idk its pretty shit but whatever

Told ya’ll I was gonna do Sailor Mouth so here’s this fucking pile of shit

I actually posted this last night when no one was awake so I just decided to repost it for the sake of it actually getting some notes so….  Yeah I joined the GF/Spongebob bandwagon, because how could I not? Its too glorious to stay  away from. THough I feel like instead of forcing the kids to paint the shack for being little potty mouths, Stan would probably just faint from hearing his darling little innocent nibblings say such dirty ass fucking words (don’t be a potty mouth like Jen everyone, its a bad idea), leaving Ford to awkwardly dole out punishment (even though I’m pretty sure those two say a lot worse than that when the younger twins aren’t around. Anyway, enjoy!

anonymous asked:

so are you saying that ace+het people still have the issue of dealing with denied housing and jobs because of their sexuality? because your status on how much you have sex shouldn't be an open topic, for one, and not only that they aren't truly being oppressed besides by people they open up about it. i understand they still get shit but they aren't getting oppressed or killed for not being hetronormative with their sex lives.

this is always the go-to, isnt it? god i hate this fucking argument so much because its this disingenuous copypaste that ive heard from every single fucking exclusionist alive. 

first off, to address this “how much you have sex” shit PLEASE GOD *STOP FUCKING SEXUALIZING ACES* ITS *NOT* ABOUT THE SEX THEY ARE OR ARENT HAVING, THATS NOT THE ISSUE! i cannot believe im still seeing this, the idea that by identifying yourself as ace youre somehow “bringing sex into it” rather than specifically embracing your identity and the feelings and issues it brings with it is awful, and reeks of the same shit people did to gay and lesbian folks back in the day by trying to make their identity inherently sexual. its not. its just an identity. please, please god stop.

secondly, you really wanna bring up the idea that…you arent oppressed…unless you bring it up? okay, well, alright, i guess all closeted lgbt+ people arent oppressed. ever. thats your standpoint, right? thats what youre talking about? okay glad we’re all on the same page here now because surely you must realize what a stupid fucking point that was.

now, before i address your main point, which has been regurgitated word-for-fucking-word eight hundred thousand times, im gonna really try and get this across for what is probably the fifth time tonight: *not all oppression is the same.* this idea that there’s this…benchmark of oppression, like “you have to have THIS and THIS and THAT done to you for your identity and it has to be EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU for you to be REALLY oppressed, otherwise youre just faking and you dont DESERVE to be a member of the community” is so fucking weird and im not sure how we got here? like i get that we’ve all hurt, and it’s easy to get angry that others who have hurt, but haven’t hurt as _much_(in our minds), are wanting to have access to a safe space as well, but yknow what? itd be super fucked up if black people had told lgbt+ people that because we hadn’t experienced slavery as a group, we weren’t _really_ oppressed, and we shouldnt say that we were or are. like. thatd be really fucked up? and its the same sort of thing, not exactly, but its close. its “you arent having this and this done to you, so you’re not _really_ oppressed, stop saying that you are.” 

finally, lets talk abt this shit, this…housing…jobs…whatever…im falling asleep just barely reciting it…anyway. yknow, i doubt it. i do doubt that theres a whole lot of aspec people out there who are getting denied that kind of thing, it IS easier to hide that youre aspec in those kinds of situations. it’s probably happened, i wouldn’t be surprised, but, no, i don’t think it’s a widespread problem. if i have followers who could provide statistics, thatd be fantastic, currently im fucking exhausted and do not have the strength of will to both argue with these people and go through pages and pages of google to find obscure stats like that. yknow what does happen though? abuse. corrective rape. general mistreatment from both “regular” straight folk and from those within the community - thankfully, most of that latter bit is confined to this hellsite, as exclusionists aren’t beloved by most offline - which i feel are pretty fucking disgusting, and familiar, reactions to someones identity. no, they dont experience every single disgusting thing that happens to me as a trans person, or somebody else as a gay person, but fuck - i dont experience everything that happens to someone else as a gay person. nor does he experience everything that happens to me. i dont experience all disgusting things that happen to aspec people either? just because its different or more contained doesnt mean that its less worthy or some shit? 

idk if that’ll change your mind but i hope youre at least a little less. whatever the fuck you were before sending this. 

