when you’re having a nice time with jonathan and then he says, “Nancy Wheeler, she’s not just another suburban girl who thinks she’s rebelling by doing exactly what every other suburban girl does… until that phase passes and they marry some boring one-time jock who now works sales, and they live out a perfectly boring little life at the end of a cul-de-sac. Exactly like their parents, who they thought were so depressing, but now, hey, they get it.“
☕🐸 the marvel movies have really downplayed Widows character and put sexual appeal over actually character traits: shown by her really fuckin sexual fighting style, and then in like Winter Soldier, that unnecessary part where she n steve make out? idk i just feel like if widow was a male, none of that shit wouldve happened. they would have a nice, non-sexulized character like any other avenger. it just pisses me off that our only female character is just sex appeal for the male audience.
to some extent you’re right - there is a certain amount of “sexy” to Natasha in the movies, but I wouldn’t call her just a sexualized character. frankly, I think the degree to which she’s been sexualized has been overplayed. there were a lot of articles after The Avengers came out that fixated on the fact that you could see her breasts - despite the fact that Cap’s costume in that movie was about as skintight, and she actually had her suit zipped to a reasonable height (unlike in many comics).
in some ways, I think the fact that Natasha is seen as sexualized reflects the way that women in general are seen as sexual objects regardless of what they do. that’s a thorny issue, I’m aware - fictional characters don’t have agency. but with the way Natasha’s body being visible is sexualized versus Steve’s, when their suits both display their bodies…makes me feel a little like what’s sexualized is the fact that Natasha’s “woman-ness” is showing. (obviously, the quality of being female isn’t about the shape of one’s body, but that’s the way it gets played in most conversations.)
the main offenders as far as Natasha being sexualized are, in my opinion, the initial interrogation scene in The Avengers, the role she plays in Iron Man 2 (the model shots Tony looks at, the scene where she’s undressing in the back seat of the car) and the fact that she was shoehorned into a romance in Age of Ultron that didn’t make sense. I don’t see the kiss with Steve as sexualized - it’s painted as awkward more than anything, and something that makes Steve uncomfortable.
honestly, I think dismissing her as just “sex appeal” actually does a major disservice to her character and the importance she has to the plot.
in The Avengers Natasha is the one to figure out Loki’s plan, she joins the fight in the end despite not being a warrior (”a spy, not a soldier”) and she’s the one who ultimately figures out how to close the portal. Natasha’s the one who blasts out the information in Winter Soldier. She has a strong role in Civil War - fighting to keep the Avengers together, and changing sides when she realizes that it’s not working.
dismissing Natasha as “just there for the sex appeal” is actually something that smells a little misogynistic to me, because it ignores all the ways in which she does have a character, and does have importance to the story. it’s an argument I see pop up a lot in comics as a way of writing her off as “unimportant” or “not badass enough.” I saw it a lot in discussions of why Captain Marvel “deserves” a movie more than Black Widow, as though we shouldn’t have more than one female-led superhero movie, with more than one type of hero.
there are aspects to Natasha’s depiction that are more sexual than necessary, but I don’t think that’s all there is to her.
also: Natasha isn’t our only female character anymore. they’re limited, yes, but it’s important not to forget about Wanda, Maria Hill, Sharon Carter, Jane Foster, Valkyrie, and the other women who do appear. still too few of them, obviously - but don’t forget about them.
idk if this has been asked before but what were the guys like to noodle when she was little? i personally think murdoc has a soft spot for her 💖 pickleboye can be nice sometimes.
Russel was the overall parental figure when it came to raising Noodle; he usually called the shots, taught her what she needed to know about the world around her, and showed her how to act in public/ect.
2D was more of a brother than anything, helping out in daily activities with Russel, like lecturing young Noodle about why she can’t lick the old man that smells like peppermint on the subway why she can’t act out when she doesn’t get her way. 2D helped Noodle grow as a kid, most definitely.
While Russel taught Noodle the basics, like how to clean up and care for herself, 2D taught her the more emotional-based lessons like how to say sorry and let go of grudges, as well as helping Noodle gain social connections.
