am i less because i only speak english
am i less authentic, less worthy of community, if i only have ~one word for love~
But I feel invisible strings tying me to people halfway around the world. And though I forget how you are related to me, I care about you so much. And I think so often about how I’m not going to get to see my only baby cousins growing up because we’re separated by an ocean. I remember being so, so happy when I knew they were going to be born - finally, cousins on my mother’s side! I can only hope that my few days with them two years ago leaves some good memory; maybe the oldest will remember me next time we see each other.And though I haven’t spoken to my paternal grandmother in ages and ages, I think about my grandparents often and their life and and and. And I insist we go to Tapioca Express after coming back from Universal Studios at night because we weren’t able to take my little brother with us so we should at least get him something. And I wish I could go to my cousin, older than me by only one day; I wish I could ask her what went wrong. And I will spend dollars and time and take trains and buses and even airplanes for amazing people in my life. I have missed trains and waited at stations and taken bus adventures. I will meet you halfway. I have held a best friend’s hand after she cried during Adoration.
But is that not good enough? Is that not what love is?
Do I really only have one word for love
Is my language thin and fragile and boring and disgusting because it’s English? Or do I make it beautiful and heartwrenching and wonderful because in my mouth and out of my fingertips it becomes mine. It becomes the way I feel and share and express my love and pain and desire. Do I really only have one word for love in my English? But isn’t love what I talked about in that large paragraph, without once using the ~only word for love~ in my language? (For it is my language because I speak it. Because I can mold it. It is mine.) Are my feelings any less because I cannot express them adequately enough in my first tongue? If so, I guess the constant tears are part of my penance.