idk how my mind works

Sometimes I’ll be sitting in my room, perfectly fine, and then I just get slammed by this wave of loneliness and I hate it


Hi guys! Here is a little future Xmas fic! I hope you enjoy! xD

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Just in time

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See you again

pairing: michael x reader

word count: 2,769


michaels in hiding like he usually is during breaks so in turn i write more about him idk how my mind works that way but oh well whatever

so in drivers ed there are so many sad videos about drunk driving n shit like that and thats where i found inspiration for this.. its super sad hence the most depressing and heart wrenching gif of michael clifford to ever exist

You crouched down to Matty’s eye level, taking his hands in yours and disregarding the slight discomfort that filled your abdomen. You marked it as the guilt from leaving your child angry with you for a night. “You’re going to have a super fun night with Grace, bud. It’s just a couple of hours.”

Your son nodded, instinctively wrapping his arms around your neck and hugging you tightly. You hugged him back, closing your eyes and sighing deeply. “I love you Mommy.” He said. “Don’t be gone too long.”

“I won’t, Matty. Besides, you love Grace! I bet if you’re good all night she’ll take you out for ice cream.” You coaxed, him immediately releasing your neck and looking at you with excited eyes.

He looked up to his nanny, smiling widely. “Can we get ice cream, Grace? Can we?”

“Of course, Matt.” Grace laughed, amused with how excited he had gotten from being annoyed with you choosing to spend tonight at one of Michael’s shows. You hadn’t seen he perform in what seemed like years (and it had been years since you have been so busy raising Matty, and a loud concert late at night wasn’t the kind of environment you wanted for your 4 year old).

You kissed Matty’s forehead, hugging him one last time. “I’ll be back before you know it. Do I ever break my promises?” Matty shook his head. “Exactly. I love you very much.”

“I love you more, Mommy.” He said, kissing your cheek. “Tell Daddy I love him too.”

“I will.”

You watched as Matty was seated in the back of Grace’s car, and after making sure he was safe, you waved to the car as it drove away from the back of the arena, watching Matty wave back. 

You spent your time backstage, making sure not to be in anyone’s way and chatting with a few members of the crew when you could. Up until performance time, you didn’t see Michael at all. But he was busy; there was no way he could just drop everything and come spend time with you when he’s touring. You didn’t mind at all, because you saw him right before he went on and you were the first person he saw when he got offstage, mainly because you watch right from there. He would occasionally glance over at you, involuntarily smiling as he would sing to you. And you couldn’t help but smile back, watching him bounce around onstage as happy as he is. 

While you were grabbing yourself some water from the green room, you felt two arms hug you from behind, pressing a kiss to the side of your neck. 

“Hi Angel.” Michael greeted, turning you around so you faced him.

You smiled up at him, pecking his lips. “You excited for tonight?”

“When am I never excited?” He quizzed, releasing you and grabbing the water out of your hands.

You felt your phone ring in your back pocket, and pulling it out, you saw Grace texted you.

Grace: Matty saw a guy with purple hair playing guitar and thought it was Michael. He asked why he wasn’t onstage like he was supposed to be and the man just laughed, saying he wishes he was Michael. The guy then proceeded to play Matty’s favorite song of Michael’s, Airplanes. Must’ve been a fan. Needless to say, Matty was very happy

Attached was a picture of your son high-fiving the other purple haired twenty-something with a guitar in his lap. On his face he wore a bright smile, looking up at the guy who smiled just as brightly back at the enthusiastic toddler.

Grace sent another text.

Grace: Oh, and Matty says he loves and misses you guys. Especially Michael

The texts brought a smile to your face. “Someone loves their daddy a lot.” You told Michael, holding out your phone to show him the texts.

“Oh, for a second there I thought you were talking about yourself.” He teased, sticking his tongue out before reading the screen, smiling from it. “How fucking cute is he.”

“The cutest.” You cooed, resting your head on Michael’s shoulder.

“C’mon, Mike. We’re on in 5.” Calum said, sticking his head into the room. He was gone as quick as he came.

You two hurried backstage where Michael was handed his guitar. You stood off, waiting for him to get his ear piece all situated, and once he was, he returned to you. He cupped your face, pressing his lips to yours. You savored every second of it, before he pulled away and said, “I love you, Angel.”

“I love you too, Mikey. I’ll be right here the entire time.”

“Just like always.” He said, his left eye falling into a sly wink before turning back to his friends and running out onstage with them.

Michael’s small hand encapsulated yours, his thumb skimming over your white knuckles as he recounted your last conversation. All he could do was hold your hand, knowing that no amount of hugs or encouragement or love could change what happened just hours ago. His eyes traveled from your connecting hands up your arm, right up to your collarbones to your face. To him you were the most beautiful person to ever walk the earth, an angel in disguise when the two of you met. 

He loved to watch you sleep, especially. How your eyes were gently closed, and how peaceful you looked lying next to him, or like many times, in his arms. He couldn’t remember a time where you didn’t look absolutely gorgeous.