Russel was the most responsible out of the 3 boys, 2D coming in 2nd place because he forgot about where Noodle was at times; he once left her streets away at a toy store before he came running back to get her. Coming in 3rd place was…
Murdoc was a good guy, but he didn’t like having a baby in the band. No one ever told him that raising a kid would be so much work though he did next to none of it!
When Noodle needed help with bullies, (since she was quite shy back then) she would always go to Murdoc for help. Sure, the girl knew how to defend herself, but aren’t words a better alternative…?
Apparently not, said Murdoc every single time.
After a couple months of having Noodle around with the gang, Murdoc started to warm up to her. Though Russel was basically her dad and 2D her brother, Murdoc earned the title of “best friend”.
They jammed out together and went on miscellaneous adventures throughout the day… Murdoc taught Noodle how to let loose and cause a bit of innocent trouble… Until he got caught in the act by Dad #1. Yikes.
If Noodle happens to be part of the LGBT community, Murdoc was the first person that she probably went to for help.
During interviews, Murdoc acts as if Noodle is just part of the band, but actually refers to her as his little girl behind doors.
Nonetheless, Noodle grew up right. She had good parents to help her through her journey to adulthood. For a couple of 20-30 something-year-old’s without a clue, the boys did a pretty damn good job, at that.
BEHOLD WINDBLADE TALKSPRITES FROM AN UPCOMING FANGAME WAHOO (I’m the lead for sprites and shit heh)
LAWL NO i am NOT part of any fangame and there is no fangame you had to read this for confirmation get shit on bub
But in all seriousness it took me a good while (2 days) to make these and this is my first time making talksprites and they came out quite nicely?? I’ve never seen anyone do pixel transformers talksprites so i wanted to try my hand at it I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT as much as I had fun making this with tender loving care :3
(Might put these up for commission options idk, also do you guys have anyone you think i should try making a sprite of??)
Genre: mafia au, non-idol Group:seventeen Word Count: 748 Warnings:swearing and kidnaping Summary: your parents left you with all this debt, leaving you in such a broken and stressed state, but you’re only met with more unfortunate circumstances [pt 1] [pt 2] [pt 3] [pt 4] [pt 5]
What sorts of nerdy hobbies do you think Carlisle has?
- He collects first edition books. He found the first edition of a book containing poems by Dante Rossetti, and it’s one of his most prized possessions. Like he came home with it, and he was like “you guys!!!!!!!!!!” and everyone was like “that’s nice, buddy, but no one’s surprised you got that. you’re one of the wealthiest fictional characters” what fourth wall lol?
- Chess. Lots and lots of chess. So much chess that when any of the Cullens see him pull out the board, they suddenly have errands to run and animals to feed on.
- I also like to think Carlisle can play the piano (idk if that’s nerdy, it’s just a hobby I headcanon he has). I adore the thought of him and Esme having a quiet evening alone, and he just plays her some really beautiful piece by Erik Satie and there are candles lit because that’s the kind of romantic shit Carlisle does. He keeps looking over at her as he plays and there’s so much emotion shining in his eyes, and he wants to kiss her so he does and his fingers falter on the keys because kissing Esme still overwhelms him sometimes. Or he plays alone to relax himself when he’s stressed with work.
- He’s loves to cook!!!!! He loved when Edward started dating Bella, because it gave him an excuse to turn on some classical music and experiment with different recipes he’d read about. Bella was basically his recipe guinea pig. He was so sad when she became a vampire, but then he was able to cook for Renesmee!!! At least one good thing came out of “Nessie” lol
- CARLISLE LIKES GARDENING!!!!!!!!! Like I can just see this man coming home from a shift at the hospital, and being like “Rosalie, did you water my flowers like I asked???” Or like, when some of the wolves are roughhousing outside, they roll through a patch of his flowers and Carlisle’s just like “My marigolds :-(” Also, a concept: Carlisle with gardening gloves, rumpled hair and dirt on his face from hours spent embellishing the landscape.
- He also collects scarves, but we’ve already established that.
