learn to love myself well putting Detox first is learning to love myself! Why?! Because Detox is the EVIL QUEEN who MAKES GOOD. When Alvaro offered to pay both Detox and Raven to send me a little happy 40th birthday message Raven didnt respond, and DETOX DID and REFUSED TO TAKE MONEY. You know when Skeletor feels the spirit of Christmas in the Heman Christmas special?? Well SKELETOR DETOX. Shes the VILLAIN we all love with A HEART thats open to be loved. Detox is the DAD WHO SHOWS UP.
Detox takes great measures to embody the values that mean so much to me. Its actually HARD to be this GOOD. She is SOFT AS NAILS but you still wanna FUCK HER?! She had TREMENDOUS sex appeal without being soft, amazing style without being trend driven, and shes a bitch goddess without being bitter. Detox is number one, Detox is the good mommy.

Anon Request: Reader gets a close call on the battle field that shakes them up bad enough for nightmares to start, how do Lucio, McCree, and/or Reaper help them through a bad night?

Here you go, anon! I hope you like this! If you have any questions, message me.


Lúcio:

Time came to a halt as the sniper pulled her trigger, a smirk at the corner of her mouth. A bullet sliced through the thick air, speeding toward you. You were battling the Talon agents, bringing one down after the other, and you hadn’t heard her fire her gun. Someone screamed, but you assumed it had something to do with someone else.

Pain flared up in your side, and you cried out, hitting the ground hard. Whimpering, you covered your neck with your hand, curling your knees to your chest. You vision was slowly turning black, hands rushing to grab you. Someone called your name, and you saw a flash of green, your boyfriend staring down at you.

“Please, don’t die. You can’t die,” he whispered, tears in his eyes.

“I’m…I’m s-so so-sorry.”

Your breath caught as you shot up from the bed, sweat drenching your face and body. Tears were falling before you could calm yourself, and you swept a hand through your damp hair. Glancing toward the floor, you saw Lúcio sitting cross-legged on the carpet, headphones covering his ears. Bobbing his head, he was moving to the music that you could faintly hear. You crawled out from underneath the bedsheets and shuffled toward him, stepping into his line of sight.

When he saw you awake, he yanked the headphones down and smiled until he saw the fear in your eyes.

“What’s wrong, babe?” He asked, rising from the floor.

“I-I…it happened again,” you whispered. He was across the room and holding you in his arms, swaying slightly as he pulled you toward where he had been sitting. He plopped down and tugged you onto his lap, snatching the headphones off the floor. With a wide smile, Lúcio slipped them over your ears and switched the volume up.

A soothing song danced through your head, a melody you hadn’t heard yet. It seemed to twist around your nerves, relaxing the tension your nightmares had caused. You leaned into him, and he hooked his arms around you and pressed a kiss to your cheek, humming quietly. He was so warm, and the music was beginning to lull you to sleep. When the song ended, you let the headphones fall around your neck, and you glanced back at him.

“Thank you,” you said.

“Of course, babe. Don’t be afraid to talk to me about this. I’m here for you each and every day,” Lúcio said with a faint smile, “Did you like that? I made it for you.”

You nodded, and he pressed a kiss to your forehead, cradling you in his lap.

McCree:

The hammer came down, and you stumbled back, staring up at your attacker. You didn’t recognize them as you scrambled across the ground, kicking up clouds of dust and rocks. It slammed down between your legs, and you shrieked, feeling your stomach drop. You had stood when the hammer collided with your leg, sending you flying across the ground.

Your vision was filled with black dots, and you whimpered as you glanced down at your twisted leg. It was a gruesome sight, and you knew it wouldn’t heal properly if it healed at all. Lifting your head, you saw the hammer in your line of sight, and you realized you were going to die here. Trembling, you pressed against the wall and shook your head, tears spilling down your cheeks.

Before your attacker could end your life, a gun was fired, and you turned your head. You saw McCree in the distance, rushing toward you. He was breathing heavily when he brought down the enemy, jogging to your side a moment later. You felt his hands on you as he assessed the damage, speaking words you couldn’t understand.

“I got ya, darlin’. I got ya,” he whispered.

Someone was shaking you, and you opened your eyes, staring up at McCree. He brushed his hand through your hair, trying to soothe you.

“I got ya, darlin’. Breathe. Ya gotta breathe,” the cowboy said, “I got ya.”

You were shaking as he pulled you into his arms, rocking you gently. You were terribly aware of your missing leg, the stump where it once was throbbing as if it was still there.

“Once upon a time, there was a handsome cowboy livin’ in the city. He met the most beautiful of peasants and soon fell in love with ‘em.”

You glanced up at your boyfriend, seeing the smile on his lips.

“What’re you doing?” You asked.

“Makin’ ya feel better, sugar,” he whispered, “Now, this cowboy didn’t have much to his name, but he promised this peasant that he would win their heart. He did everythin’ he could until he believed there was no chance. Then this wonderful peasant came to his home and confessed their love to him. They married quickly and rode into the sunset on the back of a might horse.”

You had focused so much on his story, and you had forgotten all about your nightmare. Smiling, you pressed a kiss to his cheek and sighed.

“That was a wonderful story, Jesse,” you said, “Thank you.”

“Course, sweetpea. I can come up with more if ya need it. I’m a master wordsmith.”

“You’re a master something.”

Reaper:

The building was crumbling all around you, and you were trapped beneath a fallen pillar. Reaching out, you struggled to crawl out from underneath it, listening for the weaknesses in the concrete. Debris fluttered all around you, clattering against the ground. You whimpered as the weight of the pillar pressed against your legs, your palms flattened against the ground.

“Help!” You called out, knowing no one could hear you.

You lifted your head as the building collapsed, chunks of concrete falling toward you. A scream ripped from your throat as the shadows consumed you, your life torn from your body.

You woke up on the floor of your room, blankets tangled around your legs. You hadn’t realized you had been screaming until a black smoke flooded the room. Your body was yanked from the ground and held against a hard body, clawed hands digging into your arms.

“Stop screaming. You’re not in danger,” Reaper hissed, placing you on the edge of the mattress, “Stop screaming.”

His words were doing everything but helping. Ripping away from his grip, you scrambled across the mattress and crawled back, curling your knees against your chest. He muttered something in Spanish and climbed onto the bed, awkwardly taking you into his arms. Reaper removed his gloves and set them aside, taking your face in his hands. At some point, he had torn off his mask, and smoke billowed out from his mouth.

“You’re alive, Y/N. You weren’t crushed by that building. You are fine. Now, take a breath,” he said.

You were shaking, but your screaming had stopped. Your lungs burned as you took in sharp breaths, feeling them slow until you were calm. He stared down at you, his gaze hard. However, as you continued to look up at him, you saw the worry in those dark depths.

“Are you alright?” He asked.

After a moment, you nodded, tears dripping down your cheeks. You felt him wipe them away, his hands resting on your shoulders.

“Where did you go?” You asked, your voice cracking.

“I was needed. That doesn’t matter right now.” Reaper leaned back and watched your face, checking for any signs of stress or relapse.

“T-thank you, Reaper. I’m sorry fo—“

“Don’t apologize, Y/N. I understand more than you realize.”

anonymous asked:

Caesar is probably the hottest old man in existence, and I'm really sorry to tell you that it'd be objective if his lovability was in direct violation of the ICC or the Geneva Convention. "What a fucking waste of time" I heard him spit that like pure gospel and I still hear it as if it were a chronological cowboy; riding into the future where it doesn't belong to rustle up my present day thoughts. What a fucking waste of time. Ave.

ave