idk i feel like i need to explain myself

little psa

Hey everyone! First of all, I hope this doesn’t come off as weird or rude or conceited because that’s really not my intention; I simply want to explain myself a little bit. 

The thing I want to talk about is that I am actually not a very social person. I’m very, very, VERY happy on my own, and yes, my need to communicate spikes now and then, but most of the time I like being by myself just doing things I like without having to talk too much. 

What I’m trying to say is that I currently have more than 40 unanswered IMs, some of them weeks or months old. IMs are the most time consuming part of social interaction on the internet because before I get the chance to reply to everyone, I already have replies again from some people, or in other words: I will never ever be done. 

That’s a huge problem for me because I’m the to-do list kind of person who needs to see progress.. also, the fact that I feel like replying to messages is some kind of task I need to do already speaks volumes. I feel guilty for being so slow with replies, I feel pressured to talk to everyone, and that pretty much kills my fun. 

And besides that, I also have asks to answer, currently around 500 unanswered comments on AO3, and also people telling me they are disappointed that I don’t update my fic daily anymore. Honestly, I’m not some kind of superhuman.. sometimes I just want to consume and not only create all the time.

It’s seriously overwhelming and way too much for a little hermit like me. I’d be lying if I’d say that I don’t like the attention I’m getting, but I’m actually just here to share the stuff I create. The part that’s most essential to me is the process of creating, and I’d still draw and write and edit even if I wouldn’t post it here.

So yeah, I’m not saying that you should stop messaging me etc., not at all! I just need room to breathe. I will eventually reply to (almost) everyone, but it might take a long, long time. I’m sorry for it, but it’s hard enough for me to keep up with my social life with my real life friends. I’m really just here to have fun and post my stuff. 

That doesn’t change that I love getting to know new people, but besides all my hobbies and my real life there’s only so much time I have left for social interactions, and I will often choose doing things by myself over communication. If I don’t reply to you, it’s really nothing personal. I hope you understand.

Anyways, if you want to tell me something, best chances of getting a (relatively) quick response are asks because I always immediately save them as drafts, so that I can easily keep track of them, and then check them off my to-do list.

Thanks for reading! ♡

coming out (? i guess)

i’ve realised that i never really explain myself i just change things about my life and wait for people to notice and i feel like maybe that’s not the best way to do it so here goes.

after a while of trying to figure myself out, i’m comfortable with the fact that i am a trans boy. so yeah. that’s me. it took a while but that’s okay because i’m finally at a point where i’m comfortable with my gender identity. so with that in mind, i’ve decided to change my name (finally). i would very much appreciate if you guys could call me nico; that’s the name i want to go by now. this is really formal and awkward but idk how else to do it so this is what you get lmao

This week has been a very bad mental health week for me. I just feel like I’m dropping into another depressive episode which is fair bc I take care of my mental health and I take my pills and I do all my responsibilities and I cut out toxic people and yet in this moment I feel so idk sad empty useless general fun depression feels. And on top of that I can’t explain it to any one bc no one really gets it. Why are you sad? I don’t know. Yeah you do what’s wrong? Or like oh come on you have to come out tonight. Nah I don’t really feel like it (bc I’d rather go lay in bed) and then I get endless shit the next time I see them. I’m just so tired. Will I ever be less tired.

Ok I’m gonna explain this feeling I get the best I can and idk just lemme know if there’s a name for it.

It’s like I’m manic but I also can’t move I’ll be
disoriented and half out of it and my mind will be racing and I just need to do something but don’t know what and can’t even really do much.
Usually I end up having a “fit” I’ll kick and flail and punch things and myself as I’m curled up on the bed or something. Sometimes it’s more “quiet” and I’ll just curl up in a ball gripping my head while shaking. Sometimes I’ll have increased paranoia.
I’ll feel like I’m coming out of my own skin and nothing will feel right and everything is always uncomfortable . I can’t put a mood to it because it IS a mood but a mood I can’t describe.
It’s different than a mixed state too btw because I get that too sometimes.
It’s worse if I forget to take my mood stabilizers btw.
This was a daily event before I started taking them.

What is this??? Does anyone else get this??
I’m tagging everything I know I have, I probably forgot something but idk

Theres this whooole movement of empowering women to be independent and depend on one self andddd you don’t need a man to be successful! The last part especially is like a stereotype for black women. “We don’t need no man.” Listen. I agree with those statements, women can be independent, no one needs anyone to survive. But thats the thing I dont NEEDS anyone to survive but i definitely want someone. Honestly, I’m not an independent person. I need someone there with me i need intimacy i need people surrounding me i need other peoples presence. I am a people person, i am dependent to a certain extent, and there shouldnt be such a stigma with saying this. Ya feel? I hope I’m explaining myself, my thoughts are a little jumbled. Having people around does bring me happiness, and a males touch does too. Idk but yea. I feel like being a dependent person shouldnt be such a bad thing. Just like theres some ppl who are leaders, there will slso be some ppl who are just followers.

C

Theres this whooole movement of empowering women to be independent and depend on one self andddd you don’t need a man to be successful! The last part especially is like a stereotype for black women. “We don’t need no man.” Listen. I agree with those statements, women can be independent, no one needs anyone to survive. But thats the thing I dont NEEDS anyone to survive but i definitely want someone. Honestly, I’m not an independent person. I need someone there with me i need intimacy i need people surrounding me i need other peoples presence. I am a people person, i am dependent to a certain extent, and there shouldnt be such a stigma with saying this. Ya feel? I hope I’m explaining myself, my thoughts are a little jumbled. Having people around does bring me happiness, and a males touch does too. Idk but yea. I feel like being a dependent person shouldnt be such a bad thing. Just like theres some ppl who are leaders, there will slso be some ppl who are just followers.