Ok since not today mv came out I think badass!jimin is really really nice and idk even if I like badass!kook and nerd!jimin would you write a hc about jikook both being badass? Like they're both dominant and boi
+ If you want shit handle you call in Jimin and Jungkook.
+ They’re both high ranking swat members and take no shit from anyone.
+ When the couple walks into a room everyone gives them their full attention cause they demand it.
+ Jimin and Jungkook have a even relationship and will fight anyone who dare comments other wise.
+ Jungkook is silent and Jimin is vocal.
+ even in intimacy they’re both dominate. Rolling around, being extra rough with one another, both grunting and panting.
+ They have so many scratches and Hickies everywhere it’s hard to figure out who even bottom that night (They switch all the time)
+ Even when they’re domestic they’re both adorablely dominate.
so i saw comet last night and these are some of the highlights:
-brittain gave me a pierogi and noticed my helene cosplay
-summaya poked me with her violin bow and said “NYET”
-dave walked right past me in prologue
-I FINALLY SAW NICK CHOKSI AND LEMME JUST SAY 😍😍😍
-i love dave he was amazing as pierre he’s definitely my favorite pierre now
-DENEE WAS LIKE LITERALLY A FOOT AWAY FROM ME AT ONE POINT LIKE I COULD LITERALLY REACH OUT AND TOUCH HER
-private & intimate life happened right in front of me, bolkonsky’s chair was like right over by where i sat
-i was also so close to the doors™
-s a y s t h e m e a n o l d m a n i n h i s u n d e r t h i n g s
-DENEE BLESSED ME ONCE AGAIN IN NO ONE ELSE
-marya’s fucking shoes man
-the sonyakhov content in the opera was 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻
-ANATOLE’S ENTRANCE HAPPENED RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND THE GIRL IN FRONT OF ME HAD THE OPERA KISS SEAT, I WAS JEALOUS OF HER FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT
-seriously man have i mentioned i love anatole kuragin/lucas steele
-lucas literally had me melting, i was thirstin so bad over him
-the duel was hilarious, especially when reed kissed my ear, and blaine sat next to
me, pointed to helene, and said “SHES A SLUT, ITS ALL HER FAULT”
-nick’s psychotic hopping
-after seeing him i daresay i think i’m falling in love with nick choksi
-DAVE’S DUST AND ASHES. OH MY GOD. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE BLESSED IN MY LIFE. HE FUCKING SLAYED IT WOW
-there’s not much to be said about sunday morning it was great tho
-CHARMING AS USUAL WAS GAY AS FUCK, both in the song itself and the fact that it made me gay
-the ball, man. have i mentioned i love anatole kuragin?
-I GOT NOT ONE BUT TWO (2) LETTERS, ONE FROM BILLY AND ONE FROM LULU
-anatole’s love letter is still the hottest thing i’ve ever witnessed
-the passion that denee puts into sonya & natasha wow
-i cried at sonya alone
-P R E P A R A T I O N S
-anatole kept walking right in front of me during preparations it was lit
-grace gave me an egg shaker
-THE FUCKING GREEN COAT™ MAN
-the green coat™ touched me and i died
-wowowow i love the abduction
-i raised my comet cup up when lucas said “raise a glass”
-he held the “WHOOOOOAAAAAAH” for like aN ENTIRE FUCKING MINUTE HOW DOES HE DO THAT
-we sang along on the “whooooooahs” and the second “goodbye my gypsy lovers”
-GRACE SCREAMED IN MY FACE DURING IN MY HOUSE I DIED
-brittain sat right in front of me, so that my foot was touching her ass, i laughed
-oh my god a call to pierre is the best
-i was lowkey terrified during pierre & anatole like dave had such anger and passion and lucas looked terrified 👌🏻👌🏻
-pierre & andrey, also known as god i love nicholas belton. seriously tho he was 👌🏻
-nEVER S P E A K O F T H A T A G A I N
-i cried in both pierre & natasha and the great comet of 1812, dave was so good and i also realized it would be my last time seeing the show, i was so depressed :(
-one of the violinists in the orchestra remembered me from last time i saw it
-I MET THE FUCKING PRODUCER
-the stagedoor was so great
-lucas didn’t come out, neither did nick, grace, or brittain, (or amber and denee but they never come out) but everyone else came out
-GELSEY REMEMBERED ME FROM LAST TIME, I COMPLETELY FUCKING DIED
-i told kennedy i was the one who made that helennedy drawing and she said she loved it and that i was very talented i cri