But now, here you laid in this small hospital bed not big enough for the both of you, and although you looked asleep–as peaceful as you could be–Michael knew the story behind those closed eyes was something much more haunting than just a calm slumber.

His heart ached as memories flooded his mind; he remembered every second which landed you in a hospital bed.

Michael screwed his eyes shut as he sang, using every ounce of energy to hit the rights notes to create a beautiful harmony during your favorite song, Outer Space. He wanted to impress you with every performance, so he put all his heart into singing it, always delivering a promising performance you would find posted to every social media platformed (many fans tagging you in them since they know of your deep love for the song) and always commend Michael on how wonderful he did. He would always smile.

“The darkest night never felt so bright with you by my side…” Michael sang, looking back to where you usually stood, and he was prepared to see you smile and wave at him as he would serenade you.

But that’s not what he saw.

Instead, the backstage area you usually occupied, where other crew members would loiter amid, performing their duties to deliver a smooth show, was now empty. 

Immediately, his voice trailed off and he dropped his guitar–not caring about the crowd he was leaving mid-song–and hurried offstage to find you. His chest began to fill with worry, because he knew what had happened the last time something like this occurred.

There’s only been one scenario where you hadn’t been right in your spot, watching from backstage, and that was when you had passed out. You were feeling lightheaded all day, and the amount of water you drank didn’t help with the dizziness. Followed by the numbness in your hands and face, you had fainted, many crew members rushing to tend to you and the concert being delayed half an hour due to Michael running offstage to make sure his fiancé was alright. 

After you had regained consciousness and assured him he was fine, he went back to finish the show, but first thing the next day, he made you go to the doctor. It was then you were diagnosed anemic, and after blood tests and different medications and changes in diet, you were perfectly healthy. Everything had returned back to normal.

This time, though, Michael had worries that it was something worse than just passing out from your anemia. Which is why he didn’t care about the fans he was leaving in that moment; all he cared about was knowing that you were safe.

“Where is she, where is she, where is she!” He yelled, running through the corridors and looking for some type of answers in the crew standing by, all of which bore concerned faces. The sight of their expressions made him sick to his stomach.

“Mike, what’s wrong?” Ashton called out to him, running up behind him along Luke and Calum.

Michael paid no attention to them, the only thing he was thinking was is my Angel okay? He walked into a room in the far back of the arena where a crowd of people was standing, one standing by and talking on the phone in a hurried tone.

Michael barged through the crew to see you lying on the floor in Zoe’s arms, your mouth hung open and your eyes hanging closed. He dropped to his knees and took you in his arms, his breath hitching in his throat.

“Angel, come on. Wake up,.” He spoke softly, pushing the hair out of your face.

Minutes later, which all went by in a blur to Michael, and he was in the back of an ambulance, you lying on the bed in front of him and another doctor inserting  different needles into your veins in your arms. He didn’t understand what was happening–nobody did–but nearly an hour later, a doctor came out of her room, a somber expression on his face as he pronounced you dead, due to kidney failure.

The doctor suspected that over the past couple of days you had been experiencing slight symptoms of the condition, but had just brushed them off as nerves or anxiety, or even thought it was just your anemia acting up. Going hand in hand with you being anemic was the high blood pressure, which usually didn’t affect you since you’ve had it all your life, you just assumed your body had grown used to it and you were perfectly fine. The reality of it, though, was that those two key components led to where you were today, and Michael blamed himself.

He blamed himself for not paying attention to you, and he began to think if he ever ignored your complaining about you not feeling well, and regretted not being there for you more. But when he found himself blaming himself, he immediately felt terrible for pitying himself when you were lying before him.

He thought about himself before mourning over you, and when he finally realized it after 10 minutes of blaming himself, his entire world came crashing down.

Now, hours later, and the tears had dried on his face, the endless clock continued to tick on the wall in front of him, and all he could do was hold your hand. 

“Please tell me this is just a bad dream.” He said aloud, after being silent for a while, just studying your appearance. “Just let this one be like the others. Where I’ll wake up and see you lying next to me, safe and sound and so beautifully alive. And I’ll know everything is okay because I still have you.”

He brought his free hand up to wipe his cheeks, attempting to rid his skin of the tears, but his attempts were useless. Another wave of sadness overcame him, and he broke down in loud sobs over your body. “Why couldn’t I have just paid more attention and made sure you were okay? Then none of this would’ve ever happened.” He thought out loud, rocking back on his feet and standing up, covering his eyes with his hands and shaking his head, walking to the other side of the room, staring at the blinds covering the window. He looked back at you, and whimpered. 

“Oh, Angel…” he said, walking back to you and sinking to his knees again, grabbing your hand once more and pressing gentle kisses to your cold flesh. It sent a shiver down his spine.


