if i had the courage

And I like to believe there is an alternate universe out there where we didn’t end like this. We didn’t resort to tongues dripping poison and words we could never take back. You didn’t leave and I didn’t slam the door behind you. Or maybe you did walk out but I had the courage to chase you. We went back inside and found a way to make things work. I picture us in this alternate reality and my bed isn’t so cold and I don’t feel so alone. I have you to come home to and my dreams aren’t haunted by the ghost of what could have been. You never took a piece of me as you walked away and I am whole.
—  f.a.w
Oscar Wilde quotes that remind me of Black Butler

“It often happens that the real tragedies of life occur in such
an inartistic manner that they hurt us by their crude violence, their
absolute incoherence, their absurd want of meaning, their entire lack
of style…We watch ourselves, and the mere wonder
of the spectacle enthralls us.” — The Picture of Dorian Gray


Sebastian Michaelis: “You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”

Our!Ciel: “His sins, if there are such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo in someone else’s music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him.”

Real!Ciel: “Is insincerity such a terrible thing? I think not. It is merely a method by which we can multiply our personalities.”

Elizabeth Midford: “The world is changed because you are made of ivory and gold. The curves of your lips rewrite history.”

Undertaker: “When I like people immensely I never tell their names to anyone. It is like surrendering a part of them. I have grown to love secrecy.”

Vincent Phantomhive: “Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.”

Grell Sutcliff: “I want to make Romeo jealous. I want the dead lovers of the world to hear our laughter, and grow sad. I want a breath of our passion to stir dust into consciousness, to wake their ashes into pain.”

Madam Red: “When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.”

I wish meeting girls in real life was as easy as it is for heterosexuals. I want to go into a coffee shop and write my number on a napkin without it being weird. I want to bump into someone on the street by accident and it be love at first sight. This internet culture gives me the green light when it comes to sexuality. Profiles tell me which females are gay. I wish I had the courage to effortlessly flirt. I wish I could go into a normal public space and pick up a girl. I have to travel a distance to a gay bar just to find someone similar to me while my friends get to go almost anywhere. I’m sick of staring at a phone when I just want to connect with another human being in the flesh.

Sasako…wearing glasses…

vincent van gogh words for the signs
  • *check sun and moon
  • aries: what would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?
  • taurus: and then, I have nature and art and poetry, and if that is not enough, what is enough?
  • gemini: that is how I look at it; to continue, to continue, that is what is necessary
  • cancer: whoever loves much, performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well
  • leo: a great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke
  • virgo: great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together
  • libra: there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people
  • scorpio: I take great care of myself by carefully shutting myself away
  • sagittarius: I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart
  • capricorn: I put my heart and soul into my work, and I have lost my mind in the process
  • aquarius: normality is a paved road: it’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it
  • pisces: be clearly aware of the stars and infinity on high. then life seems almost enchanted after all

“She was my first crush as a kid. We were in the same class together, and she sat by the window, so I’d always pretend that I was staring at the tree outside. But I never had the courage to talk to her. I was extremely shy. Then over the summer I went to her twelfth birthday party at a water park. She walked up to me with her entourage of friends, and said: ‘I liked you all year. But you never talked to me. And now I’m going to another school and you’re never going to see me again!’ I was so scared that I couldn’t talk. That moment was such a small thing for her– she doesn’t even remember it. But I was completely traumatized.”

(Buenos Aires, Argentina)

Can I just say how intensely proud I am of Shia LaBeouf for taking all the crap, all the criticism and abuse, from the media, from the legal system, from FUCKING NAZIS, that he does and still getting the fuck back up again. He’s not a perfect person obviously, but he is a good one and I wish I had even half his courage and fortitude. He astonishes me and I love and support him and his message.

Hi guys! Here’s a little masterpost of quotes from children’s books that you can use in your bullet journal, or anywhere else you feel like!

THE LITTLE PRINCE (ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPÉRY)

  • “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
  • “The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.”
  • “You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed.” 
  • “You - you alone will have the stars as no one else has them…In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night…You - only you - will have stars that can laugh.”
  • “Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them”
  • “A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.” 