-nicholas tried to sign his letter, not realizing it was for him to keep, and then i told him it was for him to keep and he was like “i’ll open it later, i don’t want to embarrass you” I LOVE HIM
-paul, reed, shoba, josh c, summaya, ashley, and brad also came out and they were all so nice
-i think shoba skipped me tho idk why :(
-ashley didn’t technically stagedoor but she came out and i told her she was great
-i was kinda sad lucas and nick didn’t come out but lucas walked past me like 8 times during the show and at least i got to meet him last time
-basically if i didn’t meet someone this time i met them last time and vice versa so i got to meet pretty much everyone (except for grace, nick, amber, and denee)
-i’m sad i never got to meet nick choksi tho bUT AT LEAST I GOT TO SEE HIM THIS TIME I WANTED TO MEET HIM THO RIP I GUESS I NEVER WILL :(
-everyone loved my cosplay as well as my letters, a few people noticed me from last time, i met 3 of my internet friends, and i was noticed as the great comet superfan, it was lit and i was eternally shook
-i was gonna get a poster and have them all sign it but they were out of posters :(
Are the names for other bandom ppl outside mcr some kind of fandom agreement? Because I always see the same ones. Also, why is Brendon's Killer King? That's from DOAB and a few years happened between DD and DOAB, did he not have a name before or it changed? And are there commonly accepted events regarding other bands? Because I have read several fics/posts where almost everyone in panic died...Sorry I asked too many questions I love the DD universe but don't know much yet. Thank you <3
they aren’t a fandom agreement per se, but there are some name headcanons that are very common so i see why you’d think that! the reason for their popularity depends on the band in question. for killer king, i think people just chose that one because it has a nice ring to it! it sounds like a killjoy name. and it’s not that he didn’t have a name before DOAB. quite the contrary actually, it’s more like…. the danger days fandom wasn’t there. not in this form at least. when danger days actually came out, the fandom was very different from the tumblr community of today. i’m not sure when the trope of adding other bands into the danger days universe got started. maybe his name did change? idk, but since DOAB came out i’ve usually seen it as killer king.
for the suitehearts (aka fall out boy), they’re conveniently given killjoy-esque names in the america’s suitehearts music video, so a lot of people just use those. people tend to use concepts from the band in question to form their killjoy names.
as for widely accepted backstories, that one has a lot more variation, but again - many headcanons are influenced by real life. people write panic and the suitehearts as being friends/associates because it mirrors their irl relationships, and a lot of people imagine most of panic being killed because, y’know, everyone in the band has left. that translates to Death in a lot of headcanons cuz we all love angst.
i feel like all i’ve talked about is work lately but a) oh well and b) it’s better than endless eating disorder posts….although lets be real i make those too lol no shame and c) a lot happened tonight ! good things ! things that made me glad to work here ! side note!! i’m self conscious that this is going to come across as ‘holier than thou” now! but!!! i do not care!!!
yesterday my friend slept over at my house and we were scrolling through netflix looking for something to watch and then we started talking to each other and she just turns to me and out of the blue says “hey I think I might be bi” and I was like “SAME TF” and then we high-fived and just talked about our opinions and how complicated figuring things out can be for another two hours and? that was such a good experience
Y'all can we talk about this check please update tho like, I feel like a lot of people in this fandom seem to think or write Jack as if his anxiety is just completely gone just because he’s portrayed as happier which honestly has always made me a little uncomf, so I’m happy to see an update address that
That being said, it’s so fucking nice to see that not only does he seem to be handling it better but that he feels comfortable reaching out to bitty for support where in the past he tended to isolate himself when he was feeling truly anxious.
