idk i'm home sick from work

i’m picturing feuilly getting a bad cold and his friends make him stay home from work because he’s shivering and sneezing and they wrap him in piles of blankets and all that’s visible is his eyes and red nose and one of them calls into his jobs to tell them he’s sick and he’s not sure how to react because he’s never had people take care of him like this before especially not for something small like a cold and oh no oh noooo it’s too cute he’s too cute

I am just so sick of the power & excellence rhetoric? Yes it’s good to push yourself and be ambitious and to never settle, but the rhetoric around it all can also be so toxic? I was raised on it by the most successful, power-driven mother of all time, and while yeah it’s made me strive for greatness and never allowed me to believe anything other than the fact that women are capable of doing anything their minds are set to, but it’s also nurtured my anxiety and my self-hatred. I’ve never felt that anything I’ve done has been good enough, and with all the talk that there is no time for failure or losses or people who aren’t wildly ambitious, I’m just so tired? Do I really want to be wildly successful? Do I need to achieve thing after thing that makes me more sick than it does happy?

I don’t bloody care if I’m successful? I’d rather not feel sick from anxiety 24/7 and I’d rather be calm and happy and feel loved and feel like I’m good enough just being myself without constantly striving for more. I don’t ever want to settle, but I want the things I want to feel like they’re enough. I’d be happy having a job that lets me get by but that maybe doesn’t make me stand out for its rarity and prestige. I don’t want to be looked down upon, to be judged by my family and my friends for not wanting power. I’d be happy with what they’d see as less I’d be happy working from home, honestly. I was taught that stay at home moms are losers who have no ambition, but it’s just so wrong? I don’t care if people remember me for my work generations later, but I will care more than anything if I die without having a family who loves me, if I die knowing I didn’t give my all to living in a happy, loving environment. The world is ugly and horrific and I don’t want to wear myself down going after things that won’t matter. My mom gave her life to her career, but she lived in another country from me for over ten years of my childhood. She almost never was in the same house as me for more than a weekend. I’m proud of her, but I grew up feeling wildly insecure because my parents weren’t there, because we lived in a household where you constantly had to earn love and respect and I thought the fact that they weren’t there meant that I’d failed, and I don’t want that for another second. 

I want to want academia again because it makes me happy, not because it’s the only respectable way for me to pursue intellectual activity. Because it’s the only respectable career path for someone who wants to live through literature. I want to feel like I would be respected for finding another path. Let me be a librarian or a teacher who isn’t constantly doing research or let me find a way to write and work from home one day. Let me be and let me stop feeling like I’m choosing “less” when that “less” is more than I ever even let myself consider having. Let me stop feeling that I need to be constantly excellent to live my life. Let me stop feeling like I’m making some grossly anti-feminist move for wanting a life that isn’t a constant strive for success. Let me stop feeling that I’m going to lose everyone and everything because of it.