A LITTLE PRINCESS (FRANCES HODGSON BURNETT)

  • “If I am a princess in rags and tatters, I can be a princess inside. It would be easy to be a princess if I were dressed in cloth of gold, but it is a great deal more of a triumph to be one all the time when no one knows it.”
  • “When you will not fly into a passion people know you are stronger than they are, because you are strong enough to hold in your rage, and they are not, and they say stupid things they wish they hadn’t said afterward. “
  • “There’s nothing so strong as rage, except what makes you hold it in–that’s stronger. It’s a good thing not to answer your enemies.”
  • “If nature has made you for a giver, your hands are born open, and so is your heart; and though there may be times when your hands are empty, your heart is always full, and you can give things out of that–warm things, kind things, sweet things–help and comfort and laughter–and sometimes gay, kind laughter is the best help of all.”
  • “Somehow, something always happens just before things get to the very worst. It is as if Magic did it. If I could only just remember that always. The worse thing never quite comes.”
  • “But I suppose there might be good in things, even if we don’t see it.”
  • “You don’t forget, but you bear it better.” 

LITTLE WOMEN (LOUISA MAY ALCOTT)

  • “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.”
  • “It’s wicked to throw away so many good gifts because you can’t have the one you want.”
  • “Love is a great beautifier.” 
  • “Watch and pray, dear, never get tired of trying, and never think it is impossible to conquer your fault.”
  • “I want to do something splendid…something heroic or wonderful that won’t be forgotten after I’m dead. I don’t know what, but I’m on the watch for it and mean to astonish you all someday.” 
  • “Conceit spoils the finest genius.” 
  • “Be comforted, dear soul! There is always light behind the clouds.”
  • “Life and love are very precious when both are in full bloom.”
  • “The only chivalry worth having is that which is the readiest to to pay deference to the old, protect the feeble, and serve womankind, regardless of rank, age, or color.”
  • “Books are always good company if you have the right sort.”
  • “The humblest tasks get beautified if loving hands do them.”
  • “Now and then, in this workaday world, things do happen in the delightful storybook fashion, and what a comfort that is.”

MATLIDA (ROALD DAHL)

  • “So Matilda’s strong young mind continued to grow, nurtured by the voices of all those authors who had sent their books out into the world like ships on the sea. These books gave Matilda a hopeful and comforting message: You are not alone.” 
  • “Never do anything by halves if you want to get away with it. Be outrageous. Go the whole hog. Make sure everything you do is so completely crazy it’s unbelievable…” 
  • “I have found it impossible to talk to anyone about my problems. I couldn’t face the embarrassment, and anyway I lack the courage. Any courage I had was knocked out of me when I was young. But now, all of sudden I have a sort of desperate wish to tell everything to somebody.”
  • “I’ve always said to myself that if a little pocket calculator can do it why shouldn’t I?”
  • “There is little point in teaching anything backwards. The whole object of life, Headmistress, is to go forwards.”
  • “I’m afraid men are not always quite as clever as they think they are.”

THE PHANTOM TOLLBOOTH (NORTON JUSTER)

  • “So many things are possible just as long as you don’t know they’re impossible.”
  • “Have you ever heard the wonderful silence just before the dawn? Or the quiet and calm just as a storm ends? Or perhaps you know the silence when you haven’t the answer to a question you’ve been asked, or the hush of a country road at night, or the expectant pause of a room full of people when someone is just about to speak, or, most beautiful of all, the moment after the door closes and you’re alone in the whole house? Each one is different, you know, and all very beautiful if you listen carefully.”
  • “Time is a gift, given to you, given to give you the time you need, the time you need to have the time of your life. ”
  • “You must never feel badly about making mistakes … as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.”
  • “The most important reason for going from one place to another is to see what’s in between.”
  • “What you can do is often simply a matter of what you will do.”
  • “What you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover all the wonderful secrets of tomorrow.”
  • “Whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way.”