Idk I just came away from that having a lot of jack feels (probably in no small part Bc of all the personal shit I’m going through right now)
A/n: Here it is! I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous to post anything before :’) I apologize beforehand if this isn’t as good or satisfying I guess IDK but I had some really nice messages about the last part I don’t want this one to flop ok I’ll stahp talking now ^-^
Word count: 3.4k
A divorce is not so easy to go through when your lingering feels and son keep getting in the way.
The most beautiful things came out of your mouth, Luke had thought.
Luke had always found himself mesmerized by the beautiful way words seemed to flow out your mouth. It had probably been one of the first things to have drawn him towards you. It didn’t really matter what you were saying; whether it be a casual greeting, scolding words whenever he let his coffee get too cold, hushed giggles shared in his office as you’d visit him during his breaks, or even just sleepy whispers of his name as he’d slip into the bed late at night. Luke loved it all, cherished it all. He was utterly weak when it came to your words, unable to decline any request that rolled off your lips.
The most memorable words Luke had heard were spoken by none other than you. The bashful sure you had given as an answer to his date preposition back in college. The loud, tearful yes you had screamed the moment he had gotten down on his knee, a diamond ring peeking through the velvet box; the same ring you had worn for years after. The whispered, and slightly scared, announcement of your pregnancy, your eyes seeking comfort and alleviation from him. The hushed whispers directed towards your swollen belly late at night, the loving words making his heart swell with love.
The most beautiful things came out of your mouth, Luke had thought.
And yet, there you were, throwing out words he could describe as many things; beautiful not being one.
He couldn’t make sense of where your words had come from. He was absolutely sure that you were both on good terms, amazing even. You had been texting every now and then ever since that weekend, your conversations becoming somewhat friendly and relaxed. He couldn’t tell what went wrong; and it felt like being handed the divorce papers all over again, the same oblivious, confused shock taking over him.
Luke licked his dry lips, his breathing ragged and uneven. He slowly moved around his office, reaching out to close his office door, warning the rest of the employees that no disturbance would be tolerated. His motions were slow, careful, calculated; he feared that any wrong move would tick you off, that any rushed decision would make you storm out and he’d only know about you through your lawyers.
You kept your gaze fixed on the wooden flooring, very well aware of his movements around the office. Looking at him was a hard task itself; how could you bare to look at the man who held your loving heart in his hands; the man who, just minutes ago, decided that your heart no longer fitted in his hands, leaving it to bleed love all over the ground instead.
“Wait! W-wait, hold up!” Luke finally broke the choking silence, still standing a few safe feet from where you stood. His words were barely audible due to the obvious shakiness in his voice. “C-can you at least sit down?”
“No!” You immediately fired back, an ache rising in your throat as you remembered the previous events.
“I want you to sign them luke! For fuck’s sake! What’re you trying to earn from this?” You groaned, wincing when your voice broke at the end of your words. Luke’s eyes anxiously studied your behavior, looking almost scared at your words. But you had already started, determined to let it all out.
“Honestly, I don’t see why you keep stringing me along if you’re just planning on fucking around with other people!” Your voice was dry, the words bitterly leaving your mouth. The frustration of being neither married nor divorced had taken over your heart, the effect clear in your words.
Luke’s eyes went as wide as saucers, his eyebrows knitting at your words. But you didn’t pay it much attention, still determined to follow through with your speech; “If you’d just spare my dignity an-”
“What the fuck did you just say? ” Luke barked, cutting off your words, his expression somber and grave. You involontarily flinched back at the harsh tone of his voice, pressing your mouth into a thin line as you debated on your next action.
“(y/n),” He began again, mildly calmer, seeing as you didn’t give out any reaction. Not only was he livid that such words had even come out of your mouth, but Luke couldn’t possibly deny the hurt nesting inside his chest. After loving you for years will all of his heart, having you accuse him of infidelity wasn’t something he could handle well.
“I’m not fucking around with anyone!”
“Oh! Is that so?” You couldn’t help the dry laugh that escaped your mouth, amazed by how he could convincingly lie to your face. But as your mouth shrunk back into a tight line, you realized that arguing over his affairs wasn’t a conversation you were thrilled to have.
“Fine,” you settled, earning a growl from Luke. Of course the tone of your voice inclined that no, it’s not fine at all, and no, I’m not believing your words. “But I want my divorce papers signed and handed to my lawyer.” You ever so calmly added.