rubiam au

•ruby works at a bookstore

•liam works for harry at his car repair shop

•they are coincidentally right across from each other

•whenever ruby is working she always keeps the door/window open so she can hear the music that liam plays when he’s working

•one night after ruby finishes closing up she gets in her car and it doesn’t start

•so she gets out of her car and is super pissed off and she can’t call home cause they’re all asleep or out of town or some dumb shit like that

•and so she just plops down on the curb fixing to cry

•but that’s when liam pops out of the garage and is like hey I can take a look at that for you and he’s like blushing really hard because omg super pretty girls car isn’t starting its my lucky day or something I’m like fuckin bob the builder i can fix that shit

•and so he grabs his tools or whatever (idk man I’m not a mechanic) and while he’s outside working on it he hears the music and he’s like well shit man I didn’t know u could hear this all the way out here sorry it’s probs hella annoying

•and then ruby tells him how she loves this kind of music and how she always leaves the door open so she can hear it while she works and it makes her shifts go by a little bit faster

•and so after he’s done she thanks him and he starts blushing really badly and he awkwardly asks for her number because this boy can’t do anything like a normal human

•and she’s blushing back at him but is smiling super wide because this cute boy who not only fixed her car but fixed it for free is asking for her number

•and she starts smiling even wider when she sees how badly his hands are shaking as he types her number into his phone

•and from then on liam turns his music up a little bit louder when he sees her car in front of the store

•and when she hears it getting louder she stands at the front window and he stands outside the garage to see her and they wave at each other and it becomes like an every day thing

•and he eventually builds up the courage to ask her out and after they start dating they take their lunch breaks together because hey they’re right across the street from each other how convenient

•and liam is always like super grimy and shit (like imagine him when he’s fixing that motorcycle thing in ita) and ruby is always like people probably think i’m dating a street urchin u look like u never shower man

•but she secretly loves it and he knows it

Distance (J.J)

|based on the request: Your writing is just amaze balls 😭😭😭 please could you write me a Johnson imagine where I go and surprise him on tour or whatever after not seeing each other for months???💖|

|2.1k words woo, it’s rlly long and boring tbh, it’s rushed af but idk, fluffy Johnson for you, masterlist is in my description and if you want to request, please do, but I need more requests for the other boys😫😘 AND THANK YOU FOR 700 FOLLOWERS ITS CRAZY HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH|

“And here we have a whining Jack Johnson, sulking over how much he misses his girlfriend.”

“Screw you, Sam.”

“I’m pretty sure you’d rather screw your girlfriend!-”

The 10 second long video comes to an end, leaving me smiling. Sammy is pretty much documenting everything that Jack does and posting it onto his Snapchat story and sending them to me. For the past 120 seconds, it’s just been videos of Jack being comforted by Nate and Sammy mocking Jack and Jack threatening to beat Sams ass.

That’s my boy.

Jack has been everywhere but California in the past month and a half so we haven’t had any physical contact at all. He’s been touring with the boys and doing one off shows and meet and greets and going back home to Omaha to be with his family for a few days every few weeks, but he hasn’t had the chance to come back to LA.

I would normally jump at the chance to go travelling with the boys, some of my best memories have come from the Jack and Jack DigiTour, but I couldn’t this time around.

I recently got a job at a daycare centre to help pay off my student loans and buy me food. I don’t have much vacation time and I didn’t feel confident enough to ask for some time off after I had only been working there for three weeks.

The red barrier across the top of the Snapchat app pops up as I receive another picture from Sammy.

It’s a picture of Jack tucked under Skates arm with his face hidden in his hands. My heart clenched at the sight. I instantly reply back with a selfie of my pouting sadly, captioning it: “My poor baby😫 I’ll call him”

I make sure that the photo actually sent before I exit the app and open my calls list, Jacks contact being on speed dial and at the top of the recents list. I quickly press his name and hold the phone to my ear. He answers after about 3 rings.

“Hey,” He sighs into the phone, making me pout even more. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, J, but what’s wrong? Why are you so glum today?”

“Because I just miss you so much and it’s hitting me really hard today. I haven’t seen you in so long and I’m under so much stress and I don’t feel good about traveling without you.”

“I get it that you’re under pressure to perform well and be a perfect star and that’s putting you under a lot of stress, but you need to try and cheer up, please. I saw a video of last nights performance and I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, what the fuck happened out there?”