THE GOLDEN COMPASS (PHILIP PULLMAN)

  • “You cannot change what you are, only what you do.”
  • “We are all subject to the fates. But we must act as if we are not, or die of despair.”
  • “Every opportunity will come again.”

“I asked her out during a movie.  I was really nervous, so I executed with about half the talent level that I could have. I accidentally swallowed some cologne in the bathroom because I tried to open the packet with my mouth.  Then I never actually had the courage to ask the question.  I waited until there was a scene in the movie with a boyfriend and girlfriend, and I said: ‘That could be us.’  It felt good coming out of my mouth.  But then I looked over and saw confusion.  But I rode out the awkward silence, and eventually she figured it out.”

I wish I can love you. I can love you without anyone blocking my way—without any bridges slowly breaking in between us. I wish I can love you, without being nervous—without having the fear of you not loving me back. I wish we’re reading the same page. Where you and I have agreed and hoped for the same thing. I wish it could be as smooth as water and as beautiful as something we’ve never seen before. I wish to have these feelings for you would be easy, simple and not complicated as it is now. I just wish for things to be in our favor, but things were not. You were not. That I guess I’m walking on a lost street where you can’t see me. It seems that I am alone in this world of feelings—a place where my heart had brought me. I hope that someday, I’ll be courageous enough to let these feelings go. I wish that someday, I can move forward without hoping that you’re just right there at my back.
—  ma.c.a // I wish you feel the same way
The Signs as Oscar Wilde Quotes

AriesThere are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

TaurusWhen I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

Gemini: My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people’s.

CancerThe heart was made to be broken.

LeoThere is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Virgo: The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

Libra: Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.

ScorpioYou will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.

SagittariusTo live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. 

CapricornYou can never be overdressed or overeducated.

AquariusGenius is born—not paid.

PiscesYes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

1. I wasn’t in love with you anymore, but god, this knocked the wind out of me.

2. You were just here.

3. You were just here.

4. Do you remember? The frozen food pressed to your shoulder, the way you shook with the knowledge of a barely avoided death?

5. My mouth. Yours.

6. I had been struggling with my old poems about you. You know, you were the first one I ever wrote. I had some questions for you, Cleveland. I suppose I don’t have them anymore.

7. It isn’t even seeing you kiss her that’s the problem. It’s that you share a table.

8. Maybe “wife” bothers me, too. I know how that word sounds, coming from you. Remember? Those long drives? Perhaps I still exist as your heart when you hit the road.

9. You still exist as mine when I hit the words.

10. I couldn’t read them aloud anymore, the poems. That old pain. It didn’t exist. We had chased it away with chocolate and cherries. Still, you occupy a shelf in the bright. In the cold .

11. You always have been impossibly careless with my heart. With my new lives, all of them.

12. There’s a Smiths song – if you were reading my texts I would send you it – it goes: and I’m not happy / and I’m not sad. I’m not sad, seeing you happy. She looks as full of light as I used to when you kissed me. I am glad for her. I know what you have to give.

13. It’s the loss of our friendship. More a removal. A reopened scar, from the last time. Remember, how we were friends? We’ve been so good at it. I can’t believe you won’t hear from me now. I couldn’t believe you wouldn’t hear from me, then. You know the words. 

14. I just wanted to wish you well. I just. I just wanted to be what I always have been. Yours, in whatever form we decide.

15. Nearly two years since we met and you still find new ways to let me down. I think it impresses me more than it wounds.

16. You told me all about her, remember? We discovered we had both loved ghosts, since the last time you cried on my couch. Do you remember? The things that we allow to haunt us take root in the end. I need to change my sheets.

17. I wonder if I am the ghost now. The woman you never had the courage to keep. Do I haunt you, darling? I can hear your voice saying yes. Feel the reach of your arms as I spin out of them, laughing. Do I echo?