Everything went in slow motion in Luke’s mind; watching you turn around at your last words and heading towards the door; seeing his hand shoot out to catch yours and turn you around; the sudden way you retracted your arm from his grasp is if it were burning under his skin. Luke’s hands immediately let go at your reaction, hurt prominent in his eyes. Still, he opted for raising his hands up as if defeated, his body slowly moving to block your exit.
“Hey! Hey, don’t go-”
“Luke, don’t!” You warned him. And for the first time since you barged in, the tiredness in your voice and the painful look in your eyes were clear as the sunlight for Luke to see. And that nearly stopped him.
“(y/n), if you’d just listen -”
“There’s nothing to listen to or talk about, Luke! We’ve alrea-”
“For fuck’s sake (y/n)! ”
This second outburst was much more shaking, his voice booming through the office and probably reaching the employees’ curious ears. Luke’s eyes were wild,shaken, scared. His ragged breathing was matching his frantic heart and running thoughts, trying to get his head together, before he decided that -consequences be damned- he wasn’t holding anything back.
“I’m not fucking anyone! And I’m not signing those damn papers because -fuck it- I’m still in love with you!”
Silence reigned over the closed room at the impact of his words. Colour drained from his face at the realization of what had slipped past his mouth. Feeling suddenly bare in front of your gaze, his hand mecanically rose to tug at his hair.
Luke nearly smiled at the memory of how lovingly you had always replied to his ‘I love you’s’. Somehow, even when you were absolutely livid and angry with him, you always manage to make it sound like the most honest thing in the world. Luke frowned instead. Expecting that from you would be pushing his luck past any reasonable boundaries. Luke took one last silent gaze at your face, with a heavy heart that’s fully expecting to be broken.
But you didn’t run off as he expected you to. You didn’t walk out of his office and stomp all over his heart. No, you just silently stared at him with something he couldn’t exactly decipher. But if he was to look deep enough, he would’ve figured out that your eyes were filled with wavering hope and striking fear. And so, Luke took your silence as a chance for him to speak, a whole lot calmer than the previous time.
“(y/n), baby I haven’t so much as looked at anyone else ever since we’ve been together.” Luke took one hopeful step towards you, agony painting the lovely blue of his eyes a shade of cloudy grey. His voice broke into a fragile tone even he couldn’t recognize, “Please , don’t make me sign those papers.”
You stared at him dumbfounded. Even with the undeniable truth dripping from his words, it felt impossible to forget the events your eyes had witnessed.
“Wh-what about-” you stuttered, blinking rapidly. The confused expression that immediately appeared on his face made you feel like a silly child stubbornly claiming that their nightmare was real. But you pushed through it, averting your eyes from him, “What about the-? She- I saw you two-”
Luke inhaled sharply at your words, his teech clenched tightly together. Out of every unfortunate event that could’ve occurred, you just had to witness that one scene that could easily be misinterpreted.
“I pushed her off, alright?” He breathed out, running a rough hand through his blonde locks.
Frustration was the only feeling Luke could recognize at the moment. Words weren’t much, he knew. Words were deceiving, devoid, empty. And still, he was hoping you’d trust his words for the simple reason that they had come out of his mouth.
“I didn’t do anything. Baby, believe me I didn’t and wouldn’t have done a thing.” He countered back, his eyebrows knitted together. “Please believe that I wouldn’t.”
Luke took one bold step towards you, daring to lift his hand up to tilt your head up, his eyes seeking yours. The look on his face made your stomach drop. It wasn’t a look you’d normally see on the major CEO; one of utter vulnerability and defenselessness. One that made him look like the shy boy you had met in class; like the man who held your heart delicately in his hands and cared for it throughout the years.
“Please don’t make me sign those papers,” he whispered, his voice low and hoarse. His breath fanned over your face at the proximity, waves of his scent hitting you and clouding your thoughts. But reality wasn’t as forgiving as you would’ve liked it to be.
“There’s a reason those papers were filed, Luke.” You sighed, freeing your jaw from his grip.
