all of my friends are also girls, so they’re automatically crossed off the list of people i can have a crush on. that’s just not how these things work.
my friends ask me who i like. for a while, i have nothing to tell them, but, as i quickly learn, that’s not the correct answer. i sit next to trevor in class. he’s a boy and he’s kind of cute and he’s nice to me. “trevor,” i tell my friends, after much evasion. “trevor is cute. i like trevor.”
i am twelve.
when my friends ask me who i have a crush on, i have a ready answer. (i sit next to jeff in class. he’s a boy and he’s kind of cute and he’s nice to me.)
i am fourteen.
i sit behind nathan in my very first high school class. he’s a boy and he’s kind of cute and he’s nice to me. i have a crush on nathan this year.
i am seventeen.
trevor’s gotten mean. i haven’t talked to jeff in two years. last i heard of nathan, he’d been dealing on school grounds. it’s been three years since i last had a crush. (i blush whenever hayley looks at me. i can’t figure out why.) when my friends ask me who i like, the answer is “no one.” i’ve been saying it since the tenth grade. i’m not sure any one of them believes me.
(from a note i wrote at age 22 after realizing i’m a lesbian)