He looked over to see Matty standing in the doorway, his eyes bloodshot and his thumb in his mouth. Michael looked at his son, and sniffled. The child stood there, staring at his mom, before looking to his dad. “Mommy’s not coming back.” He stated.

Michael nodded his head, biting his bottom lip. “No, Mommy isn’t coming back, bud.” He confirmed, just above a whisper.

Right when you were taken to the hospital, Grace received a call from Calum, saying she needed to bring Matty to the hospital immediately because you were in an accident. And when Matty got here, he saw you being wheeled into a room, your lifeless arm hanging off of the stretcher. His face immediately drained of all color before he looked up at Grace and asked what was wrong. Michael overheard, and briefly explained to him how you were sick, and that you went to Heaven. Matty didn’t exactly understand, and Michael didn’t have the strength to explain everything to him–especially at that time. So Grace chimed in, offering to ease the burden on Michael and tell Matty what she was told when her Aunt died in a car crash when she was no older than Matty.

Matty remained in the threshold of the door, only removing his thumb from his mouth to ask Michael something. “Mommy’s not coming back…but you’re gonna be here, right?”

“Of course I am, Matty.” He said, shifting his body to face his son entirely.

“That’s what Mommy said, though.” Matty said, his voice starting to shake. “She said she would see me after your show. She said she would be back.” 

Michael sighed. “Sometimes things happen we can’t control. But you will see her again, that’s for sure.”

“I will?” He asked, a glint of hope flashing in his sparkling eyes. 

“One day all of us will see her again. She’s in Heaven now, and one day I’m going to be with her and then one day you’ll be with us.”

“And we’ll be all together.” Matty finished, and Michael nodded.

“We’ll all be together again.” He said. “But that’s not going to happen anytime soon, I can promise you that. For now, though, it’s me and you, bud. I hope you’re okay with that.”

Matty didn’t answer immediately; instead, he came charging towards his father, throwing himself into Michael’s arms and holding onto him as if his life depended on it. And Michael held him, like he would never let go. 

“Why do you call Mommy ‘Angel’ all the time?” He asked.

Michael shrugged, patting the back of his son’s head lightly. “Because Angels are people that are put on this earth to make people’s lives better. Mommy made my life so much better, and she was an angel to me. Now that she’s in Heaven, she’s a real angel looking down on us.”

Matty was silent for a moment, the only noise he would make was the occasional hiccup from crying. “I miss Mommy.” He cried, his small voice shaking as he looked up to his mom lying still on the bed. Seeing her this close frightened him a bit; usually she’s full of life and smiling and being so happy, but this time, all she looked like was asleep.

So beautifully asleep.

“I miss her too, Matty.” Michael said, rubbing the back of Matty’s head in attempts to comfort him. He hugged his son tighter. “But we gotta be strong for Mommy, can you do that? Until we see her again.”

Matty nodded, looking at his dad. “I’ll be strong for Mommy. She’ll be proud of me.”

“Yes, she’ll always be proud of you, bud.” Michael told him, kissing his cheek lightly. “Always.”

I just had another dream about MONSTA X right now..

I was at their concert front row with p2 tickets (idk how my mind works like that) and when they came out, first it was Jooheon and then I.M, followed by Wonho. But the thing is that I didn’t pay attention nor notice the other members, especially Minhyuk, my freaking B I A S since the focus of the Dream was on Wonho.. he’s wrecking me and it doesn’t help that I think that he looks like Zen (my favorite MM character) so.. bias wrecker trying to become my bias yet Minhyuk was the one that woke me up and stopped me to admire during hi-touch.. Guess it’s really a sign to go to their concert in July..

Originally posted by m-onstax


A/N- I finished the thing I’ve been working on! It was supposed to be based on a song but my mind had other ideas. And it was supposed to be shorter which also didn’t happen. Anyway, it’s SFW and like 3700 words. Enjoy!

People often said that Grace Helbig had the memory of a goldfish. This was not a statement she could argue much with considering how true it was. But, when it came to Hannah Hart, she remembered everything. Every single moment of interaction they’d ever had was etched into her brain. She had a crush. That was the only explanation she could think of because she sure didn’t do this around her other friends. She had a crush complete with butterflies, inappropriate blushing, and a stupid need to show off. Not only that but, as much as she tried to bury it, it wouldn’t go away.

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so yesterday I dreamed about richard armitage

I dreamed that some college kids and I went over to richard armitage’s house to do a group project and it was weird and awkward because he was in his nice magazine shoot clothes and we were all in hoodies and jeans and stuff going “soooo….I guess we should finish the project today cause it’s due tomorrow right” and he gave all of us a cup of tea and was like “yea” and then I woke up

you know what i would 10/10 enjoy a lot? friends that don’t take romantic acts seriously. like, i would love an actual friend that i could hold their hand and just smooch bc they r my friend like does anyone feel me??? but I’d also like a friend that I could eat out and have it not be awkward afterwards, idk I have no idea how my mind works