“I know,” Luke answered all too calmly, as if he was aware of it and couldn’t deny it even if he wanted to, “but there’s a reason they’re not signed yet” he argued.
“Come on, (y/n)” Luke cooed, sensing your hesitation, keeping his voice soft and tender “We can talk this through, I’m willing to try, baby.”
“We’ve already talked about this,” you mumbled with a shake of your head.
The memories of the past kept nudging at the back of your mind, making you relive the helplessness and the doubt. And as draining as it was to admit it, Luke had a history of falling back to his old habits. You feared it would once again end up the same. And just like that, the little spark of hope that the key had brought into you died out.
Your mind drifted back to the key, still safely tucked inside your pocket. For some reason, you hadn’t thrown it at his face the minute you barged in, and you still weren’t handing it to his as you spoke. Its weight suddenly felt as heavy as rock hidden inside your pocket, making you take a seat down as you realized that you had no idea what to do.
What’s the right thing to do?
“No,” Luke’s calm reply made you look up, finding that he was slowly approaching you. He crouched down in front of you, his hands delicately resting on the seat at each side of your thighs. “No, you talked, I listened . I only did so because I believed I was doing what’s best for you and for Jace.”
Emotions bubbled inside of you, making your throat tighten at his words. Once again, he was confessing in more ways than you could handle, making your heart twist with both guilt and glee. It took all of your strength to keep your hands from resting on his cheeks, to stop yourself from falling into him and getting swallowed by his limbs.
“But,” He whispered, leaning in a little closer, his eyes never once leaving yours, “Tell me and I’ll stop. Tell me that I’m only making your lives worse, and I swear I’ll stop pushing it.”
His words knocked the air out of your lungs, and you cursed yourself for coming in the first place. His proximity suddenly felt stifling, and your feet begged you to make a run for it. The hopeful, sincere look on his face made you look down.
“I- I don’t have to see Jace disappointed every night,” you barely managed out, willing yourself to concentrate on your fiddling hands in your lap, instead of the sharp breath Luke took. He was making you confess things you never wanted him to hear, “I don’t have to stay up worrying if you’ll come home at all; I know you won’t.”
“(y/n),” Luke’s voice wavered, the grip on his wounded heart tightening. His shoulders slumped down in defeat, his face falling into a scared expression. Maybe he should’ve left it, perhaps pushing it wasn’t the wisest thing to do.
“Tell me.” he begged once more, unable to gather up a speck of hope in his heart.
“I-” You stuttered, lifting your gaze from your lap. The teary, vulnerable look you wore on your face felt like an arrow shooting through Luke’s chest; his every instinct pushing him to hold you in his arms and apologize until his words made a difference.
You debated on your next words, the battle between what your head told you and what felt right making you open your mouth and close it a couple of times, before you settled.
“I thought- I thought nothing could be worse than getting disappointed every night.” You stopped, feeling the suppressed tears meet the warm skin of your cheeks, “Not having you there feels worse.”
Luke’s heart nearly leaped out of his chest, the sadness on his face melting into a warm smile. As far as he was concerned, the issue was solved. He silently urged you to keep going, to tell him that you and his baby boy had missed as much as he missed you.
But you didn’t.
“But, we can’t- I can go back to how it was.” You furiously shook your head. And just like that, Luke felt the nauseous feeling coming back. “We’ll get used to how it is now, it won’t be so bad. But I can’t fight with you like we did before, we’ll go back to that again and it not good for any of us!” You forced yourself to reason.
“But we won’t! I promise we won’t go back to that,” Luke blurted out in a desperate attempt, his hands involuntarily reaching out to hold yours and anchor you back to him, where he needed you to be.
“Come on, (y/n), I love you and my son more than anything.” He swallowed, “Do you still-?”
You smiled sadly at his words, “Love has never been the issue between us.”
Luke’s grip on your hands tightened, a faint smile on his lips. He didn’t allow himself to let your words soak in and light up his strung out heart. he knew better than that; he knew that you still loving him didn’t necessarily imply that you’d be willing to work it out. Still, he allowed himself to try, speaking in the soft voice of a ruined man.