He just wasn’t in it, not at all. He was forgetting lyrics, constantly yawning and he never smiled. All of the fans could tell something was wrong, Jack is usually so happy and excited when he’s on stage.

“I feel like I need you here to be able to perform at my absolute best. I haven’t had a proper nights sleep since I’ve been away, I can’t even sleep without you.”

“Baby,” I whine, resting my head against my pillow. “Don’t say that, you’ll make me cry!”

“I can’t help it, I just miss you.” He chuckles through the mic and I can just picture the sad, innocent little smile on his face. “I really wish you were here.”

“I wish I was there too, J.” I sigh, rolling my head back. “When are you coming home?”

“Not for a while… Can you come out for a weekend? Please? I’ll pay for your ticket.”

“I have work babe, I can’t.”

“On a weekend?”

I scrunch my eyes up and purse my lips, “Yeah, one of the moms needs me to look after her kid on Saturday night and she’s paying me quite a lot, I can’t pass up the money.”

I can’t pass up the money because I already brought my ticket for a flight on Sunday morning.

“I’ll give you the money, Y/N! Please, I just really need to be with you… Fuck it. You know what?”

I give him the ultimate rhetorical answer to his question, “What?”

“I’m just gunna leave, I’m gunna come home to you first thing in the morning.” His voice modifies from being soft and sweet to determined and serious in a matter of seconds.

Is he being serious? Does he really think that Gilinsky, Nate and Sam would just let him run off and ditch them when he’s a key performer at an event?

Does he think that I’d let him do that?

Hell no.

“Jack, you’re staying where you are, there is no way I’m letting you leave the boys.” I argue, keeping my voice strong and firm to keep myself from cracking and blurting out my plan.

“I’m leaving to be with you!”

I roll my eyes, “This isn’t a Nicholas Sparks novel, J, I’m not going to let you sacrifice your entire career just so you can fly to Los Angeles to be with me for a few hours.”

“But babe-”

“No buts! I’m not letting you leave!”

“You’re so bossy, Y/N, but please, I need to be with you…”

“I love you, but no. And if you dare try to argue with me about it, I will hang up and refuse to speak to you.”

“Y/N, I am coming home-”

“Bye, Jack. Love you.”

And I hung up, ignoring the rest of his calls, texts, Tweets and Snapchats for the rest of the day.


Two days later, I still haven’t spoken to Jack and I’m currently in Oregon, where the guys are performing a show tonight. I told Sam and Skate that I’m coming, who told Gilinsky who didn’t tell Johnson. Obviously. It would delete the purpose of it being a surprise visit if they told him.

I manage to get out of the airport fast and get into a free cab before the rush of people force their way out and into random cars. I give the driver the name of the hotel and relax in the back of the comfortably warm car.

Sam and Gilinsky are going to take Jack out to get some food as soon as I tell them that I’m 5 minutes away from the hotel so when he gets back, he’ll be surprised. Nate is staying back at the hotel so I can easily get into the room without the hassle of the front desk.

To my surprise, there aren’t that many fans outside of the hotel, not like there were when the Jack and Jack tour was going on. There’s a few people scattered around the entrance and sitting on the benches and grass area, just waiting for one of the boys to walk out and greet them.

I pay the driver and pull my hood over my head, I don’t really want to get stopped when I don’t have much time to get in and hidden (in Johnsons bed). I only brought a small carry on bag with me so I’m quick to jump out of the cab and scurry into the warmth of the hotel, where Nate is sat in the lobby waiting for me.

“Yo,” He grins when he sees me, jumping up from the seat and walking towards me. He wraps an arm around my shoulder and gives me a short side hug. “Long time no see.”

“It’s been too long.” I sigh, gently patting his back in the hug. “I missed all of you guys, I can’t even lie.”

“We all missed you too, partially because Johnson was a moping asshole and someone needed to cheer him up.”

“I reckon he’s gunna cry.”

“We already made a bet about it.” Nate laughs, shaking his head with his laugh.

“Why wasn’t I included in that? I would’ve made easy money!” Yeah, betting on my boyfriends emotions because I know him so well - girlfriend of the year.

“We’ll include you next time, Y/N, just hurry your ass up because Sam said they’re around the corner.” Nate literally tugs my shoulder and pulls me forward, towards the thankfully open elevator.