18. You kissed me like you used to, the last time. You will again, the next. You always do.

19. In a poem I never got the chance to read you, I said that you exist suspended in time. In flashes of white sheets. Bathed in orange light on the Golden Gate Bridge. Spinning me around on a cold February evening. One year ago today.

20. One year ago today, you laid next to me. We cried about something that doesn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter then, either.

21. Do you remember the words? Of that last song at what we thought was the last breakfast. You sat me on your knee.

22. Your hands shook as you held me tight. I put my lips to your ear. Do you remember? The words. Say them with me.

23. In my own sick way / I’ll always stay true to you.

—  Upon Seeing Your New Girlfriend For The First Time. Charlotte Ford.
3

Summary:

Peter gets bullied in school and they all say that he could never get a girlfriend, so Y/N who’s rather popular at school just kisses him in front of every one.

Words: ~ 1500

No spoilers!

A/N: This took me way too long to write… so sorry! Tell me what you think! :)

×××

Walking through the overcrowded hallway, I felt myself being to tired to move and bumped against several people. Not that I cared.

Normally I didn’t care about much going on in school, referring to the people. I did care about my grades and my career and all- but the people in school? I didn’t care at all about them apart from my friends.

It’s not that I didn’t like them. I mean, I was quite popular in school and I talked to a lot of students over the day. But honestly, I didn’t really listen when they told me about the last party or a concert they went to.

But there was one person that I cared about who wasn’t part of my friends even though I hoped I would have more contact with him. Body contact, too.

It was Peter Parker, the nobody of our school. No one seemed to notice him apart from me. His gorgeous face with the sweet hazel eyes and the fluffy auburn hair…
Yes, he was my secret crush that nobody knew about and nobody ever would.

I kept my little secret a long time, talking to him occasionally or having school projects together which lead to me falling in love with him.

He was so clever and his shy side was so cute that I just couldn’t handle it. I loved how kind he was and he always had something interesting to ramble about.

Nothing caught my attention while walking through the hall way, apart from him. I saw him standing at his locker, opening it to put a book inside. Me and my friends stopped at my best friend’s locker and I occasionally let my gaze slip to Peter for a few seconds.

I jumped when Flash and his friends appeared out of nowhere and pushed Peter against his locker after he had closed it. “What a looser you are!”, Flash exclaimed after Peter groaned loadly, getting everyone’s attention.

“Sorry to ruin your face but with these looks you won’t get a girlfriend, anyway.”, Flash claimed and his friends laughed at this comment before he pushed Peter again.
And Peter only stood there, head down, shoulders stiff while Flash threw several mean words at him.

But when Flash grabbed Peter’s backpack from his hands Peter looked up, his face filled with anger as Flash started throwing all of his stuff on the ground.
“Oh, what’s this?”, Flash exclaimed when he took a piece of paper from the ground. “DEAR Y/N, I wish i had the courage to tell you that I’d walk through fire just to see you smile…”, he started to read and I saw everyone’s eyes stare at me, making my face heat up.

I unconsciously made eye contact with Peter who seemed to be internally screaming. And while I was glued to the spot, not able to speak or think, Flash continued bullying him.

“But you do know”, he laughed, “You do know that someone like Y/N Y/L/N would never love you, right?” Oh, boy, how wrong you were…
I saw Peter’s head lowering again, his fingers brushing over his face before they ran through his hair.
Flash laughed triumphantly and suddenly I felt the strong urge to prove a point.

Someone like Y/N Y/L/N would definitely love Peter Parker.

My legs brought myself over to them, even though my friend’s arm grabbed me slightly. But I ignored it and shoved Flash ’s friends aside so that I could get to Peter.

“Peter, you told me you wouldn’t drag this old thing with you.”, I laughed, rolling my eyes and earning a very confused and very cute look from Peter.
“See? I told you that someone would think that you’re single.”

In the corner of my eye I saw Flash looking at me as confused as Peter and I smiled to myself.
And then I laid my hands on his shoulders and leaned in quickly, pressing my lips on his.

Ignoring the electricity coming from him and the urge to kiss him forever, I pulled back after a few seconds of giving in.