“Then tell me what it is,” He whispered, the exhaustion and fatigue apparent in the bags under his eyes. “I’m here, and I want to make it work and I want to listen.”
You allowed yourself to mull over his words, the constant confrontation between your mind and heart making you stare timidly at him. You forced yourself to look down once you finally made up your mind.
“I don’t want to feel like a burden.”
Your barely audible words felt like heavy weights on Luke’s heart. His jaw clenched, his eyes shying away from your gaze as he swallowed hard.
You knew you had to take your part of the blame, and that was it. Your decision to keep your deep thoughts unspoken had ultimately been the reason that had led Luke to believe that every had been fine- not perfect, but definitely not broken beyond repair.
Some words were better left unspoken, you knew. That had been the reason for your silence, worried about the impact your words could have, fearing that it would only make matters worse. Yet, that exact mindset had done nothing but allow Luke to stay in his blissful ignorance. Perhaps some words weren’t meant to be spoken, but you figured that having turn into words of regret wasn’t much of an option either. With that thought in mind, you cleared your throat, trying to form the right words.
“It felt like we were distracting you from your work, I -I don’t know- it was like we were another chore ”
You struggled to form coherent words, nervously chewing on your lower lip, your hands shaking underneath Luke’s clammy ones. You could feel him tense at your words, his whole body becoming stiff. The office suddenly felt stifling, the sweet air refusing to grant his choking lungs any bit of relief.
“I wanted to feel like you wanted to be home, with us .”
A heavy silence lingered in the room, the two of you deeply lost in your own thoughts, your words echoing still. With each passing second, you found yourself reliving your past feelings. Out of everything that felt wrong during your marriage, the worst one was feeling like nothing more than a trophy wife, a responsibility he needed to tend to. It was the crippling fear that one day would come and he would realize that it was a burden he didn’t want to carry anymore.
Luke on the other hand was too busy indulging in his self-loathing. It rendered him speechless to know just how blind and oblivious he had let himself become. Work was never supposed to come first, not in front of his family at least. There was no excuse, no convincing reason. So he was left with the only thing he was capable of saying; and it felt like the most sincerely spoken words ever.
Luke finally dared to meet your eyes, feeling so small and shameful in front of you. “But I promise you; you’re always first in my heart. We- I know that I’ve messed up greatly, but believe me I never wanted you and Jace to feel second.”
He sat up a straighter, his face inching closer, “I want to be here, and I want to be with you.”
However, Luke hadn’t expected to see you smile at his words, and he immediately felt alarmed. He couldn’t stop the fear cursing through his veins, for he had never seen a smile carry as much sadness as yours did.
“But, Luke,” You began, freeing one hand from his grasp to rest it on his cheek. You stopped for a minute, treasuring how he caved into your touch and leaned his face into your palm. “I’ve already heard your promises.”
Your dismissal felt like a sledgehammer, the weight of your words making Luke snap out of his trance. He stared at you, his eyes hard and and his mouth pressed into a thin line.
“Look at me.” He ordered, making you do the exact opposite and lower your eyes.
“No, look at me,” He insisted, nudging your hand to gain your attention. Slowly, you lifted your head to look at him- really look at him.
“It’s been hell lately. I can’t eat right, or sleep, or focus. I can’t function right knowing what I’ve done!” His eyes were wild, his emotions getting the best of him. His eyebrows were raised in frustration and fear that he would lose the only chance he could have. “Do you think that anyone in his right mind would risk losing his family after this?”
His words made your heart sink, tears brimming your eyes and blurring your vision. Tears were already making their way down his face, his bright orbs swallowed in a pool of red. Your shaky hands acted before you could think, resting on his warm cheeks and vainly wiping the wet streaks on his skin.
Leaning your forehead against his, you sobbed into each other’s embrace with your eyes closed tight, feeling small and fragile and light and you could breath. At that moment, it didn’t matter if it was a wrong decision, and if your mind was screaming at you that he’d do it again. You smiled through your hiccuped sobs because it felt right.
Nothing had ever felt that right.
“Jace is having his birthday party at my place. Don’t be late.”