I don’t know if I’m actually going to be able to pull this off, I’ve never surprised anyone before! I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say when Jack walks in, do I just stand there and awkwardly wave or do I attack him with a hug?

There’s so many options but so little time.

As soon as the elevator reaches the floor the room is on, Nate rushes me down the hall to where the Jacks room is, scanning it open with what I assume is Gilinskys key card and literally shoving me inside.

He slams the door open and shoves me in, like I’m a fucking rag doll or something, he just doesn’t seem to care. At least I landed on my feet.

“Go and sit on Johnsons bed and just wait,” I go to ask which bed is my boyfriends, but Nate cuts me off as if he can read my mind. “His is the one closest to the bathroom.”

“Okay, thank you for helping me out with this, it means a lot!” I rush, flashing Nate a big smile before he slams the door shut and rushes down the hall. I guess they’re closer than I thought.

I place my bag on the small couch under the window and take a seat on the bed Nate instructed me to. I lean over and click on the lamp, not really knowing what else to do. But just seconds later, I can hear shuffling footsteps and muffled words from outside the door.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna come back to mine and Skates room? We’re gunna order up some desserts and order a movie.” I hear Sam say, clapping his hands together in a ‘it’s a plan’ sort of clap.

“Nah man, I’m just gunna go call my girlfriend and try to catch some zees.” I hear my boyfriend loud and clear and my heart starts racing. I’ve been longing to hear him in person for so long now.

“Well just come down if you want, we’ll be there.”

“Thanks man, see you later.”

“Tell Y/N that we say hi.” Gilinsky adds, but I can hear the teasing hint in his voice that makes me smile and become all giddy. I feel like I might through up, I’m that excited and nervous right now.

“Um, okay, sure…” Jack mutters in response to his best friend before he goes quiet, he’s probably standing right in front of the door right now.

I hear a small beep and suddenly, the door creeks open. Jack carelessly walks in without even looking up from the floor, running a hand through his hair, tugging at it softly and sighing.

“What’s up, buttercup?” I ask, sitting up straight with my feet against the floor, ready to stand up.

Jack jolts backwards at the sound of my voice, backing himself against the wall with a hand rested over his heart and the other holding his forehead. “Holy shit!”

I raise my eyebrows and laugh a little bit, “You okay?”

He looks at me in shock before looking at the floor, shaking his head in disbelief before looking up at me again. “What the hell- Y/N! What the fuck?!”

“Hi.” I smile, I slowly stand up and walk towards my boyfriend. “Are you okay?” I ask quietly.

“Fuck, baby girl,” Jack throws his arms around my neck and pulling me tight against his chest, hiding his face in the crook of my neck. “I can’t believe you’re here, this is fucking amazing, I missed you so much.” He mumbles into my skin, lightly peppering kisses every time he made a point. “I really fucking love you, oh my God.”

I can’t help the few tears that escape my eyes as I cling onto Jack, wrapping my arms around his middle and squeezing him as hard as I can, without hurting him.

“Thank you so much for coming out, baby, I don’t think you realise how much this means to me.” He muffles his words into my neck, wriggling his hands into the ends of my hair.

“I needed to be with you, J.”

“I fucking love you, Y/N, thank you so fucking much.”

“Don’t thank me, babe.” I smile, shaking my head into his chest. “I came because I love you.”

“You’re seriously helping me by being here, Y/N. I’ll finally be able to sleep and I’ll be able to perform properly because I’ve seen you and the fans will be happy with me again-”

“Hey, Jack?” I mumble, cutting him off from his little speech and pulling my face away from his warm chest. “Could you shut up and kiss me?”

He nods frantically with a loved up smile, looking down at me and grabbing my chin with his fingers. “I love you, beautiful.”

I’ve always hated that “fighting like a married couple” is the like ~marriage stereotype~ or whatever because that’s pretty much enforcing the whole “marriage is terrible and will ruin ur life” shit that boys are taught and runs right along with romanticizing discord in married life like its fun and cute and constant that perpetuates that “u have to get married!!” shit that girls r taught and idk I just really hate it and there’s more to it but j just can’t put it into words very well I just wanted to vent

how extreme do phrases like ‘party all night’ and 'up all night to get lucky’ become in the context of space, like its always night time in space?? right?? so u have to party until u reach ur destination? that is impractical. who will man the stations? who will set the phasers? noone. they are all partying.