Peter’s face stated pure shock and he stared at me nervously before I smirked at him. “Bye, Peter, see you later.”, I smiled proudly, wandering off to my next class and ignoring everyone’s dazzled looks.

I let out a shaky breath I didn’t know I was holding. This had been life changing.

“Wait, Y/N, what the hell was that?”, my friend wanted to know, a strange look on her face.
“Spontaneous.”, I only answered, shrugging. “Yeah, I know. But what were you thinking?”, she asked and now there was a worried look that made me angry somehow. It seemed like she thinks something is wrong with me just because I kissed my crush. Okay, secrete crush. She couldn’t know this part.

“Nothing really. I just thought that Flash is a dick and Peter doesn’t deserve this.”, I simply said and only got a confused “Okay…” as an answer.

Later that day I sat down at a bench outside, my eyes roaming over the campus. I enjoyed being alone at lunch. Not because of my friends! I simply enjoyed the time to think without talking slash gossiping.

I thought about the kiss, obviously.

Was it right? Apart from the fact that probably the whole school knew it by now, Peter knew too.

But still, I was proud of myself: Helping someone by proving his bully wrong. Somehow it made me feel strong.

And there was another positive aspect, as well. I had kissed my crush Peter Parker!

Thinking of the devil… Peter suddenly stood next to me, a nervous grin on his face.
“Can… uh… Can I join you?”, he chuckled, nodding his head towards the empty seat in front of me. “Sure.”, I nodded, a smile on my face which was maybe a bit too wide.

He let out a relieved sigh as he sat down, letting his bag fall on to the ground.
“Rough day?”, I asked and he only nodded before he leaned forward slightly, his arms supporting his weight.

“Uhm, yeah.”, he replied before biting his lip, my eyes not being able to look at something else but him.
“Actually, it wasn’t that bad.”, he chuckled softly, his brown eyes meeting mine.

“Yeah?”, I grinned and he just nodded with a cute smile on his lips. Oh, how soft those lips had felt on mine…

A few moments of comfortable silence passed before my mind brought back the letter that Flash found in Peter’s backpack.
“Uhm, Peter…”, I started but paused briefly when his beautiful eyes stared at me, “I was wondering… I mean… would you… Would you really walk through fire to see me smile?”
He nodded instantly without a word, nervously fiddling with his fingers before my hands grabbed his. I couldn’t help but smile, my heart beat running in my chest.
“You know, you don’t need to do this. I start smiling as soon as you smile at me.”, I clarified, earning a grin from him and I returned it instinctively.

“Uh, I… um, I wanted to thank you for… you know.”, he began and I only shrugged, playing it cool,“No problem.”
“But the whole school thinks were a couple now.”
“Is that bad?”, I wanted to know, a flirty tone in my voice.

Peter shook his head, causing his brown strands to dance on his fore head. “No, it’s not bad at all.” He clearly gained some confidence when I grinned at his answer. “I liked kissing you.”, he confessed, tilting his head. “No, that’s an understatement. I loved kissing you.”

“That’s good.”, I laughed before grabbed the collar of his shirt and nearly pulled him over the table to feel his soft lips on mine again.

He was able to place his fore arms on the table to support his weight before our eyes closed and our lips met. He hummed softly when I started moving my lips and my grib on his collar loosened since I had him where I wanted. My cheeks blushed due to all to blood that my heart pumped through my veins and I felt the excitement rushing through my whole body.
My fingers wandered up to the back of his neck, playing with some of his strands after Peter tilted his head to deepen the kiss, causing my mind to go mushy.

He pulled himself back slightly, a huge grin on his face when I ran my fingers through his hair. “You like me.”, he breathed out and I nodded before I pecked his lips briefly.

He leaned back again, giving me a charming smile. I had to bite my lip to hid that huge smile on my face which Peter saw anyway and I felt my heart skipping a beat.

This one question wether I wanted to be Peter’s girlfriend was definitely in his head but there was no need to voice it.

He knew that I was in love with him.