this was meant to stop the endless pining over loves that never were and never will be the longing for a secure arm around my waist or a gentle kiss to my cheek there to make me feel needed wanted loved
the dreams I once had for us are gone I look at you now and all i’m left with is a bitter taste where you lips left mine
“I-Is this the part you pull my pants down and laugh at me?” He asked, walking around the car he wasn’t sure if they stole or just ‘borrowed’ from a friend of hers. This wasn’t exactly something he was used to. His mom usually had him on a leash but for some reason today she felt the need to be somewhere else so he was, for once in a life, free as a bird and the first thing he thought to do was finally ask the girl he couldn’t stop thinking about out for coffee. He was expecting to be laughed off not to be taken on a joy ride in someone else’s car and find himself overlooking the city from somewhere and watching her look at him like she could actually see him. “Or is this actually a date thing you do with guys?”
They say before you die your life flashes before your eyes. I’ve never experienced such a consequence, but if I had to…there are a couple of memories I know would arise in that very final moment. Days you don’t forget, no matter the centuries. The day I felt rain for the first time. The day I lost my first child. The day I told Cadence I loved her.
The day I said goodbye to my human life, and everyone in it.
Women had a lot before Christianity took over. Property could be earned. Being a widow didn’t mean you couldn’t marry again, but it did mean you had very little chance of remarrying. I was proposed to three times in my human life. The first, before I realized I couldn’t have children. The second, before the whole village realized I couldn’t have children.
When I was turned by Patryk, it was understood that to live forever meant to live with him forever. We promised this for weeks before.
I would be with him…forever.
He used to say that the hunger in my eyes was the first thing that made him fall in love with me. The questions, the imagination, the desire. What was in my eyes was unlike any woman’s he’d seen before. So when I confessed I couldn’t give him children, that I couldn’t make him a happy man, he resented me for it. Patryk was already a happy man. Or rather, a happy…something. I fell in love with that something, and when he realized we were destined for each other, and I thought there could never be anyone better than him, I gave away a fertility I didn’t have, and a heart I didn’t want for myself anymore.
Transition has always been considered a dirty thing, especially amongst other species. For wolves it means broken bones every full moon. For vampires it means choosing between death or a life full of it on their hands. For xcubi…
…it means letting desire be the only thing you know,
stronger than even your own free will…
It’s overwhelming to most, terrifying. But the morning after I turned, there was no transition to be had. There was no transfer from one skin to another. It felt, instead, as though I had shed every disguise I’ve ever worn. I was in control of my desire. When I tried to tell my lover this, he reminded me that I was in a state of change. That I was talking nonsense. That the desire was overwhelming me as it did him the first time he woke. Well, his assurances fell upon deaf ears.
I knew then that I hadn’t fallen in love with him at all.
I fell in love with something in him.
The promise of everything.
No matter the cost.
He was the first heart I broke, and I haven’t looked back ever since. My family understood. At least…they would in time. My brothers argued someone should come with me to wherever it was I wanted to go, whatever neighboring village, but my mother knew from the start; My mother knew before all of them I would not be coming back. When my father realized it too, he did what any viking would do for their daughter: He let her go. If getting eaten by wolves was a lesson I needed to be taught, then so be it.
What they didn’t understand was that I was the wolf.