idk the make

reblog this and tag your sign, an exo member who is not compatible with your sign, and how you feel about them.

energy ✨

Hello.

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE, SEXUAL ASSAULT, MENTAL ILLNESS (BPD, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY) SLEEP PARALYSIS

ill put it all under the cut so no one who doesnt want to read this has to see any of it 

Alright. 

So i’ve had a rough couple weeks. Rough couple years, i guess would be more accurate. I want to speak up, be a voice for the voiceless. Thats really hard for me to do. It’s taken me all week to write this post. 

Three weeks ago, on November 26th, I came out as nonbinary to my irl friends from middle school (im a senior in high school now). 

three weeks ago, on November 26th, I was raped. 

He called me by my deadname the entire time. I flinch when I hear it now. 

Twelve years ago, in 2005, I would stay over at my friends house a lot. Like, every single day after school for a couple hours, a lot. She had an older brother. Like, freshman in college older. I was in kindergarten. 

He would touch me. He’d always buy me ice cream after, from this ice cream truck that would circle our neighborhood. He was buying my silence, I guess. 

Fast forward twelve years, and I can’t hear the song from an ice cream truck without crying. 

Being sexually assaulted both recently and at such a young age has undoubtedly played a large role in who I am as a person, and that is especially prevalent in my mental illness. 

I have borderline personality disorder. I have depression. I have anxiety. 

I spend days at a time wishing I was dead and sometimes I’m happy for ten minutes, feeling like I’m on top of the world and the smallest little thing will bring me back down, far down, so far down I can’t even fathom getting back up-like an ice cream truck, or five little letters spelling out my deadname.

 But it’s not always those triggers. sometimes it’s something mundane. dropping a cup, not being able to hear in a crowded room, having cold hands-these have all dragged me down when I had just been so high up and I don’t know what to blame it on-my mental illnesses, or my trauma. 

lately, I haven’t been able to wake up. I just lie there, feeling his hands on me. I can’t even tell which him it is, and I can’t move, I’m just laying there-mind awake, body unmoving. Sleep paralysis partnered with a flashback. 

it’s difficult. I won’t lie I’ve attempted suicide multiple times. But I’m still here. I’m still holding on. 

So, hello. 

I’m Adam. 

Nice to finally, truly, introduce myself. 

 @jessicanjpa   #also a video of Esme SpeedKnitting

I love this. Esme with her own youtube channel. She doesn’t upload to it very often but when she does…oh boi. 

As soon as I read this tag, man, I laughed so hard, aye. Esme’s speedKnitting videos is just a video at normal speed but Esme is using her vampire speed. No one can tell any different. 

Also, you know those like calming videos? I’d like to think that maybe Esme made something similar, and it’s just her watering her plants, or planting new plants but all you see of Esme is her hands. Rosalie could be the one that films it for her. Maybe that’s something the two of them do together, and they both edit the videos together too. 

anonymous asked:

So I rewatched the WSC panel where you asked your question to Andy. FIRST - the way he said your name... "Hi, Ashley" ... I would have legit died, honey I would have that saved in an audio file so I could replay at my leisure 24/7. SECOND - Andy's sly smile, jelly legs anyone?! THIRD - his stupid handsome face, what gives him the right? God bless Andy for being the captain of our Richonne ship.

Oh my god, why haven’t I thought to isolate that audio?! As much as I think back to that moment, you’d think it’d be my ringtone, lol. At any rate. Whew, that smile. That smile! The one when he realized I was asking about Richonne, combined with that laugh was clearly designed to kill me. Then the one where he says he doesn’t know if it’s gonna happen; the fact that he was sitting there lying through his teeth and still, I swoon. I’m surprised I made it back to tell you guys about it. And I would also like to know what gives him the right. It’s unfair, and yet, I wouldn’t want it any other way.